So you’re saying I’m fat?

I had the best wake-up experience this morning. I’m the kind of guy who, if I open my eyes at some point in the morning hours…I’m up! I hate that feeling. My brain turns on and I can’t shut it off, so I eventually, after several painstaking minutes, pull myself out of bed and get ready for the day. There are many mornings that I wind up at my counseling center by 6:00 a.m.

While driving to the center this morning I called Panera to see when their doors opened in the morning. I was of course shocked when an actual voice answered the phone at 5:45 a.m. and didn’t sound bitter about already being at work. Their doors opened up at 6:00 a.m. so I could go there and have a nice Asiago cheese bagel and a Diet Pepsi (the breakfast of champions).

All I wanted this morning was to get my bagel, drink cup, and pay for my bill so I could leisurely enjoy my breakfast and get some work done at the same time. The woman who greeted me at the counter was exceptionally nice and jolly for such an early time of the day. She did a great job welcoming me to Panera. I gave her my request, “Two Asiago cheese bagels (I know, that’s more than one, but I was really hungry) uncut and a large drink…please.”

The only thing this employee had to worry about was getting my two bagels and a large cup. But life isn’t always that simple. She got the bagels just fine, but when it came to giving me my large cup, things got bad….very bad. “Would you like a regular large cup or a mega large cup?” She asked me with a smile that would brighten even the most cynical person’s day. But before I could answer her questions, he jumped in with enthusiasm and said, “You’ll want a mega cup because you look like a mega size kind of guy.” She really said this to me. Now maybe I’m a tad sensitive about my weight, but I thought to myself, “Ohhhh. So I’m a mega size looking kind of guy?”

What am I suppose to think when someone makes a comment like that? That I’m skinny? That I look an awful lot like Brad Pitt? We’ve got to be able and edit our comments sometimes before they leave our mouth. I know that this woman is a kind and sweet woman. You can tell it by her smile, voice, and total kind energy. But she blew it this morning with an insensitive remark. How many times have we blown it with insensitive remarks? There are just certain topics we should never address with people, even if they beg us to talk about it, resist. Let me give you two examples:

1. Weight. Don’t ever mention anything to anyone that could even resemble a comment about being too fat or too skinny. I don’t care if the woman is 9 months overdue from delivering her sextuplets, you can never ask a woman how long she’s been pregnant (and you can never ask a man if he’s the first man to carry a child…this is also a good rule).

2. Looks. Don’t ever comment about potential flaws with someone’s looks. “Hey, what happened to your nose?” My own relationship-expert father is horrible at this one! He can’t help himself if he notices something out of place on someone’s face. I once witnessed him look straight into the eyes of a 50+ year-old waitress at Denny’s and say, and I quote, “Wow, that’s an interesting haircut. It looks a lot like Elvis’ haircut back in the fifties.” He was totally unaware of how hurtful that could have been to the waitress.

I might have a weight problem, you might have acne, and someone might have both of these problems. The key to this morning is that you can’t let other people’s unthoughtful comments ruin a perfectly good day. I have to assume that my Panera waitress had no mal-intentions this morning and simply made an insensitive comment that didn’t mean anything. My happiness in life is not determined by how people treat me but rather by the intensity of my relationship with Christ.

Or.

I could hunt down the Panera waitress this afternoon and humiliate her by throwing a pie in her face. WWJD

Car line blues and a Star Trek fantasy

Does anyone else hate car lines for dropping your child off at school? What ever happened to the idea that came from the popular television show that said, “beam me up Scotty”? If we can send images across the globe through cables, why can’t we send people the same way? I’d be willing to test out such a product, especially if when I arrived at my destination the re-transformation (that’s the technical word for what I’m babbling about) could take off about 20 pounds!

Get a grip on discipline

I was leisurely watching my youngest, David, play at our local mall’s indoor rubberized tree forest, where the tree can actually talk and has moving facial features, because regular kid toys are not good enough for my community. Soon after arriving, two younger moms entered the play area with their three boys, who looked pretty close in age to my four-year old.

Total pandemonium broke out as these three boys attacked each other. I’ve never seen this age play so rough with each other. Two of the boys were actually taking full swings at each other with their fists. At one point, the biggest boy, kicked one of the boys who had fallen to the ground from a well-delivered punch to the head.

Of course my son was more than ready to join the fray, but even he wasn’t used to the intensity and quickly backed out as the three boys pummeled each other over and over again.

I didn’t like watching boys play so rough. It’s not that I’m against boys being boys, but there should be a limit to their physical aggression toward one another. Boys need to learn how to control their aggression in healthy ways and should not be left alone to simply punch and kick at will.

But the thing that got me the most was how the two moms were so ineffective in controlling their sons. Each mom lectured the boys 6 to 8 times. I marveled at how they never changed their approach, even though it was clearly not impacting the boy’s behavior. I think the two moms believed that if they would just yell loud enough, their sons would start to behave. One of the moms went into the rubberized tree forest and tried to explain in a patient manner why she wanted them to stop wrestling.

At no point did either mom include a consequence if the boys didn’t stop fighting. They kept asking them to stop, but would not give a consequence for disobedience. In essence, the boys had no reason to stop, so they never did.

If you want to make an impact on your child’s negative behavior, then you have to learn how to set appropriate or natural consequences. Just talking to you kids will not get them to respond in the way you are wanting.

In this case, had I been in charge of the boys, I would have told them to either stop playing so violently with each other or they would be taken out of the play area and returned home to their rooms. If I had gotten them excited before the play area about getting a cookie or other kind of treat, I would have also used that as a possible consequence as well.

I don’t want to sound judgmental, which just by writing this, I must be filling a little bit guilty about trashing these two moms. I’m confident that the moms love and care for their sons, but I hope they don’t ever complain about their behavior. If you can’t lie out consequences, then don’t expect your children to behave well.

A great resource on natural consequences is Parenting with Love and Logic. You can order a copy at my online store by clicking here.

Conversations with Reagan - or simply - Reaganisms

Our 8 year-old daughter is a classic. She’s beautiful, smart, strong-willed (you have no idea just how much), and the funniest serious person you’ll ever meet. Her counselor this past summer at Kanakuk Kamp in Branson, Missouri actually kept a private diary of all the hilarious quotes Reagan said during the camp term. I’m going to try and track that list down so I can include it for your pleasure, but in the meantime, I’ve realized that I need to immortalize our daughter’s quotes on my blog.

Just yesterday I took all three kids to Walmart with me to get some football water gear before the game. I had already told my four-year old son David that he could pick out a small toy because he’d slept in his bed the last two nights. When we finally made it to the toy section of Walmart, my daughter Reagan asked if she could get a toy as well. I told her no, that David earned his toy and I wasn’t there to get her something too. Needless to say, Reagan wasn’t too happy with my decision, but she took it like a champ and backed off from nagging me.

After Walmart I drove to my in-law’s home to drop off Reagan and David, who both hate to watch their older brother play football. Once I left the room, Reagan pulled my mother-in-law, Pauline, to the side (Pauline told me this when I returned to pick the kids up) and said:

“You know something. Despite what I think is best, my parents are just spoiling that kid.” (referring to David)

How lucky am I to have such an intelligent and animated daughter

My friend is getting a divorce…what can I do to help?

I recently met with one of my friends who needed to know what he could do to help a couple in distress. The following is a good check list of things you should do if a friend is talking about divorce. Each of these points should be done in chronological order, with the first being:

1. Ask permission to help. Nothing is worse than a friend who butts in to a situation where he isn’t invited. Remember, you’re dealing with adults (they might not be acting like mature adults, but they are still adults) and that means you must get permission to help. You can accomplish this by simply asking, “Hey, I’ve noticed that you and Tricia are really upset with each other. Is there anything I can do to help?” If the answer is something like, “Bug off and mind your own business!” Then I would recommend bugging off and putting your energy into praying for them. If the answer is, “Please help, I have no idea how to save my marriage.” You can now move to step two.
2. Schedule a time to meet when there are no distractions. Now is the time to just sit and listen. If you’re a guy, you might need to schedule this time early in the morning before you both head to work and the day gets too busy to really focus on the issues. If you’re a woman, and your friend is a stay-at-home mom, then try to meet in the evening when the dad can watch the kids and you can have uninterrupted time together. The main point is to simply sit and listen as empathicly as you can. This means you will say things like, “I’m so sorry you feel this way. I wish this wasn’t happening. Sounds like you’re really stressed out with him/her.”
3. Now it’s time to offer some specific advice. Once you have truly validated what ever feelings your friend has about the marriage, without criticism or shame, you can probably move to advice. This is the tricky part. If you feel confident enough in your knowledge about what it takes to thrive in a marriage, then go for it. If you don’t, then this is the time to recommend them seeing a pastor or counselor. The main thing is to make sure and let your friend know that it takes two to tango, and they will set themselves up for success if they can learn to take personal responsibility in the marriage and put their focus on becoming a better mate.
4. Don’t let your friend dismiss the marriage. Now you need to figure out ways to help your friends have the courage to stick things out and give the marriage a chance. Many couples give up too easily. Be a good accountability partner and support your friend when he/she is the most discouraged.
5. Pray. Pray. Pray. Each time you meet with your friend, pray and ask God to help give the strength and courage needed to save the marriage. You are not responsible for your friend experiencing change, that is God’s job. Where two or more are gathered…I bet you know the rest.

Try these five things and you can truly make a major impact on your friend’s marriage.

When dreams become reality

First let me say that my day has started out quite difficult. Have you ever been dreaming about something so real, that when you wake up, it has actually been happening? I got a little dose of dream reality this morning. At around 6:00 a.m. I started dreaming about swimming in a vast ocean. It started off as a pleasant dream, the water was calm, the sun was shining, and I was gingerly floating on my back. But then, I realized that I didn’t want to be swimming in the ocean. The waves kicked up, the wind started to blow, and I realized that I needed to get out of the ocean ASAP. That’s when I woke up to an ocean size amount of urine streaming down the bed and soaking my shorts. I had lovingly carried my four-year old from the downstairs up to my bed last night to let him sleep with me, which is something that he loves, and the thanks I got was a wet bed. Maybe next time I’ll remember to take him to the bathroom before letting him get into bed with me. I guess you can call this morning natural consequences for daddy’s forgetfulness.

Wow! Men and women are different.

A new book as emerged titled “The Female Brain” by Louann Brizendine. In case you are wondering about the obvious differences between women and men, take at look at this information:

• Women have 11% more neurons in their brain center for language and hearing than men.
• She’ll use on average 20,000 words a day and he’ll only use 7,000
• Her space devoted to the sex drive will be 2.5 times smaller than his; he’ll think about it every 58 seconds
• Her brain will be 9% smaller than his but will have the same number of brain cells, just more tightly packed
• Her principle hub for emotion and memory formation, the hippocampus, will be larger
• His processor at the core of the primitive area of the brain that registers fear and triggers aggression, the amygdala, will be larger *

I haven’t had a chance to read the book yet, so I can’t really offer an opinion. At first glance, it looks solid and full of good, fun information. But as usual, if you only worry about the differences between men and women, you’ll get lost in relationship meltdown.

Couples can’t worry so much about their differences as compared to their ability to love well. It’s always a great thing to learn about each other, especially the differences between men and women. You gain an advantage in life when you can understand the fundamentals. But you still have to learn new skills and ways of interacting with the opposite sex if you desire a truly satisfied relationship.

*Source: The Female Brain

What to do if you hate your dad

After posting my thoughts last night, I woke up this morning concerned about women, or men, who might hate their fathers. I want to encourage you that even though your father’s actions have had a profound influence on your life, those actions do not have to define you. You are no longer bound by his sinfulness, unless, of course, you remain bitter and hateful.

Here’s the deal, you can’t live a life free from the hurts of your past if you harbour bitterness or hatred in your heart. Love and hate can not coexist, and the later will put you in a prison unlike any prison built in the physical world. Unresolved hate and bitterness block you from experiencing peace, love, and joy.

Whether your father is dead or alive, you need to forgive him. I know some of you might be cringing at the thought of letting your father off the hook through forgiveness. If you are, then you don’t understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for your father, but rather, forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness doesn’t condone or accept what someone has done to you but rather it releases you from the bondage of your pain.

Give this prayer a chance to grow:

“Lord, I fall down at your cross broken and shattered. I hate my father and I can’t seem to let the hate go. My hate defines me and how I treat those I love the most. Lord, I ask that you set me free from this hatred. I know You don’t want hate in my heart, but I don’t know how to get rid of it so I’m asking you for help. Let me have eyes that see, ears that hear, and a heart that seeks Your will in this situation. I want to forgive my father, please show me the way. I know my heart doesn’t feel it at this moment, but I want to say, I forgive my father for what he has done to me. Turn this statement into reality for me Lord, and set me free.”

If you can not pray a prayer like the one I wrote above, then simply try praising God for all His glory and wonder. I recently learned in a phenomenal series on Worship by Rob Renfroe, that when we praise God, God sends his power down to us, and lives are changed. Build a significant play list in your iTunes music library that only consists of praise and worship songs. If you’re anything like me, then try out The David Crowder Band, Leeland, Chris Tomlin, or anything on the Passion cds. You can not lose when you praise God. I’ve been practicing this habit in the morning by my pool and I can’t explain what it does to me to sing praise songs. I’ve stopped asking God to change specific things in my life or to help me overcome bad habits, all I do now is sing and praise God for his unbelievable gift in Christ, and believe it or not, things are changing in my life for the good.

the good of our South Africa trip - and what you need to know about it

Now that I’ve got all of your empathy and tears for how hard our recent trip was to South Africa (see ” it was the best of times and the worst of times”), let me tell you about the best of times.

Believe it or not, we did not travel all the way to South Africa to get sick. We actually planned to speak at a wonderful local church in Johanessburg called Discovery Christian Live Centre. This is the second time they’ve brought us down, and we love them like family!

Because the trip was so difficult health wise, we knew that somebody needed us to be speaking there really bad. For the first time in our speaking history, about 11 years, we started off an event challenging the people that they’d better pay attention because there is someone in the audience who really needs this talk. We’re usually much more funny and relaxed, but our hearts truly felt that way. Somebody needed to listen to what God was prompting them to do, and maybe we had the message.

A man approached me after our first talk on Friday night. He had is wife and two beautiful children with him as he spoke to me somewhat passively. I couldn’t believe my ears when he said, “I’ve been in prison for the last fifteen years…I’ve never set foot in a church until tonight, and what you said was directed at me.” Big tears rolled down his face as his head dropped in clear shame and disappointment in how his life had played out so far.

You might be wondering what I said that Friday evening. For the first time in my life, I gave an impassioned plea at the end of our talk to fathers on how and why they need to love their daughters. It was from a place deep inside my soul and I couldn’t hold back the tears as I thought of all the unloved daughters in the world and how that impacts their lives. There is so much tragedy to a young woman’s life who hates her father.

One of the things that particularly stood out to this man was that I said a child’s, or daughter’s, first and major impression about God is developed through her experience with her earthly father. I can predict what a person’s view about God is based on their relationship with their father, or lack of relationship.

This man didn’t feel like he could ever repair the damage he caused them through his hurtful and selfish actions of the past. I was at a loss of what to say to him, other than our redemption in Christ. Which as true as this is, sometimes it can be almost impossible to believe when someone looks back on a life filled with corruption, greed, or violence. Then one of my closest friends in life, Jim Shaughnessy, stepped in because he’d been listening to what the man was saying to me. Jim is 60 years old and has known me since I was only three. His life is a testimony to what God can do to restore someone’s soul. Jim spent most of the night with this gentleman, and was able to share God’s design in his life and what he could do to right himself with God and his family. It always means more to someone to get advice and encouragement from someone who’s been there, like they have been.

The night was a success, and all the throw up and poop we had to deal with was worth it to see a life come before God and repent. What a moment! The best part of this experience, is that if you need it, it is there for you to.

a recent question from our message boards

If you don’t know, www.amyandmichael.org has a message board system where you can interact with our users. Amy and I also respond to some of the questions asked through the message boards on our blog, which you’re reading right now
Here is a recent question from the message boards:

“I would love to come to one of the marriage conferences, but I am not sure about my husband. I haven’t asked him yet but I don’t think he would embrace it with open arms. I think he would go if I really wanted us to do it, but I don’t know if he would participate to the fullest. I am sure a lot of men are like this, but what can I do, or what do you all do there to get him involved and comfortable? Thanks!”

Comment:

You are dead on with assuming that many men don’t like to attend marriage conferences. That’s why the majority of tickets purchased are by women. But I want to encourage you. Amy and I do everything in our power to make the seminar event practical and appealing to men. You want to know what most men say about our seminar after attending? “I couldn’t believe how fun this event was!” Seriously, one of the most pleasant surprises to men is that our seminars are extremely funny and entertaining. We respect the idea that seminars can be boring, in fact, that’s why I usually don’t attend very many seminars. I am also like the normal guy. I don’t want to be bored all day suffering through some horrible seminar taught by a lifeless speaker. We usually survey our attendees after each seminar to get their satisfaction level with the event. The average response on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being extremely satisfied) is a 9. This includes a man’s opinion!

But there is something else you should be more concerned about. If you are worried about whether or not your husband will participate to the fullest, you’re setting yourself up to fail. You can’t go to a marriage seminar worried about what your spouse is going to do. You need to go to a marriage seminar worried about what you are going to learn and how you are going to change as a result of the sessions.

If you get your husband to one of our events, I can assure you that we will do our best to entertain and enlighten him. We won’t ask him to do any goofy couples exercises like staring into each other’s eyes for five minutes without saying a word (which has really happened at marriage conferences). What we will do is challenge each of you to make a positive impact on your marriage by becoming the best husband and wife you can be.

What do you do with a husband who won’t try

If you don’t know, www.amyandmichael.org has a message board system where you can interact with our users. Amy and I also respond to some of the questions asked through the message boards on our blog, which you’re reading right now

Here is a recent question from the message boards:

“I would love to come to one of the marriage conferences, but I am not sure about my husband. I haven’t asked him yet but I don’t think he would embrace it with open arms. I think he would go if I really wanted us to do it, but I don’t know if he would participate to the fullest. I am sure a lot of men are like this, but what can I do, or what do you all do there to get him involved and comfortable? Thanks!”

Comment:

You are dead on with assuming that many men don’t like to attend marriage conferences. That’s why the majority of tickets purchased are by women. But I want to encourage you. Amy and I do everything in our power to make the seminar event practical and appealing to men. You want to know what most men say about our seminar after attending? “I couldn’t believe how fun this event was!” Seriously, one of the most pleasant surprises to men is that our seminars are extremely funny and entertaining. We respect the idea that seminars can be boring, in fact, that’s why I usually don’t attend very many seminars. I am also like the normal guy. I don’t want to be bored all day suffering through some horrible seminar taught by a lifeless speaker. We usually survey our attendees after each seminar to get their satisfaction level with the event. The average response on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being extremely satisfied) is a 9. This includes a man’s opinion!

But there is something else you should be more concerned about. If you are worried about whether or not your husband will participate to the fullest, you’re setting yourself up to fail. You can’t go to a marriage seminar worried about what your spouse is going to do. You need to go to a marriage seminar worried about what you are going to learn and how you are going to change as a result of the sessions.

If you get your husband to one of our events, I can assure you that we will do our best to entertain and enlighten him. We won’t ask him to do any goofy couples exercises like staring into each other’s eyes for five minutes without saying a word (which has really happened at marriage conferences). What we will do is challenge each of you to make a positive impact on your marriage by becoming the best husband and wife you can be.

it was the best of times and the worst of times

my family has returned from africa. it was the best of times and the worst of times. my father always taught that the best way for a family to bond was to go camping…because something always went wrong! amy and i recently traveled to south africa to preach and teach in johnanessburg on relationships. our big idea was to drag along our three young children who are only 9, 8, and 4. we wanted them to start understanding and experiencing life outside of the united states. this might sound a tad ambitious, especially considering their ages, but we also hate being away from our children for too long. so we decided almost a year ago that they would accompany us on our trip.

our biggest fear traveling with our children to africa was not malaria, aids, or kidnapping, but rather how miserable they would be on the more than 20 hours of flying it takes to get to johanessburg. we just knew they would complain the entire flight and do what ever they could to make us equally miserable. our thoughts couldn’t have been farther from the truth. the good news was that the kids were absolute angels on the flights. in fact, it normally takes about 24 hours to get to johanessburg from houston, texas - we’ve done the trip before - but due to flight delays and cancellations, it actually took us a legitimate 40 hours to get to our destination. that’s 40 hours in airports and planes without a break in a hotel.

the bad news is that they were throwing up the entire time! yes…i said throwing up. the night before we left for south africa our youngest little dude, david, broke out in a high fever. so the morning of our flight, i was sitting with my child in a doctor’s office praying that his sickness wasn’t serious. it turned out to be a virus, and there was nothing we could do for him, except of course, drag him half way across the globe while feeling totally miserable. hey…it was the least we could do for him

while on the way to george bush international, david started throwing up. we couldn’t believe he was getting sick, i don’t know why we were surprised, considering that murphy’s law should really be called smalley’s law. what can go wrong will go wrong for my family. it’s a genetic thing i suppose, passed on by my father. thanks dad.

with david throwing up, all we wanted to do was get to the airport and on the plane so we could finish the traveling portion of our trip as quickly as possible. but that was not meant to be. we spent 10 hours in the houston airport with a puking toddler and irritated passengers. one guy was so angry and immature, that me and one of the pilots nick named him little napolean, for his size and attitude.

instead of taking klm through amsterdam to johanessburg we ended up on air france to paris. this wouldn’t have been so bad, if, while in transit, our entire itinerary hadn’t been cancelled. that’s right. not only were we on a different carrier headed to a different city, but when we landed in paris we discovered that our family no longer existed. we’d been annihilated during the flight. i have to say, being annihilated wasn’t nearly as painful as i would have expected. consequently, we were allowed to stay in paris for almost 12 hours before finally getting on a plane to johanessburg. the best part of our 12 hours in paris was that it allowed our two older children time to get sick. as we were taking off from paris, our two oldest children began throwing up as well. now we had a virtual trifecta of puke to deal with for an 11-hour flight. once we landed it had been 40 hours of straight flying and airport delays.

but that’s when the real fun began…i’ll give you more tomorrow.