Change your thinking - change your life

Today I’m reading a great book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness, by Daniel G. Amen, M.D., and one of the most interesting things about the book is that if a person has had one or more very traumatic experiences in life, the memory of those experiences are stored in the Limbic area. It is the area for bonding and feelings and key memories. Dr. Amen (interesting name) has a medical test called the SPECT scan that can see the brain during normal resting times.

If an area of the brain is hot, then, the person will have corresponding negative effects related to the heated area. Like if the Limbic area is “hot”, the person is very negative, explodes, is critical, etc. What he does is give a person a specific medicine to cool the particular area(s) down and then he teaches them how to cool these areas on their own through thinking “soothing” thoughts.

This got me thinking about a verse in the bible, “As a man thinks into his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7 NAS) Thoughts can “cool” wounded areas of the brain? Amazing. Thoughts form our beliefs and our beliefs can cool our negative brain.

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The New Year Promise

As we enter another New Year, many of us have at least one promise or “resolution” we make for ourselves. Most of the time, we hardly get past January before we break it and then feel guilty over our lack of commitment to the promise. That’s just one reason that I’m not too big on resolutions.

Now that doesn’t mean I don’t start out each New Year trying to change something. This past year was a particularly busy one for me. I’m a do-er–always running, always busy, always doing something. I am rarely idle even at home; sitting still is just never an option. 90% of the time, my running has a specific and meaningful purpose. I don’t use my time foolishly. But I think in my busyness, there are a few things that have suffered. This year I would say my goal is to slow down a bit and re-focus.

If you’re always running, it can get hard to spend time with God. That, my friends, is most important time you will spend in your day. It is essential for your spiritual growth and well being. I feel I need to make more time to spend with Him. My drive to work is at least 20-30 minutes on a good day, so I’ve tried to designate that my prayer time, but there’s always room for improvement. Busyness can also take time away from the people you love. My husband and I do pretty well finding time. The kids are bigger now and one son is away at college so it’s not as hard as it used to be to be alone. And I always find time with my son that’s still at home. I must admit though, that this year in particular, it became near impossible for our group of friends to find a day where we could all gather together for dinner like the old days. I found that the busyness we all share kept us from being together and that was quite frustrating. It’s hard to change the fact that we all have things to do, but I’d love to find more time this year to be with the people that matter.

In many ways, I’ve also neglected myself. Having lost weight, then gaining some back, I’m back on the diet path. And I really need to find some time for myself. It’s not easy, but I know it will not only benefit me, but those around me.

I guess I could sum up my New Year’s goal by saying I want to be a better person. Both for me and for those I love. We are, after all, a work in progress. And although I really believe that we should be striving each and everyday to be the best person we can be, January 1^st seems to be a good time to make a new start of it.

I pray 2007 is a happy, healthy and prosperous year for all!

African Impala: otherwise known as the McDonalds of Africa

Creative New Year’s Eve Ideas for families: if you don’t get to go out and party!

You have three kids (maybe more, maybe less) and you know that you don’t get to go out for the evening and party the night away this New Year’s Eve. Here are some creative suggestions to have your own party right at home:

• Get a chocolate fondue fountain from Target ($29). Need I say more! Get marshmallows, graham crackers, strawberries, whatever you want and the kids (and you) will have a blast right through midnight.
• If you have young kids, infant to toddler, then get them to bed early and set up a surprise dinner (obviously one of you should be reading this and should do it for the other). Make it a romantic dinner outside somewhere on your property with candles, music, etc (if it’s not too cold of course).
• Get a ton of balloons (in the hundreds) and blow them all up during the day and fill up one of your rooms. Parents, put some special prizes in a few of the balloons, and then maybe a few minutes before the new year, let the kids know that a few of the balloons have some special prizes in them and that they have to pop them to find them! They’ll go crazy.

Here’s a fun idea I found from FamilyFun magazine called the Bubble Wrap stomp:

Looking for a way to ring in the New Year that will have the crowd on its feet? Look no further than a packaging supply store. For just a few dollars, says Elaine Snyder of Jupiter, Florida, you can pick up several yards of large Bubble Wrap (or recycle Bubble Wrap that comes with holiday gifts). Just before midnight, unroll it on a hard surface, such as a wooden floor or driveway, and when the countdown concludes, join the Snyders in “the Bubble Wrap Stomp.”

“It sounds like firecrackers,” says Elaine, who has enjoyed the tradition for a decade with husband Karl and kids Karyn, 14, and Kasey, 10. “It actually came from something I saw on safe fireworks for the Fourth of July,” she says, “But I adapted it to New Year’s Eve because I liked having a deadline where they all jump on it at the same time.”

Here’s some more FamilyFun suggestions that I thought were pretty creative:

COUNTDOWN NUMBERS
Draw and color in the numbers 1 through 10 on poster boards–one number per board. At midnight, each child promenades down a flight of steps, number card held high, as the crowd yells out the number and cameras flash. “That was their moment,” says Susan. As the last child hits the last step, the streamers were blowing and the shakers were shaking. “You would just not believe how cool that turned out.”

A NEW YEAR’S TREE
A couple of years ago, as Christmas gave way to New Year’s, Rhonda Johnstone had an inspiration. After the Pioneer, California, mother and her three kids took down the ornaments from their Christmas tree, they gave it a makeover.

Ethan, Eryn and Tessa (now 12, 10 and eight years old, respectively) helped curl ribbon and make blue bows. They tied them to the branches, along with party horns and balloons. Even the tree skirt was replaced. The only thing they kept was the string of colored lights weaving through the branches. Rhonda says her one rule was no red or green.

A major reason couples get into trouble

I’ve been doing these amazing one-day marriage restoration intensives for couples in crisis, and I’m starting to see a major pattern in why these couples are in crisis. Want to know why?

They have no community.

Simply put, they stopped attending church, they didn’t have any friends who had good marriages that they hung out with, and they didn’t have a small group they attended regularly. They became isolated in their own struggle to survive and they felt alone, which ultimately led them to feel like their only alternative was divorce.

If you don’t want to get into trouble, then make sure you have a community of good couples who want the same thing you want, a happy marriage. If all of your friends are stressed out with each other and don’t like their spouses, then good luck. You’ll probably end up just like you’re friends.

Surround yourself with good people with hearts actively pursuing God and a Christ-like attitude of service. You can’t lose with those kinds of friends in your life. If you don’t know what a small group is, then find a church who is modeled after a Willowcreek style or Purpose Driven style of church. Those kind of churches are built around a small group attitude and it is the greatest thing you will ever do for your marriage, I guarantee you.

The Best Christmas Gift

Last night, we celebrated Christmas eve with my husband’s family, as we do every year. My husband’s family, being Italian, has always made a big celebration of Christmas eve. It’s a great night, with courses and courses of food and a lot of laughter. There is a designated time where we all play Santa and give out our gifts. It’s a big family, so it can be a little hectic as we all open our treasurers. This year is particularly special, because two of our nieces and one nephew are all engaged. The first to get married, Nicole, has her wedding this May. Nicole and her fiancée were a little late getting to dinner this year, so they were able to open their gifts with all eyes on them only. Nicole’s Aunt Janice (my husband’s sister) handed her a huge box and was ecstatic to see her open it. As Nicole looked at the tag, she saw the gift said it was from “Nana”. Nana is my husband’s mom who passed away almost 20 years ago. Sadly, my children never got to know her, but Nicole certainly did. She began to cry before opening the package, as did we all. In the package was a beautiful wooden box and in the box, was her nana’s silver, all newly polished and shining. My husband’s sister (who is the oldest sibling) was given the silver when their mother passed away. Even though her own daughter is also getting married, Nicole will be married first and Janice felt that their mom would want her to have it. Nicole was floored and all of us joined her shedding some tears with the memories we all share. It was one of the most beautiful Christmas moments I’ve ever seen.

It’s Christmas morning now and my family has already opened their gifts. It was also a beautiful morning. Although all of us received great gifts and are thankful for them, this year has been particularly special. You see, our family has seen some trials in the last two years, but God in His infinite wisdom and faithfulness has brought us through them. Although I’ve always know this, I realize this year, more than ever, that the greatest gifts we receive don’t come in boxes or bags or envelopes. The greatest gifts are in the relationships we have. With our spouses, our children, our parents, siblings and friends. We need to pour everything we have into these relationships because they are the true value in our lives. We need to treasure every moment we have.

Enjoy your Christmas this year with those you love. It will be the greatest gift you ever receive.

A Christmas devotional: The reason we give gifts

Sometimes the best devotional can be a reframe of something very special, and in this case, we are helping our children (re)understand why we give each other gifts on Christmas. Go to Ephesians 2:8 (I will include it here using the New Living Translation as well as The Message):

God saved you by his special favor when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. (NLT)

Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! (The Message)

The Devotional:

The reason we give gifts on Christmas is because God gave us the greatest gift of all, salvation through the birth of baby Jesus. Salvation means that we get to spend eternity with God, in Heaven, and we celebrate this gift of salvation on Christmas by giving each other gifts, to remind each other of the gift (of salvation) that God gave to us through Jesus.

Possible family questions:

1. What are some other good verses on salvation? (John 3:16; Romans 6:23; Romans 5:8)
2. What is another way we could remind ourselves today about how thankful we are that Christ died for us?
3. What kind of gift could we give Jesus today for His birthday?
4. What would Jesus most want from us on his birthday?

I’m sick of this break

Why is it that when we finally have a moment to breathe, our body says to our immune system, “take a rest fellas.” I really needed this holiday break and all I’ve done is take pill after pill and snap at my kids because I’ve been sick.

Merry Christmas.

Realizing how cynical this post is feeling, I don’t want to leave it on such a downer. My son Cole, maybe two days ago, announced the sweetest thing to me. He said that if playing pro sports doesn’t work out for him, he’d like to start his own ministry.

I asked him what kind of ministry he’d like to start and he answered, “something like World Vision, I want to help children and people less fortunate than me.” Remember, my son is only ten years old! “What would you call this ministry of yours,” I asked him next. I could tell he had already put a lot of thought in to his new idea. I’m going to quote him as best as I can remember and at length, because it was so thoughtful:

You know how Kanakuk has the I’m Third principle, God first, others second, and I’m third? Well…I was thinking that I could call my ministry Second Vision. Because it would focus on putting others second, ahead of myself, like the I’m Third principle.

I might be feeling miserable and snappy, but that moment made my vacation probably the most memorable one of my life.

The Ultimate Gift Guide

As the father of 3-year and 18-month old daughters (with another due in April 2007), I don’t have much time to follow sports. These days, thanks to the beauty of  Tivo and DVR, I record most games I want to see, and end up watching them late into the night, after my wife is asleep. That being said, I have to admit to being an ESPN.com junkie. It’s the one place I can go to get a 5-minute summary of all that is live and real in the sports nation, and not feel alone in the “male-bonding” world! Before I get too far off on this rabbit trail, my point of ESPN.com and its ’spiritual relevance’ in this world, is the recent “List” I ran across when getting my daily dose. The list was aptly titled, “The Annual Ultimate Gift Guide”. While the gist of it was humorous, it made me think about the Christmas gifts I still have not purchased, and what really is the “Ultimate Gift” I could receive this year. After thinking about all the cool fly-fishing gear I’ve seen in the most recent Orvis magazine, I realized that I had already received the “Ultimate Gift”.

The best gift I could have received this year was what my children have taught me about my relationship with Christ. Having been a follower of Christ for 25 of my 32 years on this earth, I sometimes feel as if there is nothing left for me to learn, in a spiritual aspect. I’m usually whacked across the head by God right about the time I start thinking that, and he did that often over the last 12 months, in the form of my children. I’m sure many of this blog’s readers either have small children or have parented them at some point in the past. From that, you know the continual challenges a 2-3 year old can present. Whether it’s a tantrum at the most inopportune time, not listening to anything you’re saying, testing every boundary you set, or simply utter disobedience, a pre-school age child can seem like someone who is continually looking for the chance to test you as a parent. That is what hit me as I was thinking about the “Ultimate Gift”.

In my daily interactions with trying to shape and mold my 2-year old daughter (many studies show that a child’s personality, traits, demeanor, etc. are set by age 4), I found myself staring into the mirror while staring into her eyes, more days than not. I came to realize that this is exactly how Christ views us on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. That we try to test every limit he sets, scheming and plotting as to how “far” we can push the line. What can we get away with that maybe he won’t notice, and how bad will our punishment really be? Will the “sin” be worth the punishment? What I found as I stared into my daughters eyes many, many times this year, pleading with her to “just obey me”, was Christ softly whispering in my heart, “Brandon, have grace with her, because this is what I give you every day. As you ask her for obedience to your requests and words, don’t forget this is what I ask and require of you. As you stay frustrated with how often and easily she seems to disobey you, realize that even with a 25-year relationship with me, you still choose to disobey, each and every day.” WOW!!! Talk about a feeling worse than taking a right-jab across the chin (sorry to go back to the sports reference, but couldn’t resist!).

Even as bad and humbling as the feeling is, that often sinks into my gut right at that moment, what rises out, is even more powerful and humbling. It’s the feeling that I really and truly am CHRIST’s CHILD!! What gift could be better than that! It’s understanding that my salvation through him brings true, perfect and ultimate forgiveness for all my transgressions. That understanding and revelation makes me want to shout it from the rooftops to everyone who hasn’t experienced that, or at least grab a cheerleader’s mega-phone and make sure everyone in the stadium knows!! When Christ came to this earth more than 2000 years ago, his gift was the same as it is today. A very personal relationship with Him, and a daily dose of forgiveness and love that is not only perfect, but never-ending.

Having been a parent for 3 years now, I know I’m not perfect, but my daughters let me know each day through their hugs and kisses, that I’m making good headway on conveying Christ’s love to them. For Christmas 2006, this is all I could ask for.

You need to simplify to magnify your love for each other

A couple who attended one of our live events has recently posted this question:

My husband and I were doing great after the seminar; however, recently, we have been fighting over petty things. My husband is under a lot of stress due to working full-time, taking classes to become a deacon, and preaching every Sunday at his church, due to the pastor leaving. He has been very short with the family, including my daughter, his step-daughter. He is still having difficulties bonding with her. Please give me any suggestions that can help us. The welfare of my children is very important to me and I am concerned with our recent arguments because he has placed blame on her. After the fact, he realizes it was a mistake, but I don’t want it to happen again. I have a lot of fault also. I allow him to get me to the escalating point and then I say the wrong things. I know I should take a time out when he starts hitting my buttons, but then he continues and then I get out of control. Please give us suggestions because we do love each other very much. We just don’t know how to fix it. Thank you so much. You both were an inspiration to us.

Here’s the best advice I’m going to give this couple (more specifically the husband). You can know all the relationship advice stuff on the planet, but if you don’t have enough time to do any of it, then it can’t help you.

The greatest thing you could do for your family is simplify immediately. Stop at least one major thing you’re doing and say, “My family is more important than…(the deacon thing, the school thing, the preaching thing.”

None of those activities are more important than family and it sounds like they are getting in the way of your family getting along and are adding unnecessary stress. It’s hard to be well when you are not taking care of yourself. If you have nothing in the tank, you can’t give anything.

As for the stepdaughter, he needs to get very serious about making her a priority and a friend. His first job is to take her out to dinner and own up to his mistakes as a stepdad and say something like, “I’ve not done the best job in being a very loving stepdad, and I want to ask your forgiveness.” Then he needs to listen to anything she might need to say. After that he can simply ask something like, “What can I do from this day forward to let you know how valuable you are to me?”

Here’s the deal, I know the wife sent me the email, so I will encourage you not to go to your husband and say, “See, I told you this is all your fault. Michael Smalley said that YOU need to change all of your ways and that YOUR destroying this family!”

Just by the sound of your question, I’m fairly confident you wouldn’t have done this, I’m really writing this for the other wives who were getting tempted to do it. But seriously, be soft and know that your husband is probably trying to do his best, but it sounds like he’s gotten caught up in the trap of “doing” God’s work when really God’s work is sitting right in front of him at home.

When a sister loves her brother

I’m alone for the next three day with my kids, and I like it that way from time to time. If you don’t know, I was a full-time stay at home dad for a while so my wife could finish her masters degree at Wheaton College. That year changed my life forever and I always cherish the time I get my kids alone.

My wife left last night for New York city and tonight I had the three kids in the jacuzzi enjoying the hot water and a rain shower, which is only something a dad would do (risking a lightning blast).

My youngest, David, looked at my daughter Regan at one point and said the most random thing, “Reagan…do you love your ear rings?” I thought that was a weird question, especially since no one was talking. But it certainly brought out a response that warmed the deepest part of my heart.

My daughter, without hesitation responded, “Yes I do David, but I don’t love them nearly as much as I love you!”

It’s not fair to have such a loving daughter. She is so full of life and passion. Even though I mess it up all the time, she keeps coming up with the right kind of attitude about life. She must get that from her mother.

Boys to men–how fast they grow

My oldest son came home from college this past weekend to spend Christmas with the family. He hasn’t been gone that long (he was actually home for Thanksgiving), but I marvel at the changes in him. He’s gone from a young boy to a young man rather quickly it seems. Watching him grow is both wonderful and difficult at the same time. As a mom, you pour everything you have into your kids with the prayer that they grow strong in mind, body and spirit. Seeing the fruit of that labor is wonderful. Having to let go and allow them to BE their own person is difficult. Life is a challenge and can often throw us curves. It’s painful to watch your kids go through the tough stuff life dishes out. But it gets a little easier when you see them learning life’s lessons and succeed.

I must admit, I hit a few bumps in the road myself in learning what it means to parent. There are some things I wish I did differently and some things that worked out pretty well. My husband and I have tried very hard to raise our boys with a love for God and for family. We’ve shown them how to respect and care for others, how to be responsible and how to be servants. We tried to give them the best foundation we could and had to let God do the rest. We have been blessed to see some amazing results.

I met a woman recently who has young children. She asked me how I learned to let go of my children. I had to think a minute before I answered. I told her that I did the best I could to raise my children according to God’s Word. I’ve taken great pains to build relationship with each child. I try to know them and talk to them and make it easy for them to talk to me. It’s a great thing to actually be close to your kids. From there I stand on Proverbs 22. I know I am not a perfect parent, and may not have done it all right all of the time, but God knows my heart and I believe He knows I did the best I could in raising them with Him. From there, I trust that word that says, “…when they grow old, they will not depart from it.”

Last night we went to see the Christmas show at Radio City. It was the first time we ever went. (I know…shame on us New Yorkers.) At the end of the evening, both of my kids thanked us for a great evening. And it really was a great time. They not only loved the show, but they enjoyed being with their parents. Not a lot of teenagers even like their parents these days. What a wonderful feeling as a parent to know your kids actually like you and want to spend time with you. That was probably the best Christmas gift I could get, because it makes me feel like we did something right.

Cutting the strings is hard. I mean REALLY hard. But I will tell you this… I can do it because I see the men my boys are becoming. They truly love God and their family. Knowing where their hearts lie makes it a little easier to let them find their wings and fly.

Should my boyfriend and I pray more together: Part 2

Keep those comments coming in, I love to respond to your questions and thoughts. A reader posted this comment earlier today:

Interesting. I’m familiar with the issue - to a slightly lesser extent, I took the initiative the first time and suggested it now and then, left it, mentioned it once, and let him initiate it (somehow that was important), it doesn’t perhaps happen quite as often as I’d like it to (how much that is I’m not fully sure myself and I do sometimes get caught in ideals) but it’s getting there. Encourage a little, take some initiative and then let him step up, he will. Pray about it too (you can read the post she is commenting on here)

One of the hardest things in life to learn is to let people go, and I’m not talking about letting them go off the side of a cliff, but rather, letting them go in terms of change. I just spent two full days meeting with couples in crisis doing my one-day marriage restoration intensives (I did them for the first time with my dad, he’s never done one with me, so I let him experience them, and he loved it, and actually, I loved doing them with him. I actually thought he and I would have some sort of melt down with each other, but we were a good team…it was a great experience for us and hopefully the couples ).

One of the biggest issues for both couples was the fact that neither of them would allow the other spouse to simply be, and what I mean is, sometimes we spend more energy trying to get the other person to change than actually working on the things we need to change.

The best advice I could give you about praying with your boyfriend is to relax, don’t make it a big issue. If he is not a prayer warrior, and you’re looking for a prayer warrior, then I’d suggest that you break off the relationship and find a prayer warrior. Find a man who wants to pray just as much as you do. Do not continue dating a man who you think will get better one day with prayer, you have to assume that he will never get better than what he is at this moment. If you do, then you could be in big trouble.

When does all this relationship advice not matter?

I’ve been in a great debate with one of my readers, Michael Pollock, who has given everyone a fine example of how to have a disagreement and discussion without getting irresponsible, defensive, or ugly (thanks Michael). I hope I returned the kindness.

We’ve been jostling back and forth since I wrote the post on, A powerful lesson about love, and most recently Michael (not me, I try not to refer to myself in the third person) made his point finally clear to me, sometimes it takes a little more effort than it should

When I give advice on a relational level (i.e. learn how to communicate, share feelings, turn the other cheek, etc.) I am assuming that the other party does not have a personality disorder like narcissism, anti-social, borderline, histrionic, or other type of issue.  Granted, I would love a world where everyone wanted peace, love, and happiness, but that is not reality.

If you are in a marriage where your spouse is a narcissist, and you keep turning the other cheek, you will end up in a very abusive and sick relationship. At this point, all the relationship advice I like to give does not matter any more, your safety and the safety of your children does.

Read Michael’s example he gave to get a better understanding of what I’m talking about.  You can’t deal with people in a passive way if they are going to keep taking advantage of you, but that doesn’t mean you treat them in a horrible manner, but it does mean you take a stand for yourself.

Avoidance never solves anything, yelling and screaming doesn’t solve anything either, but standing up for yourself and sharing your needs and taking a stand will certainly make a difference.

Should Miss USA keep her title: and how this relates to parenting

It appears that Tara Conner, recently crowned Miss USA, will not be fired by Donald Trump after several weeks of hard partying on the New York city party scene.  Trump made the announcement via a massive press conference where Conner eventually broke down in tears:

I wouldn’t say that I’m alcoholic. I’d think that would be pushing the envelope.

Conner has agreed to go in to rehab as part of the conditions on keeping her crown, however.

My personal demons are my personal demons.

This entire fiasco got me thinking of parenting, as most fiascos usually do.  I’m not sure Donald is doing Miss Conner any favors in giving her a second chance.  If the pageants rules are straight forward on this issue of how a young woman is to represent them, then they need to follow through with the consequences.

This is the same kind of error many parents make with their children.  They want to make concessions for their children when they break the rules because they feel bad and don’t want their children to suffer the consequences of their decisions.

The problem is that by not allowing our children to suffer the consequences of their decisions we are denying them the opportunity to grow and become mature and loving adults.

What has Miss Conner learned?  I can party, get totally out-of-control, and all I have to do is throw a press conference, go to some fancy rehab center, and then every thing get back to normal; and we know how effective those celebrity rehab centers are.  Is that what she needs to be learning?

Now, just to be perfectly clear, I’m all for second chances.  Just because I want to follow through with the rules and consequences for behavior, that doesn’t mean I don’t love people and don’t care for them.  It also doesn’t mean that I’m judgmental.  Don’t confuse consistency with being unloving and judgmental, that is a trap many people fall in to unwittingly.

Usually, the most loving thing we can do for someone is hold them accountable for their actions and then love them unconditionally back to a healthier lifestyle.

The poll of the week

{democracy:11}

When a husband abuses intimacy

One of my most popular posts has been whether sex is a want or a need, but I recently got a comment from a reader that truly upset me:

What about the husband that has sex with you when you’ve said no. I have been raped by my husband many times. He says he’s a Christian and looks up this stuff on the internet to preach to me that sex is a need. Preaches to me about the bible that my body is his. I know this is probably extreme but I wish you would have addressed it’s a need but respect and love for the other person is also important.

I want to be as plain and strong as possible.  If what you say is true, then I couldn’t be more upset with your husband, or any husband for that matter, who would use the bible and Christianity for his own selfish purposes!  You can search this blog and find probably dozens of posts that speak frankly and openly about the need for a husband and a wife to openly serve one another like Christ served the church.

I’m horrified that your husband would use the bible in such a way, and what’s sad, is that you’ve allowed yourself to be used this way.  I don’t want this to sound harsh, but I do want you to know that you need help.  If your husband is abusing you sexually, which it sounds like he is, you need protection from your husband.  He needs to be held accountable for his actions, what he is doing is unacceptable and you are far too valuable to be treated like this.  Get to a friend, get to a pastor, get to a family member, get to someone who understands your value and will help you be strong.

I will be praying for you.  No wife deserves to be treated this way.  You don’t deserve to be treated this way. 

An important discussion on love: a reader engages in good debate

One of crashintolove.com’s readers has posted a thoughtful response to my latest post on love and I wanted to take the time to really respond to his comment:

Great article Michael, and I don’t think it’s that simple. True, MLK is more celebrated than someone such as Malcolm X, but the real dichotomy there is a passive vs assertive response. MLK chose the more passive response while Malcolm X chose the more assertive. Some have called this dichotomy feminine vs masculine (feminine being the passive response).

And yes, for some reason, in the last half century, the passive response has been more celebrated that the assertive.

I think, however, that we should not look at who is the most celebrated of the two, but instead, look at who achieved results. And the answer is they both achieved results.

I think that within the black community, Malcolm X is as much a hero as MLK. They both achieved something for the cause of human rights, albeit their methods were diametrically opposed to each other. One chose peace, the other, non-peace.

And in the end, they both died for the cause. So, laying down your life for others shows up in different ways.

I suppose, as it relates to this particular young man you counseled, the real question is what is his purpose and how is he best equipped to pursue that purpose; in an assertive or passive manner?

Service for it’s own sake is fine, but service in response to a higher purpose is the real meat and potatoes. The only question is what is that higher purpose?

Both MLK and Malcolm X made it their purpose to expand the reach of equality to include all people. And, if I’m not mistaken, that’s pretty much what Jesus did (although he may not have framed it that way).

Methods aside, is achieving one’s purpose not the grander pursuit?

I rather believe this is anything but passive, but rather the most powerful and aggressive thing we can do to get movement in any relationship (especially a hurting relationship).  What is easier for any person to do?  Go with our instinct an strike out at someone in anger (which is our natural instinct) or to withhold that anger and do the total opposite and respond in love and turn the other cheek?  I believe it takes far more strength, power, self control, and more to do peace than it does to do violence or aggression.

Also, here’s another issue with taking out aggression, it never ends.  The cycle of violence never stops.  Anger feeds anger.  Violence feeds violence.  In the end, Malcolm X’s methods never would have brought about the needs of the black people, peace, civil rights, respect, etc.

Now, I’m not an idiot, I know that one party can dominate another and take it over and demand these things, but that never lasts.  All we have to do is look at the Middle East and see a living example of my point.

The Middle East’s philosophy is an eye for an eye.  For thousands of years they have taught this philosophy and they continue to slaughter each other.  Take a look at what Nelson Mandela did for South Africa.  That could have been a total disaster (and I’m not saying they don’t have problems, but it could have been far worse), but after decades of mistreatment, abuse, and imprisonment, he chose reconciliation and forgiveness as his “weapons” and it took him all the way to the presidency.Methods do make a major difference, especially in relationships, and life is about relationships.  If I take a Malcolm X approach to my wife or my children, an aggressive approach or masculine approach, I will lose every time.  Anger feeds anger.  Rage feeds rage.  Hate feeds hate.

Love feeds love.  Peace feeds peace.  Patience feeds patience.  Mercy feeds mercy.  Kindness feeds kindness.  These are the things that heal relationships and build bridges where hurt has broken and torn people apart.

I’m certainly not a pacifist, if I see someone getting physically hurt by someone else, I will run and intervene every time.  But when it comes to relationships, love is all we have

A powerful lesson about love

I was talking with a young man yesterday who thought I was “whipped” when I shared with him that my job as a husband was to serve my wife.  I tried to explain that once you get married it is no longer about what you can get, but rather about what you can give.

Love is laying down your life, like Christ, and serving the needs of someone else.  Needless to say, judging by this young man’s response, he didn’t believe me.  He felt, like many people feel frankly, that you can’t allow people to take advantage of you.  It sounds good to serve your spouse, but in the end, you’d better make sure your spouse is serving you back.

But I pressed forward with this young man, who is in his mid twenties, and asked him, “Which is more powerful, to take something or to give something?”  I was starting to feel like a wise Chinese sage at this point in our conversation.  Of course, he didn’t know what I was getting at, and if I’m completely honest, I’m not sure I knew either.

The young man was convinced that I was being completely ridiculous to believe that you should serve people no matter how they treat you.  I gave him another example in my life recently when someone got upset about an issue, and instead of getting back at them, I ended up turning the other cheek.  I don’t have a lot of these examples, so before I ran out of them I quickly turned to a much better example, and I want to share this with you, because I’ve never used it before, and it literally turned this young man’s life upside down.

If you truly want to understand the lasting power and change of a servant’s style of love, then all you have to do is look at the very different lives of two men with similar desires, Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcom X.  Both men wanted liberty and equal rights for black people, but each man went about change in radically different ways.

Martin Luther King Jr. chose the path of unconditional love and peace while Malcolm X chose a more aggressive and violent approach.  I explained to the young gentleman that Martin Luther King Jr. followed Christ’s example of turning the other cheek.  During an interview after being released from a hospital after a beating a reporter asked why he didn’t fight back, and Martin Luther King Jr. basically said that he refused to replace one tyranny with another.  He believed in what Christ taught and he applied that to his life and to what he taught his followers.

I looked at the young man and said, “Who do you learn about in school today when it comes to civil liberties for black people?” He answered somberly.  “Who has a street named after him in every major town and city across this country?” He answered somberly.

Perhaps the best part of this illustration was, when I tried to get him to tell me at the beginning of my illustration who the other man was who was fighting for the rights of black people (i.e. Malcolm X), he couldn’t think of his name!  I simply looked at him smiling and said, “You’re only helping me with my point.”

When I finally climbed down from my sermon box, I highlighted history for him.  The people we remember most, or at least celebrate the most, are the people who sacrificed the most.  Christ leading the charge.
He got the point.

Your favorite Christmas movie

How can you tell if you’re too stressed out?

I want to be completely honest with my online community, as I’m writing this sentence, I realized that I’ve always been completely honest with all my communities, so I’m not sure why I needed to write the first part of this sentence.

Launching a new counseling center can be daunting. Being the director of the new counseling center can be even more daunting, especially when you know that the particular skill sets needed for being a director do not necessarily fit your natural set of skills.

I’m completely comfortable in the role of founder for the Smalley Marriage and Family Center, as for the role of Director, now that’s a different story. My center needs me to be the director, so I’m the director, and I fasted and prayed to help get to that decision. I firmly believe that God has placed me in this role and I’m learning and growing in ways I would never have if I hadn’t stepped in as director. The best part, is that God gets all the credit for anything that goes right for the center, because it clearly has nothing to do with me being the director

How can you tell if you’re stressed out? That is the title of this post, well…take a look at the following picture, it’s the product I used this morning on my hair because I thought it was hairspray. I actually read the stinking label!

Praying together as a couple

Psalms 69:13  “But I pray to you, O LORD, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation.”

What is intimacy?  Often we have an unbalanced view of what intimacy is and how it manifests itself in our marriage.  There are really two sides to intimacy between a husband and a wife.  One side is the physical aspect of intimacy and the other the emotional.  Prayer is a great way to build emotional intimacy into your marriage.  Many times we don’t know how to pray and we allow this to prevent us from a life of prayer, especially with our spouse.  I’d like to explain the elements of a healthy prayer life through one of my own experiences.

I’m not like the typical male, I’ve always longed to be married.  When asked in elementary school about what I wanted to be when I grew up, I simply responded, “Married, and a daddy.”  I only remember this because my third-grade teacher never let me forget it.

But what happened at the end of my junior year in college made me realize how serious I was about getting married.  I’d been praying quite fervently to meet my wife, and I had a specific girl in mind.

It was my freshman year at Baylor University when I met my future wife, Amy.  She was one of Baylor’s cheerleaders and I had met her during her tryout to make the squad.  Amy had left such an impression on me that I actually trained to become a cheerleader myself (Baylor had men and women as cheerleaders).  The next year I tried out for the squad and made the team, of coarse it had nothing to do with the fact that they needed six guys and only five tried out; and I did this just to get closer to Amy, whom I’d barely spoken with!

My personality is such that I don’t always check out all the facts.  In my zeal to make the team so I could get closer to Amy I’d forgotten to even check to see if she was dating anyone seriously.  And as it turned out, she was engaged!  I was devastated and spent the next two years of my college life just as friends with Amy, not even seriously dating during that time. Not dating at all, for that matter.

But it was during this time that I developed some good prayer habits.  To me, Amy was the ideal woman.  She had everything I could have hoped for in a wife and quite frankly I couldn’t imagine finding a better woman to marry.  Considering that she was already getting married to another man, my prayer went something like, “God, you know who my heart wants to marry.  I’m not going to lie or try to feel something different.  I want to marry Amy.  But (and here was the key to my prayer life) if Amy is not the one, I can’t wait to meet the girl I will marry, because I know that she will be even better!”

So the key to a good prayer life is two-fold.  First, we must pray for what we desire.  God knows all of our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.  Why try to fool God or fool ourselves.  Too often we pray for things that we don’t actually hunger for.  God wants us to be real, and being real means that we must be truthful.  I wanted to marry Amy, even though she was still engaged.  This did not stop me from praying for her and our potential future together.  The second part, and perhaps the most important, was that I was willing to accept God’s will, even if it didn’t match my own.  This is when you add to the end of your prayer something like, “But God, if this isn’t what you want for my life, then I can’t wait to find out what your plan is.”  We must wait in anticipation for God’s fulfillment of our prayer, and know that God’s way is the best way!

My desire for your marriage is that you utilize these simple rules as you pray together.  Continually keeping in mind that a better prayer life together means a better life together.  You might be getting tired of these prayer posts, but I’m not

How to pray as a couple

In my recent post on how to pray, I gave some easy guidelines on how you might approach prayer as a discipline.  Nicole left a comment asking how she could pray better with her husband.  This makes me very happy ;-)  Thanks for making me happy Nicole, and then inspiring me to write at 5:30 a.m. in the morning (I now have to admit that I have a blogging problem).

If you want to pray together as a couple, there are several important things you need to keep in mind.  First, read my post on prayer.  You want to make sure you understand the basic principles of good praying before you tackle praying together.  If your fundamentals are off individually, then they’ll be off as a couple as well.  Secondly, make sure your spouse wants to pray with you.

If your spouse is not at the same place as you spiritually, then don’t press the issue, you’ll only make things worse.  You’ll become a major stumbling block to your spouse spiritually. Is it good to pray together as a couple?  Yes.  Is it the end of the world if you don’t pray together as a couple?  No.

Christ wants you.  Christ wants your spouse.  Christ would love to have both of you praying together, but that does not give you cart blanche to ridicule your spouse for not wanting to pray with you, and in fact, that probably should clue you in to why your spouse doesn’t want to pray with you in the first place.  Be kind.  Be gracious.  Be patient.  Be merciful.

These are the kinds of attitudes that will attract your spouse, and in fact pull your spouse closer to Christ.  Nagging, bullying, bothering, pestering, bossing, condemning, or judging will only drive your spouse further away.

If you and your spouse do desire to pray together, here are some easy things to help foster a healthy prayer life together:

• Keep it short and simple: don’t feel the urge to spend a vast amount of time in prayer, it is unrealistic because of time and kids.
• Don’t worry about the Jones’: your prayer life together is going to be unique to you as a couple and does not have to look like any other couple.  If you set up a high expectation like, “let’s pray every morning at 5:00 a.m.”, then you’ll probably fail and get discouraged.  Be realistic with your prayer life and allow yourselves to pray together when it comes naturally during the week.
• Instead of complaining to each other about something try praying about it.  Use your need to complain as a trigger to pray together, not every time, but give it a try and see what happens.
• Don’t tell each other how to pray or evaluate each other’s prayer life.  Stick to yourself and take personal responsibility for your own prayer walk and be gracious toward one another in your prayer time.  If you don’t, then your spouse will not be encouraged to pray with you.

Surviving the Christmas family picture

We did it, we survived the family Christmas picture, but if I’m honest, we barely survived. I melted down, Amy melted down, and David melted down. Cole and Reagan did good, actually, but honestly, the best behaving members of our family were the two dogs!

It really wasn’t that bad, I’ve just made a history of making the experience less than enjoyable for my beautiful wife, so she’s usually a tad on the defensive the morning of the big shoot.

But somehow, like most families I believe, we were able to push through the death threats, yelling, hurt feelings, and total chaos to crack a smile just at the right moment to end up with a final product that looked something like…

Merry Christmas everyone, from a very happy Smalley family.

(You’ll have to excuse our dog Einstein, the bigger one of the two, who obviously looks stoned. I swear he’s never touched drugs in his life )

The importance of taking care of yourself so that you can better love others

Did you know that taking care of your self is actually part of the great commandment? “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And love your neighbor in the same way that you love yourself.” When you love God with every part of your being, he fills you up to overflowing with his amazing love. Out of that overflow, you can give to others.

When I think of the wisdom and scope of God’s plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. (Ephesians 3: 14-20)

We tend to plug into people. We are designed to relate, so it’s only natural for us to expect that people or animals will “fill” us up to satisfaction in life. And then, some fear that others will reject them and they’ll lose the opportunity to be filled because they are not good enough, tall or pretty enough.

We tend to plug into things. Earning money is our number one thing people seek to be filled up. Money brings all the things that people think will fill them with living water like, cars, food, stimulants, travel, etc. These things can actually drain us and contribute to the negative emotions we wish we could lose. Whenever we take our eyes off of God alone, we have expectations on His creation. It’s okay to have all of these earthly things, as long as they are all overflow and not our main sources of expectation.

Three components of good Self Care.

1. Receiving- You must open your heart to God and others in order to receive what you need.
2. Attending- You must learn to attend to your own legitimate needs and desires. Remember, your feelings provide information essential for effective self care.
3. Giving- Responding to the needs and desires of others. There is no way that you can take care of yourself without truly giving and serving others. If you are not giving, - if you are focused only on receiving and getting full- then you are working against your own best interests.

Is Self Care selfish? Good self care is a godly thing. Jesus practiced self care. People often avoid self care because they think that it is selfish. But the opposite is true. The fuller you are, the more you have to give. The more you have to give, the more you are able to serve others. Think of the airlines and how they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on any children traveling with you. Good self care blesses God. Taking good care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for your family, friends, and co-workers.

Ask Yourself:

• List three ways that you could take care of yourself in each of the four categories: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
• In what ways would good self care improve your relationships?
• What are some “small steps” that you could take to start your self care today?

How to pray

I was reading my daily bible reader this morning; which is a truly handy thing, I must admit.  I pick up my palm based phone and go to my daily reader and it tells me what to read for the day.  I’ve never been this consistent on reading the bible in my life.

Prayer is such an intimate and powerful way to change your life, but it can be frustrating, confusing, and down right irritating when you don’t understand the basics.  I was reminded today of how to pray.  I mentor clients and friends about this each week, but I realized that I haven’t spent much time on the topic for my blog - well - today that ends.

Do not be afraid of prayer.  It is not reserved for the mighty, the powerful, or the ultra spiritual.  It is meant for the honest, the meek, the humble, and the weak.  Prayer is also not complicated.  Take a look at the example Jesus gives in Matthew 26:39, and let me remind you, this prayer comes right before he is to be taken to be crucified.  So if ever you’re going to be praying hard for something, this is the time!

“My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine.”

Here is what I believe about prayer, and it is what my father passed on to me,  pray first for what you believe and desire in your heart.  There is nothing wrong about what you believe and desire in life.  God gave you a brain, use it to the best of your ability.  If you think moving to Florida for a new job is in the best interest of your family, then pray for that job with all your heart, but don’t forget how Jesus ended His prayer, because that’s the most important element of our prayer life.

We, like Jesus, should always end our prayers with a humble submission to God.  “God, ultimately, I only want what is best and in accordance to your will…Amen.” Always end the prayer asking for God’s will to be done, even if it doesn’t match our own.

What teenagers really mean when they say, “Whatever”.

“Whatever” seems to be the only word we hear from our teenage children when we’re trying to effectively discipline them. How can we bridge the linguistic divide without having to stoop to “whatever” ourselves?

“Whatever” usually comes quickly after a consequence or a demand offered from a parent. Something like, “You know I told you the next time you left your room a mess that I’d ground you for the night. . .so you’re grounded.” When the lively teen will reply, “Whatever”.

When teens say “Whatever”, a common translation could be, “Dang, that stinks, I can’t believe I screwed up again and am now going to face the music”. Respond to your teen with consistency and follow-through when they say, “Whatever”.

They don’t mean it and it is typically just a delay tactic to throw you off your parenting game. Keep strong and realize your teen is growing up and pushing his or her boundaries.

What I’m trying to say is, “whatever” they say. . .they usually mean the opposite.

Why don’t you just quit on your marriage

As one of the Sopranos might say, “Forget about it!” Don’t hassle with an unsatisfying marriage. If you are not happy move on to a better life and a better spouse. You’ve tried everything possible. You simply married the wrong person. You are probably feeling, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.” The passion has died. The romance is long gone. Don’t waste another minute in a depressing and doomed to fail marriage. Give up!

Sometimes I want to say these very things to couples who come to me for help. Couples pleading for a better life. Couples desperate to turn a hurting marriage into a healing marriage. But you want to know something ridiculous? Once I try to give them advise I get dismissed with comments like: “Oh, we’ve tried that.” “That won’t work for us.” “It’s more complicated than that.” “You’re asking a lot.” “He will never respond.” “She will never stop.” “It’s too late for us.” “We’ve just fallen out of love.” (which is my most hated comment of all.)

So I’ll say it once more, why don’t you just give up! Throw in the towel. Kick the bucket. Bon voyage. Hasta la vista baby.

I want to give you permission to leave a bad marriage. Because if you refuse to admit you want out, then there is no place for you to begin healing. Sometimes we need to be honest about our current state of feelings. If we try to deny that we want out, then we will never be able to truly face the real reasons our marriage is hurting. So just go ahead and say it to yourself (do not say any of this to your spouse), “I want out.” Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let the healing begin!

Because there are 3 reasons you don’t want to abandon your marriage:

1. Research shows that if you can simply wait it out, your marriage will take a turn for the better. There was a study done out of Chicago years ago that simply followed several hundred couples. It tested their marital happiness and their satisfaction with life. At least half of the marriages were stressed out and dissatisfied with their marriage and their life. Five years later they tested the same couples again and found out something quite amazing. For the couples who ended up divorcing, they were still just as unhappy with their life and their relationships. For the couples who stayed together, they reported being happy with their marriage and satisfied with their life. Sometimes it pays to have a little patience when it comes to marital difficulty.
2. Your children are a huge reason to stay together and resolve your conflict. Research is very clear that children of divorce have a harder time resisting peer pressure, succeeding in school, and succeeding in their future relationships. There was a time when therapists and psychiatrists felt couples should divorce despite the children because it was worse to stay together. Well that time has passed.
3. If you don’t resolve the difficulties in your current marriage, they will simply haunt you in your second marriage. This is the most depressing news of all to couples who divorce, especially if they have children together. Because what they realize, often very quickly, is that the same negative patterns that destroyed their first marriage are creeping into their second. Why? Because divorce doesn’t solve anything. It only makes everything more complicated and hard. This is why divorce rates are so much higher for second marriages. The real tragedy is they eventually have to learn to get along and repair the damage. Then they find themselves smacking their heads saying, “Why didn’t we figure this out when we were married?”

As coach Jimmy Valvano, who was dieing of cancer at the time he made this famous statement, would say, “Never give up!” It is not worth the pain of divorce. You can get help. There are therapists and relationship coaches who know what it takes to turn your marriage around. It will take effort. It will take time. But it is worth the energy because God will truly bless those who never quit.

How to get your wife to respond sexually: The Mark Driscoll scandal

I was reading a post by Rebecca on the recent Mark Discoll fiasco post where he basically told pastors wives that the reason their husbands get involved in porn and extramarital affairs is because they don’t perform like a Song of Solomon wife sexually.

I know he wasn’t trying to be that harsh and he wasn’t intending to create the furor that has now surrounded his church, I know this because of his more recent posts. I want to commend Mark on his responses and his maturity in handling the difficult press and immature people blasting him from all four corners of the globe.

This does bring up an interesting question, though, how do you get a wife to respond sexually? I’ve written before that men bond emotionally through sex with their wives, so this is important to a man.

So guys, you might want to pay attention to what I’m about to write.

There is no general formula! You can read as many guy magazine as you’d like that tell you the top 10 ways to turn a woman on, and some of them might actually work, and some of them will totally fail you (not that I know this from experience, I swear).

Here’s the most important thing you will learn from me today. If you want to have a Song of Solomon kind of marriage. Where the sexual intimacy is expressive, free, and promising. Then you must understand the needs and desires of your wife. Work up the courage to have a conversation with your wife about what she likes and what she doesn’t like. Ask questions like, “What really turns you on during the day that would make the night fantastic for you?” or “What do you need from me that would really make a difference in our sex life together?”

You start asking and she’ll start giving.

Making the most of the Christmas season-Part Three

Value your family traditions

The dictionary definition of tradition is: 1) the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation. 2) a long-established custom or belief passed on in this way.

Every family has traditions. Sometimes they may seem a little corny, other times they are quite meaningful. As a kid growing up, there was one very special tradition for us at this time of year. Every Christmas Eve, my dad would gather us around and read “Twas the Night Before Christmas”. I have very vivid and fond memories of those readings and we have pictures in our family albums.

In my husband’s family, Christmas Eve was always a huge celebration. His mom was Italian and his dad is Polish, so there was a wonderful mix of traditions wrapped up in that evening. A huge feast of all fish began the evening, and it ended with the giving of gifts. One special moment was the sharing of the oplatek. The oplatek is the core of Christmas Eve celebration throughout Poland. The oplatek is a bread wafer like those used during holy communion in many different Christian religions. It is rectangular in shape. Pieces of the oplatek are distributed to each member of the family. Your piece is taken around the room to each individual member of the family, where you break a piece and exchange it while wishing each other a Merry Christmas. It is a great moment of sharing. We still hold these traditions every year.

As we grow older and get married, we not only continue the traditions of old, but we develop our own. In our family of four, we’ve developed a few. Our boys set up a second Christmas tree upstairs. While the majority of their gifts are left under the downstairs tree, one gift has always been left under the smaller tree. It was originally meant to keep them busy until my husband and I could get out of bed, but it’s developed into something else. They really look forward to those gifts. As mentioned in a previous post, we also developed the tradition of lighting a candle Christmas morning and singing happy birthday to Jesus before opening any gifts. We started this so we would keep the reason we were celebrating in the center of our focus. As the kids have gotten older, we focus more on prayer Christmas morning, thanking Him for His many blessings. My brother has young children and they have adopted this tradition now.

Every tradition holds its importance to every family. It’s wonderful to hear the stories of the grandparents and family members that are no longer with us and how valuable they were to the family. In my opinion, the point of traditions is not necessarily what you’re doing (although it may have great meaning), but why you’re doing it. To me, the idea is to share time and memories with your family. The idea is to celebrate your family and to preserve family history. This year, enjoy whatever tradition your family celebrates. And maybe start a new one.

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