My twenty something daughter doesn’t like my rules…so she left

Subject: Parenting
State: IL

Question:

How do you deal with a 20 year-old daughter who has left college and recently moved to her girlfriend’s house to live? She has also left her part time job. She will soon be running out of money. What can I do to help her? She was living at home but says my rules are for 13 year-olds. I am very concerned over her state of mind - should I just let her continue on this path until she hits bottom? Please help.

Comment:

You are right on! This might sound tough or insensitive, but your daughter is an adult now, and needs to be treated as such. If she says your rules are for “13 year-olds” and she wants to be treated as an adult, then I say, treat her as one. She is choosing her path, and you need to allow her to experience all the joy and hurt of her path. Bailing her out would be the worst thing you could do as a parent. All you would teach her is that she can do whatever she wants, lose as much money, get into any kind of trouble, and mom will just step in and take care of her problems.

I know you want to take care of your daughter, it feels evident from your question. What I’m saying is that allowing her to suffer the consequences of her own decisions is the best thing you could do for your daughter. Your job is to love and encourage her. If you disagree with what she is doing, then, if she allows you to, you lovingly give her your idea. But you don’t want to force your own opinions on her, but rather try and influence with permission. If she hits bottom, it will be her fault and no one else’s. But if you try and step in to protect her, she then has the opportunity to blame you for her troubles and to dismiss any responsibility.

If she comes running for money, and she might, you let her know as lovingly as possible that non thirteen year-olds don’t come to mommy asking for money J

Peace,
Michael

Sexual fantasies revealed in 3 steps!

By Michael Smalley

Now that I have your attention let us get down to business. Too many couples suffer from a lack of sexual fulfillment because they never get to the fantasy of sex. That’s right… I said fantasy and sex in a Christian article! But why not? I believe Christians spend so much time avoiding sex during their dating years that once they get married they can not turn off their inhibitions as easily as they hoped.

Good Christian people go from no, no, no, no, no… to YES in literally the time it takes to say, “I do.” But the transition from no to yes is often more difficult than the couple realized. The fears of sex, the inhibitions, the “sinful” attitude while single, can all make sex during marriage a chore and incredibly difficult to talk about.

Here is the simple truth. Are you ready for it? GREAT SEX is only possible when a husband and wife define specifically what GREAT SEX looks like. If you are in the dark when it comes to what really turns your mate on, then your sex life will suffer. If you do not fully understand what turns your mate off, then your sex life will suffer. It’s really not that complicated. But many times couples are too embarrassed to talk about sex because they spent a quarter of their life avoiding the topic.

In our latest DVD and in-depth study guide, How HOT is your SEX life?, my wife and I teach you the precursor necessary for a great sex life. If your sex life is suffering, How HOT is your SEX life? is a great resource to get you setting up your sexual relationship to succeed and help you ask each other the right questions.

If you want to discover your sexual fantasies, I mean the behaviors and attitudes that will turn your mate into a raging bull of sexual desire, then try the following 3 steps:

1. BE ENCOURAGING
If you are critical about your mate’s physical or emotional traits, don’t expect to every discover her fantasies. When someone feels belittled or criticized the natural action is to become distant and protective. Which basically means they become totally closed to you relationally and would never share anything as intimate as a sexual fantasy. So go overboard when it comes to complimenting, encouraging, and validating your mate. The results will speak for themselves!
2. BE BOLD
Somebody in the marriage is going to have to take the first step in sharing a sexual fantasy. It is scary and even potentially embarrassing, but it is necessary for a healthy sex life. Put aside time to discuss sex in an environment that is safe from distractions and interruptions. I do want to give you one caution, though, when it comes to sharing your sexual fantasies. Healthy sexual fantasies will never include third party elements like pornography, sex toys, or the obvious one, other people. Keep your fantasies about the two of you.
3. BE SPECIFIC
Once you start sharing your fantasies, get beyond the feelings of embarrassment and move quickly into specifics. You need to let your mate know exactly what you like, where you like to be touched, and what you would like to try. There is nothing a good Christian couple needs to keep from themselves when it comes to sex. Your sex life is a blank slate where you get to color in the uniqueness of your sexual desires and fantasies. Resist the temptation, especially guys, to compare your sex life with another couple’s sex life. Always keep in mind that you first goal in sharing your fantasies should be the well-being of your mate. This means you would never force your mate to do anything he or she is uncomfortable with. You will kill your sexual relationship by forcing your mate to do something he or she in not comfortable doing. If you tend to find a lot of road blocks when it comes to your sexual intimacy together, then be patient and kind. Help your mate discover why he or she struggles with sexual intimacy. There may be things you have done in the past to hinder this relationship, so you need to seek forgiveness and repair the damage. There might even be a history of sexual abuse that you are unaware of. If this is the case, then allow you mate the space and time to seek healing from a professional counselor.

For more information about this topic and more, please visit our website at www.theforeverfactor.com. You can also check out our latest DVD session and in-depth study guide How HOT is your SEX life?.