Me and the Texas state government

You won’t believe what I did this past Monday in Austin, Texas. So you will have to listen! Also, find out what it means for your marriage and why other states should follow our lead (We’re already following Oklahoma and Ohio and others)!

How do you “guard” your heart?

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard well meaning friends and family advising singles to “guard your heart” when it comes to relationships. They are absolutely right in posing the warning, and it is indeed Biblical (Prov 4: 23 NIV) But, I have to ask: what exactly does it mean, and how does one really do that? I mean, it sounds grand, it sounds rewarding, it even sounds smart, but, am I the only one who nods in agreement only to battle a crashing wave of uncertainty behind my smile? On one hand I understand it’s necessity, make sure I don’t lead someone on or get hurt right? But, on the other hand, I have to wonder about the example Jesus set. He didn’t seem to hold back or seek to self protect. Instead, he endlessly poured himself out, more that others thought wise, smart, or realistic. Granted, they were platonic relationships, but he was extravagant with His life, moving freely with each beat of his heart to fill voids, meet needs, and heal those around him. So, in the realm of dating relationships, I have a hard time finding the balance. Now, I understand that righteousness needs to be the standard and that specific mental, physical, and spiritual boundaries need to be upheld; yet again, I want something practical, and tangible.

Obviously the topic has quite frankly frustrated me. I have watched many around me, including myself, struggle to attain the full effect of the warning while striving to open up enough to serve and love someone else. So, through much searching, confusion and utter annoyance, I have learned perhaps an important and simple edict that may possibly function as a beacon for wise, yet not rigid protection. The truth is, ultimate security can only come when placing this mighty responsibility into the hands of our Heavenly Father. If left solely to human devices, we will either completely discard the idea of guardianship by divulging too much of ourselves; or, on the contrary, we will attempt to construct impassable walls, thus fortressing our heart away from thinking or caring about others. In abiding by the former, we may very well be protected, harbored successfully from threat or damage, yet, the implications are sadly that we risk completely suffocating any remaining vitality! Neither response is by any means healthy; we either leave ourselves vulnerable and defenseless; or, get stuck trying to squeeze life from a cold, hard rock.

Life, joy, and growth come by pouring ourselves out; allowing the presence of God to filter through us, warming our souls in the process of giving love, hope, and peace. But as we embrace all that Christ modeled we also need to be intelligent. This means guarded but not closed off, giving but not careless. It means defending all that is important and clinging steadfastly to values and convictions given from above. It means not wavering or settling for anything less than that which has been burned into your moral being; and, most importantly, it means not giving up on the ideas and desires that will some day set you and your future spouse apart for a specifically designed piece of God’s plan. In my own past, small compromises became the stepping stones for heart break; not realizing that I had allowed the blinders of denial and forced satisfaction to shadow the underlying warning signs. It has been too often only recognized as the tears of regret and confusion subside that I can look back and see the very issue I became derailed upon. When God is my refuge, defender, and expectation, I need not fear the battle over my heart. Someone once told me that I needed to bury the complex and intricate details of my heart and soul so deeply into the fiber of God, that if anyone where to try to capture it, they must earnestly go to him to find it. Perhaps the practical point I am looking for is that I must first and foremost rely on God; trusting him to mandate and guide, and ultimately to guard and heal when harm threatens. I must seek him wholeheartedly for any decision, and every interaction. Then, I must exercise the responsibility of standing firm upon my beliefs. With that, I can be confidant that as I honor the calling and convictions of Christ, I will in turn be blessed for my obedience and discretion.

So, the next time you receive the warning to “guard your heart” remember whence true protection comes. Let the one who rightly holds the authority to govern your deepest treasures. Walk slowly and confidently with righteousness as your aim, and resolve to hold strongly to that which is important to you. Do not settle, and do not give up. Trust that you are in good hands, and walk wisely.

Setting the boundaries

As a parent, it can often be difficult to figure out how to set boundaries for our children. Most of the time, we use the boundaries we had as kids as our gauge. For me, a lot of what I was taught as a child became quite valuable to me as an adult. I was raised with solid moral values and pretty firm boundaries and I’ve tried to teach those same things to my kids.

My children were also raised with a solid and strong faith in God. That has played the most important role in raising them. I truly believe that boundaries are more easily set when using the Word of God as our guide. I understand as times change, the way we set our boundaries does too. But when we stick to the basics as given to us by the Father, I believe we’ll see true fruit.

We need to teach our children the first commandment; which is to love God with all their heart. When they have that love for the Lord, everything else flows out of it. We need to teach them how to love others; the golden rule of always doing the right thing to other people. We need to teach them respect and obedience to God and to those in authority. We need to teach them to respect themselves, enough so they make the right decisions when faced with the temptations of the world. We need to teach them responsibility. They need to learn to WORK for what they want and not just expect it to be handed to them. We need to teach them to reach for the stars; to be the best they can possibly be; not just for themselves, but as unto the Lord to serve His purpose in their lives.

There was a study done many years ago with a group of young school children in a playground. Some were sent out to play where there were no fences, or with no boundary lines. Another group had a more structured play area that included fences. The study showed that the children that knew they had a boundary line were much better behaved than those that were allowed to play without one. Children need boundaries.

Humanity doesn’t always like rules, but we know how necessary they are. Just think what chaos there would be if NO ONE stopped for a red light. Having to set boundaries doesn’t always make for happy kids. But I’ve explained to my boys that the reasons for boundaries are always with their best interests at heart. My desire is to see them grow up healthy, happy and successful in whatever they are destined to be. As they are getting older, they are beginning to understand and have learned to appreciate the reasons for the boundaries. Think of the caterpillar; it must first enter into a rather restricting cocoon. But as it matures, it’s able to break free into that marvelous butterfly. The boundaries we set as parents are for a season and the goal is the same. To see them become the marvelous butterfly that God created them to be.

What is hedonism

The question:

Please explain to me in writing , what is a hedonist and what does he really do? It also leads to affairs. I believe my husband is a hedonist, he denies this when I catch him with wandering eyes - and he did have an affair with a co worker. Please print it out, I’m Deaf and my husband is hearing and I need proof. Please help me out.

The answer:

Your question is slightly complicated, but basically, a hedonist, I believe, in the form you’re suggesting, would be someone who is searching for sexual pleasure. Someone who is out of balance in their need to seek sexual pleasure (i.e. his wandering eyes and the affair). Typically someone who is a hedonist would also be highly self-centered as well.

A hedonist would typically struggle with lusting in his mind toward other women or frequently “undressing” them with his eyes and using his imagination to act out sexual fantasies. His life is all about fulfilling his sexual pleasures and nothing more and this would cause a great deal of conflict in your marriage.

The hedonism would be wrong and unfair, but you would not be the one to confront him or get him to change. Your job would be to simply share your feelings about how his hedonism affects your life and then ask him to join you in your counseling journey. If he says no, then you need to understand that your job is not to change your spouse, that is God’s duty. Your job is to share your feelings and needs, and then take care of yourself and focus on what god wants to do in your own life and work on that.

If your husband refuses to cut off his affair or continues to have affairs, that is totally and completely unacceptable and you need to hold him accountable for his actions. I hope this helps you out.

Mom my ride: only watch this if you need a healthy laugh!

Resources to get if your husband isn’t interested in sex

The question:

Finally, I am starting to hear I am not alone. I am not the only woman with strong desires and need for sex, living with a husband that cares alot less about it. It is frustrating and hurtful. The rejection is very hard to handle.

Are there any books or resources that can help?

The answer:

I’m thrilled to see the blog is helping you realize that you’re not alone. This is important when it comes to emotional well-being. You have no idea (actually you do since you clearly stated that in your question) how freeing it for someone to hear that they are not alone in their suffering.

Normalization is why I feel so strongly about small groups. Wives and husbands find out, sometimes for the first time, that their spouses aren’t the only ones who clean before the cleaning ladies come or who yell at the TV referee during games.

But you want resources, so I’ll give you resources:

• The Secret to Sexual Intimacy DVD - this is a special DVD my wife and I filmed for couples and it comes with a printable workbook that has everything you need to get your sex life back on track.
• Sheet Music - by Kevin leman

These two would be an excellent start to your library.  If the problem is too intense, then I would recommend a one-day Marriage Restoration Intensive because books or DVD’s aren’t going to help an issue that is routed in deep woundedness.

A testimony for Don’t Date Naked

I always love receiving feedback from people who read our books, take a look at what this young lady wrote about Don’t Date Naked:

First and foremost, I would like to thank you for your book, Don’t Date Naked; it has changed my life. I am a twenty-year old lady, and still single, I have come to learn that most men are after sex, and your book has encouraged me to stay pure.

At one time I was tempted (like what also happened to Amy when she invited Jeremy to her house). I managed to stop because the guy was man enough to respect my decision not to have sex before marriage.

Your book is teaching many youths to abstain and I think you really did a good job. May God continue to bless you in Jesus’ name!

Thanks for the encouragement

What God can not do

What God can’t do? Oh, yes, I believe there are a few things God can’t do. No way, He can do all things….isn’t that what I’ve been taught my entire Christian life? Well, there may be a twist you never thought about before. I know of three specific things God can’t do and I’ve experienced them all this past week!

First, God can’t leave us or forsake us. When God spoke to our hearts and made it very clear we were to adopt from China, a promise was made that God CAN’T break! He promised the Gibson family that He would walk by our side through the entire adoption process and never abandon us. Daily, my prayer is, ”I want to trust in You, Lord, with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways I’ll acknowledge You, and You will make my paths straight.” (Prov. 3:5)

As I shared before, we did not have the funds to move forward with our home study. Step 1 in the adoption process! We were frozen in place, not able to move. We cried out to Jesus our desires and specific needs. WOW…was He faithful!

A miracle happened on March 3rd! I was fixing tacos for dinner and while the meat was simmering, I opened up the mail. I was excited to see a letter from our twenty something “adopted” daughter from Kanakuk Institute. She had visited us the week before and we were able to share with her our great news of adoption. She listened as we shared our hearts and encouraged us with her joyful spirit. As I opened her letter, a check dropped to the floor. I gasped as I picked it up and saw the amount written…. it was for $1,000 dollars! I started weeping and shaking as I shoved the check in my hubby’s hands. We both just stared at the letter and check. We were speechless! She had written these precious words of love:

“GIBSONS, The family of God knows no limits. In the earlier days of the Israelites, they raised their children as a community. Since they were all under the law of Moses, they all shared the same beliefs of obedience and faithfulness. With your faithfulness to follow the Lords call to adopt a little girl, it seems that you will get to do the same thing as the Israelites…raising up others in the ways of the Lord! I rejoice already for that little girl! I have already begun to pray for her salvation that she may also be a part of our heavenly family….

As we sat talking about the girl ya’ll wanted to adopt, I immediately knew that I wanted to be a part of that process…and not just in prayer. The Gibson Family extends beyond Branson…to Boston…to China (Beijing, perhaps?), and I am so blessed to be a part of what God is doing through ya’ll! As a family that I know will always be there for me, please know that the opposite is also true! And if you need help with paperwork, I would love to come and visit!” Love, Jenny
2 Chronicles 16:9, I Cor. 2:9

We called Jenny immediately and shared the news that with her gift of love, we could start our home study and were waiting for our family coordinator to call and set the appointment.

God just can’t break His promises! He is always faithful!

……..to be continued

Live like there’s no tomorrow

This past Christmas, my son gave me a book to read when he came home for college break. He told me that the book had really moved him because it had certain elements that reminded him of the relationship he and I have. I just picked it up to read yesterday, and got through it very quickly.

The title of the book is “One More Day”, by Mitch Albom. Without giving the entire book away, it’s the story of a man who, because of many poor decisions in his life, considers himself a failure. He’s lost his wife and daughter due to these decisions and is in deep despair. He decides to try to take his life and while he lay in state of unconsciousness, he sees his mother, who had died eight years before. This “visit” brings back so many memories for him as well as sheds new light on some things.

The main character has vivid memories of his mom; food she cooked, things she wore, the way she smelled. He remembers so many times that she stood up for him and how hard she worked for her children. He recalls the many letters she wrote him during the most important times of his life. He remembers some of the times she embarrassed him (as only Moms can do). But all in all, this man remembers a mother that gave everything she had for her kids. She loved them unconditionally and did all she could to make their lives the best they could be.

The further I got into this book, the more I was able to see some of the comparisons my own son made and it really made me cry. You see, I have always tried to put all I had into my kids. I know that I have not always done it perfectly and have made plenty of mistakes, but I think I’ve given it my all. And I think my kids know that.

I, too, began writing letters to my son as he started high school. I’ve written him one for every major step in his life. And through the years, while cleaning his room, or helping him pack to leave for school, I’ve found these letters kept safely somewhere. They mean something to him. I know he loves and appreciates my cooking, (which is always a good feeling for a mom), and I know some of the fondest memories he has of his childhood have to do with things we have done together. He had a couple of tough years, but no matter what, I tried to understand him and see him through them. I never gave up on him. That, too, has meant everything to him. Today, we are very close and I am so thankful for that.

Several years ago, my own dad asked his kids to write something about him and our memories of him. He wanted to know what we think of him. I wrote from my heart recounting some memories and telling what I believe I’ve learned from my dad. He didn’t say much when he first read it, but later told me that he never realized just how much he influenced my life.

Now, I don’t write this with pride. I give all the credit to my heavenly Father for showing me the way to raise my kids. Being a parent isn’t easy. And I don’t believe I could ever have done it on my own. I, do, however, write to share a reminder that this little book gave me.

Parents, your children become what you pour into them. They see everything you do. We don’t realize how much we effect them until they’ve grown. Our influence is immeasurable. We have both a responsibility and the privilege of assisting in the greatest thing in the world; shaping a life.

Children, your parents give everything they have to bring you up. They may not do it all right all of the time, but their goal is to do the best they can to see you raised up strong, healthy and a success in life. Don’t ever forget their sacrifice.

I think the reason this book is titled “One More Day”, is because the main character always wanted one more day to see his mom. To be able to say things he didn’t say and to try to right some wrongs. The reason for my title to this entry, is because I would rather live like there’s no tomorrow and say the things I need to say to those I love NOW. I don’t want to feel I need “one more day”.

If you love someone, give everything you have to them. Love them, cherish them, value and honor them. Whether it’s a parent, a child, a friend. Live it all out today!

What has your life become and why: learning how to move beyond the hurt

I was reading from “Listening to Your Life: Daily meditations with Frederick Buechner” this morning and couldn’t believe what I discovered (I was even cheating and reading ahead a few days.).

I think you will find Frederick Buechner’s thoughts on therapy and the work of a counselor quite helpful:

After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God came strolling through the cool of the day and asked them two questions: “Where are you?” and “What is this that you have done?” Psychotherapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, and the like have been asking the same ones ever since.

“Where are you?” lays bare the present. They are in hiding, that’s where they are. What is it they want to hide? From whom do they want to hide it? What does it cost them to hide it? Why are they so unhappy with things as they are that they are trying to conceal it from the world by hiding, and from themselves by covering, their nakedness with aprons?

“What is this that you have done?” lays bare the past. What did they do to get this way? What did they hope would happen by doing it? What did they fear would happen? What did the serpent do? What was it that made them so ashamed?

God is described as cursing them then, but in view of his actions at the end of the story and right on through the end of the New Testament, it seems less a matter of vindictively inflicting them with the consequences than of honestly confronting them with the consequences. Because of who they are and what they have done, this is the result. There is no undoing it. There is no going back to the garden.

But then comes the end of the story where God with his own hands makes them garments of skins and clothes them. It is the most moving part of the story. They can’t go back but they can go forward clothed in a new way – clothed, that is, not in the sense of having their old defenses again behind which to hide who they are and what they have done but in the sense of having a new understanding of who they are and a new strength to draw on for what lies before them to do now.

Many therapists wouldn’t touch biblical teachings with a ten-foot pole, but in their own way, and at their best, they are often following them.

People come to me because they are hurting. I’m not sure anyone has ever come because they are doing the hurt, unless of course he was ordered by the court system. There are real consequences to the choices made in the garden long ago, but as Buechner points out, there’s a loving God who actually cares enough to stand beside us and offer something we need.

The question is what do you need? Where have you been hurt? What are the specifics surrounding your circumstances? Go to God and experience the kind of loving attention Adam and Eve received, even after the apple.

Is there a cure for relational stupidity?

I just finished reading Andy Stanley’s “The Best Question Ever”, where he claims to have found a method for making every decision in a way that would avoid regret and the adverse consequences most often associated with poor decision making. He bases his work on the Biblical command of Ephesians 5: 15, calling us to be wise in everything we do. Honestly, that passage has been written on note cards, highlighted in Bibles, and even memorized faithfully within my 25 years of existence. But, I have to admit that I question my ability to successfully adopt it, especially in the realm of relationships. Of course I never mean to act foolishly or place myself in precarious situations, so when it comes down to it, I need a way to tangibly apply it to my life!

Ok, so what is the best question ever? Well, it appears almost anticlimactic and maybe a bit too common sense, but here it is…
“What is the wise thing to do?”

Now, hold on, before you stop reading, discounting his question as simply a restatement of the verse above, ask yourself this: Is there anything in your past that you regret? Is there any mess you have suddenly found yourself apart of, without recognizing how you actually got there? If the answer is yes, then keep reading…
Notice, He doesn’t ask “what does your heart tell you to do?”, or “what do you feel like doing?” He doesn’t even ask “what is the right thing to do?”, or “what can you get away with?” He objectifies things. In the following chapters he goes on to apply, under the umbrella of God given precepts, a few personal variables; adding to the equation, the status of one’s individual present responsibilities, past mistakes and tendencies, and future goals and desires. (notice, it does no good to compare yourself to others, because what could be wise for them may not be wise for you).

In the realm of relationships, instead of utilizing the threefold perspectives of wisdom, I think most of us are guilty of using the questions mentioned previously. We honestly and whole heartedly desire to do what is right, but unfortunately allow the clutter of personal justification, heightened emotions, social pressure, poor planning, ignorance, and instant gratification to be our guide.

As I was contemplating my past relational mistakes, the majority of them started off not as wrong, but as unwise. As I pondered more, (not a very comfortable thing to do, I might add) the beginning of my foolishness started with a few very small, almost forgettable initial indiscretions. It was a tiny compromise here, an “innocent” interaction there, an overstepped conviction, or the excuse of just plain “following my heart”. Ok, I am embarrassed now! But truly, these things, what started out small, ultimately snowballed into what later became “my skeletons”, or, aka, regret and disappointment. Of course I did not ever plan to find myself there, the problem is, I didn’t plan not too. Andy encourages extreme emotional and physical boundaries, saying that “if you don’t decide some of these things ahead of time, somebody else will decide for you. If you don’t have your own personal standards, somebody else will force theirs on you.” (pg 139) And, for the record, good intentions don’t count unless followed through upon. As singles, trying to maneuver through the waters of socially acceptable immorality, and confusion; I believe that if we adopt the principle of addressing each decision, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, through what is wise in the eyes of our past, present, and future, we will one day be able to look back with freedom, confidence, and understanding, instead of regret and frustration.

Perspective

My son is down to the left and the children to the right are the little brother and sister of our adopted daughter from World Vision.

Now that’s perspective.

Why can’t following God eliminate our Core Relational Fears?

The Question:

I’m an Indonesian and live in Indonesia.

Just want to ask one question: why does following God not destroy our core fear? What is wrong with our way in following God?

I think this is an important question we should answer, since man faithful Christians also suffer bad relationships in their life (I experienced it once and getting better now, and I know many who experienced it and still have problems with it).

Please help answering this question.

Thank you.

The Answer:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful, and probably very brave question. Rarely does a Christian ask such a vital and honest question of God, and of others, and I’m so thankful you did.

I believe the answer you might be looking for is not a simple one, I wish it were, but it is not. Because what you are dealing with is the issue of sin. While living on this earth, there is no freedom, from my understanding, of the issue of sin. We are born into sin, live in sin, and die because of sin. Thanks be to Christ that, if we put our faith in Him, when we die, we are saved and can experience eternal life. But that does not mean we can eliminate the hurt and muck we got ourselves into once sin entered into this world.

Now, it’s not that God can’t eliminate our Core Relational Fears, God can do anything, but we live under the consequences of our choices, and some of those consequences are the CRF’s.

But here’s the best news of all! If you want satisfying relationships, it’s not about eliminating CRF’s, it’s about changing how you respond when your CRF’s are pushed! If you are feeling rejected, controlled, like a failure, stupid, inferior, helpless, unworthy, etc., and you respond by being judgmental, critical, unforgiving, impatient, unkind, or by lashing out then you are not going to be happy in your relationships.

However, if you respond differently, when your CRF’s are pushed or revealed, like being kind, patient, merciful, gracious, emotionally mature, and communicate well. Then your relationships will not be victims of your CRF’s but rather you will learn how to cope with your CRF’s in a far more healthy manner that actually leads you to a better relationship as opposed to a more distant relationship.

Back to your original question When you follow God, the strength to respond differently to our CRF’s comes from Him! Prayer, a community of faith, and actively pursuing a life like Christ are all excellent ways to learn how to respond to our CRF’s in a more Christlike manner.

How you define an affair

The question:

I have listened to this and I especially appreciate you defining emotional abuse. Now I ask that you define affair. I am the believer in my home, my husband who does not believe uses 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 to justify his actions. I try to forgive and forget and then I find out he is maintaining relationships, friendships and contact with past lovers and meeting new women, sending cards, making calls, and I am almost certain one of them visits our city to see him. How does this apply when dealing with an unbeliever? He is in the world and he is doing what people in the world do, lie, cheat and whore around. How do I as a believer deal with this madness?

The verse for those of you who want to know:

And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband[a] brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. (1 Corinthians 7:13-14)

The answer:

First let me help you understand something very much, God loves both you and your husband very much, but he certainly hates sin! We can never just pick and choose verses at our liking and use them out of context, especially to foster sinful behavior. It dishonors the Bible, God, others, and ourselves! I cannot be plainer about this point!

My blood boils when people use the Bible to further their own selfish wants and desires and I’m truly sorry your husband somehow found this obscure verse and has used it to “keep you in check”.

It is totally and completely unacceptable for him to maintain romantic elationships with other women outside of your marriage. Of course I do not have both of you sitting in front of me, and I am not hearing his side of the story, but if what you are telling me is true, I would give him 7 to 14 days to cut these relationship off compeletely and repent for what he has done and to start the process of reconciliation with you (If you are willing to do so, which I would highly recommend, especially if there are children involved.)

An affair is defined in two basic ways, in my opinion:

1. An emotional affair
2. A physical affair

An emotional affair is when your spouse is overly sharing feelings with someone of the opposite sex and connecting inappropriately on an emotional level, and frankly, to spite emotionally connecting with you. Emotional affairs usually begin because your spouse feels disconnected from you or is injured emotionally and does not feel safe and thus has a strong need to connect with someone else and begins to share with that someone intimate details of your relationship. This typically leads to a physical affair.

A physical affair is obvious; you have sexual relations, which we will not go to former president Clinton for help in defining what that means!

The importance of a weekly date night!

Do you know how important it is to date your mate? Probably not, because too few couples actually take the time to date! I’m tired of meeting with couples in my counseling office and hearing the same old story to the following question, “When was the last time you took your spouse out on a date?”

The answers are varied but all of them point to the same problem…too many couples fall into the trap of datelessness.  If you want to have a happy marriage than you must spend fun time together.  Make it a priority to spend at least one night a week together having fun.

This doesn’t have to cost you any money, so all the cheap scates out there can just sit down and relax A date night can consist of putting the kids down early and sitting out on the back porch and simply talking and laughing, or watching your favorite show together while snuggling on the couch.

The most important thing is that you put it on your schedule or it won’t ever happen!

{democracy:16}

When should I divorce my spouse: a special focus on affairs

My latest podcast asks the question, “What if my spouse has had an affair?”  You won’t want to miss this one! Listen to this important podcast because many marriage suffer from side-effects of an affair and you will want to know what to do about it.

How big is your bed?

Don’t jump to conclusions! This post is not about what you think it is.
A local paper here in New York had an interesting article today. It was regarding whether or not parents should allow children to sleep in their bed. At one point in the article one parent is quoted as saying that they allow it because no one has enough fight in them at 3 am to argue the point and allowing it seems to promise the most amount of sleep to the most people in the house. Now, again, my boys are teenagers, so the point is moot for me personally. But it got me wondering what other parents might think on this subject. Let me give you my opinion and then I’d love to hear yours.

When my boys were little, we allowed them in our bed for two reasons. One was if they were really sick and running a fever. My oldest son suffered from chronic ear infections and croup as a young boy and always ran very high fevers. My youngest suffered from strep throat and also ran very high fevers. When they were this sick, I needed to keep them close to keep an eye on them. The only other reason we allowed them in, was after a nightmare of some kind when we felt they needed the comfort and reassurance of their Mom and Dad. Other than that, we just never permitted it. Now, when they were small, we always left our bedroom door open so they could come in if something was wrong. We never made them feel like they were unwelcome or unable to come to us if they needed to. But sleeping in the bed was just unnecessary. There were plenty of nights we went to them in their room to comfort them and sometimes wait for them to fall asleep, but in their own beds.

As they got older, we tried to teach them to respect Mom and Dad’s privacy and if the door was (or is) closed, we expected them to knock and wait for a response before entering. My youngest is very good at honoring this request; he patiently waits for a “come in” before he enters. Our 19 year old still doesn’t seem to have gotten the message though, and will enter as he knocks. It is quite annoying.

The point is, that I feel it’s ok for Mom and Dad to have their own space that is private. I mean, the kids pretty much take over the rest of the house until they move out, so we should at least have one little corner to call our own. And I think our bed qualifies as that little corner.

Although I think there may be an occasional reason for a child to need the closeness of Mom and Dad in the middle of the night, I feel like allowing them to climb in bed every night just because they want their own way may create a long term problem.

What’s your opinion?