Resolving conflict in ways you’d never guess

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

After twenty-five years of being single, Sandy was finally marrying the man of her dreams. Sandy, had been dating Larry for four years and thought she knew him inside-out. Their courtship had its ups and downs, but all things considered, she knew their love was so strong that living happily ever after would be as natural as waking up in the morning.

The wedding day finally came, and it was everything she had dreamed about-Larry really was Prince Charming. Then came the honeymoon. Almost immediately she began to see a side of Larry she didn’t know existed. On the fourth day of the honeymoon, Larry decided Sandy would enjoy seeing where he used to work in the summers during college. So they began their five-mile hike at the 8,000-foot level of the High Sierras (something every woman dreams of doing on the fourth day of her honeymoon). By the time they arrived at their destination, she was exhausted. Since they had to be back at the lodge by dark, they had time for only a short rest.

By the time they got back to the camp, she had a new concept of physical exhaustion. Prince Charming was tired too, so they immediately went to bed. (Actually, he leaped and she crawled.) To her total amazement, the Prince didn’t want to go to sleep-he had more exciting things in mind. From that point on, she began to see marriage as a growing conflict between two self-natures that wanted their own needs met before considering the needs of another.

She had entered marriage thinking Larry would be dedicating himself to meeting her needs. After all, he said in his wedding vows that he would love and cherish her for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, until death. In his particular vows, which he had written, he even said he committed himself to provide for all of her needs for the rest of his life. But the vows were quickly becoming mere ceremonial words, and her needs were obviously becoming secondary to his.

She thought she could change him through confrontation by demanding in various ways that he become considerate of her needs. After eight years, things had only become worse. She finally resigned herself to the fact that her relationship with Larry would never improve. Larry, of course, was convinced that the marriage problems were Sandy’s fault. He considered her demanding and argumentative. She no longer respected or appreciated him as she had when they were dating.

Today, six years later, Larry is no longer the same self-centered, inconsiderate, demanding husband that he was. Sandy’s eyes sparkle when she talks about all the ways he shows his love for her daily, the way he considers her desires even above his own needs. He has become the sensitive husband she always dreamed about. He provides all the strength she’ll ever need and yet loves her with gentleness and care. WHAT HAPPENED?  Simply stated, Sandy began using THREE important principles whenever she approached Larry about his insensitivity to her.

No one likes to be criticized, regardless of how much truth lies behind the criticism. Whether, we are male or female, six or sixty, when someone corrects us, we automatically become defensive. Yet honest communication is vital to marriage. These two basic truths appear contradictory. How do you honestly tell the one you love about something you find displeasing or aggravating without prompting,, that familiar, defensive glare or indifferent shrug?

The following three principles outline a method of approaching your husband.  A husband is far more apt to receive your comments about his insensitivity when he hears them expressed through these three principles.

1.  Learn to express your feelings through three loving attitudes: warmth, empathy, and sincerity.  These are common words, but what do they mean?  Warmth is the friendly acceptance of a person. Empathy is the ability to understand and identify with a person’s feelings.  Sincerity is showing a genuine concern for a person without changing your attitude toward him when circumstances change.
2.  Learn to share your feelings when angry or irritated without using “you” statements and instead replacing them with “I feel” statements.
3.  Learn to wait until your anger or feelings of irritability have subsided before you begin to discuss a sensitive issue.

Lord, help me express myself in such a way that my spouse knows deeply of my love and admiration

“The Real Toy Story”: the dark side of the toy industry

Reading the USA Today this morning I stumbled across a book review by Michelle Archer that bothered me. Her book review was informative, the book looks good, but the content of the book is what is truly causing me concern:

“Santa’s Sweatshop” could be a book on its own. It’s a quick but chilling ride through China, where about 8,000 toy factories and 3 million workers produce the bulk of U.S. toys. The reason, of course, is cost. Of the $9.99 retail price of a Chinese-made Barbie doll in 2000, Clark writes, only 35 cents went to the producers in China for the factory and the labor.

Despite codes, labor conditions in Chinese factories are still often atrocious. Clark writes a composite of the appalling everyday life of a worker, constructed from reports and clandestine interviews.

The young worker suffers chronic ailments from exposure to toxic chemicals, endures slumlike dormitory conditions and forced overtime, and owes her employer half her earnings to cover her ID card, nearly inedible food, electricity and benefits. Another worker was literally run to death on the factory floor, a victim of a new disease called guolaosi: death from overwork.

Though many a toy buyer has probably suspected the products are the fruits of sweatshops, reading about the policies of some Chinese factories certainly will give grown-ups pause the next time they browse the toy aisles.

Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to talk with my two older kids about this new information. Cole and Reagan are ages 10 and 8 and are getting to that age where they can begin to understand world events.

They actually accompanied Amy and I last August when we went to South Africa and saw first hand how the majority of the world lives, and it made an impact in their lives! I’m not going to take their toy away, if that is what your thinking But I do want to start a dialog about what people around the world are going through to make some of their toys. This is ridiculous, and when our eyes get opened, what are we going to do about it?

I’m horrified and a little embarrassed that I was unaware of the conditions of how some of the toys I’m buying for my children are made. I want my children to know that we do not want to support these kinds of manufacturing practices. I know it can often feel like “I’m only one family.” But isn’t that where it starts?

I’m curious what you think about this information? What do you think we should do?

More from the frontlines of love

I’ve been so impressed from one of our readers, so I had to include one of his latest emails to me:

You are correct!  Great things can happen when a Christian spouse is kind.  If anything, others can witness her kindness and ‘example’ of the right thing to do.

I will take a little credit, I had to be willing to change my ways.  But, my wife’s devotion to me was such a strong motivator.  As bad as I was and as much as I ‘enjoyed’ my addiction, I valued my marriage to my wife more than my sinful [addictive] behavior.

She is singing a solo Sunday night.  It is “My Anchor Holds”.

Another lesson on the power of love (to quote Huey Lewis).

What family is all about

I wanted to share with you all an email I just responded to from a friend:

Thanks so much for what you did that day of the intensive, it really meant a lot to me and really helped Amy calm down! I also heard Blair stopped by the hospital to check on David, and that touched the family as well. You two are very special to us and thanks for being so loving.

He is doing better each day. He’s got fluid on his lungs right now, I don’t think it’s too serious, but his breathing is so labored that it’s not fun to listen to ;-( He sure does love seeing his kids and grand kids though, it is precious to see that man light up. He means so much to his family and his family means so much to him.

This email got me thinking about why it is so important to keep your relationships in harmony. Life is relationships the rest is just details. How sad would it be if David, my father-in-law, had spent a lifetime focusing on himself and crushing the people around him through selfishness, pride, and ego? He would be alone. I’ve seen it. Men in their 60’s alone in the hospital recovering from bypass surgery with no one visiting because they were too careless and prideful to repair the relationships most important in their lives.

Don’t let that be your legacy. Take the time to make your family your priority. David has never had a lot of money, but at times like this, money doesn’t seem too important… does it.

My first podcast: Don’t be so resistent to help

This is in response to all the heat about a woman’s need for sex! You won’t want to miss this podcast

Click here to download the MP3 file or to launch your own computers music player.

An update on my father-in-law

I want to say thank you for all your prayers! The surgery went incredibly well yesterday. He was able to have what they call an Off-pump Heart Bypass Surgery. This is far better than the older method and it means he will recovery much quicker and with less pain

It was suppose to be a five-hour surgery, but to our total amazement, we were called in under three-hours and he was already waking up and wanting to get out of bed! If you know my father-in-law, his actions make total sense
He is doing well and in good care. Many friends and family are surrounding him with community, but I must leave you with this quote from his adoring and loving wife (my mother-in-law) who said this late last night, to my wife, as she rubbed his head late into the evening hours, “I just love him so much.”

That’s what over 40 years of marriage gives you.

To spank or not to spank: that is the poll of the week

A prayer for my father-in-law

I’ve written posts on prayer and am now asking for your prayer. My father-in-law, David Johnston, is going in for quadruple bypass surgery tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m. CST. This has come as a total shock to the family, as it always does, and your support is appreciated, and your prayers a blessing to my family and my wife’s family as well.

The Daffodil Principle: and what it means to your relationship

(editor’s note)

I imagine some of you have read this story that has made its round through the email system, but if you haven’t…enjoy.

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, “Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over.” I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead “I will come next Tuesday”, I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn’s house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

“Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!”

My daughter smiled calmly and said, “We drive in this all the time, Mother.” “Well, you won’t get me back on the road until it clears, and then I’m heading for home!” I assured her.

“But first we’re going to see the daffodils. It’s just a few blocks,”
Carolyn said. “I’ll drive. I’m used to this.” “Carolyn,” I said sternly, “please turn around.” “It’s all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience.”

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, ” Daffodil Garden .” We got out of the car, each took a child’s hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

“Who did this?” I asked Carolyn. “Just one woman,” Carolyn answered.

“She lives on the property. That’s her home.” Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. “Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking”, was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. “50,000 bulbs,” it read. The second answer was, “One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain.” The third answer was, “Began in 1958.”

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop.
Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time–often just one baby-step at time–and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world …

“It makes me sad in a way,” I admitted to Carolyn. “What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it ‘one bulb at a time’ through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!”

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. “Start tomorrow,” she said. She was right. It’s so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, “How can I put this to use today?”

You can apply the same message to your most important relationships.

Speaking your mind

I am a naturally confrontational person. That means that I usually confront issues and people sooner rather than later. I don’t let things go until they have taken on a life of their own or get blown out of proportion. One of the reasons I’m that way, is that I do not like being at odds with the people I care about, and I also have a need to see problems solved quickly.

Because I am this way, I have learned that I have to be very careful about the way I approach people and situations. I can be pretty straight forward, and I have never been accused of mincing words. Sometimes that approach can be hurtful even though it is not my intention.

Speaking your mind is a good thing. At least I think so. It’s always better to be honest about your feelings rather than hide them. But we should never think our right to speak our mind gives us the right to be hurtful to others. We have to be mindful of what we say and how it’s said.

I’ve read a lot of resources on communication. I’ve learned how essential communication is in any relationship. We cannot assume that the people in our lives know what we are thinking all the time. I’ve also learned several other things that help me with communicating correctly:

1. Our words are only a part of the way we communicate. We do need to choose them carefully and think before we speak. Blurting out whatever comes into our heads is often not a good thing.

2. Our body language is also a crucial part of communication. If we’re rolling our eyes, sighing or shrugging our shoulders while someone is trying to speak to us, we’re sending a very negative message.

3. Our tone of voice is also important. This has always been a weak spot for me and I never even realized it. Speaking with sarcasm or a condescending tone is hurtful.

I have found out how important it is to speak openly and honestly. But I have also discovered that we have a responsibility to the people we love to communicate correctly. Never choose the heat of the moment to let it all out. It almost never comes out right during those moments and you can’t always take back your hurtful words. Sometimes we need to take five, take a deep breath and think through what we have to say and the best way to say it. Speaking your mind is a good thing, but it will go a lot farther when you speak in love and with care.

Through faith you can love your spouse…even if your spouse keeps on hurting you!

Do you know what God has called you to do specifically in loving people? God’s ultimate will for all of us is to Love Him with all of our heart and love others in the same way that we would like to be loved. So, what specifically has God called you to do for people that will reflect how you are loving them in the same ways that you are taking care of yourself?

The Bible calls the vision that God has given you in loving people faith. He gives everyone a measure of faith. The question is, what did God give you? How much faith, what is the picture you have in your mind that reflects your own calling to love others?

Watch how powerful this idea is explained in the Bible.

Mark 11:22-24 says:

And Jesus answered saying to them, “Have faith in God. “Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. “Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.”

Notice that as soon as the faith that God has given you reaches your heart, as a belief, and you no longer doubt the faith that God has given you, you will receive what you believe God has laid upon your heart.

The same truth is explained in Luke 11:10

“For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened.”

The word “asks” means to cry out for, crave for or beg. It’s the idea of continuing to knock on a door when you must have something very important to you. So, you keep knocking until the person opens the door. That’s what Jesus is saying here. When God gives you a dream of loving people, just keep knocking on His door until He opens it.

Learning from Eve (dealing with doubt)

The very demons we face can literally be traced back to the original fall of humanity. Eve bought into the lie that she was lacking something. She was lured into thinking she had to have what was forbidden, completely deceived, and left believing that the creator was holding out on her. If she could just get one bite of the apple, then she would be satisfied and whole, valuable and in control. From the window of today looking back, her view was clouded by a subtle, underhanded doubt; a mistrust in the very heart of God; not able to grasp that His commands and reasoning were beyond her. She wanted to be the one to define life, she wanted to set boundaries on her own terms, and she was driven by a deep longing to have power and ultimate knowledge. She was convinced that trust in God was unmerited, and her view of Him and His plans for her became skewed. So called “common sense” told her that moral conviction was wrong, and that maybe the snake was right.
We have the same problem today. Doubt is too often what drives us. What we think will solve our problems, making us more complete, only leaves us confused, naked, and vulnerable. I can hear her now: “what is so bad about knowing everything? One bite won’t hurt.” The real problem is that it doesn’t matter what the voices around us say, or what seems to make sense. The issue is the fact that if God commands we must obey, if God promises, we must believe! We are cursed today with this same lack of trust, plagued by an unrelenting attribute of craving power and control; forever struggling against catering to the whispering lure of promises for more.
We fight loneliness because doubt has sealed the treasure of our souls closed to our greatest pursuer. Eve’s failure is often our fate as well; we question and wager over what we think will bring knowledge, success, and fulfillment.  Too many stained memories have been formed by my seeking resolution outside the orders and authority of my God. When it comes down to it, I have all that I could ever need, yet my mind falls prey to lies from the enemy; telling me that I am missing out because God is holding something back from me. If I am not careful, this deep seated doubt can trickle down to the very core of my soul, leaving me blind and blaming misconceptions in a spiritual temper tantrum.
 

Blessed Eve! Her mistake somehow gives us hope! Praise God that we can learn from her tragedy! Just because we share the same genetic make up, the same inherent qualities, and the same tendency to doubt; it doesn’t mean we are destined to slip on the same banana peel. We have the advantage of scripture, the encouragement of reading about the constant and unchanging faithfulness of our Savior! “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”(Jer 29:11). His character cannot orchestrate anything but the best for us, his children. Oh how He loves us wholly, completely, and deeply! “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious to [or: concerning] me are your thoughts, O God!” (Psalm 139:16-17 NIV). Dear reader, we must learn to trust His plans concerning us, and we must gird our minds with the discipline of  thinking “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is jut, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable” (Ph 4: 8). Let us learn to believe in His richness and sovereignty; and may we live and act accordingly!
 

When you are kind to a hurtful spouse…great things can happen!

I want everyone to read this man’s recent comment, so I’m posting it:

My dear wife had every reason to be angry with me to the point of leaving me and filing for divorce. No one would have blamed her. I was willing to ‘release her’ [from our marriage] so she could do what God wanted her to do.

But, my wife chose to stay AND be an Ephesians 4:32 Christian [woman]. She chose to “be kind to one another” even when kindness towards someone you love who was not always kind [that would be me] to her.

God got my attention with a Spiritual rebuke [immediate consequences], but His grace kept returning daily when my dear wife would great me with a smile and a kind word.

I know some of you want to argue how this woman responded, but don’t, let it sink in. You can never lose when you do the right thing. God blesses those who bless others. Always remember this, especially when your spouse is being a big jerk, that if you choose the higher road, it gives the relationship the best chance to survive and your spouse the best chance to respond in kind.

My spouse and I are so different…how can we possibly get along?

First of all, I hope that you are different from your spouse because God created us all unique for a purpose. Often we hear that opposites attract, but don’t really know what that means until we get into an intimate relationship with someone and after the sparks start to simmer realize that they are not like us. They probably don’t think like us, act like us, have the same expectations or the same needs. This is when the relationship gets fun because we have a puzzle to solve in how to relate to someone that we don’t fully understand. It makes life interesting.

In my counseling practice I often have young couples that come in and say that they are so different that they think that they might have irreconcilable differences. I find that they are often attracted to each other because of the differences and then they experience resistance when they proceed to try to mold the other person into a clone of themselves instead of celebrating the differences and how they complement each other.

To help the couples get insight into their uniqueness I get a history of their relationship and then often do something called a genogram that maps their family of origins three generations back like a family tree. To construct the genogram I ask them about their parents, grandparents, children and siblings from both families. I get a history of marriages, divorces, deaths, occupations, health concerns, religious affiliations, history of relationships and general perceptions of their families of origin. If you have not done this with your spouse it would be a fun project. They tend to see patterns in the family that enlighten them to how they developed their values and beliefs and how they differ from one another. Sometimes they repeat patterns not knowing it because that is all they have ever seen and do not know how to do it any other way. Often the weaknesses in one family are the strengths in the other and they can see how their differences complement each other. When they realize that this is a blessing then they can often respect and appreciate their differences and stop feeling like the other person needs to be like them and agree with them.

It’s when we can celebrate our differences that we can appreciate each other. Scripture tells us that we are all part of the body of Christ with each having a different function as part of that body. God intends for us to be different to Glorify Him. Enjoy the people that God has given you in your life to complete you instead of trying to mold them into a clone of yourself.

Do you want to just live life or live large?

There seem to be a couple of ways to live life that became apparent to me recently when my daughter fell in love with a man who just wants to live life instead of living for eternal purposes. Living a life based on values and beliefs that serve something beyond us or just a comfortable earthly existence isn’t easy, in fact there is a fair amount of suffering associated with it. My daughter grew up in a family that has a godly love for one another that allows growth because our love for each other is unconditional. We challenge each other to grow which does not always mean that our relationships are easy. To live large - our greater purpose is to glorify God and that is very different than what the world tells us. In fact, often it is completely contrary to what the world holds in high esteem. It is like one of those pictures that if you look really close you see an image within the picture – or the matrix. The world sees fleshly needs as important – health, wealth, happiness, pleasure, power, status and generally a comfortable existence, but the things of God are very different. The things of God require sacrifice, other-centeredness, humility, and integrity. On the surface this doesn’t look very appealing because it is difficult and requires us to constantly grow and change, but ultimately living for God brings real meaning, purpose and deep joy. Just living life can bring some happiness and pleasure, but ultimately we are left feeling incomplete and unsatisfied because we are not living up to what God created us for.

Now what does this have to do with my daughter? My daughter fell in love with this man and their ideas of love are very different. She reserved her heart for this man and really believed that he loved her because he told her that. Now, in our family love means something that you can count on. Within a loving relationship you are allowed to be yourself and challenge others without fear of rejection or abandonment. We are not just living life, but trying to help each other live large and that is what love means to us. Love also means commitment to that other person – that whatever happens that you will be there for them and so you can rest in the security of the relationship. The world tells us that love is a feeling – well, feelings come and go. They aren’t something that you can count on. When this man told our daughter that he loved her and wanted to build a life together she assumed it was the kind of love and commitment that she had experienced all of her life. His meaning for love was quite different. It meant that as long as he still had a feeling for her he was there and if he was happy and they enjoyed being together and it was financially prudent he was there, but not if it was difficult or he was challenged to grow. Well, she learned this lesson the hard way when he broke off their engagement.

It seems some people just want to live life, but can’t see beyond the picture apparent to the world that means living large – or living to glorify God. I guess that I can’t blame them. Living for God is not easy and outwardly does not seem so appealing, but having experienced both I would never go back. No matter what the sacrifice to live large - it is worth it. Even if I had to die a death like Christ it would still be worth it because of the deep joy and meaning that I experience as a result of living large. My heart yearns for those who have not seen the picture within the picture because there is no greater gift than to look back in life and know that you have existed for something with lasting meaning and purpose.

Am I the only wife who has a need for sex?

The issue:

I also am in the category of women who feel they NEED sex and I have a husband who doesn’t seem to, or at least not very often. And I have often felt like I’m the only wife who has this problem. There certainly aren’t any books out there that address the issue this way. Maybe the Smalley’s could look into it… (read this comment and others)

The answer:

First off let me say that you are most certainly not the only wife out there with these feelings, and I consistently get this issue in the counseling room. I’d say I get almost just as many wives complaining about sex as men in the counseling room, in terms of “not enough sex!” You do not need to feel alone in this, I imagine you do, because society has taught women (especially Christian women, which I’m making an assumption with you on this one) that good Christian women do not want nor discuss sex - and this is a tragedy.

My wife and I are addressing this issue, and we’ve started to with our DVD on sexual intimacy, it’s not an in-depth look into your specific issue, but what I like about our DVD titled, The Secret to Sexual Intimacy, is that it is not a prude’s guide to sexual intimacy! We give all sorts of fun and interesting tips for couples to help them add energy and “newness” to their sexual life together (entirely appropriate and no dirty images of any kind!).

We are working on a new marriage book that would address sexual intimacy more in-depth and we would address specifically what you are struggling with specifically. It is a big topic, but more importantly, you will want to know why your husband is not interested in sex as much as you are. It sounds like you’re frustrated, so make sure that you have the communication skills necessary to share your feelings around this issue as to not create more fear, frustration, or hurt for your husband (and yourself).

If you find that you can not resolve this by yourselves, then you need to simply find a pastor or counselor to help, you can always try our marriage and family center her in The Woodlands, Texas for a one-day marriage restoration intensive.

My next bit of advice would be to make sure your husband doesn’t have anything biological going on, that is the first question I ask any client going through sexual intimacy issues. You always want to rule out biology before you move into psychology or emotional issues. His testosterone level might be too low or other physiological issues might be at hand that are easily solvable.

Who was your favorite couple at the Red Carpet?

Filed Under: Celebrity Love, Poll of the week
Tagged:

Loving each other as if our lives depended on it: a family devotional

January 17, 2007 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

What do you do when a family member really hurts you? How are you suppose to respond? In fact, what is the most effective response to ensure your family member will hopefully change?

Loving each other as if our lives depended on it is the most important family theory you will develop for your children. Love truly does conquer all. When someone (especially a family member) hurts you, the most powerful response we can give is to respond in love. It practically guarantees that the family member will be forced into taking a hard look in the mirror and ultimately making a change for the good of the relationship.

The devotional:

Read 1 Peter 2: 8-14

8 Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. 9 That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless - that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing. 10 Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here’s what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful; 11 Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you’re worth. 12 God looks on all this with approval, listening and responding well to what he’s asked; But he turns his back on those who do evil things. 13 If with heart and soul you’re doing good, do you think you can be stopped? 14 Even if you suffer for it, you’re still better off. Don’t give the opposition a second thought. (New Living Translation)

Notice that in verse 9 it says our job is to bless, pretty clear of what we’re to do with people who treat us poorly, but there is also really good news on what happens if we choose to bless those who hurt us…it says that we will also be blessed. But the question is who will bless us? Is it the person who offended us? Possibly, and we certainly create an environment for that to happen. But as you find out in verse 12, it turns out that God is the one who is extremely happy with us! When we love our family (and others) regardless of how they treat us, we are putting a huge smile on God’s face God notices and promises to respond to our actions!

The verse I’d like us to memorize from this study is 1 Peter 4:8

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. (The Message)

Possible family questions:

• How has mommy or daddy not been very nice to you? (this is a great way to model the behavior you want from your children)
• What does it mean to be humble, not to retaliate, and no sarcasm?
• How can we “snub” evil as a family?
• How can we “run” after peace as a family?

Filed Under: Family Devotionals, Spiritual Things
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The most important thing in life: When you want to “fix” your relationship

January 16, 2007 by Michael Smalley · 5 Comments 

I need to be honest, and I want to be honest. I’m one of those people that typically turns to God at the last moment - when all hell has broken loose in my life - I will finally turn to the Bible or go to God in prayer.

So this morning I decided that I would not wait for impending disaster any longer, but instead, would actually try to get ahead of the game and go to God’s word ahead of schedule and seek God’s counsel through prayer before I’m in total crisis.

I was reading 1 Peter, which is an excellent book to go with if you want to feel really successful, because you can read the entire thing at one sitting A particular verse popped out at me this morning (I was reading from The Message) and I want to share it with you:

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. (1 Peter 4:8)

I have a client who’s husband could be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality disorder. He’s been nothing short of horrible through abuse, affairs, and inappropriate threats to her life. I will protect her privacy, but her upbringing was even worse than her marriage! She is not from this country and has survived things that you and I could never understand.

But she has taught me something through our time together. She is living 1 Peter 4:8. Even though her husband has treated her horribly, she has not responded in kind, rather, she has done the right thing. She is a believer and does not think she should be cruel back to him, and just the other day he actually said to her, “Why haven’t you done anything bad back to me?”

There’s some powerful research coming out on how to help someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and guess what? The most promising therapy is couples therapy! That’s right, a Narcissist needs someone who is capable of loving them and empathizing with them despite all the horrible things they do.

I always tell clients (and remind myself a lot), no matter what, do the right thing and things will go well for you.

Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless - that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here’s what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful; Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you’re worth. God looks on all this with approval, listening and responding well to what he’s asked; But he turns his back on those who do evil things. If with heart and soul you’re doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you’re still better off. Don’t give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you’re living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. (1 Peter 3: 8-15)

Filed Under: Conflict Resolution, Marriage, Spiritual Things, The Top Posts
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Michael got it right…almost…my response to sin and how you overcome it

January 15, 2007 by Gary Smalley · Leave a Comment 

Michael’s recent post was excellent about the importance of repairing any damage we do with family, friends or strangers in our personal journey in life. Relationships are more important than our studies or whatever else we are doing. Loving each other is healthier for us than almost anything else we can do for ourselves.

When Michael mentioned that we can’t get rid of sin, I guess it’s how you define sin. I’ve come to understand that sin is what Adam and Eve did in the garden, what King David did when he killed Bathsheba’s husband, it’s simply living against the will of God and “doing our own thing” while thumbing our nose to God and saying, “God you do your thing and I’ll do mine and don’t bug me while I’m doing it.”

For example, in the Lord’s Prayer, the idea of sin is covered in the first few words, “Our Father, holy is your name, Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.” My father means that God is all I’ll ever need, and in those days, a father was the commander of his family, what he said went. God is the King in His Kingdom. He is the King over us. If He says jump, we say “how high.” His will is for us to love Him with all of our heart and to love others like we want to be loved ourselves. That’s it. That’s His will for us on earth. He’s the king telling us to love Him and others.

If we say, “Oh, no, I’m not doing that, forget it, I’m looking out for number one, me!” Then, we are sinning against the King and we will receive the punishment of the King. For me, I surrendered to the King and I use His power within me, His Spirit, and I accept His ultimate gift of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross to love Him with my whole heart. (Romans 10: 9, 10)

For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.

I crave for Him everyday, to know Him and the power of His resurrection. Through Him, I have freedom from lust, complaining, and many other areas of my life by hiding His living word within my heart. He does set us free from selfishness when we totally submit to His greatest law of loving Him and others. A free man is a man who is free from his own selfishness and then, he is free to love others by serving them. (Galatians 5:13)

For you have been called to live in freedom – not freedom to satisfy your sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love.

Filed Under: Hiding God's Word, Spiritual Things
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How can you tell your spouse is lying?

January 14, 2007 by Michael Smalley · 2 Comments 

The quickest and easiest way to figure out if your spouse is lying to you is whether or not your spouse gets defensive over the issue. Defensiveness is the biggest sign someone is lying to you. Why would someone need to be defensive if he is telling the truth?

What is defensiveness you ask? “Defensiveness is the unconscious effort to protect the self from anxiety, either through diversionary and intimidation tactics or by distortions of reality.” (http://webhome.idirect.com/~kehamilt/ipsydef.html)

Here are some other cool signs I found for you to notice if your spouse is telling the truth (or not):

Body Language of Lies:

• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.
• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact
• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.
• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says “I love it!” when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.
• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”
• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.
• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.
• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you. (http://www.blifaloo.com/info/lies.php)

Filed Under: Conflict Resolution, Marriage
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Discovering your signature sin

January 14, 2007 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

JAMES 3:16
“Where there is jealousy and selfishness, there is also disorder and every kind of evil.”

This verse couldn’t be more true, and I hate to admit it, but it’s what I struggle with the most in my own life. I wish I could blame this one on my parents, but I cannot. Even though I probably learned this from somewhere (had to take the shot, it was a great set up). It is my choice to serve myself instead of the ones I love.

We were attending the wedding of my wife’s niece, Ashley, in beautiful San Antonio. I’ve not been the biggest supporter of the wedding. I wish it was because of Ashley, but it wasn’t. I wish it was because of her fiancé, Brian, but it wasn’t. Brian is incredibly loving and mature for a 21 year-old and I couldn’t be happier for Ashley and her future marriage.

I’ve been unhappy every since I had to get fitted for a tux! I hate to wear suits, tuxes, or any kind of clothing that restricts even the slightest of movements. So my attitude has been less than wonderful. And the night before the wedding, it hit the fan.

My first mistake was not eating anything since breakfast and then attending a wedding that started at 5:00 p.m. in the evening. My second mistake was being selfish and inconsiderate of the wedding party, which I was a part of. My attitude was fairly good during the wedding, I got to usher in the guests as they arrived and then the official wedding party to their seats.

But it was after the wedding that I made my poor choice. My hunger had escalated, I was getting a headache, and I used every excuse in the book to get out of the reception. When I arrived to the Weston Centre in downtown San Antonio, I had made up my mind; I was leaving and couldn’t care what anyone else thought about it. So I left. What a poor choice.

Even upon arriving back to our hotel room with my two excuses, I mean, sons - I knew I had made a poor choice. When my wife returned back to the room, I definitely knew I had made a poor choice. Amy, especially in this kind of circumstance, usually has a hard time not escalating and getting really angry. So when she approached me about leaving and was not escalating, my poor choice became even more horrible.

I can apologize to Ashley, her mother, and her father for ditching out of the reception. But I can’t take it back. The only thing I can do, or anyone who has acted selfishly, is make a change for the future and earn back any trust lost from my, or our, actions.

One of my favorite professors from Wheaton College was Dr. Michael Mangis. He had a theory on sin, and he called it your “Signature Sin”. It’s your personal struggle, that one thing that keeps getting you in trouble throughout your lifetime. For example, one of my signature sins is selfishness. My wife does not struggle with this as much, hers might be escalation, and I don’t struggle with that one much at all.

We cannot get rid of the sin in our life, but we can learn to recognize it quicker and learn how to repair the hurt from our sins more effectively. Our goal isn’t to rid ourselves of sin, but rather repair the damage we create; at least until that wonderful day when all is restored and we get to live as God had first intended us to live.

Filed Under: Spiritual Things
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Break up or make up?

January 13, 2007 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

When is it time to end a relationship? With the release of our newest book, More than a Match: how to turn the dating game into lasting love, I’ve got dating on my mind! One of the hardest things on earth is to know when to end a relationship, and actually, usually, it’s not that hard to recognize, but rather, it’s usually more difficult to implement.

Here’s some reasons you should simply end a relationship and not try to make up:

• You’ve been cheated on. If your partner can’t keep committed during your dating relationship, don’t even think he/she will stay committed during your marriage!
• There’s been violence.
• You’ve come across some personality trait that you’ve realized you simply can’t live with.
• There’s an addiction to pornography. I wouldn’t marry someone with that problem for anything! Porn is incredibly difficult to overcome, consider yourself lucky to catch it before you got married and had children.

Filed Under: Marriage
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More than a match: an interview with the Sacramento Bee

January 12, 2007 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

There’s an interesting phenomena occurring for young adults you might be interested in reading up on over at the Sacramento Bee by author Jonathan Pinkerton. I was interviewed recently by Jonathan, and you can read the entire piece here.

Cupid’s Web
Online sites have displaced traditional ways of telling the world when a romance blossoms — or withers

There’s danger ahead, too many people are hiding behind a virtual wall and they are not learning what it takes to handle conflict with real people. Eventually, you have to deal with flesh and bones and you won’t have a profile to hide behind.

Filed Under: Being Single, Dating
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Express your gratefulness without expectations

January 12, 2007 by Gary Smalley · 1 Comment 

“My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will never be shaken” (Psalms 62:1-2)

Recently, I received a card in the mail from my wife. In it, she said that she loved me, that every year of our marriage was more fulfilling, and that she appreciated some of my recent attitudes and actions. There were not hints of hidden expectations in the card. She didn’t ask for a thing, but she sure made me want to do more for her.

Through the years, Norma’s “no beg” attitude has inspired me to search for creative ways to express my love to her. And it all started with some tattered furniture in the early years of our marriage.

Norma was sick and tired of the pitiful “late garage” style furniture we owned. For months she asked me to replace it. “Gary, it’s just awful. I’m so embarrassed when our friends come over, we need to get new furniture!”

I felt like a slave to her expectations. No matter what I do, she’ll never be satisfied, I actually thought. I’m not about to buy her any new furniture with that attitude (What a domineering spirit I had then!)

The one day it dawned on me. She hasn’t said a word about that furniture for over a year. She hasn’t even dropped hints about it. Sure enough, Norma had completely given up her expectations to the Lord (Ps. 62:1-2). She started focusing more attention on God-filled happiness rather than Stuff-filled happiness. At that moment I was willing to do anything for her. I was so grateful for her attitude that I asked her how much money she would like to withdraw from our savings account for new furniture. Then we marched down to the local furniture store and bought a couch, lamps, tables, chairs. . . . Of coarse after we purchased all the furniture we couldn’t afford the house to put it in

Norma’s complaints accomplished nothing, but her non-demanding patience accomplished everything. Around our house we’ve noticed several factors make it easier for any family member to change: expressing the change you desire to see without attaching a time limit; showing appreciation for the slightest move toward change; showing acceptance and love regardless of change.

“Lord, I ask that you loosen my grip on the things that I think I need. Then fill my open hands with the things You know I need.”

Filed Under: Hiding God's Word
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What to do when your child will not obey: dealing with a strong-willed child

January 11, 2007 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

Please Lord, Help Me!

Embarrassing! I hate to share this story, but I know, or at least hope, that I am not alone. I’m talking on the phone with a friend and my daughter, Reagan, comes out of nowhere, obviously very frustrated, and hits me on the knee.

I hang up the phone and look at Reagan and ask, “Are you allowed to hit daddy?” She takes a moment to think, and only as a two-year old can, then looks at me with that Strong-willed child glare and nods her head in a positive motion. “No ma’am!” I quickly pick her up and head for her bedroom with Reagan screaming at the top of her lungs, “NO! I don’t want a time out!”

Now the struggle begins. If you have a strong-willed child you can relate. It’s the time when your child is not going to budge. I put her in the crib and leave the room for her time-out to begin. After two minutes I return asking one simple question, “Are you allowed to hit daddy?” Guess what her response was? A slow nodding and affirming yes! So I give her another time-out, and the same thing happens. I come back into the room and Reagan again nods affirming that she is allowed to hit. I can’t believe it!

I’m starting to escalate as much as my two-year old! For 30 minutes Reagan and I battle it out. I’m yelling and becoming more frustrated with every affirming nod. At this point I’m thinking things that the Division of Family Services would definitely not approve of, and she is not responding any better, not even close to what I wanted to hear from her.

At this point I get so frustrated I literally fall to my knees in prayer, begging God to give me some direction, in fact, hoping God will set something on fire in the room to grab Reagan’s attention, and then announce to my rebelling daughter, “OBEY YOUR FATHER, FOR HE IS PERFECT AND WORTHY OF YOUR PRAISE!”

Of coarse, sadly enough, that did not happen. Instead, during my moment of prayer after an hour of dealing with my daughter, God clearly said to me, “You know . . . You’re no better than your daughter.” Whoa! I wasn’t the one rebelling, but God wanted me to know that I was yelling and not treating my daughter the way God had commanded. I began to realize my attitude was escalating Reagan even more than she already was! I wasn’t helping the situation by being equally upset and equally unruly.

Even if we have a strong-willed child, rebellion or misbehavior never gives us the right to mistreat our children. We are commanded to treat them with respect and to guide them in the ways God encourages. Peacefulness, love, kindness, sacrifice, patience, good will, and other traits are important to teach our children, and the best way to teach them is by modeling the correct behavior.

The next time your child makes disciplining difficult, remember to ask God for guidance in maintaining the proper attitude. As for Reagan, it took over two hours to get her to admit and take ownership of why she was in trouble. I had to remain consistent and patient. Remember, especially with a strong-willed child, consistency and sticking with it are two of the most important rules for a parent. Even when it takes over two hours, the dividends will pay off when your child grows up to become a loving and mature adult.

Filed Under: Discipline for Kids, Parenting
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Finding your purpose

January 10, 2007 by Kirsten Wakie · 1 Comment 

I have a good friend that is going through a really rough time. He retired not too long ago from a job he held for 20 years. He didn’t work for a while and was spending a lot of time home. He’s battled several bouts of depression trying to figure out his purpose in life.

I would think it may be natural for a man, who still considers himself the chief provider of the home, to have a hard time with suddenly sitting around. He went from rising everyday and going to a job with an indescribable amount of purpose to not doing much of anything. That can’t be easy. And having recently accepted Christ, he’s now trying to figure out what God would have for him to do with his life.

Now, sometimes finding our purpose seems difficult, but I believe it’s a lot easier than we think. Here are my thoughts:

1. Put first things first. Remember that you are God’s creation and want to do all things to glorify Him. In Pastor Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Life” he says, “You were created for God’s pleasure, you were formed for God’s family, and you were created to become like Christ.”

2. Discover your spiritual gifts. Spiritual gifts are meant to encourage and mature us for more effective ministry. Some of these gifts are: evangelism, hospitality, giving, teaching, etc. There are too many to list here, but try to get your hands on a sound spiritual gifts profiles/survey to help you find yours.

3. Discover your talents. Maybe you can sing, play an instrument, cook, sew, do carpentry, etc. All of these talents can be used for His Kingdom.

4. Discover your passion. What do you love to do? What moves your heart? Some like to work with children, others with the elderly, some with those in need. I believe that God plants those passions in us to be His hand extended–for His use. If you love kids, maybe you could teach Sunday School or work with the youth group. If you love to cook, maybe you can help with meals for those that are sick, and so on.

Pastor Warren goes on to write that “you were shaped for serving God, and you were made for a mission.” We all have a purpose. Every single one of us. Each and every individual has a specific purpose for our time here on earth. God has gifted us with spiritual gifts and talents to be used for His glory, to serve Him and to serve others. When we find that purpose and walk in it, we are blessed!

 

Filed Under: Random Importance, Spiritual Things
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STRESS: Where it comes from and how to get rid of it!

January 10, 2007 by Gary Smalley · Leave a Comment 

I woke up this morning with a dread feeling for a few minutes. Reality sunk in. I realized again that a person can have giant dreams, but not giant expectations along with those dreams. Two years ago, I met with a leading Christian organization who seemed to be promising me a “BIG” opportunity for ministry. Maybe if I made six new DVDs with my new messages that really do help couples survive major difficulties, they could take these DVDs around the world to help “millions” of couples in churches every where. Great dream, but both the ministry and my new publisher melted down just before my new book and DVDs where released. I was saddened and stressed because of the age old problem of what stress is.

It is the “gap” between what you expect and what you actually “get” in life. The GIANT dreams are OK, but not the giant expectations. I have a problem of believing the promises of others when it comes to the publishing world. But this morning, I realized afresh that I can still have BIG dreams but not big expectations because the expectations are what raise my blood pressure. I know in my heart that ALL things are possible through Christ.

But that doesn’t mean that He will always do for me what I expect. My renewed prayer is “God, you have given me this new giant dream of helping Your Church around the world to start hiding Your Words within their hearts, but you unfold this dream as big as you want. I’ll keep dreaming big and going deeper in You, but you take my dream (faith) as far out as you will. Thanks for the “rest” this morning in my heart.”

I’ll do my best with this new book and let God take it as far as He desires. I’ll even plan how it can be successful, but still leave the final results to Him. But now I can’t wait to see how far He’ll take this new message He has given me.

Filed Under: Conflict Resolution, Gary's Journal
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The importance of God’s word and how I blew that off for too long

January 10, 2007 by Gary Smalley · Leave a Comment 

I’ve been a Christian for most of my life. Just like other Christians, I’ve had my ups and downs, sliding away from God and returning to Him when things are going really bad in my life. “God, rescue me, please.” I’ve cried out on a number of occasions, just like David of old. (Ps. 34:17) But during my entire journey with God, I don’t believe I had as much respect for His Word (the Bible) as I did for God, His Spirit, or His son, Christ.

But as I read the Bible, it seems that all three (His Spirit, His Son, and His Word) are equal and needed in our life in order to become conformed into His image. We need all three. Jesus paid the price for our sin through His death, taught us and was raised to life so that we might be saved. Jesus sent His Spirit to us after He was raised to remind us of His Words and empower us. Lastly, He gave us the written word for instructions of how to live and to reprove us. And as we hide His Word in our heart, His Word forms our beliefs and our beliefs manage all of our thoughts, words and actions. That tells me that His Word is extremely important!

When I think back to how I became a Christian, His written Words were preached to me at a church and it convicted me. My early Bible studies with other boys and men during the first few years of my Christian growth centered on studying His Word. Why didn’t anyone I have walked with for over 50 years ever tell me the importance of “hiding” His Word in to my heart? I was encouraged to memorize the Word, but not “Hide” it in my heart. We as Christians have the Trinity: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And thank God we also have His written Words. In fact, Jesus is the Word. In the beginning was the Word, the Word was God and it became flesh and dwelt among us. (John 1:1 & 14)

The Word of God is sharper than any two edged sword and it’s living and truth. Sounds to me like the Words of God are very important. I certainly have a higher opinion than I used to because as I have been hiding His Words within my heart.

Filed Under: Hiding God's Word
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Whose the biggest loser in the battle between Rosie and Trump?

January 10, 2007 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

{democracy:12}

Filed Under: Conflict Resolution
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