Sharing feelings really does help

A new study by UCLA psychologists finds that “talking with a therapist or friend, writing in a journal — helps us to feel better”.   When we share our feelings the sadness, anger and pain can feel less intense.  So the question is who should we share our feelings with?  I suggest the best place for this to occur is in the context of a small group.

Numerous studies have discovered how powerful small groups can be in terms of our emotional satisfaction in life.  Married people should really pay attention to this information.  Dr. David Olson discovered that for couples who attend a marriage enrichment weekend and then follow up the weekend by getting involved in a small group - the changes they experience during the weekend tend to last.  Couples who do not follow up the weekend tend to go back to the way things were within six months.

Small groups tend to foster the sharing of feelings; no wonder they are so effective!

Is your child addicted to video games?

ScienceDaily reported recently that the American Medical Association wants to recognize “video game addiction” as a literal diagnosis. Wikipedia.org defines “video game addiction” as:

Video Game addiction, also called video game overuse, is a proposed form of psychological addiction composed of a compulsive use of computer and video games, most notably massively multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPGs), and related to the also-debated Internet addiction disorder. Instances have been reported in which users play compulsively, isolating themselves from social contact and focusing almost entirely on in-game achievements rather than life events.

Is your child addicted to video games? If he spends more time during the day in front of a video game than interacting with other children and playing outside, then I would suggest he is addicted. The good news is that you are still the parent, which means you can put appropriate boundaries around his gaming to help minimize the addiction.

I would recommend placing time limits per day for gaming activities. You might want to consider having a different time allotment for during the week (Monday through Friday) and on the weekends or holidays. My sons are allowed to play only 30 minutes during the week and one-hour on weekends or holidays each day. That might feel too much or too little for some of you parents, but you must come up with a system that feels right to you.

Once you’ve established the rules, then you must establish the consequences. Rules without consequences are useless. This is the part where you must be fair. Don’t over punish and don’t under punish. Let your child help you establish what the consequences will be, that way he will own them for himself and you don’t end up being the punisher.

Remember, real reality is far more exciting than virtual reality. So help your child find the balance.  The following are warning signs that might indicate your child is addicted (from “Detox for video game addiction“):

Spending a lot of time gaming doesn’t necessarily qualify as an addiction. “Eighty percent of the world can play games safely,” Bakker says. “The question is: Can you always control your gaming activity?”

According to the Center for On-Line Addiction, warning signs for video game addiction include:

• Playing for increasing amounts of time
• Thinking about gaming during other activities
• Gaming to escape from real-life problems, anxiety, or depression
• Lying to friends and family to conceal gaming
• Feeling irritable when trying to cut down on gaming

In addition, video game addicts tend to become isolated, dropping out of their social networks and giving up other hobbies. “It’s about somebody who has completely withdrawn from other activities,” Young says. “One mother called me when her son dropped out of baseball. He used to love baseball, so that’s when she knew there was a problem.”

Nature and God

Matt 6: 28 “…consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin…”

I never cease to feel close to God when surrounded by nature. Why is that? Well, on my most recent walk along the river, I believe I stumbled upon a significant awareness. Nature: the very word, seems to allude to a time of restoration, relaxation, or adventure. Amidst its vast and all encompassing expanse lies a mighty and mysterious power. It can be rugged and harsh, steep and crashing, or silent and still; but it is beyond man made experience in a uniquely intimate fashion. Today I was caught by how closely the serenity and peace of the mountains, the awesome magnitude of the beach, and the fresh vibrance of the river’s edge, seem to mirror the character of God. Nature is in no way God, but I believe it is safe to say that it is one of the most accurate portraits of His personality. In a world of distraction and chaos, with so much to get done and so little time, it can too often become a tooth-pull event to physically and spiritually distance myself from the daily grind. As a Christian, I carry with me a burden for planting, tilling and sowing the seeds of the great commission. And, while that is my duty, and cause, I must confess… more than I like to admit, I let this quest for righteousness, and Kingdom work snuff out quiet moments of sitting in wonder, adoration, and communion with my God.

When I do get away, what I have noticed about my time in nature, is that most often, I am not doing anything of great significance or importance. I am not busying myself with various ministry obligations, or multitasking meetings and chores. I am not even standing amidst a crowd of worshipers gathered together on a Sunday morning. No, it is me and the mountain, unable to do anything but stare. It is me and the ocean, stooping to pick up a tiny shell, or watching as my toes are buried in the tide. I am simply listening to the whisper of the breeze, or letting the pounding surf vibrate through to my heart. It is these moments where my soul so easily touches God. In this place I can bask unhindered in His very personality! Here I find myself faced with the realization that I am smaller than I think, worry more than I should, and run in more directions than are necessary. Oh that I would be more faithful to step out from behind my activity and instead find a spot of dirt at the feet of my Savior!

Today, I encourage you, take time to find a quiet place, engulf yourself in the personality of our God. Rediscover if need be, His creativity, peace, and majesty…even if it is your own back yard!

If this doesn’t inspire you to get along…nothing will

When you can watch a pit bull getting along with baby chicks, then there is hope for a husband and wife learning to get along as well.

Meditation may improve focus and performance

ScienceDaily has an interesting article on the effects of meditation on your daily life:

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania say that practicing even small doses of daily meditation may improve focus and performance.

Meditation, according to Penn neuroscientist Amishi Jha and Michael Baime, director of Penn’s Stress Management Program, is an active and effortful process that literally changes the way the brain works. Their study is the first to examine how meditation may modify the three subcomponents of attention, including the ability to prioritize and manage tasks and goals, the ability to voluntarily focus on specific information and the ability to stay alert to the environment.

I think of meditation as prayer. When I take the time in the morning to simply sit and pray, my day ends up being far more focused and directed. For those of you who know me, that must be hard to believe!

Take the time today to sit somewhere quiet and just be still.

If you’re on an antidepressant you need to read this

There are many people in the US who need an antidepressant to help cope with the effects of depression (hence the word “anti”). Psychology Today recently posted this helpful article on what you can use to enhance the effects of antidepressants:

Help is here for treatment-resistant depression. Vitamin B folate or folic acid—found in citrus fruits, legumes, leafy green vegetables—is now part of the psychiatrist’s arsenal of antidepressants.

But always remember that you must utilize counseling in conjunction with antidepressants for the treatment to actually be helpful. The antidepressant is meant to get your mind clear enough so you can take full advantage of counseling and should not have to be a lifetime drug.

Advice for Paris Hilton and anyone else who’s recently got out of jail

What should Paris do next? I must admit that I did not want to post about Paris, but I can not resist the temptation to jump in with the hoards of media swarming around this story. I watched the walk from jail to her parent’s suburban last night on The Factor with Bill O’Reilly and was actually surprised by her demeanor.

Bill had his body language guru on again, and she evaluated Paris’ walk. I think I can agree with the summation, she started off shy and reserved, but once she passed a young person holding out a huge poster picture of the “celebrity Paris”, her entire walk and mood changed. She looked confident again and her arms started doing that model walk thing once more.

What should Paris do next? I hope the rumors are true about her finding Jesus in jail. If your Paris Hilton, that is probably the only place on earth you could actually find Jesus. I couldn’t imagine the chaos of this young lady’s life, and I know, from personal experience, that you will often find Jesus in your darkest moments.

Being confined for 23 hours out of 24 hours would certainly set the stage for a new life and conversion!

I hope and pray she continues to seek Jesus. That is her only move if she truly wants a life change. I’m a counselor by trade and I know that the only way someone changes, legitimately, is through the power of Christ.

The Two Most Difficult Words

You may or may not have guessed what they are, but in case you haven’t, the two most difficult words in the English language are “I’m sorry”. For some reason, many of us have a very hard time saying it. It’s usually stubbornness, pride or down right defiance, but those two words are pretty important.

The act of forgiveness is crucial in a relationship. We need to be able to forgive and know that we are forgiven as well. Most couples face times of disagreement and things can sometimes get out of hand. When we do something to hurt or offend we need to take responsibility for it. Part of taking responsibility is apologizing. It takes great humility to do this, and it isn’t always easy, but it is essential.

The same applies to all of our relationships. As parents, when we’ve made a mistake we need to be able to go to our children and say I’m sorry. Our kids will never learn to take responsibility for their own actions if they don’t see their most important role models doing the same. Since it all begins in the home, our kids need to see it demonstrated, not just instructed.

Remember though, that the apology itself cannot be merely words. An apology should come from a truly repentant heart, and with repentance comes change. That means that with the words “I’m sorry”, should also come the ACT of change. You should be endeavoring to keep from repeating whatever you did to hurt or offend. That may mean taking a break before saying something you’ll regret, or thinking something through before making a decision that may adversely effect someone else.

Scripture tells us to forgive seventy times seven. But we must also be willing to ask for forgiveness just as many times. As tough as it may sometimes seem, saying, “I’m sorry” will make your relationships better and make you a better person.

This is exactly why you shouldn’t tape yourselves having sex!

I recently answered a question from a couple who wanted to know if it was OK to tape themselves having sex. Here is the first comment received on the post:

Please don’t tape yourselves. We received a video from friends once, I’m sure they would die to know that was on the tape, with some other footage. We were horrified when it appeared. Never could we look at them again. We never mentiioned it, just returned the video thinking they would find it out hopefully and destroy it.

If that doesn’t convince you…then nothing will.

Learn how to resolve the conflict with your teenager - and survive!

If you want to manage the conflict with your teen better, then listen to the following podcast.

Great news for marriages in Texas

Diane Sollee from Smart Marriages had this to say recently about the work done in Texas for marriages:

This is huge. On Fri June 15 Gov Perry of Texas signed the two HISTORIC marriage education bills passed by the state legislature in May. Now they’re a sure thing, a done deal and we can exhale! All you lucky Texas marriage educators - we all envy you.

To remind you, one bill authorizes a set-aside of 1% of Texas TANF money for healthy marriage initiatives - $7.5 million each year for fiscal years 2008 and 2009. This one becomes effective Sept 1, 2007.

The other bill is a premarital education bill that waives the marriage license fee for couples that take an 8-hour premarital preparation course. The course must cover communication, conflict management, and other aspects of healthy marriages. This bill’s effective date is delayed until Sept 2008 so enough educators can be trained across the state. We’ll give them a good head start at the Denver Smart Marriages Conference where more than 200 Texans will be trained as certified Marriage Educators. It’s not too late for the rest of you to get registered.

Our hats-off gratitude goes to Rep WARREN CHISUM sponsor of the legislation; to former Texas Rep ARLENE WOHLGEMUTH who as President of Three Point Strategies shepherded the legislation through the hoops and over the land, mines; and to our own very determined MAGGIE RUSSELL who helped organize a smart, strong marriage education coalition to help write the legislation, lobby and testify. I say she’s our own because she’s attended the last three Smart Marriages Conferences and makes me mighty glad we took the conference to Texas in 04 and 05!! These are clearly MARRIAGE EDUCATION bills.

You can meet Arlene at the Denver Conference and she can fill you in on how they helped their state policy makers see that it makes sense to spend a small percent of TANF/welfare money UPSTREAM to help couples get and stay married and to offer incentives to couples to take a class and get smarter about marriage so they have a chance to keep their life-long vows.

I’m sure Maggie Russell will attend Chris Gersten’s “1% Solution” meetings. See the next message for how to follow this incredible Texas leadership!

Now, there are two important names left off of Diane’s thank you list, Erin Kincaid from ANTHEM in Dallas, Texas and yours truly I must say that working on legislative bills was fun, I never thought I would do anything like that, but I wouldn’t trade the hours in the trenches for anything.

Are you worried that you might never get married?

Listen to this podcast for some encouraging news for singles who want to get married.

The new launch of the Smalley Premarriage Education Experience

I’m proud to announce the launching of our newest one-day program, the Smalley Premarriage Education Experience. If you are getting married then you need to check out this program because it can literally decrease your chances of ever divorcing by more than half!

Engaged couples will spend more money on flowers than they will on getting prepared for marriage. I can not tell you how important it is to get premarital training. It is not counseling, it does not mean you have a “problem relationship”.

Premarital education simply means that you desire to have a strong and lasting marriage. Check out our program and book your Smalley Premarriage Education Experience today!

Is it OK to video tape yourself while having sex with your mate?

The question:

My wife and I have wondered for quite some time if it would be okay to film ourselves in the act of making love? These videos would be for our enjoyment only, store safely away from others, on password protected media.

However, we want to make sure that we are not doing something that runs contrary to the Word of God, but there’s no mention of this in the bible. Also, it’s not something you run by your pastor after church.

Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance for listening to my email.

The answer:

You are right, there is no mention of filming yourself having sex in the bible. I’m pretty sure that technology was not available at the time the bible was written

However, there are guidelines put forth in the bible that can help you decide if this is the best decision. God is very clear about keeping sex between a husband and wife. We also need to honor each other through sex, which means I would never force my wife to do anything she didn’t want to do.

My gut feeling is that you shouldn’t tape yourselves. I know you might feel like the footage is “secure”, but you have to ask yourselves an important question, “Would we ever want any one else seeing this footage?”

If the answer is no, then do not tape them. No matter how safe you think the footage is, it can always be seen by someone else because it exists. I shutter at the thought of ever stumbling on footage of my parents having sex, there wouldn’t be enough years in my life for therapy to heal from the devastation.

If the answer is yes, and you wouldn’t care, then you definitely should not tape yourselves. That becomes pornography for someone else, and you can not do that. Do not set yourselves up to fail in the sexual arena, it is too dangerous to flirt with disaster in your sexual life.

Man of the house

USA Today snapshots for June 14, 2007 reveals some interesting information on the close to 160,000 stay-at-home dads in our country:

60% have two or more children

40% have an annual family income of $50,000 or more

35% have children younger than 3 living with them

All this information takes me back to when I was a stay-at-home dad. I was not making $50,000 or more and I had exactly two kids at home (Both in diapers!). I think more men need to step up to the plate and help take care of the children.

I know there are many men who would hate the idea of staying at home, but sometimes a family needs to be smart and not fundamental when it comes providing for the family. The reality is, women have greater opportunities today to succeed at work.

There is nothing wrong with a man taking care of the kids full-time at home. He can provide for his family by working or staying at home, either way is just as important and masculine.

An easy way to take the pain out of baby showers

When my wife and I moved to Texas, I learned something extremely valuable. It is not a lesson you can learn on the West coast, East coast, or up in the Northern territory of our country.

I learned that women in the South throw major baby showers for their friends, family, and even acquaintances. When you throw a baby shower, you need baby shower party decorations. Because they don’t just throw baby showers, they throw BABY SHOWERS. I recently found this cool site that can help take the pain out of planning baby showers. They have everything you need, in one place, to throw an amazing baby shower.

PartyPail.com is a well designed and easy to surf site for any woman (or man) who is planning a baby shower. Check out their Pooh’s playful baby shower set and discover for yourself how PartyPail makes planning the party easy!

Lebron James’ view on marriage

One of my friends found this quote from an article by Tim Ellsworth:

In a recent interview, James referred to his “wife” Savannah. The reference confused reporters, as they were unaware that James had married his longtime girlfriend.

One reporter asked about it, to which James replied, “Same difference: wife, girlfriend. When she’s living with you, she’s your wife. When she isn’t living with her mother anymore, she’s your wife.”

Hmm. I’ve never heard that before. Let’s see here (thumbing through dictionary) … Ah yes, here it is: “wife — a married woman” according to Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary. That doesn’t sound to me like the definition of “wife” has changed.

So this is what young men are going to think of when it comes to marriage?

The real story at the NBA finals

I don’t usually want to quote much from the popular daytime talk show, The View, on ABC. However, I must make an exception here:

Today on The View (5/11/07) the panel discussed the dilemma facing the Cavalier’s Lebron James and debated the pros and cons of his decision to 1) be in the delivery room for the birth of his second child with his girlfriend or 2) to be with his team as they battle for the crown in the NBA playoff. Some on the panel said they couldn’t imagine the father of their child not being in the delivery room while others said he obviously had to be with his team - that they’d worked all their lives to be in this position. Barbara Walters piped in with “If this is their second child, shouldn’t the question be ‘Why doesn’t he marry her?!’ Isn’t that more important than whether or not he’s in the delivery room?!”

I don’t care how much Lebron scores in this final, which hasn’t been much yet, his total disregard for his family has almost caused me to abandon him as a fan. His girlfriend is expecting their second child and he forcefully reported that he would definitely be with his teammates as opposed to being in the delivery room.

Of course, none of the popular media - except The View - has even remotely touched on the subject of his poor fathering dedication and inability to marry the woman of his two children. Obviously it is OK with Lebron to have sex with this woman and father children, but when it comes to marrying her - no way!

I need a good dose of healthy fathering and husbandhood (a new work I just made up). Can someone give me a positive story about a man who steps up and does what is right for his family?

To quote the popular kids movie “Barnyard”, “A man stands up for himself…but a bigger man stands up for others.” I think the cow was on to something.

Discover the top 5 conflicts between parents and teenagers

Listen and discover the top five conflicts between parents and teenagers - and then learn what to do about them.

Being a man in the 21st century

Apparently the new definition of a “man” is getting your ex-girlfriend pregnant and then starting a new relationship before the baby is even born. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but Tom Brady is certainly not cool, “manly”, or anything else positive in my opinion.

The only coverage I’ve seen on the matter has been positive. ESPN and USA Today make it seem like Brady is a “stud”. Three Super Bowls, a hot pregnant ex-girlfriend, and an even hotter new supermodel girlfriend make Tom a sure fire hit with the media and worthless men around the country.

In his defense, Tom certainly does not brag about the situation, and in fact, even avoids the topic entirely when questioned about his personal life involving the impending baby and supermodel girlfriend.

I’m disappointed that Tom got himself in to this situation, but I’m even more disappointed with how America is reacting to it. No one has pointed out how this new baby is going to feel about being born into a single parent household.

If we are going to celebrate a man, let us celebrate the man who serves his family, sticks around through thick and thing, and makes a commitment to never abandon his family; that is the kind of man I want to celebrate.

If you want to get married, then you’d better have this one thing

Discover one of the most simple, yet critical things you need to have as a single person if you want to find true love.

Vacations are NOT a luxury

I know, I know. You’re wondering why that title. Although vacations are very much a luxury for many of us, they are also a necessity. Why? Because most of us spend 24/7 running around taking care of the responsibilities of life. We have jobs, chores, ministry, etc. and it can all really wear a person down. In addition, it can also make life a little monotonous or perhaps mundane.

Vacations are a time to really relax and let go of the day to day routine that tires us. It’s a time to spend bonding with your family and friends. There is no comparison to the time spent building your most important relationships. Vacations usually allow for a more stress free environment which make it easier to enjoy each other, have great conversations and maybe even get to know something new about someone–and that can include your spouse or your child.

Vacations don’t have to be expensive. Our family has tried to do something special every year. There have been plenty of years where either the time off work was hard to come by or the finances impossible to figure out. But we’ve always tried to do SOMETHING. And our boys always appreciated whatever we did because the goal was to have fun together.

When planning your time away, keep several things in mind:

1. The goal should be to have a great time doing things that everyone will enjoy. Try to make compromises wherever possible because it’s likely that you won’t all like to do all the same things. Be adventurous and try new things.
2. Set a budget; don’t get yourself into debt, but don’t be afraid to spend a little bit.
3. Vacations don’t have to be elaborate. If your finances will not allow you to take a big trip, plan weekend trips, or take a week off and do things like the beach, the pool, parks etc. Just leave the responsibilities (and the job) at home.
4. Remember this is a time that’s meant to be fun and as stress free as possible. Leave your troubles at the door.
5. Above all, just relax and enjoy!

Have a safe, happy and enjoyable summer!

When it comes to love - men need to learn how to adapt

Check out this special minute podcast for men.

How to deal with your toddler’s fits

First, you need to watch this video. It is a classic!

If this scene feels too familiar, then you might want to read the following tips on helping your toddler overcome fits:

1. The first thing you always want to do with a toddler is simply ignore the fit. This is most often the best method in getting your toddler to quit the fits. If you engage with your toddler during a fit (i.e. get equally ridiculous and upset) then you are only affirming his behavior.

2. If ignoring doesn’t work, then you simply carry your toddler to his or her bedroom and put the toddler in timeout. Timeouts are helpful at this age because it allows your toddler to figure out how to calm himself down. I’ve literally held the handle to the door of my daughter’s, Reagan, room when she was a toddler because of the intensity of her “freak outs”.

3. If the fit occurs in public, then I would stage a “pick-up” with a close friend you trust. We had to do this with Reagan because she was getting out-of-control when we would try and go to the mall our out to eat. We finally told her that if she threw a fit again in public that she would be taken home for a timeout in her room. I know she must have thought in her head, “How could they do that without having to leave, it’s the perfect plan to get back home!” However, what she did not know was that we had worked out a deal with our babysitter. So the next time we were out, she threw a fit, we called Kathy and you should have seen her eyes when Kathy came and took her home without the rest of her family. We then had a wonderful time with our oldest child, Cole, and only returned home when we were ready. She never threw a fit in public again!

4. Never. Never. Never give in to your child’s demands during a fit. This is the most disastrous thing you can do as a parent. It will not only reinforce the fit, but it will lead to worse behavior as the child grows older. No fit is worth caving in to, I can promise you.

Old age can be funny

My father sent this video to me and wrote, “This is old man Smalley…..”

A video worth watching on Casting Crown’s “Who am I”

I love this song! Kirsten sent me the link to this uTube video. Creative. Spectacular. Beautiful.

Hope you liked it as much as I did.