What is intimacy?

I’ve been contemplating for some time how to tackle this very delicate subject. It seems to be a topic most Christians shy away from and I never understood why. I’ve been a Christian for almost 20 years and have never heard a single teaching from a church on the subject. Although discussion does require some degree of decorum, we shouldn’t be so afraid of it. After all, God did create sex and He meant for a husband and wife to enjoy it. It wasn’t designed as a chore or something to be ashamed of. Just take a look at the Song of Solomon. Taken literally, this book is a wonderful picture of the desire a husband and wife can and should have for each other. Tommy Nelson, the pastor of Denton Bible Church in Texas, has an amazing teaching on this book (visit www.songofsolomon.com). It is available in both audio and video and I strongly recommend it. Basically, it is a teaching on God’s best for love, marriage, sex and romance. It’s one of the most descriptive teachings I’ve ever heard.

My own view on what makes for a truly exciting sex life is pretty simple. Great sex is a result of a great relationship. It’s not just about what happens in the physical, as important as that might seem. To me, it’s what leads up to that point that’s more important.

Men and women view sex a little differently, however, the basic foundation is the same. We both want to know we are desired, loved, respected and honored. We both need to know we are attractive to our spouse. We both want to know that we are the most important person on the planet to the one we love. The most exciting moments in the physical come from what we’ve poured into each other in other areas; spiritually, emotionally, mentally. My primary love language is quality time. When I’ve spent a great day with my husband talking, sharing, just really BEING together–knowing that there is no one else HE’D rather be with, it’s totally natural for me to want to be with him physically.

What happens once you get to the bedroom is between the two of you. But when you spend some time pouring into each other BEFORE you get there, the sexual experience will be unforgettable.

When is it time to just divorce?

Is there ever a time you should simply throw in the towel and serve papers? You’ve tried everything and it just doesn’t seem like your spouse is going to respond, when is enough…enough? Listen to my latest podcast to find out the answer to this incredibly difficult question!

Is the grass greener?

Dresses: Red, green, purple, black, long, short, all in the name of being a bridesmaid. You can not make it out of a summer with more than 15 weddings unchanged. Pretty soon your wardrobe will show signs of random color, and your wallet, well, won’t really show signs of anything except emptiness! Don’t get me wrong, I am completely honored to be part of so many ceremonies, but from the moment I began to take on the nickname of professional bridesmaid, I started to think a little differently.

While I love watching my friends bowing before God as they begin new phase of life; standing besides them, praying over them, and listening to their stories, sometimes weddings can become a pressure filled spotlight on a labeled position. ‘Single.’ If I am not careful, it can be easy to fall into a tendency of thinking that everyone around me is entering into “happily ever afterâ€� while I am getting left behind. At times I feel like Adam must have… watching countless pairings, wondering if there would ever be a match for him!

As I gear up for round two coming this summer, I am starting to reconnect with those who disappeared during last year’s, what I like to call, “newly-wed-honeymoon hideaway periodâ€�. “Adjustmentâ€� seems to be the answer I get when asking the “how is married lifeâ€� question. And, through deeper probing, I am gathering that this is a sum of many possible descriptions: challenging but amazing, different but incredible, harder than expected, frustrating at times, rewarding, difficult, hard work but worth it, learning experience….and the list seems to go on.

Recently, one of my friends and I were finally able to snag a time to get together, and through the conversion, I was surprised by how much our struggles held common similarities. Because it had been so long since we had last seen each other I thought for sure she would come to the table with a million incredible stories of adventure and excitement brought by life with a constant companion. That is not what happened though. Through the following discussion I realized that loneliness was still a threat, busyness, still a fact, distraction, still a frustration, and, failure, still a common occurrence. It became evident that she was not leisurely enjoying the life of the Hollywood ingrained fantasy I had originally thought, but was trying desperately to keep God first while honoring, loving, and serving someone else. She was now not only responsible for her own schedule, laundry, and cooking, but was abiding and submitting to his as well. No doubt, she loved married life, but, our interaction really made me think. The conclusion I have settled upon is this: No stage of life is without its share of struggles, and, while the grass may seem greener on the other side, perhaps it is the view that is different, not the color.

Are you involved in a marriage small group or Sunday school class?

Postpartum Depression: a real yet untalked about experience for mothers

I was so glad to come across Amy H’s recent post titled, A Christian Mother’s Experience With the Baby Blues, because so many young mothers experience pospartum depression but are too embarrassed or too ashamed to share their experience with other mothers (way to go Amy!).

I had a friend recently who was experiencing postpartum depression and she didn’t know what was going on for many weeks.  She said it felt like everything was worse, her marriage, her parenting, her life!  She couldn’t figure out why everything felt so much worse than before, until an older woman pinpointed the postpartum for her, and then she got help.

The point, if you’ve just had a baby, and you are feeling wiped out, don’t be afraid to share your feelings with someone.  If your a husband, and you’re reading this post and you know your wife is not acting like she used to before the baby, then reach out for some help for your wife.  It is not abnormal or weak for a woman to experience postpartum depression, it is a chemical thing that can happen to anyone.

Can I handle the adoption?

My husband, Roger sent this quote to me last week…..it gave me goosebumps!! The best I can do is the best God can do. I think at times I put so many obstacles in front of me everyday when I try to achieve my “best!”

Today I’m trying really hard to be the best wife, mom and Christian I can be. The problem is… my best is NOT God’s best! I always fall short. As I take a deep breath and focus on the journey ahead my heart fills up with fear…..can I really do this?

Adoption has become a sort of obsession for me. It’s all I can think, pray and dream about as we move forward. This past week our family was hit hard with financial emergencies.

How is it possible for both cars to need new tires, our five year old water softener breaks, Hannah’s orthodontist payment is due (in full), medical bills, and taxes! We could only gasp when we calculated what we spent in one week.

My initial thoughts were…How can this be happening….this IS so NOT fair God! We have to start making payments for our home study…$8,100 due by April 2, 2007. The entire journey stops cold unless you can pay the fees….. It feels impossible!

My flesh screams out to be in control of this situation! God calls me to “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.� 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-17

The best I can do today is to pray fervently and rest in Him. My soul yearns to hold my daughter, chosen specially for us from an orphanage in China. How can it be that I’m already in love with her and her birth mother? I don’t even know if she’s born yet.

My soul is awake and God knows the perfect timing……His perfect timeline of events. We feel blasted this week by setbacks, but we hold on to the belief that God has a plan. He knows the desires of our hearts. What is so funny (not really) is how long we dragged our feet.

We were called to obey and adopt…….it took us years to jump out in faith! Now, we’re ready to RUN forward, but because of “life’s little setbacks” we’re having to stop and wait.

I read a wonderful insight in Heather McCallum’s, Let God Surprise You, Children are treasured gifts! They are supernatural gifts from God, but sometimes we tend to forget that every child is a gift from God.

Psalm 127:3 says, “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.” The prophetic books of Jeremiah and Isaiah, as well as the Psalms, talk of God’s plans for children even while they are in the womb. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,” God said to Jeremiah (1:5). Isaiah 44:2 refers to God as “he who made you, who formed you in the womb.”

As gifts from God, our children- whether they come to us by plan or by surprise (adoption!) need to be treasured and protected. You don’t have to worry; God’s TIMING is always perfect. As the Bible says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” (Eccl. 3:1)

The journey continues…

You will not want to read this post: a thought on one of the scariest topics in marriage!

Did I get your attention? There’s a couple of verses in the Bible that seem to cause a lot of problems in some marriages and I want to share them with you:

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. (Ephesians 5:22-23)

Through the years of Christiandom this has caused a lot of heartache for many marriages. In particular, when husbands use the verses as their “magical trump card” to get their way in an argument or disagreement with their wife. “The magical trump card” is my favorite term to use with husbands who’ve figured out how to abuse these two verses in the Bible to further their own selfish ambitions.

But did you know there is something important, even Biblical, you must learn about these verses. There’s a verse in the Bible that is extremely important, and in fact, puts those two verses in to context, and it occurs right before them in Ephesians 5:21:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Secondly, there’s the entire focus of the Bible, in particular the New Testament, which is to live a life like Christ. If you understand Christ’s life at all, you’d never have a “magical trump card” because your entire existence would be to lay down your life for the life of others (i.e. your wife). To be selfless…a servant…to die to yourself so you could meet the needs of those around you (i.e. your wife)!

It’s just a thought about the word submission. At this point in the discussion with a man who thinks submission means that his wife is to do his will without question, I casually mention these several important things and then point out that the reason they are visiting me is that “clearly, this attitude isn’t working out too well for you.“

When God awakens your soul: the journey toward adoption (Part 3)

I heard the simple message over and over in my mind. There was such an urgency in the message that I started weeping hysterically. I quickly pulled my hat down in case anyone could see me having a complete melt down!

I cried out to the Lord that I heard Him and I would obey! I started praying for our daughter from China and a birth mother we would probably never know. I heard what God wanted us to do, but we continued to move at a snails pace. We were afraid to trust in Him!

He challenged me again, about six months later, and I again told God we would obey, but wasn’t willing to move forward. Thank goodness, God never gave up on us.

December 10th, we were accepted into the program with America World Adoption Association (AWAA) and are thrilled with the journey of bringing home our precious daughter.

As for our son, Michael, he is 110% on board. Michael recently gave us a card and book on China for Christmas that I will keep forever! He has the privilege of watching his parents jump out in faith and obey God even when it seems so difficult!

We have put our home up for sale to cover the cost of the adoption. We are trusting God to take care of all our needs! We laugh and say that God did an amazing job pushing us forward and straight out of our comfort zone. Yes, we’re still afraid of all the unknowns, but we are called to obey and God will direct our path.

What happens when God wakes us up? The answer for me is simple - freedom! The pain I held onto for so many years has come to an end. It has been released….it’s a rebirth of emotions I thought were lost forever.

I will never forget our precious son, but my spirit has woken up to the miracle of motherhood once again. Please pray for us as we join the ranks with our “paper pregnancy”. It will, most certainly, be a journey of a lifetime!

Here’s what’s next: I don’t want to live my life in a way that the best I can do is the best I can do. What a small existence! What a tiny universe! How boring. How sad.

But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Pray like it depends on God and the best you can do is no longer the best you can do! The best you can do is the best God can do! Same with the tithe. If I’m not tithing, the best I can do is the best I can do. But when I take a step of financial faith and live in compliance with Malachi 3: the best I can do is the best God can do.

What a way to live! What potential!

When God awakens your soul: the journey toward adoption (Part 2)

God had a mighty hard time getting my husband, Roger and I to move forward with the process of adoption. First, our son, Michael was NOT on board with bringing another brother or sister in our family circle.

He was not on the same page as we were! In fact, he was praying just the opposite of our daughter, “Please, God DON’T let us adopt!” We were filled with anxiety about everything. We didn’t feel a lot of support from friends or even some family members.

Quite simply, I think people thought we were a little crazy. I have a 13-year old and 10-year old - why in the world do we want to rock the boat! It felt like a wild emotional roller coaster ride.

But one of the biggest hurdles was the cost of adoption! We had no idea how expensive adoption was, but even through our doubts and fears, God never gave up on us, He kept pulling on our hearts and pushing us toward His will and farther away from ours. To be very honest, we weren’t listening or obeying God in the direction He wanted us to take our family. We definitely wanted to adopt, and had even picked out China as our destination, but were unwilling to move forward and start the process. We were afraid.

July 2005 was supposed to be a relaxing day in Huntington Beach, CA. Our family was there on business, but we had a few free days to play. I will never forget, for the rest of my life, what happened to me in my bathing suit and sunglasses that first day on the beach.

I was simply minding my own business, reading an InStyle magazine, looking up once in awhile to watch the kids play in the waves. Roger was throwing them into the crashing tide and I was laughing giving the thumbs up! I casually looked up in the sky and noticed the gorgeous clouds hovering over the ocean! It was breathtaking to me, so I said outloud, “God, you did an amazing job today with the clouds….WOW!”

Out of nowhere came the feeling of a lightning bolt straight into my heart and I heard clearly in my mind an urgent message from God, we were suppose to adopt! Move forward immediately!

to be continued…

When God awakens your soul: the journey toward adoption

I’ve been asking myself this question all week. I believe with all my heart that God can take a painful experience and heal His child completely from start to finish. My pain started eleven years ago when my husband and I held our precious son in our arms as he passed away.

He was only 21-weeks old and very tiny, yet perfectly formed. Something died in me that day and I experienced pain greater than my heart could ever imagine. I pushed and buried my pain deep down in my heart to move on with my life, but God had a much greate plan in store for me and my family.

We were incredibly blessed with a daughter, Hannah who was born 3 1/2 months premature. She was the miracle we needed to keep our hearts open wide with faith that God knew what He was doing in our lives. As the years passed, I was forced to “kill” the dream of ever having any more children. All desires and dreams of being pregnant were gone.

I felt a great sense of loss when I had a partial hysterectomy six years ago, because of complications with the beginning stages of cervical cancer. The experience was both a burden and a renewal for me physically! I was blessed with two beautiful children and my entire focus was being the best wife and mom I could be.

Four years ago, my daughter asked me if we could have another baby. I carefully explained to her that I was not able to have any more children, but she looked at me and said….”Yes we can, we can adopt!”

The comment took my breath away! I took the easy way out and said with a smile, “Why don’t you pray about that and we’ll see.” I had no idea that my little six year old would take on a special mission and pray fervently every night for four years.

She was so consistent with her prayer that we started praying with her at night the same question, “Dear God, do you want us to adopt? If you do, please open the door for our family.”

Hannah was adorable, praying the most precious prayers of faith and love for our family. The shocking part was what happened to my heart. I could physically feel my heart melting in love with the idea of adoption! The miracle Hannah prayed for finally melted her daddy’s heart and we became a unit. One night, we looked at our daughter and told her she was an Ambassador for Christ in our lives! She was the first one we told our secret to. That we were read to adopt!

to be continued…

The meaning of life

Many people search blindly for the “meaning of life.” What they don’t seem to understand is that life does not have meaning through mere existence or acquisition or fun. The meaning of life is inherent in the connections we make to others through honor and obligation.

- Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I found this quote on the side of my Starbucks cup, apparently, Starbucks is good for something other than just caffeine.

20 percent of couples suffer in a sexless marriage

I came across this statistic at the Dr. Keith Ablow blog and have not been able to verify it yet, but it does not surprise me. First, I’m typically very skeptical and quite snobby when it comes to self-help gurus and their television shows (it probably has more to do with jealously than anything else ). So when I actually see a show and television personality that I like, then it means something. When I can say that I like a psychiatrist, that really means something! Now I must admit I’ve only had a very short experience watching Dr. Ablow, so I can’t truly recommend him yet or promote any of his advice, I’ve only watched him once, but I was impressed with his analysis with the Ana Nicole Smith tragedy.

But I found his blog and found this statistic:

Married couples want their love and lust to last a lifetime. In reality, though, nearly 20 percent of couples are in sexless marriages.

Do you want to know why couples might suffer in a sexless marriage? It’s usually not as complicated as you might think. Let me share with you just a few of the more powerful and core reasons a couple would eventually stop having sex with each other:

1. Their initial sexual relationship is traumatic and confusing and they refuse to talk about it. Instead of seeking help, they stop.
2. There is an inability to resolve conflict and they get into one, or all, of four destructive patterns as outlined by Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley. These destructive communication “germs” than infect marriages and destroy the sex drive are escalation, avoidance, dishonor (name calling), and negative beliefs.
3. They keep pushing each other’s buttons (core relational fears) and keep responding poorly. Just type in “core fears” in the search field on this site and you can read about what these are, but basically a core fear is the “why” of your anger, hurt, or frustration. You’re not upset about your husband coming home late, you’re upset because when he comes home late that makes your feel rejected, devalued, or unimportant (these are all core fears). You are responding to your core fears being pushed by withholding sex!

These are just some ideas, I’ll have to do a podcast on this idea tomorrow or the next day, so stay tuned.

How to raise a kid who can handle adversity

Our job as parents is to raise healthy, responsible adults. One of the greatest gifts we could give our children as they leave our homes is the ability to handle adversity. I recently came across a post from the American Association of Christian Counselors blog that found some interesting research:

Gabbing is good for your kids’ health. Researchers at the Emory University Center for Myth and Ritual in American Life studied the conversations of Atlanta-area families and came across some noteworthy findings. Parents who encourage their children to talk about feelings, like anger and sadness, were more likely to raise resilient kids.

It turns out that my need for gab is a good thing for the kids! My dad used to tease me all the time about my inability to keep my mouth shut, but perhaps that is why I’ve always been able to handle adversity so well. In fact, my sister, Kari, is writing a beautiful post right now about her experiences surviving a miscarriage and how that has led her to the process of adoption. She has handled adversity incredibly well her entire life, and she too is a gabber

But the research is clear, it is not simply throwing out a bunch of words, it’s about sharing feelings like anger and sadness. You never want your children to hold those feelings inside for very long. They are like toxic waste to the soul. It will eat them up from the inside out. You can help you kids share these feelings by being safe. You can be safe by not being judgmental, critical, blaming, or shaming. In other words…don’t be an impatient jerk to your kids when they need to share something serious with you.

For those of you in the Houston market

Amy and I just taped a special segment for Fox News Houston! It will air Tuesday and the topic was “The Top 10 Things You Need to Know about Dating”. We had 1.5 minutes, so don’t expect a lot of insight, but then again, I was involved so we could have had 30 minutes and you wouldn’t have expected a lot of insight anyway

Did you miss Lovapalooza?

I was reading a recent post by Dating Dame, Sasha Manuel, who found a story out of Pasay City (It’s in the Philippines, if you didn’t know, because I had to look it up) where they were trying to break a record for the number of people to kiss at the same time on February 10th. The current record is somewhere around 5,300, and I looked at the site and couldn’t find it they were able to break it or not, but I can imagine they had fun trying!

But this whole story got me thinking about love and Valentine’s Day, which is only a few short moments away, just in case you haven’t noticed the thousands of commercials, billboards, fliers, and mailers. I believe men might have a reputation of forgetting certain events so marketers have figured out that it is worth their time and money to try and remind them, just a thought.

Back to my thinking about love and Valentine’s Day and this Lovapalooza event. Keep it fresh. I think the worst thing we could do for this Valentine’s Day is the same old thing we do every Valentine’s Day. My own wife kindly reminded me that I’ve been in sort of a rut lately. She really did! I’ve been so busy starting our new counseling center that I’ve forgotten how to romance her like I used to when we were dating. There were some pretty creative moments in my past, and frankly, I’ve gotten lazy.

Here’s the deal. You don’t have to spend a great deal of money on being creative either, truly, it is the thought that counts. Sometimes being simple can be just as dramatic as being extravagant, as long as you’ve put some thought into what you do for your mate. And ladies, you are not excused on Valentine’s Day. Your man wants to be romanced just as much as you do. I bet the perfect Valentine’s Day would be the two of you surprising each other with something simple, yet new to the two of you activities.

So go out there and create your own Lovapalooza!

Creative date ideas for Valentine’s Day

Here are some creative date ideas for Valentine’s Day. I’ve scoured the Internet in search for the best ideas and this is what I’ve found:

from coolestdates.com

send flowers. Try adding a note or a poem. For greater impact, find a way to secretly add flowers to the vase every day, and include a secret note each time.

Collect old magazines and cut out pictures that bring back memories of times you’ve shared together. Compile them in a notebook, and add the desire for more memories and times to share.

Go dancing down by the riverfront, lake, or ocean with a small radio and dance until the sun goes down.

Select a dinner from the cookbook you have never tried. Shop for the ingredients and prepare the dinner together. For added adventure, choose a type of cuisine and dress the part.

Make a sweetheart tree for your girl. Use popcorn and gum drops.

Take valentines to your friend’s house, then take your valentine to another couple’s house for punch and cookies.

Make a sign out of butcher paper with your original valentine message. Display it on his/her front lawn.

Fix a lunch with only GREEN foods (natural or dyed) for St. Patrick’s Day (or Pink/Red for Valentine’s Day, or Orange/Brown for fall, or white for winter, etc.).

Have a backwards dinner (start with dessert, then main course, salad, soup, and finish with an appetizer).

Take a picnic lunch and go to a lake to feed the ducks.

Organize a candlelight breakfast. Either buy the ingredients of your partner’s favorite breakfast meal, or order take out from a local restaurant, and then buy some candles.

Make a tape or CD of all the loves songs you both like and play it while relaxing in front of a glowing fire (or while driving in the countryside).

Pack a picnic dinner and head out of the city at dinner time (away from the bright lights). Spend time looking at the stars and talking about dreams.

Stay home and cook your favorite meal together for a quiet dinner at home.

Rent a boat or borrow one from a friend and cruise the lake or ocean for a while and then have a candle light dinner.

Joanne Greene from Beliefnet.com had some creative ideas that were out of the box (my comments are in the brackets [] ):

Keep one night a weekend just for the two of you. [This is so important to do even after Valentine's Day!]

Spend a day outdoors.

Take a class. [Couldn't see how this would fit for Valentine's Day, but interesting thought.]

Perform an act of charity. [I like this one, very out of the box!]

Keep a journal together. [Sexy!]

Play sports. [Even sexier!]

Share a juice fast. [Won't comment]

Explore new religions. [No exactly sure what she meant by this one.]

I’d tell you what I have planned for Valentine’s Day, but you all would shame me ;-(

Amy and I will be speaking at First Presbyterian Houston!

A thought about being consistent in your walk with God

Maybe consistency in not about how many days you do something in a row, but rather recognizing when you’ve gotten off track and then how quickly you respond to God’s prompting.

Any thoughts of your own?

Is your spouse your best friend?

My husband and I consider ourselves to be best friends. That friendship was built over time. It wasn’t instant. We were actually fixed up by a blind date, and I fell for him immediately. So I went right into “in love” mode. A romantic relationship is initially overwhelmed with romantic feelings and the thought of friendship may not be the first on your mind.

I don’t think we realize how crucial friendship is to the marriage relationship. When all the bells and whistles of being “in love” start to die down, where is your relationship? Is your spouse the one person you choose to be with at any time? Do you enjoy each other, do things together (beyond sex)?

A friend is defined as a favored companion; one attached to another by affection or esteem. True friendship is a very deep thing. Best friends share their greatest fears and joys. They give before they take. They put aside their own agendas to search out the heart of the other. True friendship involves trust, vulnerability, honesty and encouragement, shared interests and activities. And it takes time to build and grow.

While this definition applies to a “friend” it so much more applies to your marriage and your spouse. Remember that Genesis 2:18 tells us that God created woman for man, to be a companion and a helper. The first human relationship was between one man and one woman. They were a lot of things to each other, but they had to be friends. In the Song of Solomon (5:16), the Shulamite woman speaks of her husband this way, “….This is my beloved, this is my friend.” Being friends builds the closeness necessary to be one flesh.

How do you build a friendship with your spouse? I believe you remember to daily lay down yourself and put your spouse first. You should always be honest, open, forgiving and speak the truth in love, never in anger. You need to appreciate your differences and not make them a point of opposition. You need to make the important decisions in your lives together and deal with difficulties and trials as a couple. You need to share activities–find things you can do together and spend real quality time. And I think you need to develop a sense of humor. Laugh together and don’t let things come between you. What is it they say? …keep the little things little and the big things big. How true is that?

If you take time to talk to each other, share your innermost feelings and dreams, do things together, and just really BE with each other, I think you’ll build an amazing friendship!

 

Ways to grow spiritually together as a couple

My wife and I are teaching a new series titled, Reconstructing Love, and it began Monday night here in The Woodlands, Texas.  If you’re ever in the area over the next three weeks please feel free to join us.  It’s a blast!  At least, that’s what we think

Our first night was all about learning how to grow together spiritually.  Couples struggle when it comes to growing together spiritually and when we got to the end of our talk and opened up the time for discussion, couples wanted creative things they could do together that would foster their spiritual walk together.

So I promised that I would provide them a list of things on my blog the very next day! It is now Thursday morning, shame on me, but I am finally getting to that list of ways couples can grow together spiritually, but I know I’m not the only one who can come up with fun and creative suggestions.  So please feel free to jump in and leave suggestions as well:

1. Go to your local Christian bookstore and find a book together that gets you excited and read it together (The reason this fails so many times for couples is that you think you need to read this every night together, let go of that expectation and maybe just pick once a week.)
2. Get involved in a couples small group.  I bet this one catches you off guard a little, but it is one of the best gifts you will ever give to your marriage.  A couples small group is something that allows you to challenge, support, and encourage your marriage through significant friendships that are committed to your marriage and to your growth as a couple.
3. Start praying together.  Prayer is an intimate experience and should not be ignored for too long.  Amy and I can feel incredibly guilty about this point, and I can imagine that many of you feel the same.  Prayer is so hard to do as a couple, especially when you’re in conflict. But push through the conflict and pray together at least once a week during a time that is not at the dinner table.
4. Here’s a great devotional book for you, Our Love Is Here to Stay: A Daily Devotional for Couples, by Tony and Lois Evans.
5. Attending Sunday School at your church is a great way to foster spiritual growth.  I resisted this for many years in our marriage because I’d been burned as a younger man, but once I finally allowed Amy some influence in my life over this issue, we’ve found a wonderful class at our current church that has truly allowed us to grow together spiritually.
6. Spiritual walks together.  These are quite different than simply walking together.  Make them a spiritual walk by saying to each other that you would like to pray about a specific issue during your walk or would like to simply talk about how you can encourage each other in your spiritual “walks”.  It is always a great idea to get out into the open spaces to see God’s creation together.  It reminds us of the Creator and our place in this world and the beauty that surrounds us.
7. Take a fasting and prayer weekend trip.  You can take a weekend together to discuss your spiritual goals and make this time a weekend of fasting and praying as well.  If you’ve never fasted, there are people or resources you can utilize to help you understand the significance of this act and how it can help you grow together spiritually.
8. Other recommended books: The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed Of, Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing His Will, Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference?, Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul, and Praying God’s Word Day by Day.

“Experiential Spirituality”

I recently heard Michael Smalley use a term that I think he should copyright and make into the next ‘best-selling Christian bible study series’ — the term (and I wish I had thought of it first : ) ) is, “experiential spirituality”. While I am poking fun at the sometimes over-hyped Christian publishing industry, I am serious about the fact that I love this term!

Webster’s defines “experiential” as “relating to, derived from, or providing experience”. What Michael was referencing when he quoted this brilliant phrase, was the way in which we as humans, and more specifically, married couples, experience spiritual connectedness with Christ, and how our upbringing specifically plays into that. For some of us that means being in church every weekend. For others it may mean having private worship time while playing a guitar. For others journaling, and still for others it may mean going camping for the weekend in the mountains, and reveling in God’s amazing creation. Michael’s premise of this topic and its relevance to marriage and relationships, was that we have to learn to respect one another’s (especially as spouses) need for the way in which we best experience Christ, in turn knowing that that respect will show our love for one another.

While few Christians will argue that to truly be plugged into and growing in Christ, you need to be plugged into a church that is growing spiritually, most will also agree that this is simply one aspect of your walk and growth with Christ. There are so many other ways we experience this growth and to show true love to one another, we have to learn to enjoy, experience and accept each other’s “experiential spirituality”. I heard the phenomenal songwriter and worship leader, Chris Tomlin, say recently that one of the reasons he loves worship music so much, is that “it creates a moment in which our spirit is speaking directly to Christ’s spirit”….is that not an amazing illustration of the way he experiences connecting directly with Christ?!? I can only imagine how many powerful worship songs our generation would be without, if his parents and/or friends had not encouraged him to experience Christ through his music and writing!!

I am blessed to have personally been raised in a family, which while we were directly plugged into and active in church, was open in experiencing Christ in many different ways…most often I recall, thru being in nature or helping others. This has led me to look for ways in which to allow my children to experience the growth, love, and security in Christ that I have had for more than 30 years, and to learn to respect, love and participate in the ways which my wife experiences her spiritual connectedness with Christ.

Hopefully, Michael will write a blog or two on this great topic and publicize his incredible phrase, “experiential spirituality”!!

Love verses Hedonism

Both love and hedonism are like seeds that grow each day within our heart depending upon which one is watered and nurtured. Hedonism is more about feeding the “self” side of our nature and love is more about feeding the “others” side.

Whatever we think about the most during the day, that seed continues to grow bigger than the other seed. Once I start memorizing Bible verses like Matthew 22:37:

Jesus replied, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’

or verses like my favorite, which is Galatians 5:13:

For you have been called to live in freedom – not freedom to satisfy your sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love.

I start feeding the love seed. If I think on them, chew them, meditate on them all day off and on for weeks and months, the love seed in my heart keeps growing and I find myself thinking, doing, and saying more loving things to others. Before too many months, my hedonism seed shrinks and it is finally choked off at the root level.

The more I do loving things, the more I do loving things for lack of attention because my hedonism seed is covered over by the love seed. The love seed continues to grow. The larger it gets and the healthier it gets, the more I am compelled to love naturally and automatically.

The perfect date for Valentine’s Day

Do you want the perfect date for Valentine’s Day? I can promise you that it has nothing to do with where you go how much you spend, or how romantic you try to be on the biggest romance day of the year. In fact, if you spend your time planning on only those elements for Valentine’s Day, then you might be setting your self up for a disaster.

The perfect date for Valentine’s Day will start with you. That’s right. You are the reason the date is going to be a success or failure. What kind of attitude are you going to have? What kinds of expectations are you going to set your self up with that, if not met, will potentially turn a perfectly well-planned date night into a nightmare of hurt feelings and unmet needs.

Here are three guidelines I want you to keep in mind as you plan for the perfect Valentine’s Day evening:

1. Keep the time sacred from arguing, which means, no matter what, you can not get in to conflict. No matter what happens, simply look your date in the eyes and say, “this is going to be a fun evening, so we can talk about that later.” Then put it aside and choose to have fun. Fun is a choice.
2. Make sure that you keep the date night about your date and not about you. The best date is the kind of date that wants to serve and not be served.
3. Don’t make the evening into some huge sexual tension (for you married folks of course ). If you are hoping that the evening does end up in bed, then make sure that you’ve discussed this well in advanced, and in fact, the more you’ve discussed this in advanced, and are both excited about the end of the evening, the better that time will be.

If your dream is from God, it will come true in His time.

When a dream from God reaches your heart, you will receive it from God in His time. (Mark 11:22-24)

Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. I assure you that you can say to this mountain, ‘May God lift you up and throw you into the sea,’ and your command will be obeyed. All that’s required is that you really believe and do not doubt in your heart. Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it.

But if you have passion and commitment for this dream, and never give up, it will be yours in His timing. Think of Abraham and Sarah, they are a great example of God’s timing. The problem many people have is putting their personal, selfish time line, on their dreams from God and then get frustrated when their dreams don’t come to fruition. People might think that God is not real or can’t do handle the dream.

Be very careful what you dream about and make sure that the dream is truly from God. Fasting is a wonderful way many people make sure to check to see if their dreams are matching what God wants for their lives; to make sure they are not being selfish. If you have peace in your heart and you pursue your dream with deep commitment and passion, it will be yours, but only in His time frame.

Many people give up three feet from their dreams because of the wait or because of all the problems of reaching the dream. One man gave up his search for gold and sold all of his equipment to a junk man who took it and hired a gold expert who went to the gold mine and found that the gold vein was only “three feet” away in a different direction. He made millions.

Is oral sex Ok in a Christian marriage?

I just received this question and it jumped right off the page at me!

We have just ordered over $400 worth of books, workbooks, cd’s and dvd’s from you and your family……..we are desperate……I just have to ask one question………I have to have an answer to this question before I can get past some issues……….it is this………..

“Is oral sex something that is OK with the Lord, and, is it ok to dress up in a little nurse costume, or such.

I know this sounds so crazy, but I am about to go out of my mind needing to know the answers to this question! We have two boys coming up and I want them to have the best life possible in the Lord………these questions are just not talked about enough!

Thank you for your time and answer. May God richly bless you and all of your family!

You won’t want to miss my next podcast answer! Click here to listen.