How to Craft a Great Apology

“If I offended you, then I’m sorry.”

“Ok, maybe I could have handled the situation a little better, I’m sorry.”

“I probably should not have done that, I’m sorry.”

Those would be great apologies without the words if, maybe or probably.

Here are my thoughts for crafting great apologies:

1. Put some thought into it.  “There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking” Proverbs 29:20 (NLT). The other person will know the sincerity of your apology by the amount of thought you have given to it. Think it through.
 

2. Focus on feelings, not issues. “We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up” 1 Corinthians 8:1. Resolution focuses on the issue, but reconciliation focuses on the relationship. Let the other person know that your relationship is more important than the disagreement.

 3. Become a wordsmith. Pick great, meaningful words. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” Proverbs 16:24.  “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” Proverbs 12:18. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1.
 

4. Remember, less is often more. Sometimes in our apologies we can bring up three new issues as we try to make amends over one. “Fire goes out for lack of fuel…”  Proverbs 26:20a (NLT).  “Don’t talk too much, for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow” Proverbs 10:19 (NLT). “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” Proverbs 17:27, 28. “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” Proverbs 10:19
I find myself saying “I’m sorry” more often than I do “I forgive you.” In fact, I don’t even have a list for saying “I forgive you.”

Do your children love and honor each other? Healthy conflict resolution skills begin at home!

Many people believe that it is normal for siblings to have hateful fights and for homes with teenagers to be filled with conflict-that is not true!  Some people actually expect their children to dislike each because they are siblings.  I believe they should love each other BECAUSE they are siblings.

I have known many parents who allow their children to handle conflicts with name calling, physical fights, and slamming doors.  When this activity occurs the typical response is, “they are brothers, they are going to fight”.  Obviously, family members are going to find themselves conflicted at times but allowing your children to solve their conflicts in dishonoring ways will teach them lessons they will carry out with their friends at school and with their future spouses.

If you expect your children to treat each other in a dishonoring way that is exactly what they will do.  But, if you teach them healthy conflict resolution skills and that the relationship between a brother or sister is one of the most valuable of all human relationships the Lord will bless them with, they will honor their siblings.

Although it would be easier to ask your kids to go fight outside where you won’t have to hear them, it is best to sit them down and help them discuss their feelings with each other and possible solutions to their disagreements.

By expecting your children to resolve conflicts in a loving way you not only keep a peaceful family life even through the teen years but you are preparing your children for strong marriage relationships.  Can you imagine a world where all couples entered into marriage with healthy conflict resolution skills they learned from their parents?

Expect love and honor in your home, I have two teenage sons and I promise it is possible!

Top 10 Reasons Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.  You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8.  You ask for high fiber candy only.

7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6.  People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or ….”  and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

The Greatest Insight God has Ever Given Me

I’ve only been memorizing and repeating daily a few new verses and truth about Christ’s power living inside me for the past ten months. But today I saw the greatest truth. I have this unlimited power, love, fulfillment and life alive inside of me through the Holy Spirit that Christ promised to send me after he departed. I can do all things through this power. I can control all of my strongholds (beliefs), imaginations and thoughts. Therefore, what I think determines not only who I am, but what I sow in my heart and mind, I will reap. (Proverbs 23:7 and Galatians 6:7)

So, here is the insight, I only want to think and sow the Big Eight thoughts in Philippians 4:8,9 because then, I will only have emotions, words and actions that correspond to those wonderful eight words. (Is it True, Honorable, Right, Pure, Beautiful, Adorable, Excellent, and Worthy of Praise)

As a result of transforming my thinking to these Big Eight, my feelings and speech will only be consistent with those eight words and my actions will correspond to those eight. Just think of it, if we have teens, adults and seniors that live this way, if all of mankind lives this way, what a world we will live in!

I also will run all of my trials through these Big Eight. I have a new image in my mind of how I will live my life. I see a broken line circle inside of me that is being filled with God’s love and character everyday. My main purpose in life is to know His love and character and he fills my circle everyday until it is full and then, it expands if needed. Because his love and character are unlimited. My circle of love and character inside of me will explode with this new awareness that trials bring love and character faster than anything else.

Now, as trials of any kind hit me, I see clearly how exalting and thinking of how much joy will soon be mine (Rom. 5:3-6 and James 1:2-6) because every trial brings new depth of love and character filling my internal circle. And I get this new love and character within minutes or weeks. I’ll rest and wait however long it takes him to develop more of his love and character within me. Then, I will have more of the Big Eight living inside of me!! And having more of the Big Eight is being more like Christ and knowing his resurrection power, his sufferings and on and on. Wow!

Going around the mountain of faith

Did you ever feel like the Israelites? You just keep wandering aimlessly around the same mountain and never seem to arrive at the destination? My mountain is allowing stress to get the better of me. I basically get all worked up over stuff and God just keeps working it all out.

Having real faith can be a challenge for all of us. We know God, we know His Word, we’ve seen His faithfulness, yet we fall short of allowing Him to be in control. Our emotions have a way of taking over and our trust level drops. And why does that happen? I’m not sure I really know. Perhaps it is the human factor; perhaps it’s

a weakness. Either way, it’s something I am convinced we need to move past because He never disappoints us.

This past week I was in charge of planning a really big event for my church. It was the first time we ever did an event of this type, so there was a lot of new territory. Thankfully, I had great help in several different areas, but I felt the event was ultimately my responsibility. We had a few glitches here and there, but a big one popped up two days before with the music we needed to use for our singers. I was so upset about it, I had pains in my stomach. I left our last rehearsal pretty much a mess. It was easily fixed the next day and the event went extremely well. Our guests were very impressed with the way the entire event was put together and the musical performances were a huge success.

As we reflected on the evening, I realized that I’d done it again. I let the worries get to me, when God was behind the wheel the whole time.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

We can’t focus on the situation or circumstances. We have to keep our focus on Him. If we try to do things according to what we see or understand, we may not always make it. We have to allow Him to take over.

I think having faith comes out of seeing what God has already done and knowing that He will do it again. You know that old saying, “the proof is in the pudding”? Well, God continues to prove himself time and time again. If we can just hold onto that, our faith will grow even when things are tough and seem hopeless.

David’s drawing of Jesus

My youngest child, David, was in my office tonight when I got my two oldest kids, Cole and Reagan, to write a journal entry for the blog. He wanted to participate, and since he can’t write yet, I told him to draw me a picture and then I would upload it to the site.

He came back several minutes later proudly announcing, “Here it is daddy…my picture, it’s Jesus!” For those of you who might be counselors or psychologists, or those of you who think you are, what can you make of this image…

He said that Jesus is somewhere near the bottom of this picture. I can’t say that I’m positive where Jesus is in the drawing, but I can say that I’m thrilled with the concept.

How can you win back the X?

Sometimes, a relationship ends and you’re not too happy, especially if you’re on the wrong end of the breakup.  Is there anything you can do to win back someone who’s dumped you (this includes married people as well)?  Is it even a good idea to win someone back?

How about Yes and Yes.

There are very specific things you can do to win someone back who’s lost interest in the relationship or broke up with you because of something you did.  It is not bad to want to win someone back, especially if you were not loving well and want to make a change in your life.

However, sometimes, when you’re most vulnerable, you might try anything to win someone back, and this is not a good idea.  Take for example this woman in Germany, who hired a “love witch” to help win back a boyfriend who’d dumped her:

A German woman won a lawsuit against a “love witch” who failed to induce her ex-boyfriend to come back with rituals under the full moon designed to cast a spell over him, a Munich court said on Monday.

“The witch lost,” said Munich district court spokesperson Ingrid Kaps. The ‘love witch’ was ordered to return her €1 000 (about R9 000) fee and pay “several hundred euros” in costs.

“The plaintiff was in despair after her boyfriend left and tried to get him to return with help from a woman who calls herself a ‘love witch’,” she added. “The court has ruled it was a service that was ‘objectively impossible’ to render.”

Something has gone terribly wrong in your life when you resort to something like this! The question is, what can you do that is healthy to win back an X:

1. Don’t be needy.  It’s probably one of the main reasons the person dumped you.  Try and figure out why you were needy and get yourself to a place where you don’t need that person any more, once this happens, he’ll be more interested.
2. Learn how to love well.  Take an honest inventory of your relationship and figure out what you were doing that wasn’t productive in keeping the relationship satisfied. What are your growth areas?  How will you address them?
3. Don’t panic.  The last thing you need to do is panic and make a hundred phone calls every day begging your X to come back.  Keep cool and realize the only way you’ll win her back is by growing in love.
4. Respect her boundaries.  Do not, I repeat, do not pursue an X if they ask you not to.  If your X says, “Don’t call me anymore.”  Then I’d recommend that you not call anymore.  Often times someone breaks up with you because they don’t feel in control, allow your X to regain control again and watch what happens.

Celebrate your weaknesses and trials

How many times per day do you think about your weaknesses or your present and past trials?  Those times during the day or night that you are trying to sleep and your mind is flooded with thoughts about failures, handicaps, shortcomings, missed opportunities, disappointments, the “If only I would haves”, people ripping you off, the financial promises that never materialized and so on.

You’re in for a treat today.  I also have these kinds of thoughts each day except that I now truly enjoy them instead of dreading them.  Why?

Because my real deep goal in life it to become more like Christ every day.  I want his character, love, power, fulfillment and life.  I use his power to control all of my thoughts because what I think is what I will become.  What I sow in my mind today is what I will reap in emotions, words and actions tomorrow.  Galatians 6:7

This morning I realized that since I become more like him everyday through my trials and weaknesses, I can get really excited about my weaknesses and trials.  2 Corinthians 12:9,10 and Romans 5:3-5.

And the best part of my insight this morning is that I always have my weaknesses with me and I seem to always have the memories of past and current trials.  James 1:2-5 tells me that I can start counting my joy that will be mine through all of my trials.  I’m very fortunate to have so many slowly changing weaknesses and trials.  And I use trial and weakness to figure out how I am becoming more like him.  (See my book, Joy that Lasts)

I have:

• Dyslexia: I type about 25 words per minute with 10 mistakes per line.  The great part of this one is that I have to partner with others to finish a book.  Partnering is a great secret in life for success!
• ADHD: constantly distracted and changeable.  Life is so much fun and the variety is great each day.  It keeps me humble and Christ only gives his grace to the humble.  James 4:
• A major spelling and reading handicap: Wonderful.  My books are very simple and easy to read.  Why?  Because I can’t be involved with a book that isn’t simple, on a sixth grade level.  It seems that the average person likes to read a book on a simple level.

I have many more weaknesses I’ll share later.  But, remember that your weaknesses and trials are with you every day and his power is made more mature through each one! 2 Corinthians 12:9,10

When everything has gone bad…laugh.

My sister-in-law sent me this one, and I haven’t laughed this hard from an email joke in a long time!

FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background  checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two  men and a woman.    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal  door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your  instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will  find your wife sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”     The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your  wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and  went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out  with tears in his eyes, ” I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”  The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go  home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instruction,  to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were  heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the  walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “The gun is loaded with blanks,” she said, “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Moral:  Women are tough.  Don’t mess with them.

You won’t believe this video!

I have a friend who saw one of these videos on Youtube and actually ended up using the weirdness as a great illustration in a sermon he gave.

Makes you think twice before ingesting Diet Coke and Mentos at the same time ever again, not that anyone would have done this to begin with, but I would love to know who in the world discovered this amazing trick!

Does having kids mean you’re truly married?

What does it mean to truly be married? Does it mean that you’re living together? Does it mean that you’re having sexual relations? Does it mean that you share a bank account?

Terry Frank (Frankly Speaking) recently wrote a post where she proposed an interesting theory of marriage:

The fullness of marriage is not achieved with the swapping of rings and the symbolic kiss, but rather when the union results in the bearing of a child. No matter how scientific and modern we become, producing children still requires the unique union of man and woman.

Kat Coble (Just Another Pretty Farce) seems to disagree with Terry and makes no bones about it (the title of Kat’s post is: Bite Me, Terry Frank, You Humongous Bigot):

But, lady, I am as married as married gets. WE ARE A FAMILY. The very Bible in which I believe and you purport to believe says that marriage is a model for Christ and the Church. (It’s all over Ephesians, which is in the New Testament, which is in the back half, in case you’re not sure where to find it.) Man is to love his wife enough to die for her. Woman is to love her husband totally and serve him gladly in partnership. It serves as a microcosmic model of Christ’s sacrificial relationship with mankind. Nowhere in Ephesians or the Gospels or any other back-half books does God say that a marriage requires children to be a marriage. Children are a blessing but not a necessity.

I’m not sure I would take as extreme a view as Kat does against Terry’s thoughts simply because I don’t believe Terry meant it the way it comes across in the post. If you look at the entire post, it’s really about trying to define heterosexual marriage as compared to homosexual marriage (which is a huge debate in many states currently). Obviously homosexual marriages would be unable to have children together in the traditional heterosexual way.

But I can imagine how hurtful Terry’s comments would be to someone (more importantly a couple) that has had difficulty getting pregnant and then read someone say that real marriages have babies.

The most important parenting advice you’ll ever read

The greatest thing any parent can do for their child is love their mate.  Your child will thrive, no matter what, if you and your spouse love each other well.  When your spousal relationship is clicking on all cylinders, your child’s life will be clicking on all cylinders.

I’m a counselor and pastor, and in my 12 years of experience, most kids who are stressed out, and acting out, are doing so in response to their parent’s marriage.  Not 100% of the time, but the majority of kids who are having anger issues (which for most young boys, anger is simply a sign of depression) their home life stinks.

When mom and dad are angry at each other, their children will be angry as well.

The Happy Husband had a comment he felt, and I do as well, was good, kind, and wise and it speaks eloquently to this issue:

I’m writing about this because I received some unsolicited advice from a long-time reader recently. I usually resent it when people presume to tell me how to be a good husband, but this message seemed full of concern, kindness, and hard-earned wisdom (she is the mother of four, and the first three came within 36 months of each other):

Babies can fill your life in a wonderful way, but please guard your marriage more than ever as you become consumed with wonder over the new lives God is entrusting to you. Your wife needs your love and thoughtful care and concern more than ever at this time-I know because I was pregnant once while caring for a one year old and once while caring for a baby and a two year old. Help her as much as you reasonably can and put her needs (especially for sleep) ahead of your needs for other things. She will be better able to meet your needs if you do this. Pamper her when you can. Now and then, instead of taking care of the baby for her, arrange for somebody else to take care of the baby (at their house) and bring home her favorite take-out and a great movie and give her an I-love-you-and-I-don’t-expect-anything-from-you backrub. Babies take a lot out of their moms physically (both before and after they are born). The more you care for her physical needs (read: sleep), the more she can care for yours. That’s the best advice I can give you. Like you wanted it. I just so remember how I felt and what I needed, I want your wife to get the advantages of our hindsight.

I tell clients all the time that you’ll never lose when you do the right thing.  Love to the best of your ability and people will respond, especially your spouse and children.

What color is your spiritual life?

Good morning, I’m just ending my treadmill walk and here is my daily insight.

If you look at your life and rank it against scripture, I have been wondering what color it would be.  I see dark blue as mostly a self-centered life and bright light yellow as a life lived in submission to Christ’s spirit living within us.  The color red would be in the middle indicating the blood of Christ being shed for our sin of avoiding Christ and doing our own thing in life.  So, the color of maturity in Christ would be bright light yellow fading to dark blue as we turn away and seek our own will and activities.

Rejoicing in the middle of trials

Someone wrote me today and expressed the need to keep learning about how to rejoice in the middle of painful trials.

She wrote:  “Can you imagine God telling us to be joyful during painful times……. I can’t wrap my brain around that at all.  I do believe Him and I am hoping to see someone doing this very thing so that I can learn it better.”

She is referring to James 1:2-5 and I believe that section is asking us to “count the joy we will have before we have it or starting thinking about all of the joy that will result from this trial.”

This is my own hope.  I love practicing God’s word and watching it work in my life.  For the past several months, I have been going through one big trial after another, like most people.  I’m getting so used to feeling pain and lifting my painful experiences up in honor.  I want to glory in my trials because not only does his word tell us to do that, but because I know that his power grows within me with each painful blow.  Romans 5:3-5

Just yesterday, I had a new physical diagnosis from a doctor who said that maybe my anti-rejection meds contributed to this new disease.  I knew there would be side effects to all of the kidney meds I take.  But this new one is painful and makes sleeping even more difficult.  Shingles.  Back pain, sensitive skin and very large blisters.  Try sitting at a computer on these big rascals.  But again, in the midst of this new pain, I seem to have enough inner power from God to endure and gratefulness knowing that his power is being matured within me.  These are supposed to last about four weeks and I want to gain every bit of power and Godly character I can get from it.

There is the temptation to pray for relief and healing, but a quiet assurance that good is coming from it even as I write this.  I went to Google.com and found out that a certain over the counter med may heal it in five days.  Do I only want five days of pain or let it have it’s full course?  James 1:2-5

Even if I order this new med, it will take five or more days to get it.  I can also take pain pills to reduce the severity.  What to do?

I’ll try and let the “peace of God within me rule my decision.”  Col. 3:15

Very interesting questions to ask God, right?  But whatever we do during pain, we can know assuredly that he is growing within us.

Is Halloween bad for a Christian child - the poll

The Christian debate on Halloween can be intense.  So I want to know what my readers think about this holiday.  Every vote counts and there is no way for a hanging chad or any other kind of mistake.

Is Halloween bad for a Christian child?

take the poll

How’s that for a title! I’m often shocked by the heated debate raised on whether Christian parents should allow their children to participate in Halloween activities. I was reading a post this morning from Heather Craven (Blogging Baby again) that spoke about how much the average parent is spending on Halloween costumes and it got me thinking about Halloween in general:

As a single mother of three, I am always trying to cut corners when it comes to spending. Sure, I’d love to shop ’til I drop for all of the holidays -big and small, but the reality is that it is just not an option. So when I ran across a link about many parents spending anywhere from $40 to $100 for their children’s costumes, I was shocked.

I’m not going to stick my head out there quite yet, but I’m wondering what you all think about Halloween. Should you let your children participate? Or should you ban the festivities for a “Fall Festival” at church? (I’m not knocking church Fall Festivals, I usually take my kids to both events, a church event that is totally fun [or I wouldn't take them] and our neighborhood event.)

Leave your comments…

OK, I’ll put in my two-cents worth. I don’t have a problem letting my children participate in trick-or-treating in my neighborhood. There’s not a holiday we celebrate that wasn’t once something totally different. Do I tell my children that they are celebrating Satan or witchcraft? No. Good grief, as a parent, I can set the meaning for lots of holidays, and frankly, that’s my job. What does Christmas mean to my children? Is it simply a time for receiving gifts? No. I have to set the tone and meaning of holidays, and that includes Halloween. All my kids worry about on Halloween is what they are going to be wearing and how much candy they can score in the evening.

take the poll

Teachable moments: taking the bad things in life and turning them in to lessons

Teachable moments are perhaps the greatest way to help your children grow in to loving, responsible adults.  I was reading a post on “Blogging Baby” by Jenifer Sharpen who wrote:

I read a story in the local paper today about the fallout from a high school party last October. The condensed version is that there was a party, lots of kids showed up, and many kids were drinking and smoking. Some of the kids there were boys who played school sports, some were girls from the cheerleading squad, and one had a camera and a My Space account. Five of the cheerleaders wore costumes to the party that looked like lingerie, and photos of them ended up on a My Space page.

Whether you’re at the movies, reading the paper, watching the news, or catching your child in a “bad” act, use those moments as teachable moments.  Don’t ruin your chance by yelling, belittling, or basically losing control.  The moment is gone when we sin.

But rather take a chance to step back and help your child learn through the situation.  I especially like going to movies with my children and then asking relevant questions brought up through the movie afterwards.

The perfect wedding gift

You have a special person in your life that is getting married.  What is the perfect gift?  One suggestion is to head on over to Our One Heart (a nice blog for finding great wedding ideas and gifts) by Christine Gooding.

The only big thing I’d add to Christine’s extensive list is a One-day Premarital training seminar offered by the Smalley Marriage and Family Center (that would be my center) located in The Woodlands, Texas.

Did you know:

• Premarital training can cut your chances of divorce in half
• Couples will spend an average of $19,000 on their wedding day and none of that money is spend on learning how to love each other and stay happily married
• Premarital training will increase your overall satisfaction in the relationship
• 98% of couples who’ve experience a premarital training course would recommend it to another couple

Why do your best intentions to love go completely wrong?

You’re running late, again, and you stop by the store to pick up some flowers and a card.  Your heart says, “Dang it…you’ve done it again.  Now go and make up for it you big knucklehead!”  So you rush to the store and purchase some flowers and a card.

When you get home and hand over the good to say you are sorry, it doesn’t work, and in fact, you get in trouble.  So instead of making things better you’ve now managed to make things worse.  What went wrong?

I was reading a post by “Dating Dames: The next best thing to a dating instruction manual. Your burning love questions answered by Gayla McCord and Sasha Manuel” and I have to say these ladies got skill when it comes to one of the most important relationship principles I know, the million dollar question:

I heard it said before that men do stress over knowing what their girlfriends want. Oftentimes, they’d assume certain expectations that could possibly harm the state of the relationship. They’d beat themselves up for being inadequate without the knowledge of their partner and, meanwhile, the other is wondering about his sincerity, or worse, his honesty.

I guess this brings us to the issue of proper communication between two people in the relationship. If one refuses to ask a question just because of a certain fear, then both will remain in the dark.

The easiest way to repair the hurt you’ve caused someone is to simply ask the question, “What can I do for you to make up for this?”  Flowers and a card might actually be offensive.  What’s sad, is that your intentions are wonderful.  You want to apologize, you want to say I love you, you want to make things right, but your method can often be messed up.

What I’m saying, is that your heart’s desire will be met as long as you ask that special someone what she (or he) needs from you.  Don’t assume that you know, in fact, assume that you don’t know and ask the question.

Which is worse the NBA or NFL?

Here’s an email I received from a friend. I’m passing it on, you can decide

NBA OR NFL?

36
Have been accused of spousal abuse

7
Have been arrested for fraud

19
Have been accused of writing bad checks

117
Have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3
Have done time for assault

71,
Repeat
71 cannot
Get a credit card due to bad credit

14
Have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
Have been arrested for shoplifting

21
Currently
Are defendants in lawsuits, and

84
Have been arrested for drunk driving
In
The last year

Can
You guess which organization this is?

NBA or NFL ?

Give
Up yet? . . . Scroll down,

Neither,
it’s the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The
Same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

AND THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES $15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE AFTER SERVING ONLY ONE TERM IN CONGRESS!

There is no greater gift from a child than this

I want to be a good father.  I want to love my children.  I want to make the right decisions and treat them in a way that highlights how much I love them and how valuable they are to me.

But I blow it all the time.  I yell, get impatient, controlling, critical (learned that one from my dad), and unkind.  All the things I don’t want to do, but I do them all the time, at least, that is what I can feel like sometimes.

When I need to be affirmed as a parent, when I feel the most discouraged, I truly believe that God sends me a hug.  It’s not always in the same form, it could be something kind said by a stranger or friend, it could be an affirming word from my wife, or it could be something special from my children (the best one of all).

Last week my season as a head football coach came to an end.  I’ll never be a head coach again, that I can promise.  I believe the mug I received from the parents says it best, “Please - Don’t ever let me volunteer again”.  I loved the kids but hated the fact I didn’t know how to make them better football players.  We ended the season 2-7, and I know it’s not about winning, but with me, it’s about winning.  I’ve never had a losing season in my life, it was humbling, and I know there’s a lesson somewhere, but I haven’t found it yet.

Wednesday we had the final party where I handed out the trophies and talked about each kid.  I was so proud of my son, he played through losing a fingernail, the chicken-pox (we didn’t know the rash on his face meant chicken pox, we really didn’t), and countless hard hits.  Cole was a whopping 67 pounds and went up against kids ranging from 120 pounds to over 200 pounds!  He was a total stud and did everything I asked him to do.

This week I needed a hug.  I can’t get into all the reason, but I needed something special, something positive to let me know I’m not a total failure at everything.  The hug came in an email from my son Cole (my first email from him, he’s just learning how):

Hi dad I thank you for a great football season. I had a great time.  Thanks for taking time to teach how to play football. I thank you for trying to play me at running back and QB. I enjoyed you trying to putting me at different places. The place I liked the most was when you put me at defense of end. Again I thank you for playing football with me.

Your Son,

Cole

Cole is only 10 yrs old and he took the time to appreciate what I had done for him.  I wept, of course, when I read his email and shot straight upstairs to kiss and thank him.  There’s nothing more special or precious than your child acknowledging your work and dedication to them.

Thanks God, for making this moment happen.  I know it had nothing to do with me.

Coping with stress: a spiritual view

Let me start by saying that this entry is probably more for me than for those reading it. It’s been one of those very stressful weeks and the idea that I might be losing my mind has crept in a time or two.

I am not a stranger to stress. In fact you could say that I know it well. We live in a very fast paced, busy society that rarely allows us time to breathe. As a woman that often tends to be intensified by the fact that we have to multi-task every minute of the day. In all honesty, coping with stress is still a battle for me. I have a personality that does everything 150%, so it’s easy to get overwhelmed and overburdened. I’ve heard all the cliches: “don’t sweat the small stuff”, “pick your battles”, “keep the little things little”, and so on… But what I think it really comes down to is your walk with God.

Scripture speaks often on worry. Some examples:

Come to me all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving send your requests to God . And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7

Worrying is a big no-no with God, because we are to trust in Him. He doesn’t want us to be concerned about even the little things, because even the little things concern Him and are His problem. He wants us to have perfect peace.

Statistics have shown what stress and worry do to us. There are both physical and emotional side effects. We need to learn to let it go and let our Father take control. Is it easier said than done? Absolutely! Although it shouldn’t be.

So, what steps should we take when we start to feel like we’re sinking? Well, I think there are a few:

First, stop and pray. Take a few minutes to offer up whatever is stressing you out. Ask God to deal with it.

Second, meditate on the scriptures that bring you peace. There are so many to choose from.

Thirdly, get with someone you trust will use wisdom to help you through the trial. While we all need to vent, we can’t turn it into complaining and grumbling. That changes nothing. It’s great to have a prayer partner or someone you know will pray with you and for you.

Lastly, take a break. Sometimes we need to just remove ourselves for a bit to catch our breath. Take a walk, get some exercise, have a great meal or plan a short getaway.

We just need to remember that our Father grieves to see us hurting, stressed and worried. He came to give us joy and that joy more abundantly. We need to let Him do it!

Venting to God

King David is most noted in the Psalms for his laments. The lament has 3 parts: I am hurting. The enemy is winning. And You (God) do not seem to care.

Listen to the pain David shares with God in this lament psalm: “Deliver me from my enemies, O God; protect me from those who rise up against me. Deliver me from evildoers and save me from bloodthirsty men…rouse yourself to punish all the nations…But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble” (Psalm 59).

David honestly shares his anguish over this horrific plight. However, in the end, turns to God with a confession of trust. When bad things happen to us, our first emotion is not going to be joy. Yet, it is our goal.

Countless times in Scripture we read where people felt disconnected from God. Through wars, seemingly aimless wandering, and death, characters in Scripture would wrestle with some strong emotion. Can God handle a lament from David, venting from Job and a heated debate with Moses? Yes! Can he handle it from you and me? Yes!

Bitterness is allowing anger to take root in your life. Bitterness chooses to stay angry. David, Job, and Moses all shared their frustrations in a vulnerable way. However, in the end, their hearts were turned toward God.

Honesty is a key ingredient for healthy relationships. Yet, too many times we live with negative beliefs about God and others, and rather than expressing them we hold them in. Kept inside, anger can translate into bitterness. It destroys relationships.

I meet people all the time who have given up on God and the church. Due to poor theology and leadership, some of these individuals have become cold and bitter towards the church and a relationship with Christ. I simply tell them that they need to start there. They need to express to God where they have been hurt, confused and disillusioned. But from there, they need to be open to getting some answers. Some real answers.
My relationship with God starts and grows through brutal honesty about who I am and what I am feeling. And God is big enough to handle my venting.

Has marriage lost its meaning

Maybe you don’t need to get married anymore. It’s just a piece of paper, right? What could a marriage ceremony really do to change how much you care for each other? The world has developed a negative belief about marriage because so many people (usually when they were kids) got burned by divorce. So if divorce hurts so much then maybe marriage isn’t the best decision for a couple.

I do believe the marriage ceremony should adapt and change, get more creative, more meaningful for our time and our culture. I would love to hear creative ideas from couples on what they would do completely different than a traditional marriage.

However, this does not mean I believe that marriage should be eliminated. Susan Tabbert wrote an excellent post titled, “Are you auditioning for the role of the spouse? Why cohabitation doesn’t work“, and Susan is correct. Cohabitation has proven unsuccessful for couples because marriage does mean something. It’s a powerful, spiritual, and legal experience that creates a bond and intimate connection like no other kind of relationship can accomplish.

The things people will go through, however, simply make me laugh.  Read what a woman in Scotland did to avoid getting married:

Although Helen McCarthy refused to marry Steve Jukes, she had his surname tattooed round her wedding ring finger as a mark of commitment. “If I was married, I could take off my ring on a night out with the girls, but this will be permanent,” she told him.

So what does this woman do if their “relationship” doesn’t work out?  That tattoo seems more serious to me than signing a piece of paper.

Divorce ceremonies - what will people think of next?

I thought I misunderstood what the news caster was saying on Fox News the other day.  But after watching the story, that is exactly what is starting to happen in our country today.  Couples who no longer want to be married can now opt for a divorce ceremony from Churches.

I personally don’t like this trend.  Marriage has already lost much of its integrity, importance, and seriousness.  Divorce ceremonies only degragate marriage further.  Some of the rationale, it seems, behind divorce ceremonies is to give the couple a good chance at closure, here is one of the lines from a script used at a divorce ceremony:

“Minister: After much effort, pain and anger …… and …… have decided that they no longer wish to be husband and wife. They still wish to be friends and to respect each other and to care about each other. They are now and will continue to be responsible parents of their children. . .”

Frankly, if they can learn to “respect” and “care” for each other after divorce, why can’t they learn it while married.  Research is pouring in about the devastation divorce causes the home.  I’m so confident about the negative effects of divorce that when I’m faced with someone who’s debating the question of staying in their marriage, I can confidently say, don’t divorce, it will be harder if you leave than it would staying and working out your differences.

If you’re contemplating divorce, please hear me.  There is hope!  There is a chance!  Things can change!  We now know what it takes to have a great marriage, which is what you want.  You’re going to have to change your behavior, either now with this marriage, or later with a second marriage.  If you don’t, then you’ll divorce again!  So why not try and save your current marriage?

We have a program in here in The Woodlands, Texas, called Marriage Restoration Retreats, that is highly successful in keeping couples in crisis together, check it out and refer it on to a friend.

The gift of life - the joy of being a living donor

Almost three years ago on November 18th I was given the opportunity to donate one of my kidneys to my father so he could avoid dialisis (and stay alive).  There are now more than 90,000 people waiting for a donor in the United States alone, and this is compared to 40,000 people back in 1995.

USA Today did a phenomenal piece on organ donation.  I want to pass on some of this information to you because people need your help.  It may not be your father, but I can promise you, that giving the gift of life to someone is life changing.

Q&A: Deceased donors

• Who’s qualified? Anyone. But those younger than 18 must have a guardian’s consent.
• How do I make it happen? Tell your family and loved ones of your decision to ensure that they understand your wishes to be an organ and tissue donor. Check out www.donatelife.net to review your state’s requirements.
• What can I donate? Tissue such as cornea, bone marrow, skin, connective tissue and heart valves. Organs, including kidney, heart, pancreas, intestine, lung and liver.
• What will it cost my family? Nothing.

Q&A: Live donors

• How can I become a live organ donor? Who is qualified? People ages 18-60. A donor must have a blood type compatible with the recipient and be in good health.
• Can I donate an organ to only someone I know? No. Live donors can participate in related, non-related, non-directed (a stranger-to-stranger donation) and a paired donation (donor/recipients are swapped to match blood types).
• What can I donate? Kidney, liver (a portion, which can regenerate), lobe of a lung (does not regenerate), intestine (a portion, though it’s a very rare procedure) and pancreas (a portion, but it does not regenerate).
• What are the costs? The recipient’s insurance pays for the donation surgery. The fee also covers medical costs related to the donation procedure and required postoperative care.

Did you know?

• Transplantation as a clinical treatment began in the second half of the 20th century. But the first successful procedure, a cornea transplant, took place in 1905 in what is now the Czech Republic.
• The first successful kidney transplant was performed in 1954 at the Peter Bent Brigham Hospital in Boston. Richard Herrick, dying of kidney disease, was the recipient of the kidney of his twin brother, Ronald. Richard, 23 at the time, married his nurse, had two children and lived for eight more years. Ronald is still alive today.
• About 4,000 patients are added to the national organ transplant waiting list each month. More than 93,000 U.S. patients are waiting for a transplant as of Tuesday.
• 18 people die each day in the USA waiting for a vital organ or tissue transplant.
• Every 12 minutes, another person is added to the national waiting list.
• About 5% of those awaiting liver transplants are younger than 18.
• The lives of up to 50 people can be either saved or enhanced by a single organ and tissue donor.

USA TODAY research by Victoria Shapiro

Hiding God’s word in your heart - verses to meditate on daily

[Editors note] My father has impacted millions of people to have healthier more satisfied relationships and he has accomplished this through true inspiration (from God) and I have to say that these verses and his desire for people to truly burn God’s word on their heart is fabulous. - Michael

Ephesians 3:16-20
I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner (unlimited) strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.

1 John 5:11-13
And this is what God has testified: He has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. So whoever has God’s Son has life; whoever does not have his Son does not have life. I write this to you who believe in the Son of God, so that you may know you have eternal life.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (New International Version)
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Proverbs 23:7
For as he thinks within himself, so he is.

Galatians 6:7 (New American Standard Bible)
Don’t be misled. Remember that you can’t ignore God and get away with it. You will always reap what you sow!

James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

Philippians 4:8-9
And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned from me and heard from me and saw me doing, and the God of peace will be with you.

Ephesians 4:29
Don’t use foul or abusive (dishonoring) language. Let everything you say be good and helpful (honoring), so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

James 3:2
We all make many mistakes, but those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way.

Romans 5:3-5
We can rejoice (boast, exalt), too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us–they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

James 1:2-4
Dear brothers and sisters,[1] whenever trouble comes your way, start thinking about all of the joy you will soon receive. 3For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character an ready for anything. (Boast about your trials because Christ is perfecting his character, power and love within you through each trial)

2 Corinthians 12;9-10
Each time he said, “My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” (Just imagine that Christ’s power is perfected in your through your weaknesses) So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Colossians 3:16-17 (New American Standard Bible)
Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Romans 12:10 (New American Standard Bible)
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;

James 4:6-7 (New American Standard Bible)
But He gives a greater grace Therefore it says, “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.” Submit therefore to God Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

Do your words harm or heal?

Proverbs 12:18 says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

There are many verses in the book of Proverbs that deal with the way we speak to each other and with good reason. Words are a very powerful thing. They truly bring harm or good; life or death. While we should always be open and honest with each other, presentation is everything. It’s important to communicate, but that doesn’t give us the right to say whatever comes into our minds. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to blurt out what we’re thinking. But the wrong words can bring pain that will last a long time– perhaps a lifetime. Choosing our words carefully is imperative.

I’ve done a lot of research on communication and found several things that are really important. First of all, it’s not just WHAT you say but the WAY you say it. You can tell a lot just from the body language or the tone of voice you use. If you’re rolling your eyes or pointing your finger in anger, the sweetest of words won’t amount to a hill of beans. If your tone is condescending or sarcastic, you can’t be taken seriously. My husband used to say that even when I tried to speak calmly and purposefully to him, I still possessed a tone that made him feel like I was lecturing him. I never realized it, but I had to make a conscious point to try to hear it for myself. After 21 years of marriage, I still have to be careful to hear MYSELF as I speak to him.

A fight is never a good time to get it all out in the open. Sometimes it’s best to take five and come back when you’re calm and can speak reasonably. When you’re at odds, find the best time and place to settle your differences without harsh words. You can’t take them back once they’re out of your mouth and then begins the snowball effect of building resentment, hurt and a wall that separates you.

Speaking the right words doesn’t just apply to conflict resolution. We often forget to bring words of encouragement and praise to each other. Remembering to say things like “thank you”, or “I appreciate you”, can help build your spouse and the bond you share.

Someone gave me a plaque for my son’s room when he was born. It is a poem called “A Child Learns…”. Several of the lines in this poem apply directly to the words we speak to each other. And although it’s written for a child, I feel it is equally appropriate for every one of us.

“If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.”

“If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.”

“If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.”

“If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.”

Take the time to choose your words. You’ll see amazing fruit.

Eight Daily Steps to Ignite Your Inner Power and Fulfillment

1. You can have unlimited power, love, fulfillment and life when Christ’s Spirit lives inside of you. (Eph. 3:16 – 20, I John 5:11-13) How can you use this power?
2. You can take every one of your thoughts (beliefs, dreams, ideas, and imaginations) captive to the obedience of Christ. (II Corinthians 10:5) Why take your thoughts captive?
3. Because, as men or women think in their heart, so are they. (Proverbs 23:7)
4. Whatever men or women sow in their mind, so shall they reap. (Gal 6:7)
5. One of the greatest truths in life: It’s not what happens to you (your past, present or future circumstances) or what people do or say to you that cause your emotions, words or actions. It’s what you think about after things happen to you!  Allow me to expand this idea just a little.  Since learning this powerful concept, I now realize that what I think about all day long, day after day eventually reaches my heart as a belief.  It’s BELIEFs that control my actions, words and thoughts.  I get to discover what beliefs I have in my heart everyday by watching what I say and do or think and I trace my actions to my beliefs stored in my heart.  If I don’t like my actions, I just work on my own beliefs. I find a scripture verse(s) and start memorizing a the verse or verses that counter a negative or false belief and when these new verses reach my heart after I’ve thought about them (or meditated on them all day long)over and over again, day after day, I know they have reached my heart when my behavior starts changing naturally.  I love this new freedom to manage my own life’s actions and thoughts and emotions.  Is this not great?   Others or circumstances no longer control me, I get to control myself through changing my own beliefs. 
6. You can literally keep your mouth shut before you speak and conform your thoughts, words and actions to “The Big Eight” standard. (James 1:19, Phil 4:8, 9) (True, honorable, right, pure, beautiful, adorable, excellent and praise worthy.) Number 6 is the most life changing!
7. The words coming out of your mouth can be honorable not unwholesome. And if you control your words, you can control everything in your body. (Ephesians 4:29, James 3:2)
8. Finally, when you experience trials or you have weaknesses, you can actually boast (exalt, glory, honor) about your trials and start thinking about how much joy you will soon have because your trials and weaknesses bring more love, character and maturity. (Romans 5:3 – 5, James 1:2 – 4, II Corinthians 12: 9,10)

Five Steps to harmony with others

1. Listen to only the feelings and needs of the person(s) who disagrees with you. Ask for word pictures to explain what they are saying, ask for them to use different words or repeat it in different ways until you think you understand what they are saying. Learn to value what they are saying without any judgment or criticism.
2. To gain deeper and more complete understanding of what they have said to you, repeat back to them what you think they have been saying to you, especially their emotions and needs. You can use word pictures to explain what you think they said or different words than they used. The main idea here is that you continue understanding what they are saying emotionally. Again, do not condemn or judge them in any way. Just because you disagree with them doesn’t mean you will have to do things their way. The final solution to your disagreement will be something you love.
3. Trade places in communicating until you better understand each other. Ask the other person(s) to listen to you until they completely understand your feelings and needs. Now you are ready to gain harmony and agreement on some solutions to solve the argument.
4. After understanding has been achieved by both or all persons, start “brainstorming” solutions. The wilder the ideas the better. Keep thinking of ideas until one of them hits both of you as the best solution. You are both on the same team, so you must both love the solution to have the best winner relationship.
5. Try the solution for awhile and if it works keep it. Otherwise, keep trying different solutions until the solution works for both of you and you both love it.

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