Why do men lie to women?
November 30, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 2 Comments
I was recently reading an interesting post by Gayla McCord on the 10 Lies Men Tell, and it got me thinking about why men tell lies to begin with. It’s an important question. I know you want to be able to identify if a man is lying to you, but even more important, is that you want to know why would a man want to lie in the first place? That is the question you want to answer.
And I might have a few thoughts on it, if you’re interested that is 
There are several reasons why a man might feel the need to lie to a woman:
- He’s feeling like a failure
- He’s feeling guilty (which also might make him feel like a failure)
- He’s feeling attacked and that he’s going to “lose” an argument
- He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so he’s wanting to protect your feelings (which is really pretty stupid, because in the end, he really just hurt your feelings anyway, but at least he tried)
There might be other legitimate reasons why men lie (I’ve read other posts and articles that say men lie because they want sex, and this is true, but if you’re with one of those types of men, then you’re with a total loser and should you leave him immediately! Real men don’t lie to get sex from women.)
Real men lie, don’t get me wrong. Real people lie, cheat, steal, hurt, yell, avoid, and basically sin, but real men do not take advantage of women on purpose, they do that on accident.
Making the most of the Christmas season
November 30, 2006 by Kirsten Wakie · 1 Comment
It’s here again…Christmas. One of my most favorite times of the year. It’s a great time, but it doesn’t come without challenges. I thought I’d tackle some of them in the next few posts!
Part One-Keeping Christ in Christmas
The American Family Association (www.afa.net) is asking Christians to take a stand against those who want to take Christ out of Christmas and turn “Merry Christmas” into “Happy Holidays”. They’ve made buttons and car magnets that say “Merry Christmas-it’s worth saying.” It seems that every year there are those that try to find new ways to nullify the real reason we celebrate December 25th. Some stores are forbidding their employees to say “Merry Christmas”, and it’s getting harder and harder to find anything that talks about the birth of Christ. I realize that there are many different faiths that celebrate at this time of year, so saying “Happy Holidays” is not a bad thing. But if we’re saying it to push aside or hide Jesus’ birth, we’re in trouble.
This season is one of hope and giving; something that can be easily forgotten the rest of the year. In a world where war, violence, sickness and hatred run rampant, many are lost, hurting and hopeless. This world is in desperate need of a Savior. Christmas is the time we celebrate God’s greatest gift to us, His Son. That gift is our salvation and gives us the hope so desperately needed. Look at the promises of Scripture: Isaiah 9:6– “For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given, and the government will be upon His shoulders. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Luke 2:9 “And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them (the shepherds) and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David, A Savior who Is Christ the Lord.’” Our hope is in that little baby that grew up to die for us so we could have joy, peace, hope and eternity with Him.
The Christmas celebration has many elements. We decorate trees, hang wreaths and lights and exchange gifts. Each of those things has a very special meaning. The tree, because it is evergreen, can represent the everlasting love of God. The wreath can represent that same love because it is a circle and has no beginning or end. The lights and candles represent Jesus being the light of the world. And the gifts, (and yes, even Santa) represent the spirit of giving. God gave us the most treasured gift and we give to each other in love.
When our children were young, we started a wonderful family tradition. On Christmas morning, we gathered at our kitchen table and would light a candle. We sang “Happy Birthday” to Jesus and said a prayer before even one gift was opened. Our children knew that Jesus was the real reason to celebrate and we came to value that tradition more than words can say.
This Christmas, keep your focus on that little baby in the manger. And try to let the world know that “Jesus IS the reason for the season!”
What your woman wants for Christmas
November 30, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 1 Comment
It’s your most favorite time of the year! Now that Black Friday is behind us, oh, you don’t know what Black Friday is gentleman. Let me enlighten you:
Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving in the United States, marks the beginning of the traditional Christmas shopping season, although retailers often decorate for the Christmas season weeks before-hand. Many retailers open very early (typically 5 A.M.) and offer doorbuster deals to draw people to their stores. Although Black Friday has served as the unofficial beginning of the Christmas season for decades, the term has been traced back only to the 1970s and did not achieve widespread popularity until about 2002.
Black Friday is frequently but erroneously referred to in the media as the busiest retail shopping day of the year. In actuality, the busiest retail shopping day of the year in the United States invariably is in the week before Christmas, usually the Saturday before Christmas.[1] Black Friday is usually the fifth to tenth busiest day.[2] Some have argued that Black Friday is typically the busiest shopping day of the year in terms of customer traffic (as indicated by full parking lots, massive lines, stores letting only a set amount of people in at a time, and people fighting over products), as opposed to sales volume, but reliable statistics on customer traffic do not appear to be available. (wikipedia.org)
Can I just take a moment and say that our country has a serious shopping problem. I mean, when wikipedia.org devotes energy in developing a wiki on a stinking phrase used for a day on spending too much time on spending way too much money, we have a problem.
Anyway, if you’d like to know what that lovely wife of yours wants this holiday season, then you’ve come to the right place. Have no fear the relationship guy is here! I’ve scoured the web for you to find all the right items that special woman is going to want this Christmas and I’m even going to include links so you don’t have to spend any time in line. Here are some good general sites to visit for all around shopping experiences:
- AOL shopping provides many different options from jewels to clothes to shoes to gift baskets.
- Froogle.com is a great site if you know exactly what you want to get your wife and you want to find the best deal.
- MySimon.com is another site similar to Froogle.com and is also helpful in finding a great price. It is different than froogle.com though, because it can also help you out more if you don’t have a clue on what you want to get her
- I’ve used Gifts.com several years and always had a good experience with them. They typically have creative choices and you can get good mileage with those kinds of choices.
- Sephora is another creative place where you can get a gift basket of sorts that has lots of makeup and other items that we can’t quite pronounce
But these sites are meant to get you started on your journey this holiday season. Here’s the most important thing you’re going to read this post… What your woman really wants this Christmas is for you to KNOW her and to understand who and what she is about and what makes her tick.
So the best thing you could do would be to take your girl out on a special date in the next week or so and inquire about what would make this Christmas truly special. Let her know how valuable she is to you by getting to know her. Your gift this Christmas can send that message.
How long will Tom and Katie Last?
November 29, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
Do video games cause your child to be more violent?
November 29, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 1 Comment
A recent study by the Indiana University School of Medicine suggests that violent video games increases a child’s negative behavior, behaviors which mimic the video games themselves (hitting, punching, etc.).
This is every parents concern. Should I allow my child to play games in which shooting, hitting, or any kind of basic violence is a part of the game play?
CHICAGO (Reuters) - Teens who play violent video games show increased activity in areas of the brain linked to emotional arousal and decreased responses in regions that govern self-control, a study released on Tuesday found…
“Our study suggests that playing a certain type of violent video game may have different short-term effects on brain function than playing a nonviolent, but exciting, game,” said Dr. Vincent Mathews, a professor of radiology at Indiana University School of Medicine in Indianapolis and the study’s author.
All I can say is typical, typical, typical. Once again society is looking in all the wrong places. Do you really think that children who commit violent acts are children who had a video game problem at home? Why is this so hard for people to understand? It’s like no one wants to take personal responsibility for their children’s behavior.
If my child does something horrendous at school, then maybe I had some part in my child’s acting out. I can certainly believe the video game industry didn’t help my cause, but I certainly can’t point the finger at the video game, and I will tell you, that the video game is the least of my problems.
Kids who are violent have a home problem not a violent video game problem (or they have a mental illness problem and parents who do not understand their mental illness, which takes me back to a home problem).
Here’s my rule for my son and video games. I don’t like video games who dishonor people like gang banging one where there’s violence on the streets or pimps, prostitutes, sexual innuendos, disgusting things like that, but as far as blowing up aliens, or battling in World War scenarios, I don’t have a problem with that. He’s a loving kid who doesn’t show any sign of violence.
I actually wrote several posts on school violence that might be helpful if you’re afraid that your child or someone you know might be in trouble, you can check those out here and here.
Overeaters just can’t catch a break
November 28, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
So you eat yourself into a weight problem and 300 pounds later you’re under the knife undergoing gastric bypass surgery so you can lose the excess weight and get physically healthy again. It works, you lose the weight, but the problem is that the thing the surgeon fixed during the surgery wasn’t the problem.
It wasn’t a physical problem, it was an emotional problem, and the surgery did nothing to address the emotional reasons you were overeating:
New York Times Syndicate - November 27, 2006
Cox News Service WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — For an emerging number of weight-loss surgery patients, giving up comfort food means guzzling Southern Comfort.
Or hitting the mall instead of McDonald’s, even though creditors are calling.
Researchers call this behavioral shift “addiction transfer,” which means swapping one compulsive act, such as overeating, with another in an attempt to numb emotions or fill an inner void. And mental-health experts say that because bariatric procedures have become more common — and patients more candid — they’re seeing increased cases of alcoholism, obsessive shopping, gambling and promiscuity.
After the euphoria of rapid weight loss fades, a harsh reality appears: Life is still tough even if you can fit in an airplane seat.
“The problem is that many people who have surgery haven’t been in therapy to address the issues behind their eating disorder,” says Kathryn Friedman Sloan, a licensed mental-health counselor in Palm Beach Gardens. “Most of them are emotional eaters, and when you take that away, they’re left with ‘what do I do with my emotions?’?”
A growing number of these surgeries are taking place in America today. People are simply trading one addiction for another like shopping, smoking, drugs, or sex. If you’re one of those people, and I almost was, Gerald May wrote an excellent book that you must read and you must read it starting today (whenever you happen to read this post)
I know that food can sometimes feel as powerful of an addiction as any other known drug (cocaine, meth, heroin, you name it). Addictions of any kind are always a sign of longing, of a deeper hunger, an unquenchable something that needs to be fed.
Are you or a loved one depressed: discovering the signs of depression
November 28, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
The holidays are suppose to be fun, but for some, they can be..well, depressing. Divorce, the death of a loved one, or some other tragedy can be a reminder of why the holidays are not a celebration but rather a reminder of times they’d rather forget.
Here are some signs you can look for in yourself or someone you love that might signal a major swing toward depression (as found in wikipedia.org):
It is sufficient to have either of these symptoms in conjunction with five of a list of other symptoms over a two-week period. These include:
- Feelings of overwhelming sadness and/or fear, or the seeming inability to feel emotion (emptiness).
- A decrease in the amount of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, daily activities.
- Changing appetite and marked weight gain or loss.
- Disturbed sleep patterns, such as insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or excessive sleep (Hypersomnia).
- Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day.
- Fatigue, mental or physical, also loss of energy.
- Intense feelings of guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, isolation/loneliness and/or anxiety.
- Trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions or a generalized slowing and obtunding of cognition, including memory.
- Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), desire to just “lay down and die” or “stop breathing”, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
- Feeling and/or fear of being abandoned by those close to one.
Other symptoms often reported but not usually taken into account in diagnosis include:
- Self-loathing.
- A decrease in self-esteem.
- Inattention to personal hygiene.
- Sensitivity to noise.
- Physical aches and pains, and the belief these may be signs of serious illness.
- Fear of ‘going mad’.
- Change in perception of time.
- Periods of sobbing.
- Possible behavioral changes, such as aggression and/or irritability.
If you fear that you or a loved one might be suffering from depression, please call a local counselor or pastor for help. People are well trained to help you in your time of need. If you are in the Houston area, you can give my center, The Smalley Marriage and Family Center a call at (281) 466-8602.
Love the ones your with: why we like to copy the people we’re around
November 28, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
Have you ever wondered why you copy the people you’re around? For example, when ever I travel to a different region of the country, I always pick up the accent, and I mean, pick up the accent. It’s almost embarrassing. If I’m in Minnesota, every sentence ends with an up. If I’m in New York I can’t stop my self from cussing (just kidding…sort of). If I’m in the deep south, I can barely understand myself.
Psychology Today author, Torri Barco, gives us this explanation:
Why do we unconsciously adopt a Southern twang when visiting a friend in Alabama or make caustic remarks around an especially sarcastic co-worker? Because it makes them like us better.
We mimic the people around us all the time without even realizing it, says Tanya Chartrand, assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State University. Chartrand and John Bargh, professor of psychology at New York University, call this the “chameleon effect”—the natural tendency to imitate another person’s speech inflections and physical expressions.
In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Chartrand and Bargh asked 72 college students to sit down individually with an experimenter and discuss a set of photographs. With half the subjects, experimenters maintained a neutral, relaxed seated position. But they mimicked the posture, movements and mannerisms of the other subjects, crossing their legs or twirling their hair when subjects did. At the study’s end, students whose moves had been imitated rated their experimenters as more likable, and reported having had smoother interactions with them.
I didn’t realize how insecure I really was, and how much I wanted people to accept me when I traveled. I’m not sure how this will help you in your life, other than you don’t need to please people by acting like them, especially since, most of the time (if you’ve ever read any of my posts about parenting your kids and how you’re in conflict with the kid most like you), it’s the people (or child) most like us that irritate us the most!
The only thing you can do when you’re being mistreated
November 28, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
I am a counselor, which means that I get to work with people who are hurting, people who are being mistreated, people who are frustrated that their loved ones are not doing the right things in their relationships.
I am constantly asked this question, “What am I suppose to do?” Their spouse has committed an affair. Their spouse is saying hurtful things. Their spouse is lying. Their spouse is ___________. Fill it in.
I can imagine you have all sorts of things you could put in that blank. What do you do when life gets hard in a relationship?
Here is my most common response, “Do the right thing.” No matter what, we never have an excuse to not do the right thing. As long as we do the right thing, we’ll actually set ourselves up to experience healing, and it’s the kind of healing that really matters. Look at what Jesus told his disciples one afternoon:
3 “God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them. 4 God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5 God blesses those who are gentle and lowly, for the whole earth will belong to them. 6 God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for justice, for they will receive it in full. 7 God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. 9 God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. 10 God blesses those who are persecuted because they live for God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 11 “God blesses you when you are mocked and persecuted and lied about because you are my followers. 12 Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted, too.” (Matthew 5:3-12)
When we act in a way that blesses people (and at the same time this blesses God) things will turn out ok for us. I’m starting to cry writing this post because I’m thinking about a woman I counseled last fall who’s husband completely and totally devastated her life.
They came to me in crisis because one day he announced that he no longer loved his wife and wanted out of the marriage. This is nothing new for me, so it didn’t freak me out, but of course, it certainly hurt his wife. We met for a few weeks, things got better, but then the news of the affair leaked out (frankly because I’m not an idiot) and things got worse again, but then we put the pieces back together and things got much better, in fact, I truly believed they were going to make it. But what I hadn’t counted on was the fact that her husband was really just a Narcissist buying his time, if you don’t know what this personality disorder is, look it up, they are very self-centered, hurtful, evil, people that leave a wake of devastated relationships in their past.
Needless to say she was totally destroyed by this man who left her and two beautiful daughters. I spent several weeks answering the question, “Why?” and “What am I suppose to do about him?” Even thought what he did to her was evil, all I could answer was, “do the right thing.” She did, she moved, and is now a successful business woman making things work on her own and repairing her heart
Great news, the Saudi’s are helping out marriages…you won’t believe this one!
November 26, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
I want to be happy for them and I want to believe that they are truly wanting to help these marriages, but you have to read this and decide for yourself. It is taken from the Brunei Times, directly quoted:
A SAUDI civil organisation launched a program to provide young ladies with premarital awareness in an effort to stem the kingdom’s soaring divorce rate.
The programme, by the Jeddah-based Al-Shaqaiq Society, targets engaged or newly wed ladies to provide them with religious basics and rules on marriage, and teaches them about the relationship between Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his wives. (emphasis added)
It also teaches women who are about to get married some basic skills that help them fullfil their domestic duties during marriage, such as cooking, laundry, ironing, internal decorating, exercising and even hairdressing. The society also hires psychologists to conduct sessions on how to be responsible wives and how to face and solve marital problems. It also set up a hotline for women who wish to have free consultations about their private lives.
Some problems are simple and can be solved on the phone, said Almas Al Hijn, head of the society’s consultancy committee. Some problems are serious and callers are asked to visit the society to provide more information in person. In some cases, the psychologists transfer the patient top sychiatrists toreceive proper treatment.
The Shaqaiq Society says it solved 614 cases last year alone. Seventy four per cent of the cases were problems related to the relationship between mothers and children, Al-Hijn said, adding that 151 cases were deemed as psychological in nature, and a few were caused by the husbands betrayal to their wives.
We receive calls from girls who have emotional problems. Most of the problems are results of lack of principles in the persons life, she added.
I wish American women were so easy to “fix”. That’s about all I have to say on this subject. I think they will find out in a few years that they are not really helping at all, but maybe I’m being a tad too harsh. This is probably a step up from what women were getting a few years ago and we should be happy things are getting better.
Children find their faith
November 26, 2006 by Kirsten Wakie · 1 Comment
As Christian parents, we live by Proverbs 22. “Train up a child in the ways of the Lord, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” I believe and stand on that scripture wholeheartedly.
I believe God’s Word is truth and trust it with all my heart, but our children need to find it out for themselves. We cannot assume that raising them in church is enough. They have to personally accept Christ and decide to walk with Him on their own.
I have been amazed watching my children grow in their faith. My oldest son told us at 14 he believed he was called to ministry. He has always had a servant’s heart and has been involved in ministry in many areas since he was young. At 17, after a broken heart, he followed the way of the world for a while, abandoning that call on his life. Although he never left church and never really turned his back on God, he allowed himself to be drawn away. I prayed Proverbs 22 without ceasing and trusted God for my son. That Scripture was the cry of my heart for many months. God is faithful and my son realized his mistakes and turned his heart back to what God has called him to do. He’s now in Bible college studying for ministry. He had to make that decision on his own.
My youngest son also has a servant’s heart. He, too, has been involved in ministry for some time. But I’m now watching him grow like never before. The things of God are important to him. He talks to his friends about God and church and invites them to youth group. He has experienced for himself who God is and chooses to follow Him. He had to make that decision on his own.
As parents, it is our responsibility to raise our kids in the fear and admonition of the Lord. We are accountable before God for their lives. It is our job to lay the foundation, supply them with the values and point them in the right direction. We do that by raising them according to God’s Word, making sure they’re in church, and that they learn to serve God. We lead by example; we love them and nurture them. But there is a point where they become accountable for their own lives. We must trust that God’s Word does not come back void and that His promises are true, and we need to also allow our kids to discover God for themselves. If they learn to pray, read and seek Him, they will find Him.
You can bet that Tom and Katie won’t make it :-(
November 26, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
Although Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes jetted out of Rome for their honeymoon in the Maldives yesterday, accompanied by the best man, one online sports book is offering bets on how long the couple will stay together.
A representative from BetUs.com, Kevin Jones stated, “we have been getting heavy action that they won’t last two years.”
He also said, “gamblers can lay 6-5 odds on whether or not Tom Cruise and Katie Homes separate within 2 years.”
“Thus far the early money is against these two Hollywood icons lasting 24 months.”
Do you know the divorce rate of couples who pray together?
November 26, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
Do you know what the divorce rate is of couples who pray together? It’s about 1%! I recently ran a poll where I asked couples, “How often do you pray together as a couple a week (not including meals)” They were given the following options:
Never
1
2
3
4
5
We’re practically monks
Here’s the results of my poll:
- 69% responded that they never pray together outside of meals.
- 25% said they prayed together about once a week together.
- 6% said they prayed together three times a week together.
I’d suggest that we have a slight praying problem people. If couples who pray together have less than a 1% divorce rate (Barna research group stat), then we need to learn how to better pray together.
So instead of complaining that couples are not praying together very well, I’ll try and offer up some solutions for you
Here’s some good resources and suggestions for you to help kick start a good prayer life together:
I’ve actually met and interviewed Stormie several times and have to say that her two books are excellent. Amy and I have used them in our own small group and they are powerful but simple books to help get you started on a prayer journey in your marriage.
Visual deterrents to divorce: why you’ll save your marriage after seeing this!
November 26, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
I’m constantly fighting the good fight, saving marriages, hoping against all odds, working all night, praying fervently, and finally, I think I found what it will take to keep couples together. The ultimate weapon against divorce. The following pictures of Britney Spears who is going through her own divorce battle.
This is what you look like when your spouse freaks out during a divorce battle:
If you don’t want to look this way and you actually want to save your marriage, here are some creative ways you can save your marriage and avoid divorce:
- (it’s a book and easiest; but least likely) The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed Of
- (it’s not a counseling experience but more like an ER for your marriage; very effective in getting you back on track) A One-Day Marriage Saver (with me)
- (it’s not a counseling experience but more like an ER for your marriage in a group setting, very powerful and proven to save marriages) A Two-Day Marriage Restoration Retreat (probably not with me, but with trained experts taught by me)
Surviving the holidays: The blended family guide
November 25, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
You didn’t want to get divorced, but it happened, so now you have a stepfamily and you want to make the holiday season a time of healing, restoration, and probably, most importantly (especially to get the first to things started) fun.
How can you set up your new family to succeed this holiday season? It’s actually quite easy, take a look at these few ideas:
- Start making new family traditions: you don’t have to ditch the old ways, but things are different now, and you’d better embrace this and figure out ways to honor the new family. Traditions are an excellent way for families to bond, so this really is an important step for a new stepfamily.
- Make sure an honor your ex by swapping holidays. No one wins if you’re going to continue fighting long after the divorce. Come up with creative ideas to share the holiday season, if you can’t come up with a win, don’t get angry, talk with some mutual friends to help figure out a creative solution that is a win/win for both of you. I do this for a living and couples are always shocked when I’m able to come up with alternative solutions to conflicts they’ve had for months (and many times for years) just because I’m outside of their system.
- Make sure and communicate all plans to your ex-spouse, do not let any surprises happen or there will certainly be conflict during the holidays and that will hurt the holiday season for everyone.
- Think back to past holidays and remember what worked in the past and do that again ;) Sometimes that can be the simplest thing we can do is to continue doing what is already successful.
- Keep your expectations in check. It’s not that you can’t have expectations, but rather, it’s how are you going to respond to any unmet expecatations?
- Plan, plan, plan, plan, and plan. If you wait till the last minute as a stepfamily, the holiday season will be stressful. You don’t have the luxury of waiting. There are too many variables in your life to wait and you will set yourself up to get stressed out during this holiday season. Get your holiday plan in order well in advance and you will thank yourself and enjoy the holidays.
A holiday shopping guide for the family
November 25, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
This year my family is doing something radical! For the first time we’re putting an actual limit to the number of presents my wife and I will purchase for my children. I know what some of you are thinking, duhhhhhh, it’s called a budget, and we’ve done that before, but this year is completely different.
After taking our children to South Africa and into the villages outside of Johannesburg, we’ve realized how ridiculous it is that our family spends so much on ourselves during Christmas. So after visiting our sponsored daughter through World Vision, we decided as a family to only do 3 gifts per person this year. It’s still too much, frankly, but it’s certainly a start.
Each child is only getting three presents… what a concept!
The big finale for our family Christmas morning will be what we will be giving to someone else, our sponsored child and their village. We really want the focus to be on others and not on ourselves… I’ll let you know how that one goes.
The dirty tricks played during divorce
November 25, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
I was reading Forbes recently and an article by Richard C. Morais caught my eye titled Dirty Tricks: As soon as the divorce papers are served, the asset shuffling begins. I wanted you to see yet another reason divorce truly stinks.
Couples get into conflict for reasons they don’t understand. They think they’re fighting over the kids, finances, affairs, trash, and other pointless thing, but those aren’t the real reasons, so they figure they’ll get divorced so they can be happy and then they find out that divorce didn’t actually solve any of their problems (in fact, most of the time it only made things worse, like many of the couples found out in this Forbes article).
I’m encouraging you to read the rest of this article, I will post some of it here, but click on the link to read the rest, it’s worth understanding what you’re getting in to if you decide to divorce:
As soon as the divorce papers are served, the asset shuffling begins. It’s amazing what angry spouses try to do–and what they can get away with.
In 1997 Nancy and Luke Weinstein, a Connecticut couple with a young daughter, decided to go their separate ways. They weren’t rich, it seemed. Nancy was a stay-at-home mom; Luke’s base salary was $48,000 a year at Product Technologies, which developed software for smart cards. On his asset disclosure sheet he valued his 19.4% stake in the firm at $40,000. The judge ordered Luke to pay his wife $100,000 as a divorce settlement.
The Weinstein marriage was dissolved in 1998. Five months later Luke’s firm was sold for $6 million (with financing), and he ultimately pocketed $1.45 million for his shares. A sudden run of luck? Not exactly; it later came out that Luke and another principal had turned down a $2.5 million offer for the company that was made while the divorce was still pending.
Nancy went back to court, saying that her ex had fraudulently understated the value of his stock. But recompense was slow and meager. Four months ago–after a decade of pursuit–an exhausted Nancy Weinstein settled with Luke. Her net settlement, after legal and expert fees, was marginally over $200,000.
It’s a quirk of our society: Fudge any number in a publicly traded corporation and Sarbanes-Oxley will have you behind bars. But fudge an asset figure in a divorce battle and nothing much happens. It’s just accepted as part of the rough play that is expected in a bitter lawsuit.
Warning signs that your child might be addicted to porn
November 24, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
You know online pornography is devastating to your child, but how can you know if your child is watching it? I want to give you some signs to look for that might give you a hint that your child might be hooked to online porn.
In a study of how online porn can effect children, an Australian research group found that children exposed to pornography were significantly more aggressive:
Of the 101 sexually-abusive children seen over the past three years, almost all had access to the Internet, and 90 percent admitted having seen sexually-explicit material online, the report said.
One of the first things you might notice with your child is that he is more aggressive sexually towards girls. He would probably be acting this out at school and be getting into trouble. Normal sexual behavior for younger boys and girls (pre puberty) would be things like “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.” But trying to put their parts into each other or stroking or really acting on “adult” sexual behavior is definitely beyond the norm.
I can not stress enough how important it is to secure your home against the danger of online porn. Exposure to this industry to your young children leads to so many problems you don’t want to deal with the consequences.
I was meeting with a friend recently, and I recommend, for young children, Apple computers because you can set up a very simple internet safety setting through Safari that only lets your kids surf sites that you have pre-approved. I know this might sound frustrating, but it’s worth it and I haven’t found it that annoying, seriously, my kids rarely come to me to add new sites after an initial set-up time of about an hour of adding safe sites.
Here are some other signs your child mild be hooked on online pornography:
- your child is becoming increasingly more shut-down and secretive
- your child spends too much time online and tends to close windows quickly when you come into the room
- your child stays up late into the night after you’ve gone to bed online
- your child makes an effort to get online at other people’s homes unsupervised
- there’s a computer in the home that is out-of-the-way (i.e. in the basement, attic, their room, etc) and your child uses that computer at odd hours to surf the web
Save your child’s life and pass it on to your friends
November 23, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
If you have a child that weighs 40 pounds or less, you’d better watch this video, or if you have a friend that has a child that is in this category of weight, do not fool yourself into thinking that you can put your child into a booster seat.
I was horrified tonight to think that I’ve moved my son (David, who still only weighs about 35 lbs into a booster seat using a seatbelt) after watching this video).
Seriously, only about a million people have watched it, and that’s not enough people.
How to have a happy holiday season with your family
November 22, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
The holiday season doesn’t have to be a nightmare with your family. It’s actually not as complicated as you might feel to keep it safe during the holidays. If you want to have a happy holiday season with your family, then try these helpful tips:
- It’s fun time, and if you’ve ever read anything I’ve ever written, then you know what that means, you can’t get into any arguments, you have to keep it sacred. Which means you save any hurt feelings for a later discussion, if it needs to be discussed.
- Relax, don’t allow yourself to go with your first negative assumption. Maybe your sister didn’t mean what she said (or maybe she did and you get to give her grace this holiday season).
- If the atmosphere is positively horrible, don’t be a part of it, you have to protect yourself and draw a significant boundary. How can you know if the atmosphere is horrible:
- You hear words like: you’re an idiot, I hate you, divorce, moron, fat, $%^&^*%$*$#
- Physical violence
- Drugs
The cohabitation debate should finally be over
November 22, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 8 Comments
When will the cohabitation debate finally end? I’m still amazed at how many young singles still don’t know the devastating statistics about the demise of cohabitating relationships. They don’t work and it’s not a Christian, biblical, fundamental opinion either.
Research is clear that when a couple cohabitates before they get married their chances of staying together virtually disappear. Take the most recent study out of the University of Chicago and what they discovered with French families:
Well, yes, it is true that French family structures have not “disintegrated.” But a 2003 University of Chicago study found that children born to cohabiting couples were 285 percent more likely to see their parents separate than children born to married parents. Not surprisingly, the same study finds that the deinstutionalization of marriage has also been accompanied by a marked rise in single parenthood.
If you’re single, listen to me very carefully, do not, if you love the person you’re with, move in together, no matter what! It will practically guarantee the demise of your relationship. It doesn’t work. Don’t get caught up in the rhetoric with your parents or pastor, read the research of real scientists and people like me who do this stuff for a living (also take a look at Susan Tabbert’s post, it’s a brilliant look at the matter).
The truth about what your kids really need in life to succeed
November 22, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 1 Comment
A recent study indicates that your kids need more play! I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. I’m such a believer in play, probably because I spend so much time playing, but it nice to see that my life is being validated finally:
Good news for kids: Doctors advise more play
Youngsters between 5 and 16 need to be active for 1 1/2 hours a dayLONDON - Doctors may soon have a prescription for health that even kids will like: more playtime.
European and international health experts say a new study makes the most convincing case yet for the benefits of children being active. They say the research may lead to new guidelines saying youngsters between ages 5 and 16 need to be active up to 1½ hours a day.
For some parents, that might be accomplished simply by showing their children the door.
What can you do when you’re no longer attracted to your spouse?
November 20, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
It’s a common problem with couples I see in my office:
- “I’m not attracted to him any more.”
- “I don’t love her any more.”
- “She doesn’t turn me on like she used to.”
What can you do when you’re not attracted to your spouse any more, and more importantly, what happened in your marriage to lead you down this path?
It’s actually not as complicated as you might think. The answer is just probably not what you want to hear. Usually the confused spouse wants me to say, “Well, that is horrible, you need to leave this marriage and quickly find someone that will meet your physical and emotional needs as soon as possible!”
I’m never going to say that because it simply isn’t going to solve the problem. If you can’t find happiness with your current spouse, then you won’t find happiness with your next spouse…and that’s a promise.
What you need to do is fix your thinking about love and attraction. Because my guess is that you’ve based your feelings about your spouse on emotion and not on decision, and here lies your problem.
Love is not an emotion it is a decision. If you want passion, romance, and intimacy, then those things always follow a choice and never follow a feeling. In fact, if you follow your feelings, it’s probably why you’re as miserable as you are in your marriage!
Feelings come and feelings go but decisions last a lifetime.
How do you define dedication?
November 20, 2006 by Kirsten Wakie · Leave a Comment
Some time ago, my husband Hank began pondering the difference between the words commitment and dedication. We usually think of them as synonyms, and often use the word “committed” when we speak of marriage. But after some study, he realized that the two words are not the same.
We lead the married couples ministry in our church and recently had a dinner where my husband shared why he felt the word commitment isn’t sufficient when we talk about marriage. I’d like to share it with you:
The dictionary definition of commit: delivering or entrusting something for safe keeping; to put in a prison or mental institution; to transfer, consign; an order for confining in prison; a perpetration as in a sin or crime.
Now look at the words dedication and devotion.
The dictionary definition of dedicate: The act of consecrating to a deity or to a sacred use, often with religious solemnities; to set apart for a definite purpose.
The dictionary definition of devote is: the act of devoting or consecrating as to devotion of one’s talent’s to God’s service; to appropriate by vow: to set apart or dedicate by a solemn act to consecrate; act of devoutness: act of worship; a religious exercise prayer; to give to wholly or chiefly.
The dictionary definitions are quite different. A commitment has no sacred meaning, and can be broken by any party. But when you dedicate something, you do it completely. When you dedicate something to God, you totally give it over to Him. He receives what is dedicated to Him and holds it as His. He never breaks His side of the vow or promise. That’s pretty awesome in my book.
If you look in Scripture, the word dedicate is used is so many places. The temple was dedicated, Hannah dedicated her son, and so on. I think it’s interesting that the word committed isn’t used.
Dedication requires much more of us than we think because God is involved. We start by dedicating ourselves to Him when we accept Christ. With marriage, we dedicate ourselves to our spouses and our marriage because the covenant includes God. “….The cord of three strands is not easily broken.” (Ecc. 4:12)
To me, to dedicate means there’s no taking it back.
I think we all consider ourselves committed to our marriage. But are we dedicated? Are we prepared to live up to our vows that promise to see each other through good and bad times, through sickness and health, for richer and poorer until death separates us? That’s dedication in my book.
At the end of our dinner, we wanted to hand out a certificate of sorts to each couple that showed their dedication to their own marriage. I searched online for a dedication prayer that was appropriate but really couldn’t find one. I found several websites that gave examples of vows for a renewal ceremony and some of the wording in those seemed to fit well. This was the end result:
When we first joined hands and hearts, we did not know where life would take us.
We promised to love, honor and cherish one another through all things.
Life has surely brought us both wonderful blessings and difficult tribulations.
Therefore, we have remained true to our promise, and God is smiling!
So, today we renew our dedication to God, each other and our marriage.
“You are mine, my love, and I am yours, as ordained by God from the beginning of time.
God brought us together, kept us together.
You are God’s gift to me, my priceless treasure, my blessing for life.
May God bless us as we renew our pledge of love to one another, eternally.”
Make your marriage important enough to be dedicated to it!
The secret to plugging in to the source of life
November 19, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 1 Comment
You’ve reached the end of the line. You can’t handle any more. Your too tired, too hurt, too frustrated, too angry, too…everything. I’ve counseled hundred, no, thousands of people through over a decade of work now and I’ve just discovered the secret to plugging in to the source of life.
I hate sounding cliche. The kind of cliche when I’m sitting with someone who’s just discovered that their spouse has cheated on them, or their child has died, or they are going to die of cancer because a tumor is inoperable and I want to say something like, “you need to pray about that…” or even worse “trust God with that…”
These things are true, but sometimes they don’t feel like the right thing to say or it’s that I feel that people hear them so many times in their lives that they know what it sounds like but they don’t know how to actually do them.
Today, I learned something extremely valuable from my Sunday school class. A collection of extremely bright and talented couples who are dedicated to growing closer to God and closer to each other.
There was a moment during the discussion time when I had the chance to throw out this question, “How do you help someone actually plug into the source of life? I mean, it’s easy to say, ‘plug in to God’, but how do you actually help someone do that?” As usual, my class came up with a brilliant answer, or rather, discussion.
Here’s the secret. It’s not really a one time act. It’s a strategy. Only God can provide for our need for security and he accomplishes this task through His people, His word (the Bible), His spirit (the Holy Spirit), and His timing.
I realized today that I can help people plug in to the source of life (God) by getting them to understand and recognize the power in prayer (our relationship with God), communion (a complete and total mystery), small groups (the essence of community and support for each other), bible reading, listening to God’s guidance through the Holy Spirit, certain books, and the list could go on. God will touch your life through many avenues, all you need is the patience to let God work things out through God’s timing. I truly believe that’s the key to all of this.
We get so hurried to get the pain over with that we make things worse. Slow it down and take a big breath. Healing is not a drive-through but rather a five-star restaurant that serves a seven course meal.
Tom and Katie: What the news hasn’t covered.
November 19, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
You’ve seen the pictures…you’ve read about the plans…you know about the castle in Italy…the previous marriage…the first kids…the new kid…the scientology…the parents…Nicole…
But what you haven’t heard talked about is why Tom and Katie are not going to make it, unless of course they experience a major Christian conversion (You can never underestimate God).
Tom, as everyone knows is a Scientologist. The Church of Scientology can be summed up best as:
The teachings of one man: L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard’s theories, assumptions, and techniques for practical applications that make up the rituals of Scientology, are sometimes called the “Spiritual Technology,” or simply “the Tech.”
Hubbard claimed to have discovered certain “natural laws” of the spiritual universe, which he claimed can be used to predict and control behavior and phenomena in a manner similar to the way in which the natural laws codified in the physical sciences can be used to predict and control phenomena in the physical world.
Scientology assumes that spirituality and thought (called “theta”) is an energy existing in its own universe, separate and distinct from the physical universe of Matter, Energy, Space and Time (MEST), and that spirit (theta) is senior to, and indeed created, the physical universe (MEST).
(To read more about them, I found a helpful site at www.xenu.net)
Katie was raised as a devout Catholic…HELLO! Can there be anything more extremely different! I’m so sad for Katie and her family. Her parents must be mortified, and I’m actually quite impressed they showed up to the wedding. But you’ll notice that they still managed to get an official Catholic wedding for their daughter, so even though Cruise recently said in an interview:
Cruise insisted his new baby will not be raised a Catholic, despite Holmes’ devout upbringing in the Church.
He said his bride-to-be was a full convert to Scientology, and the couple had no plans of raising their child, due this month, any other way.
Cruise said, “No, I mean you can be Catholic and be a Scientologist. You can be Jewish and be a Scientologist. But we’re just Scientologists.”
It was the first official confirmation the former “Dawson’s Creek” star has switched to Scientology, and Cruise maintained the move has not caused a rift with her Catholic parents, as some publications have reported.
I think Mr. Cruise has no idea how unrealistic it will be to believe that Mrs. Katie Cruise (former devout Catholic) - Holmes will not want her children to be raised Catholic. I be they won’t make it to their three-year anniversary. I hope they can get things worked out and experience real transformation in their lives.
Is it right to include the kids for the second marriage ceremony?
November 18, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
I was reading a post from Our One Heart about creative ideas on including kids during a wedding ceremony for stepfamilies, and I must admit, I’m not sure how I feel about this one. It’s not that I’m against including the kids in the ceremony, I guess what struck me about the post was that I saw a glaring omission, and I’m sure the author wasn’t intending her post to go this deep, but it got me thinking about the issue…so I’m going there
Here’s my opinion on the issue on how the step-children should or should not be included in the wedding ceremony. They should be asked. Their opinion should count for how they are included in the ceremony. Their opinion probably didn’t count during the divorce of their biological parents, so maybe their opinions can count now.
That’s about all I have to say on that subject…you can always add what you wish.
Thankful thoughts
November 18, 2006 by Reagan Elizabeth · Leave a Comment
Dad, thank you for always cheering me up when I’m sad. You are the one who helps people stop getting divorces. I’ll always remember the time when you were on your first job getting people to not divorce. Dad, you are the most perfect person and dad, more than anything else, though, I want you to know that I am just thankful for you just loving me.
Your daughter
Reagan
(a Daddy’s note)
Ok, so now that I’ve stopped weeping out of control. My daughter gave this to me today, with the following drawing. So this is why we have children!
A new one-day retreat for couples in crisis
November 18, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment
If you don’t want your marriage to end in divorce, but you don’t know how to keep it together, then our new one-day Marriage Restoration Retreat is the solution you are looking for. The Marriage Restoration Retreat is based on over a decade of intense clinical research by the Smalleys proven to increase marital satisfaction and significantly decrease your chances of divorce.
Experience a profound change
No matter what state your marriage is in, our retreat will make a profound impact on your marriage. Couples who are stressed will learn why they are stressed and actually be able to significantly increase their marital satisfaction.
You might be feeling:
- “There’s no hope for us.”
- “My husband says he doesn’t love me any more.”
- “My wife has had an affair.”
No marriage is too hurting or too conflicted to be restored through our Marriage Restoration Retreats.
- 100% of the couples who’ve attended our Marriage Restoration Retreat would recommend it to other couples.
- When couples were asked how they would rate their satisfaction with our retreat, in terms of how it helped their marriage, on a scale from 1 (meaning that it didn’t help at all) to 10 (meaning that it was very helpful) the average couple ranked our Marriage Restoration Retreat at a 9.5.
What is the retreat like?
We are now offering couples a unique opportunity to meet with one of our licensed counselors or trained life coaches one-on-one for a full day of restoration and training utilizing our proven theory of marriage growth and healing.
The one-day Marriage Restoration Retreat allows you to get beyond the hurt of the past and experience rapid movement toward a future of happiness and continued satisfaction. The leader will focus on your personal issues and help bring resolution to your most intimate and frustrating struggles.
There are no awkward exercises during the retreat but rather focused and individualized help to move you forward in love and harmony. The time is flexible yet purposeful. You will learn specific key concepts that are proven to revitalize even the most stressed and wounded circumstances.
Proven success for our retreat
The Marriage Restoration Retreat is based on the wildly successful Couples Intensive program by The Smalley Relationship Center that was over 85% successful in keeping couples together and satisfied in their marriage!
You can schedule a one-day Marriage Restoration Retreat at your convenience and at the availability of our counselors and life coaches.
A snapshot of our content
- Discover the #1 Destroyer of Marriages - The Fear Dance is what a couple does when they don’t understand their core relational fears (fears like being controlled, abandoned, disconnected, rejected, unhappy, ignored, invalidated, etc). You will identify your personal core fear and how that plays itself out in your marriage in a destructive way.
- Creating a Safe Home - Learn four ways to create a safe place for your marriage to flourish. When two people feel safe in one another’s presence, they naturally open up to each other and love flows from that openness. You will learn how to not judge, criticize, or belittle each other when your needs are not being met.
- The Power of One - You are not a victim in your marriage, and in fact, the more you focus on your spouse changing, the worse your marriage will get. Nothing or no one can take away your joy in life. Learn how you can positively impact your marriage by simply changing your own behavior for the better. When you treat your spouse better, wait to see how your spouse treats you.
- Communicate with your heart - Connect to the heart of your spouse by learning how to successfully communicate. When you understand how your spouse feels, you will connect in a way that makes everyday conversation come alive. You will learn how to actually come to solutions to your most hurtful and complicated conflicts.
- The importance of self-care - God wants you to be satisfied so that you can become a channel of His love to others. Too many broken marriages are directly linked to our inability to find God’s fuel for our soul. As we love ourselves we can then love our mate. You must have love if you want to give love.
If you want to talk with someone about scheduling a retreat, then please call Susan Tabbert at 281 466 8643 or feel free to email her at stabbert@smalleymfc.com.
CANCELLATION POLICY
Once a retreat is purchased, there can be a 50% refund of the total purchase price up to a month in advance of the date of the retreat. There are no refunds accepted within a month of the date of a scheduled retreat for any reason.
Servant-hood is a heart condition
November 17, 2006 by Kirsten Wakie · Leave a Comment
Jesus gave us the perfect example of servant hood when He washed the disciples feet. It was a necessary demonstration so they would understand that even the greatest is called to serve. But for Jesus, it wasn’t just a necessary demonstration but a heartfelt one. He loved His disciples. He wanted them to know the Father’s heart so they could show it to others.
Service begins with the right attitude of the heart. A heart after God seeks to serve Him. And the best way to serve Him is to serve others. There are so many areas of service and each one has value. The pastor serves by leading His church and equipping the saints. The Sunday School teacher serves by imparting God’s Word into His little ones. The usher serves by assisting the Body. The clean up crew serves by keeping God’s House in order and in doing so, lightening the burden of others. While some areas of service attract more attention than others, no one task is of any greater or any lesser importance. The Body of Christ is made up of many parts, and each one has a specific function. The Body cannot function without each of these parts doing its job.
The real issue is not what you do to serve, but how and why you do it. If what you do is for your own recognition, your motivation is off. We are to serve with all humility (Acts 20:17), not for our own glory, but for His. If you serve with grumbling or complaining, your heart isn’t truly in it. We are to serve the Lord with gladness (Psalm 100:2) because of who He is and His love for us.
We are His hand extended, His reflection. People need to see Him in everything we do. There should be joy in teaching a class, preaching His word and yes, taking out the trash; even when it’s not your turn!
If you love Him, you desire to serve Him. If your heart is a heart after Him, you desire to serve Him. If you want others to know Him, demonstrate it by serving with a smile on your face. And no matter how you serve, do it from your heart.
