An excellent response to the ridiculousness of cohabitation…Did I just say that cohabitation is ridiculous?

Thank you John for your thoughtful response to Amy’s (not my wife, but a reader) comment on cohabitation. I love the debate and wanted to highlight it for all the readers to enjoy:

In response to Amy:

Study after study has shown that cohabitation is related to relationship instability.

Children born under cohabitating circumstances are more likely to be victims of abuse. There’s higher indicdences of depression, abuse, and instability.

Marriages that are a result of cohabitation are less stable.

http://www.mafamily.org/Cohabitation.htm

Yes, correlation does not equal causation, but why is it that there has not been any significant study that has shown any benefit to cohabtitation? If cohabitation was such a great thing, why are there so many negatives seemingly associated with it, yet not really one positive?

Marriages that occur after cohabitation result in a higher rate of divorce. Kids are more likely to be victimized in cohabitating scenarios.

So basically, cohabitation offers no real benefits according to current research AND has not been shown to offer any positive factors on a relationship.

Fantastic.

People need to quit living in this dream world.

You can read the article and comments here.

I’m slowing turning into a woman

I’ve always known that I’m sensitive, and ever sense I became a male cheerleader to try and get Amy Johnston (who’s now my wife) to marry me I’ve been changed in ways I’ll never get back. Case in point, a few days ago I was standing at the counter at Chic-fil-a.

I was minding my own business when I sat my murse on the counter top to get money out for the three delicious small vanilla cones I’d ordered for my family. You might be wondering what a “murse” is, and here is where my problems start. A murse is a male carry-all, you probably saw the episode on Seinfeld where Jerry had the European hand bag. I have one from Target - and I call it a murse. It’s just one of the ways I’ve become more like a woman. I’m sensitive, like to talk a lot, carry a murse, and wait till you hear what happened next.

I wasn’t facing the counter as I dug deep into my murse trying to find the money for the vanilla cones when out of my left ear I heard the comment, “What a beautiful purse!” It came from the young lady working the register, and here is the worst part of the story, my back was turned to her and I assumed she was talking to me!

So I spun proudly around with a huge smile on my face to say, “thank you”, when I realized that she was - in fact - not talking to me but talking to the woman standing next to me who clearly had a far more superior and beautiful purse!

That is the moment I realized I have a problem, which is the first step in any major recovery program. I was mortified that I assumed the counter girl was talking to me when she commented about a “beautiful purse”! My masculinity took a shot that day and I’m not completely sure why I’m sharing it with you today, other than to help you feel better about yourself - or to purge my psyche of this problem.

Clearance special on the Embrace marriage seminar (audio series)

Do not miss this opportunity to revitalize your marriage or the marriages in your church!

The Embrace Seminar audio series is designed from the Smalley Marriage Institute’s extraordinarily successful Couples Intensive program that is over 90% successful in keeping couples in crisis together! That’s 90% successful in turning hearts back toward each other!

“Our desire is to serve pastors and help them build stronger marriages and families.” Michael Smalley

Who is this for?
Any couple interested in a thriving marriage! If you are feeling stuck and can not seem to rise above the daily grind, then this special audio series can help increase your marital satisfaction.

Pastors wanting to start a marriage revolution in their church! This series comes with everything you need to make an immediate impact on the marriages in your church. You get the PowerPoint files, session notes, and session handouts for your members!

Even couples wanting a good marriage to become great will experience benefit through this seminar!

What do you get?
Seven sessions that can completely revolutionize your marriage! A humorous and transparent speaking team who is actually married! An in-depth study guide (with unlimited printing allowed!) with thought provoking discussion questions, marriage tests, and more.

“The Smalleys were so honest about their own marriage, it was truly amazing how they openly shared their own struggles
and how they overcame them!” attendee

THE SEVEN SESSIONS

1. Why Marriages are Miserable
2. Healing Wounded Hearts
3. The Power of One
4. Resolving Your Toughest Conflicts
5. Creating Safety in Chaos
6. How HOT is your SEX life?
7. Loving You by Loving Me

“I came expecting to be bored and found out that the Smalleys are hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing the entire time!” attendee

BONUS DATA CD

You will also get the following on a special bonus CD:

1. PowerPoint of each session.
2.. Session handouts with fill-in-the-blanks for small groups or church memebers on a Sunday.
3. Session notes to match the handouts.
4. MP3 audio files of each session so you can put the seminar on your favorite MP3 player.
5. In-depth study guide as a PDF file so you can have unlimited amounts of prints for your family, small group, or church.

Purchase today for only $24.95

A new feed URL for blog readers

For those who are receiving our content via a blog reader, we are launching a new feed URL today April 26, 2007:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gosmalley

Thanks for your cooperation in changing your settings and we apologize for any inconvenience this causes.

LUV Talk cards back on site

I’ve finally gotten the LUV Talk cards back on my site. These cards are wonderful helpers if you’ve learned our communication method through a DVD series, book, or Marriage Restoration Intensive.

There are now two different ones you can download, they both say the exact same thing, but one is just a single card that you can print out from your computer, the other is actually an entire page full the of cards, 9 cards in all, that you can print out. All you have to do is cut the card from the sheet and put it in your wallet for future use.

My wife and I had to do this for a while when we first learned this communication method. It’s a great way to keep you arguments under control. Just visit the “free” section of our website to download the cards.

How to survive the miserable times with your spouse: a readers perspective

I had to share this comment by one of the brilliant readers of the blog:

Thank you for addressing this issue. I just wanted to say that for my own marriage of 20 years, I have stayed through the miserable times because the “smooth-over” and “make-up” times really do make me forget how rough it had been just a few days or weeks or months before. I considered the idea that I may be “co-dependent”, but I don’t think that’s the case for me. I needed to recognize that my spouse mirrors and reflects my moods (although he seems louder than me!) When I am feeling unappreciated, I can bet he is too. The trick is to be the giver at that moment. That has been so hard to learn and to practice. I have a ways to go yet. Thank you for your work, it has been very helpful!

What a great response and I can clearly tell you’ve been on a mature spiritual journey that has taken you to a very good place!

The 80/20 rule of following God’s will for your life

I spoke this last weekend in Victoria, Texas and was blown away by an incredible insight given by the pastor I spoke with, Scott Weatherford. Listen to what I learned and discover how confident you can truly be on the front end of following God’s will when it comes to change in your life.

Why being a big fat loser doesn’t bother me

It’s early Sunday morning in Victoria, Texas and I spoke for the first time for Parkway Church last night at their Saturday night service. I shared the podium with their long time pastor, and founder, Scott Weatherford, and our message was basically about overcoming the barriers of fear that keeps us from acting on God’s call on our lives.

My main point was on the barrier of inferiority! I’m not sure why Scott felt led to give me that point, but I didn’t take it personally. But as I was listening to him give his first points, I realized that my entire life has been rot with inferiority, but It’s never kept me from trying what God has prompted me to do.

I started off life with a severe speech impediment that took me nearly four years of constant speech therapy to overcome and now I’m a professional speaker! My ACT score in high school was a dismal 17, which most colleges and universities require a minimum of a 21 just to get in! My GPA in high school was a 2.4, college 2.4, masters 3.0 (only because they did not give a grade of a C). Now I’m almost finished with my Ph.D in Psychology from Northcentral University with a 4.0 grade point average! I’ve been clinically diagnosed with ADHD, my pants don’t fit like they used to, I’m down to one kidney, my son is in the fourth grade and has already surpassed my mathematical ability for me to help him with his homework!

I graduated 24th in my class in high school, out of 25 kids!

What I realized last night was for some reason, none of these inferiorities ever stopped me from doing what God had planned for my life. It never once occured to me that I wasn’t good enough to be a speaker and a writer! Can you imagine that! With all that failure in education and speech, I never doubted God’s calling in my life that I was going to be a speaker and a writer.

Maybe I was too slow to ever really think about it, which I guess was the true blessing!

I want to leave you with a quote from Max Lucado’s most recent book, Facing Your Giants, “Focus on your giants, and you will stumble…focus on God and your giants will tumble.”

(Clearance special on our Embrace audio seminar small group curriculum - $24.95)

Family Devotional: Listening to God’s voice: the gift of the Holy Spirit

What happens when we listen to God’s voice? More importantly, how do we listen to God’s voice and who is talking to us? When Christ died on the cross and then defeated death on the third day and rose again, he not only conquered death, but he also gave us an incredible gift - the Holy Spirit when he said, “The disciples, seeing the Master with their own eyes, were exuberant. Jesus repeated his greeting: ‘Peace to you. Just as the Father sent me, I send you.’ Then he took a deep breath and breathed into them. ‘Receive the Holy Spirit,’ he said.” (John 20: 20-23 MSG)

I often try and help my kids understand that the Holy Spirit is our “gut feeling” about things we should and shouldn’t do in life. Those moments of “conviction”. The Holy Spirit is much more, but this aspect of the Holy Spirit is something I want my children to understand and to set free in their own lives…to receive! What a gift our children would have but to receive the prompting and guidance of the Holy Spirit in their lives!

“When he comes, he’ll expose the error of the godless world’s view of sin, righteousness, and judgment: He’ll show them that their refusal to believe in me is their basic sin; that righteousness comes from above, where I am with the Father, out of their sight and control; that judgment takes place as the ruler of this godless world is brought to trial and convicted.” John 16:8 MSG

The Devotional

26 Later God’s angel spoke to Philip: “At noon today I want you to walk over to that desolate road that goes from Jerusalem down to Gaza.” 27 He got up and went. He met an Ethiopian eunuch coming down the road. The eunuch had been on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem and was returning to Ethiopia, where he was minister in charge of all the finances of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians. 28 He was riding in a chariot and reading the prophet Isaiah. 29 The Spirit told Philip, “Climb into the chariot.” 30 Running up alongside, Philip heard the eunuch reading Isaiah and asked, “Do you understand what you’re reading?” 31 He answered, “How can I without some help?” and invited Philip into the chariot with him. 32 The passage he was reading was this: As a sheep led to slaughter, and quiet as a lamb being sheared, He was silent, saying nothing. 33 He was mocked and put down, never got a fair trial. But who now can count his kin since he’s been taken from the earth? 34 The eunuch said, “Tell me, who is the prophet talking about: himself or some other?” 35 Philip grabbed his chance. Using this passage as his text, he preached Jesus to him. 36 As they continued down the road, they came to a stream of water. The eunuch said, “Here’s water. Why can’t I be baptized?” 38 He ordered the chariot to stop. They both went down to the water, and Philip baptized him on the spot. 39 When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of God suddenly took Philip off, and that was the last the eunuch saw of him. But he didn’t mind. He had what he’d come for and went on down the road as happy as he could be. Acts 8:26-39

What happened when Philip listened to the prompting in his life? Did he obey? God will speak to you through the Holy Spirit and will prompt you to action, what will you do when those times come in your life? Will you listen like Philip?

All I can say is that when we listen to God’s will for our lives, things go well, they are not always easy, but they always work for our best, that is a promise. I have too many examples in my own life to share, and this would be a great time to share with your children a time when God spoke to you and you listened.

For Philip, his prompting lead to one of the most important transformations imaginable for someone, the acceptance of Christ! Many times that is exactly what God is asking of us, and if we ignore His prompting, we might be denying someone the chance to experience the healing and saving grace of a relationship with Christ.

Possible Questions:

1. What is a Eunuch? (so be prepared and more information here.)
2. How do I accept Christ?
3. Will the Holy Spirit make a real audible sound?
4. What if I don’t ever “hear” the Holy Spirit’s prompting?

If your child is concerned about #4, no worries, all you have to do is pray with your child and ask for that special gift. Something like, “Lord, help us hear your prompting in our life. Help me hear the Holy Spirit’s guidance in my life and be open to your will in everything I do.”

We are going to be on LIFE Today!

You’re invited to be in the studio audience when Amy and I rock the studio at LIFE Today in Euless, Texas, Tuesday, May 1st at 7 pm. Singer, songwriter Kathy Trocolli will be the guest host that evening. Tickets are free, but you must reserve your seat. To do that, call 817-354-3655 or e-mail audience@loi.org. The studios are located just minutes from DFW International Airport at 1801 West Euless Boulevard, Euless, Texas 76060.

We’ll be sharing about our latest book, More than a Match: how to turn the dating game into lasting love. So if you’re single and want to know the most important compatibility traits or how to break off a bad relationship, then this is the show for you!

The big contest!

We are getting ready to launch a new marriage live event and curriculum series, but we need your help! Below is a survey with 4 possible titles, please choose the title you think is best for our new live event and curriculum series. If you don’t like any of them, or want to tweak one of them slightly, feel free to click on the link that reads “Add an Answer” and then enter one of your own titles.

In one week we will choose a winner who will receive the live event DVD series! So good luck and happy voting

Here is a sampling of some of the topics that will be covered in the new seminar and curriculum series:

Renewing Spirituality
Learn to respect each other’s spiritual differences to connect on a spiritual level and grow closer together like never before.
Anger
Learn how to communicate in your anger and open up the heart of someone you’ve wounded through anger.
Dealing with Expectations
Learn how to fulfill expectations in a way that actually honors your relationship instead of stressing it out!
Redefining Men & Women
Learn the real difference between men and women, how these affect your relationship, and how to become one despite your differences. You will discover why men need to be admired and successful and women want to be valued and cared for.

The fear of being inadequate and what to do about it!

Do you ever fear that you simply aren’t good enough? That no matter what you do in life or for your mate, parent, or boss, that it simply won’t matter because at the core of your being, your worthless?

Moses felt the same way when God asked him to set His people free from the hands of the Egyptians:

Moses raised another objection to God: “Master, please, I don’t talk well. I’ve never been good with words, neither before nor after you spoke to me. I stutter and stammer.” God said, “And who do you think made the human mouth? And who makes some mute, some deaf, some sighted, some blind? Isn’t it I, God? So, get going. I’ll be right there with you - with your mouth! I’ll be right there to teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:10-12

The fear of inadequacy will often keep you from experiencing some of the most beautiful things in life. It almost kept Moses from freeing his people and miraculous events that turned the hearts of an entire nation back toward God!

What have you been missing in life due to your fear of inadequacy? A closer marriage? Friendships? Children who can seek you for comfort and not the other way around? Here’s the secret to Exodus 4:10-12, “I’ll be right there with you - with your mouth! I’ll be right there to teach you what to say.”

If you ever feel alone in your struggle of worthlessness and inadequacy, then you haven’t acknowledged the fact that God is standing right beside you waiting for you to reach out for Him. What an awesome gift! What an awesome friend to have, and He’s right there beside us, waiting to help us and guide us toward a better life in Him.

I tell individuals and couples all the time in the counseling room this same statement. I don’t change people, God does. The key to experiencing the freedom from your most disturbing hurt is to allow God access. Once you’ve moved aside, God will set you free and take you to your Promise Land.

Turning fire into life: A lesson from the Jackpine

I was camping many years ago as a small child, and took a nature class from a park ranger. We went on a beautiful and adventurous hike through the woods, examining all types of birds, rocks, rodents, and plants. A memorable highlight was learning about the Jackpine, a type of tree whose seeds can only be released by the intense heat and devastation of a forest fire! As the rest of the woodland wilts and burns around it, the mighty Jack pine actually blossoms! Though the outside is badly injured, and much of its former life is laid to rest, the act of succumbing to its death, actually gives opportunity for future life to continue. From the decay and trauma comes a birth of potential and vibrance. I can’t help but relate the tree’s resilience and fortitude to the inner workings of the human heart. In my nearly 26 years of existence, I have seen my fair share of fire; initially, mercilessly threatening to destroy every trace of hope, joy, and vitality. But just when it looks like the damage is beyond repair, when life can no longer continue on my own accord, and death is certain; my God in Heaven, creator of my heart and soul, orchestrator of the past, present, and future, not only restores, but actually creates fresh life in the process! As I watch my former life; a forest built upon routine, control, and towering branches of so called success, collapse so easily against the flames of heart ache, disappointment, and questioning, the Lord is able to release my heart to seed into beautiful stalks of wisdom, character, and strength. Although we as humans naturally try to avoid pain at all costs; it is the vehicle that often produces the most worthwhile development. So, I urge you, as fire threatens, and heat begins to singe, allow the flames of trial, unavoidable circumstance, indiscretion, and mistakes, form the soil for hope and renewal. Embrace the fatality of former things, burned through the blessed flames, and claim the victory of power and control given by the grace and favor of God. For, it is when death eludes the state of self, that the Lord can then create an entirely new life. So, let Him take the dross of sorrow and the mire of mistakes, and fertilize your soul to form deep roots, capable of maturing and restoring in ways far more capable of your divine purpose!

I urge you to view the mistakes and trials of the past as stepping stones for growth. Let the past stay there, but let your future brim with freshness and vibrance, as the fires around you become the very mechanism of life!

Why you won’t leave a miserable spouse

She has lived with her abusive husband for over 38 years, her parents and siblings have told her to leave, a Christian counselor has told her to leave, yet she still wants to know if she should stay in the marriage. Why do women stay in abusive relationships? Listen to find out!

Marriage is teamwork

In the last week or so, a very interesting topic has popped up on more than one occasion. My husband and I tried to start our spring walking routine this week. Once the weather changes here in New York, we try to walk several times a week for exercise. (Unfortunately, the weather cooperated for only a day or two, so we’re in limbo for a while). While we walk, we use that time for some great discussion. This particular time we discussed the term “our” in marriage. A few days following, I saw a video clip that showed a specific instance where a marriage was very one-sided. Having gotten the hint, I began thinking that a teaching was in the making and thought I’d post my initial thoughts here.

Marriage is supposed to be a team effort. Now, I know this is not a new idea to many of you and may very well be thinking “DUH!” But sadly, it is not always the case for many couples. Often, stereotypes are developed based on what we learned as kids and what we see around us. The woman is responsible for taking care of the kids and the house, and the man is responsible for bringing home the bacon. NOT!

With a large percentage of women working outside the home today, many of the day to day chores have to be shared. Housework may seem like a trivial example, but it’s the sharing–the teamwork–that makes the point. When something needs to be done, it should just get done. It shouldn’t matter who does it. Couples need to work together to accomplish whatever the goal is. Then, there are the more important matters like raising the kids, making financial decisions and setting career goals. Again, all things that need to be discussed, planned and agreed upon TOGETHER.

The Book of Genesis says that Eve was created as a helper and companion for Adam. When I looked up those two words in several online dictionaries, I found pretty much the same definition and it was quite interesting. The word companion means: a helpful partner; a mate or match for something; intended to complement each other. Do you find the highlighted words interesting? To me, that implies that a husband and wife were created to work together!

Genesis also says that “a man shall leave his mother and father and that the two will become one”. Again, I read that to mean that everything they do, they do in one accord as one flesh. I believe that it was God’s intention from the very beginning for Adam and Eve to be as one. I believe that we were meant to share all things. We should be making decisions TOGETHER and SHARING the responsibilities that come with a family and a home.

We all know there is no “I” in team. And that means going back to one of the biggest responsibilities in living a Christian life. Putting aside our own agendas and working together towards a common goal. Doing marriage as a team fulfills God’s intention and will bring prosperity and joy to your relationship.