Drug usage of any kind can be a killer. Don’t be naive and think you’re kid is immune. I won’t.

Here is some more information about this growing problem for young adults:

from www.wikipedia.com

Inhalants are a chemically diverse group of psychoactive substances composed of organic solvents and volatile substances commonly found in more than 1000 common household products, such as adhesives, hair spray, air fresheners, gasoline, lighter fluid, and paint.

The practice of inhaling such substances is sometimes colloquially referred to as huffing, sniffing or chroming.

Common inhalants

• adhesives and cements (rubber cement, plastic cement, etc.)
• air freshener
• butane
• canned air (compressed hydrofluorocarbons)
• cassette player head cleaner
• correction fluid
• diethyl ether
• freon
• gasoline
• insecticide
• nail polish remover (acetone or similar chemicals)
• paint or spraypaint
• Paint thinner (turpentine or similar chemicals)
• Toluene
• xylene markers
• Gum sniffing
• Petrol sniffing
• The propellant in whip cream is commonly nitrous oxide although the same problems with N2O exist with therefore it is very uncommon.

Drinking by young adults - why this happens

I was reading my usual USA Today paper this morning and on the front page in its “USA TODAY Snapshots” the study was on drinking by young adults:

More than half of all adults 18-22 surveyed in 2005 said they had engaged in binge drinking or heavy drinking in the past month. How full-time college students compared with others in their age group:

“Jesus Camp” revisited part two

Rick wrote an eloquent and passionate response, you should read his comment.  I do want to make sure that Rick, or anyone else, understands that my comment about how I can empathize with Muslims was not about comparing the Christianity faith to the Muslim faith.  If you’ve been watching anything from nonviolent Muslims, they are all outraged that these terrorist groups get all the headlines for their religion.  I’ve personally known Muslims that do not, in any way, support or believe in what the extremists in their religion believe.

Frankly, we (Christians) have the same kind of problems many times.  Extremists in our belief get headlines as well; take a look at what Wikipedia has to offer to this regard:

Examples of attacks and aggression

·         October 2, 2004- Christian terrorist group kills 44 Hindus, wounds 118 in Northeast India. [1]

·         January 16, 1997- Christian Identity terrorist Eric Robert Rudolph bombs nightclub.[2]

·         July 27, 1996- Christian Identity terrorist Eric Robert Rudolph bombs Centennial Olympic Park. Kills 1, wounds 111.

·         1983- Posse Comitatus militia member Gordon Kahl kills two Federal marshals in North Dakota. Three others are wounded.

·         1969-2001- over 3000 people are killed in Ireland as a result of bombings and other violent acts between Catholics and Protestants. More than 1800 of those killed in “The Troubles” are civilians.

·         1940s- Terrorist organization Christian Identity is formed on the West Coast of the United States. Followers believe Armageddon will take place as a race war between Aryans, the “pure” people, against Jews, Muslims, and non-whites.

Just because these people have done horrible things in the name of Jesus, doesn’t mean they are a majority or that many Christians believe like they believe.  I would also challenge Rick, or anyone for that matter, to remember the medieval Crusades.  There’s been a lot of talk about what militant Muslims are doing around the world from Christians, but I rarely sense an understanding from these people about our own history as a body of believers and how we did the very same things during the medieval Crusades.  We need to be humble with our approach and influence others based on our own growth and maturity as a faith.

“Jesus Camp” revisited

Wow! Finally getting some wonderful feedback and comments from an article. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to comment and give me their opinion and feedback

Denis wrote:

I can’t understand why you “hate this kind of press for evangelicals” since it obviously was very effective. Just one article–you didn’t say you actually saw the movie–was enough to convince you that the Christian camp was “creepy.” Why? The tongues? The praying against abortion? The weeping? If the popularity of Christian music is up 300%, why isn’t there room for some Christians who don’t mind showing some emotion? You say you “wanted to get worked up,” but I guess you can’t–you’re an evangelical!

Thanks for your comment, but I believe parts are not understood.  First off, I hate this kind of press for all Christians; I should have been clearer on that and not been so specific with evangelicals.  I can’t see how this does any good for the Christian faith, to have kids worshipping pictures of George Bush, etc. at a camp is not a ministry but a brainwashing (and that’s if the article is fair and the documentary…I was not personally at the camp so I can not speak to that level of involvement). I believe that kind of message or example is exactly the kind of thing that keeps honest nonbelievers from wanting to be a part of faith in Christ.

The reason I get hacked off is because those kinds of camps (a camp that promotes worshipping pictures of George Bush) are the minority (in fact, this is the first time I’ve heard of such a thing occurring at a youth camp) and not the majority.  I could recommend hundreds of other youth camps where kids could attend and grow spiritually and have a terrific time without going through the agenda of a camp like “Jesus Camp”.

I don’t have any problems with a youth camp (or any Christian) speaking in tongues, raising their hands, dancing, or serious prayer.  I’ve had the privilege to speak at many churches and many styles of churches over the past decade (Lutheran, Presbyterian, Methodist, Pentecostal, Assemblies of God, Baptist, Southern Baptist, Bible, Nondenominational, and many more).  One of my first professional speaking jobs, where I actually got paid (I believe it was $75) was at an all black full Pentecostal church in downtown Chicago where 90% of the members were from Ghana, Africa.

I loved it.  Not my personal every week style, but I can see how God ministers to all sorts of people and personalities through all the different denominations.  It’s actually quite moving to have had this experience because I can understand how BIG God is

There is always room for all types of Christian, as long as they keep some key things in mind:

1. Honor God - pursue an authentic relationship with God and honor God’s guidelines
2. Honor Others - always place high value on people, not matter where they are in life
3. Honor Yourself - we are created in God’s image which gives us an innate value and this means we have to value ourselves so we can value others (Matthew 22:34-40; pay close attention to verse 39)

The Jesus Camp Documentary - gets me hacked!

Have you heard the buzz? ABC News writes about the newest documentary to create a stir titled, “Jesus Camp”. Their online article is titled thoughtfully, “Film Shows Youths Training to Fight for Jesus: New Documentary Features Controversial Bible Camp, Evangelical Movement”.

Here’s how the article starts off:

An in-your-face documentary out this weekend is raising eyebrows, raising hackles and raising questions about evangelizing to young people.

Speaking in tongues, weeping for salvation, praying for an end to abortion and worshipping a picture of President Bush — these are some of the activities at Pastor Becky Fischer’s Bible camp in North Dakota, “Kids on Fire,” subject of the provocative new documentary, “Jesus Camp.” (direct link)

I wanted to get worked up over it, and maybe not for the reason you’re thinking right now. I hate this kind of press for evangelicals. I think I can empathize with how Muslims feel when radicals in their religion are highlighted. We are not all like the people running or attending this camp!

But I don’t want to get into this issue for now. I’ll save that for a later post. Near the end of the article I read the following:

Over the past decade and a half, enrollment at Christian colleges is up 70 percent. Sales of Christian music are up 300 percent. Tens of thousands of youth pastors have been trained.

Their point? You want my take on why Christian music has risen over 300% in the last decade? If not, then you can stop reading at this point.

When I was a young Christian, I didn’t listen to Christian music because it was horrible. It sounded dorky and the lyrics were uninspiring. Today, I have literally thousands of Christian songs because artists like Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, and other three named musicians finally started making good music with creative and solid lyrics.

The rise in Christian music popularity is certainly not even closely related to some creepy fundamentalist camp located in North Dakota.

Funny thing is…those kids or adults wouldn’t even buy the popular Christian music of today because it has drums, guitars, and other evil instruments.

The art of diversion when it comes to disciplining your children

“Dadyyyyyyyyy!” My middle child yelled like a banshee fleeing hell. “Daddyyyyyyyyyy!” My youngest child screamed in echo while sprinting after his sister desperately trying to beat her to me, obviously wanting to give his side of what ever they were worked up over.

I was watching an NFL game and didn’t want to deal with their problem, but they quickly made it my problem when they both started screaming at each other (I think I may have been yelled at as well for not listening to someone, but I couldn’t tell who was the culprit through all the chaos.).

What do you do at this point?

I wasn’t at the scene of the crime so I couldn’t determine who was at fault. If I listened to Reagan, it was David’s fault. If I listened to David, it was Reagan’s fault. Then I remembered, distraction!

I made both kids apologize, but Reagan’s was less than authentic, it was said with a gigantic frown on her face and her eyebrows were burrowed, highlighting her anger. I almost started in on her, but then remembered, distraction!

I’m ADHD, so distraction shouldn’t be a hard concept for me to utilize in my parenting. The tension in the room was palpable, all I did was look at Reagan and asked, “Want to go swimming?”

I could see she was taken off guard with my statement. I think she knew that I was about to really get into it with her, I’ll just say that the little lady has had experience with that.

David immediately yelled (this time nicely), “To the pool!” He was off and headed for a swimsuit. Reagan was still upset and didn’t want to show that swimming was a really good idea. So I picked myself up from the couch and said, “You don’t have to come and get crazy in the pool with me, that’s your choice.” At that, she was off finding her swimsuit.

Sometimes the most effective discipline tool is distraction. Get their minds and energy refocused on something positive, or at least, something other than what they are about to get in trouble for. This isn’t perfect for every situation, but when your kids come running at you blaming each other, it might be the perfect thing

Giving to Steve Irwin’s project

I want to provide a link to the late Steve Irwin’s nonprofit company, Wildlife Warriors Worldwide, that gives 100% of its donations to the company’s efforts.

Administration Costs
Through the support of Australia Zoo (our major sponsor) our administration costs are covered, allowing 100% of donated funds to be applied to wildlife programs.

All I can say for that is CRIKEY! Way to go Steve, what a legacy you’ve left behind. My heart and prayers go out to your family.

The birthday party madness (dealing with high, unmet expectations)

My son’s 10th birthday party was last night and I thought I was going to kill some kid by the end of the night. I know one of the 10 commandments reads something like thou shalt not murder, but seriously, these kids were so crazy last night that I almost considered breaking that rule and owning up to any consequence dealt out by God or man.

I wanted my son to have a great party because he was turning “double digits” (as my son puts it). But I didn’t want to deal with hyper-active kids all night long. At one point in the evening, a kid threw a piece of ice across the room and hit my wife in the shoulder; that pushed me over the edge. I was not just my son’s father at this party but I was also most of these kids’ football coach as well. That meant I could threaten more conditioning if they didn’t calm down.

There is a lesson in the evening for me, and hopefully for you as well. I had a serious expectation built up for the evening. For some reason, I thought the boys would behave like they did at football practice, which isn’t really that bad, in fact, most of the time they are down right obedient and respectful.

When reality didn’t meet my expectations for the evening, I got cranky. Crankiness is a direct consequence of having high expectations. “My husband will be home on time tonight.” “My wife will let me go watch the game tonight with my buddies.” (I really am hoping for this one) “My children will obey me every day.”

Here’s the trick. None of these expectations seem inappropriate. That’s what is difficult for dealing with expectations, most of the time, they seem appropriate and fair. But expectations only get you in trouble, especially when you add the emphasis of “will” to them.

I found a good article by John Banmen of the Satir Institute of the Pacific who gives five ways to help deal with unmet expectations. What we need to learn is that having expectations is normal and not the problem. How we deal with unmet expectations is what can make or break our relationships.

Last night I did not deal with my unmet expectations effectively. Instead of redefining them, or looking for creative ways to replace them, I got cranky (and I’m being nice to myself by using the word cranky). I took out my frustration and anger over my unmet expectations on my son, who was trying to have fun at his birthday party. Instead of goofing off with him, I ended up threatening him three different times.

Three different times I got mad at my son on his birthday for things that were not a big deal. I actually told him that he would be in “big trouble tomorrow”. What a )(*(*^*^&%*&^( I was that evening! I know better than what I did last night. As a parent, I can not make undefined threats to my children, especially on their birthday!

I made up for it this morning and apologized to my son for being such a *&^&&%%$ last night. He actually apologized to me for breaking some of my rules last night, and without me reminding him to apologize. I then said that his punishment was “time served” last night because of my poor attitude. Of course I had to use a phrase that he didn’t understand, so I spent the next 10 minutes explaining the nuances of what “time served” means.

__________________

Here are John’s five things to do with unmet expectations:

1. “Let go of your unmet expectations.”

Letting go of what the client wanted often triggers some sense of loss. By accepting oneself and accepting the situation without necessarily liking it, one can also deal with the loss, and appreciate what one has and is. This process works well if done in a experiential way.

2. “Find alternatives to meet your unmet expectations.”

For example, if the client wants something and it is not available either from the past or in the present, the client is encouraged to explore alternatives to satisfy one’s unmet expectations. Finding and implementing alternatives to unmet expectations can become a healthy way of dealing with one’s daily life.

3. “Decide to hold on to your unmet expectations.”

If clients are not willing to let go or find alternatives to their unmet expectations, it is important to explore the costs to the client and possible “payoffs”. You help the client explore and accept the cost to themselves and possibly to others without forcing them to change. Don’t push them, don’t criticize them, honour their choice even if you do not agree with their decision. I have found that many clients who explore the cost of holding on to their unmet expectations are, at a later session, very open to letting go and deal with their disappointment, hurt and anger, and then find healthy ways to meet their needs.

4. “Go to your yearnings.”

Expectations are usually person and situation specific. By helping clients experience their deepest longings, such as the universal yearnings for love, acceptance, belonging, security or freedom, you can help the clients to find a way to fulfil their yearnings in a realistic and healthy way. They then might be able to let go of the specific unmet expectation which has been causing their reactions. For example, “I want and expect some approval and acceptance from Peter.” By going deeper and realizing that the client wants approval and acceptance, but that he can get it from people other than Peter and from himself would illustrate the concept of meeting yearnings.

5. “Work on meeting your expectations.”

Often clients need some help in believing in themselves or possibly help in resolving an old belief, i.e., “I’m too old to go back to school to fulfil an expectation.” Therapists can be very helpful in helping clients meet their realistic expectations.

We have found that working with unmet expectations experientially gets us quick results and helps the clients take greater responsibility for their life.

The great mall meltdown

You’ve all been there (at least if you’re a parent), the great meltdown of your toddler at the mall. It’s about as miserable of an experience you can go through, right up there with getting your teeth knocked out or getting viral meningitis (which I have gotten and truly know how miserable that is).

All I wanted to do was get my oldest son his big birthday present and for some reason I thought it would be fun to bring my four-year old with me to the mall. It would be a regular “Leave it to Beaver” moment; if little Beaver was demon possessed!

I don’t know what I was thinking, I hadn’t been drinking or doing drugs, I promise, but I really thought I would have fun with David. I should have known that he hasn’t gotten the concept yet of when his birthday is compared to other people.

It was miserable right from the start, or when I first told him no. I wasn’t going to cave this time, no, not this time. I was a pillar of discipline with my first two children, but with my third…I’ve been anything but a pillar, more like a very small and very soft pillow.

David cried and moaned from one store to the next. I lasted through about three stores, only because I had to get my son’s presents. After my final stop, I was about ready to tear his head off (Ever felt that way about your kids? I have.)!

Here’s the deal. If you’re not consistent and you don’t offer any consequences for your child’s behavior; good luck. Even if you’re at the mall and everyone is staring at you because you have the only kid who ever acts out in public, you still have to keep your head and deal out consequences - logical consequences.

I had told David that I would get him a new game, but since he started freaking out, that was no longer an option. Then as we headed out through Sears for the parking lot, he started begging me for something else, but through the sobs I couldn’t understand what he was asking for. But whatever it was, he wanted it really bad.

I calmly told him no, seriously, I calmly handled myself, but he kept saying this word. I had no idea what he was saying. I felt horrible when, through the crocodile size tears, he wept out, “You’re not listening to me!” He was so frustrated that this only increased his sobbing. Whatever he was trying to say sounded a lot like “glass”. But when I repeated that word back to him, he only got more frustrated.

The best part of that trip was that I never escalated with my son. I was so proud of myself when we reached the car and I hadn’t screamed at him or grabbed his arm aggressively.

I truly believe that I made that experience slightly less miserable than it would have been if I had escalated along with my son.

No matter where we are, no matter what our children are doing, as parents, we never have the right to behave bad because our kids are behaving bad.

Tomorrow I’ll probably have a good example of how not to handle yourself when your kid freaks out.

I’ve got to keep the balance.

Why your marriage is unhappy

Usually the first thing somone thinks about when they hear the word “fear” is that they don’t want to believe it or don’t want to admit they have fear.  In both scenarios, people are wrong.  Everyone has fear, but we’re not talking about the kind of fear that makes you run a little faster in the dark, or avoid that certain part of town, or run away from an angry bear.

The kind of fear we’re talking about is called a Core Relational Fear (CRF).  What we discovered through eight years of intense clinical research was that for all the couples who were attending our intensives in Branson, Missouri; it seemed like there was the appearance of common issues or problems.  These commonalities eventually became understood as relational fears.  They were fears like being controlled, rejected, disconnected, a failure, or invalidated.

The reason couples get into conflict or become unsatisfied is not because an affair has occurred, your husband works too many hours, your kids are out-of-control, or your finances are weak.  The reason couples get into trouble is because their CRF’s are being pushed.  Your spouse is hitting your internal “hot button”, which is your CRF, and you are reacting poorly to your button being pushed.

Here are the most common CRF’s we’ve discovered througout the years and their preceding desires or wants:

———————————-

Rejection
Judgment
Disconnection
Loneliness
Failure
Powerlessness
Being misunderstood
Being scorned
Being invalidated
Feeling defective
Inferiority
Worthlessness
Feeling devalued
Humiliation
Abandonment
Feeling unimportant
Feeling Ignored
Neglect
Condemnation
Feeling unwanted
Danger
Feeling disliked
Mistrust
Despair
Unhappiness

———————————-

Can you identify with any of these?  You might identify with all of them, but usually, people will have 2 or 3 strong CRF’s that really stand out among the rest.

Here’s the deal.  You can’t ever get rid of your CRF, but you can learn to react to it differently.  The point of understanding your CRF is so you can understand better why you get upset with your mate, children, family, coworkers, or friends.  Once you understand what’s at the root of your hurt, frustration, or unmet expectations, you can gain control over your emotional life.  Once you learn how to properly communicate, you’ll start communitcating about your CRF’s and not serface level events.

How words can damage love

I received this email from a wonderful woman who attended one of our Marriage Restoration Retreats a while back here in The Woodlands. I want you to read her email (published with her permssion) and decide for yourself how important it is to keep control of your tongue.

“I just want to thank you for taking the time to send out these newsletters. My husband and I attended one of your marriage intensives with Michael and Amy last summer. It made our last few months more bearable and closer to the way that God intends our marriage to be.

Unfortunately, my husband passed away in October at 28, leaving behind not only myself but our 5 month-old and our 3 year-old. The saddest part of losing him, other than the obvious, was the fact that we had said so many things that should have been left unsaid.

What I think people fail to remember is that once words are out, there is no way to ever get them back again. You can apologize and say you didn’t mean them, but on some level, you meant them at that moment. Things that I know were said in anger, are still said. They leave behind scars that will be hard to heal for me, though now they will never be thought of again by him. While I know, and am confident, that God will heal those wounds, I just want to encourage you to continue encouraging others to be careful of angry words. They can hurt far more than we’ll ever realize.

Thank you again for your continued work in this area.”

God bless you,
Kristie

When the toilet overflows your marriage can benefit from it

Tonight I sat down at one of my favorite places in my house to write another article, the kitchen table. Why is the kitchen table my favorite place to sit you ask? Because I can see the television in my living room from that table and that typically means I get to watch what ever game is on - which tonight - that’s the #1 Ohio State Buckeyes and the #2 Texas Longhorns (go Longhorns!).

As I began to type, the flood gates opened above my head through an air conditioning vent and water poured into my kitchen. I had no idea where the water was coming from and didn’t know what to do. At this point, I should be completely honest with you, there wasn’t a chance in the world that I would ever have figured it out either. I’m not the guy who spends his days watching shows on DIY Network or HG TV. I don’t subscribe to any fix-it-up magazine and the only toolbox I have is a very nice one provided by my father-in-law (who happens to be Mr. Fix It and a builder by trade), and he had to come over and put it together!

I eventually utilized my incredible deductive reasoning skills and found the source of my mini flood - the kids’ bathroom toilet had been slowing leaking from a rather bad case of (you know what) and the water had enough time to sink through the floor and down to the kitchen.

As I was plunging the poop out of the toilet I got to thinking about what this could mean for marriages. The reason the flood developed was not from an instant rage of water spewing out from the toilet. But rather from a small, but steady, flow of water from the plugged up toilet.

The same thing can be said for marriages. It’s rarely a huge, out-of-nowhere, event that leads a couple down the road to divorce. Even when a couple comes to me for counseling because of an affair, the affair is kind of like the flood waters coming out of the vent from my ceiling. It’s a result from a long, steady problem that could have been prevented, but was left unaddressed.

Make sure and do some good maintenance on your marriage. Here are some good ideas to consider for your marriage to ensure a lifetime of happiness and satisfaction:

1. Regularly attend a couples small group, there is nothing more important that you could do for the health of your marriage than be in a small group.
2. Make sure you’re reading (or listening) to the latest books on marriage. This will keep your love skills sharp and creative.
3. Start (or continue) attending a church where you feel challenged and comfortable to be yourself. Church is not necessarily the answer, but you will certainly get an opportunity to grow in your relationship with Christ, which is the answer.

[click here for small group materials - click here for marriage and parenting resources - click here to find out more about our Marriage Restoration Retreats]

A great example of ADHD

Now that I’ve blasted the establishment (and maybe some parents), I want to give you a great example of a kid who needs to be medicated.

This is a true story (not that I ever make up false stories).

I was one of the youth leaders at a church I helped start years ago and one of the parents approached me on a Sunday and asked if I could evaluate their son for ADHD. They had been recommended by a child psychologist to medicate their son, but before they took that step, they wanted a second opinion. I agreed and we decided to meet at their house the next evening.

I didn’t know what to expect, and to be honest, I assumed that this was going to be another kid who’d been misdiagnosed with ADHD. I typically try and assume that it’s a personality thing before I ever work with a kid who has been previously diagnosed with ADHD, that way, in my mind, I have to prove it otherwise.

I knocked on the door and the boy’s (who was about 13) mother answered the door and welcomed me inside. Whenever I visit someone’s home (for counseling like situations, not for friends) I am always interested in the condition of the home. This home was immaculate and friendly. The parents were sweet and cordial, all that was left was to meet the young man in question.

I’ll never forget what happened next. As I sat down in the living room with the parents, they explained that their son was going to the bathroom, which I then heard loud noises emanating from behind the closed bathroom door. Farting noises to be exact. Lots and lots of farting noises. I didn’t let this get to me, because what 13 year-old boy hasn’t thrown out a few farting noises in their lifetime?

Then, like the unsuspecting rush of a tsunami, the boy flew out of the bathroom and charged at me flinging a toilet plunger over his head like a prehistoric warrior’s club. I was completely caught off guard and jumped up to defend myself from the onslaught of the toilet plunging, attacking teen, who was yelping out his battle cry.

The funny thing, though, was that the parents didn’t look surprised; not even a little bit! It was like this was a normal way for their son to greet a family guest.

As I battled with the 13 year-old in the middle of the family’s living room I asked the parents if this was normal. They both looked at each other, and with years of uncontrollable chaos, they answered, “Yes. Yes it is.”

I kept telling the boy that he needed to stop and that I didn’t like him trying to hit me with a nasty toilet plunger, but he just wouldn’t quit! I tried natural consequences, counting, and threatening, until finally I warned the boy that if he didn’t stop immediately I would cause him serious pain. I know this might not be the approach many therapists would take, but I wasn’t about to be smacked by a toilet plunger, especially with the smell still lingering from the boy’s previous engagement.

He didn’t stop, even with my serious warning of pain. So at that, I looked at the parents and asked permission to painfully stop their son from hitting me, and they gave me the thumbs up. So I quickly slammed the boy to the ground, pinned both of his arms awkwardly behind his back, and explained to him that he wouldn’t be released until he calmed down and apologized.

He did.

As the boy lifted himself up from the ground, he didn’t look too happy, but he was definitely more calm. I glanced over at the parents and confidently announced, “Yes, your son would definitely benefit from medication.”

The joys of ADHD - and a serious warning to parents and professionals!

Hi, my name is Michael, and I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. Sometimes it feels like I’m standing in front of an ADHD Annonimous Group when people hear that I have ADHD. But I don’t look at it like a “disorder” because it helps me in so many areas of my life.

I was checking my voicemail the other day and my clinical manager Kellie Cole (she works at my counseling center in The Woodlands, Texas and is the reason we have an ethical and superb training facility for professionals and students!) left me a rather long voice message. I hate long voice messages and will typically delete them if I feel like they’re wasting my time (which is very Christ-like of me, I know). Kellie was going on about something important, so I didn’t erase it right away, the problem was that the message was so long (and I have ADHD) that after a few minutes I forgot I was listening to a voicemail and actually started talking back to Kellie so we could interact about her question. I swear to you that this really happened. I truly started talking to Kellie as if she were on the phone, which is pretty stinking funny if you think about it. There I was driving in my car checking my voicemails, and all of a sudden I started talking to the voice on my cell phone wanting it to interact with me, expecting it to interact with me. It was a horrible scene for about 15 seconds because as Kellie was talking on my voicemail, I interrupted her to give my feedback! I said something like, “You know, this is what…” and I got irritated because she continued to talk, even while I was trying to talk!

Kellie is lucky that she wasn’t really on the phone to hear me say she was fired But after about 15 seconds of confusion on my part, I finally remembered that I was only listening to “cyber” Kellie, and no matter how much I wanted her to treat me with respect and not talk over me, that was not a possibility. I laughed so hard at myself that I had to pull over to gather my emotions to make the drive safe for all those on the highway that day.

If you’re a doctor or therapist who has over-diagnosed ADHD or ADD with children or adults, you might want to stop reading this entry now. Just walk away and don’t read another word, you won’t like what I’m about to say, but it has to be said.

Too many people don’t understand the major increase in kids or adults getting diagnosed with ADHD or ADD and I’m getting tired of this problem. Yes…ADHD and ADD do exist and actually impact the lives of real people. No…it is not as prevalent or widespread as we have all been lead to believe. I’m no medical doctor or psychiatrist, but I have been diagnosed with ADHD and I do have a heart and understanding for this issue. I’ve been working as a counselor with kids, singles, couples, and families for a lot of years now, and I’ve personally experienced these diagnoses being over prescribed.

The reality (or at best, my opinion) is that for years, probably starting in the late 80s or early 90s, insurance companies, who pay the professionals who diagnose this “disorder”, paid for the diagnosis. I believe that professionals on all levels were encouraged to diagnose this disorder because it made them money. I know there are always good people who are doing their best to diagnose properly, but if you look at the increase in diagnoses in that time, it looks fishy.

Dr. William B. Carey wrote in his article, “What to do about the ADHD epidemic”(1),

“In the last two decades the United States has experienced a great increase in the diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and its treatment with stimulants. Much of the public is confused, and now apprehensions are mounting with the extension of the diagnosis and drug use into preschool years. Some of us pediatric moderates are trying to mediate between the conservative defenders of the present imperfect construct and the radical critics who regard the diagnosis as a fraud.” Dr. Carey goes on to explain how the DSM-IV (diagnostic manual for clinicians) does a poor job on defining ADHD and distinguishing it from normal behavior.

Look, it’s not that confusing or scary to understand ADHD. Don’t get caught up in all the hoopla surrounding it and the controversies. Does you child need medication? I always encourage parents (or adults who are thinking of medicating themselves) to look at their child’s life as objectively as possible by asking these very important questions:

a) Does my child have any friends?
This is an important question, because typically, kids with ADHD will have a difficult time making friends because they are so hyper and “obnoxious” kids don’t like to hang around them much.

b) What are my child’s grades like?
If your child is getting C’s or above, then I seriously doubt he/she needs to be on medication. Not every child is meant to get all A’s or A’s and B’s. I’m not just saying this because I was one of those kids, but because it’s true. Frankly, if you’ve read anything about emotional intelligence, you’d know that straight A’s doesn’t mean squat when it comes to future success in business, life, or making money.

c) How do you feel about your child?
If your own kid irritates the life out of you because he can’t ever shut it off, then you might need to look into medication (or maybe changing your parenting or discipline methods; which I would look at first if it were me).

If your child is so hyper that his grades are failing, his friendships are nonexistent, and you have a hard time being around him, then make sure you get him into counseling with a professional therapist who specializes in kids and ADHD. Outside of these issues, be careful you’re not medicating your child’s personality and not a disorder. School is designed for the quiet, listening, mellow kids who love to sit all day and soak in all the knowledge of their teachers. School is not designed for fun loving, hyper-personalities, who love to learn through experience and not listening. Schools are getting better, but quiet kids are still rewarded for their behavior while interactive kids are typically shut down.

But what do I know.

Footnotes

(1) http://www.ahrp.org/children/CareyADHD0603.php

Why people upset you and how that says more about you than them

I’m not a racist. At least I don’t want to be a racist, but I have to be completely honest and admit, that I am white, American, and male - so that pretty much means I don’t have a clue about how other races feel or what they go through in regards to racism.

A few weeks ago I was eating at my favorite Thai restaurant in town and my friend (who shall go unnamed) asked an Asian looking fellow if the restaurant was going to refill the egg rolls and sushi. To which the Asian looking man replied, “I don’t work here, I’m just here on a lunch meeting.” To which my friend promptly threw up emotionally and fled the scene with his tail between his legs.

When my friend got back to our booth, his face appeared disturbed, so I asked him what was wrong; he then explained what had happened and I about fell over laughing. I then got serious and confronted him a little bit about how racist and insensitive that was, I wasn’t brutal with him by any means, but I did give him a hard time about it - like I was some bastion of racial rights, comparable to the likes of Dr. King, Gandhi, or Rosa Parks.

Here’s the deal. This is not an entry on racism, but rather an entry on personal responsibility. My friend embarrassed me and irritated me that day at our favorite Thai restaurant and I let him know about it. The problem is that I was struggling with the same problems. And that, my friends, is the issue.

Be very careful about confronting people who irritate you with their behavior. I don’t mean people who hurt your emotionally or physically, I mean people who “bug” you with their actions or non actions. The reason they probably irritate or bug you is that you are struggling with the same issue.

Point in case.

Yesterday I was at the Thai restaurant again, this time with my wife, and guess what I did…yep…it appears that I needed to scold myself rather than my friend.

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