You have to hate divorce…or do you?

It’s official, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are officially divorced:

The battle is over for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. The unhappy couple is signing their divorce settlement today.  The pop stars lawyer, Laura Wasser, will request to keep the custody and spouse support orders under wraps.

As of now Federline receives 15k for child support, and 20k a month for spouse support. Custody of the pair’s children will stay 50/50, which is surprising given Spears’ bizarre behavior. Joint custody is said to usually only be given to “stable” couples. Federline is reportedly going back to court to fight for full custody although he singed off on the joint custody agreement.

Federline reportedly won’t speak to the ‘Toxic’ singer and neither of them is happy about the custody arrangement. (TransWorldNews)

This marriage was a disaster from the beginning and the divorce has been even worse (which is similar to most couples experience when they go through a divorce).  I hate divorce, no matter who is getting divorced.  Divorce hurts the children, the adults, the family, the community, and the country.  No one escapes from the negative effects of divorce.

I wish someone with a sensible head was in the ear of Britney and Kevin.  They can still make a choice and repair the relationship through marriage education. It is never too late to make a bad marriage good.

Lebron James - the anti-father

I don’t usually want to quote much from the popular daytime talk show, The View, on ABC. However, I must make an exception here:

Today on The View (5/11/07) the panel discussed the dilemma facing the Cavalier’s Lebron James and debated the pros and cons of his decision to 1) be in the delivery room for the birth of his second child with his girlfriend or 2) to be with his team as they battle for the crown in the NBA playoff. Some on the panel said they couldn’t imagine the father of their child not being in the delivery room while others said he obviously had to be with his team - that they’d worked all their lives to be in this position. Barbara Walters piped in with “If this is their second child, shouldn’t the question be ‘Why doesn’t he marry her?!’ Isn’t that more important than whether or not he’s in the delivery room?!”

I don’t care how much Lebron scores in this final, which hasn’t been much yet, his total disregard for his family has almost caused me to abandon him as a fan. His girlfriend is expecting their second child and he forcefully reported that he would definitely be with his teammates as opposed to being in the delivery room.

Of course, none of the popular media - except The View - has even remotely touched on the subject of his poor fathering dedication and inability to marry the woman of his two children. Obviously it is OK with Lebron to have sex with this woman and father children, but when it comes to marrying her - no way!

I need a good dose of healthy fathering and husbandhood (a new word I just made up). Can someone give me a positive story about a man who steps up and does what is right for his family?

To quote the popular kids movie “Barnyard”, “A man stands up for himself…but a bigger man stands up for others.” I think the cow was on to something.

Man of the house

USA Today snapshots for June 14, 2007 revealed some interesting information on the close to 160,000 stay-at-home dads in our country:

60% have two or more children

40% have an annual family income of $50,000 or more

35% have children younger than 3 living with them

All this information takes me back to when I was a stay-at-home dad. I was not making $50,000 or more and I had exactly two kids at home (Both in diapers!). I think more men need to step up to the plate and help take care of the children.

I know there are many men who would hate the idea of staying at home, but sometimes a family needs to be smart and not fundamental when it comes providing for the family. The reality is, women have greater opportunities today to succeed at work.

There is nothing wrong with a man taking care of the kids full-time at home. He can provide for his family by working or staying at home, either way is just as important.

To divorce or not to divorce - that is the question

There was a large study on divorce that wanted to find out if divorce solved depression. The study makes sense considering that many couples divorce because they are not happy with their marriage and are thus miserable in life.

The study found that divorce, in fact, does not help depression!

Take a look and read for yourself (Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages by Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley):

Using the National Survey of Families and Households (a nationally representative survey), we looked at all spouses (645 spouses out of 5,232 married adults) who in the late ’80s rated their marriages as unhappy. Five years later these same adults were reinterviewed, so we were able to follow unhappy spouses as their lives took different paths: in the interim, some had divorced or separated and some stayed married. Because marital strife takes a toll on psychological well-being, the conventional wisdom would argue that unhappily married adults who divorced would be better off: happier, less depressed, with greater self-esteem and a stronger sense of personal mastery, compared to those staying married.

Was this true? Did unhappy spouses who divorced reap significant psychological and emotional benefits? Surprisingly, in this study, the answer was no. Among our findings:

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.
• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.
• Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later.
• Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later. Just one out of five of unhappy spouses who divorced or separated had happily remarried in the same time period.

There was a good post about this subject from John Clark that encourages couples to seek marriage counseling before seeking a divorce. I couldn’t agree more! In fact, I even have a nice solution for couples in crisis.

Our Marriage Restoration Intensive program is built specifically for couples in crisis and it is based on a wildly successful program that my brother, Dr. Greg Smalley, helped lead and develop called the Couples Intensive. This program was over 90% successful over an eight-year longitudinal study in keeping couples in crisis together and happy.

The message - there is hope for any couple willing to do the work it takes to turn their marriage around.

How can a family help after an affair?

An affair is one of the worst mistakes a person can make in a marriage. It’s the one thing you are never suppose to do, yet it happens more frequently than it should. I stumbled upon a provocative question recently:

My question is, how can he possibly go back to someone who has cheated on him? How can any of us ever trust her again? We are a very religious family and this whole thing is just unheard of in our family (unlike her’s and maybe that’s the problem). We all tried to warn him when they started dating and before they married that she came from bad stock but he wouldn’t listen. I almost want to tell him that he made his bed now he has to lie in it. I also want to tell him that he will look like a fool if he takes her back and then she does it again. I didn’t say any of this to him because I do dearly love him and my nephews. What is the best thing for me to do?

I found this at MyWestTexas.com and it really jumped off the page at me. This is the brother of a man who’s wife committed adultery. This is a good example of how an affair doesn’t just hurt one’s spouse, but rather an entire family can suffer from its consequences.

How can a family help? Easy, be supportive, loving, gracious, and reaffirming of the marriage. I’ve seen too many couples recover from the negative effects of an affair. If the couple has children, then there is no other option than to help support them in getting what they need through counseling and faith.

Spielberg may quit Olympic games over Darfur crisis

Hopefully Steven Spielberg’s pressure will at least push China in the right direction in helping the Darfur crisis.  Even the smallest ripple can travel a long way toward changing things in Darfur and China.  I can remember Ronald Reagan’s speech when he uttered the famous words:

General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!

We need this kind of passion again when it comes to the crisis in Darfur.  We can make a difference with our words, it’s been done before and it will be done again.

Don’t be another divorce statistic

I was reading a blog the other day where I found a post that caught my eye, here is part of what I read:

About two years ago I had the unfortunate situation where I filed for divorce with my wife of 10 years. The reason for our divorce is somewhat complicated but I guess the primary reason was that overtime we just grew apart and eventually stopped loving each other. I’m not sure whether it was my dedication to work or her lack of a social life that led to her boredom, whatever the reasons were, like most divorces it got messy.

Divorce stinks. But let me tell you, as a marriage and family expert, nothing gets me more sad or worked up than when I hear a married couple say, “We’ve fallen out of love” or “We grew apart”.

Very few divorces occur today because they need to (abuse, serial infidelity…). Divorces occur because two people don’t know how to get along with each other. Here’s the reality of this kind of divorce, you will divorce again unless you learn the skills necessary to get along.

Why not learn that together instead of finding it out after a divorce?

Great marriages don’t just happen, they are the result of two people dedicated to a lifetime of learning about each other, how to love better, and being totally and undeniably committed to their marriage.

The first kidney donation string

You might not know this about me, but over three-years ago I donated one of my kidneys to my father.  It is one of the things I am most proud about in my life, to be able and help my father live longer and in better health by simply donating a kidney.

There are better stories out there, however, and I want to bring those to you so maybe someone will be inspired to donate a kidney for a patient in need:

On Thursday in Toledo, Ohio, Ron Bunnell will have a kidney removed, and moments later it will be placed inside Angela Heckman, a woman he barely knows.

That act of kindness is compelling enough, but what makes it even more remarkable is the fact that Bunnell, 54, and Heckman, 32, represent mere links in a chain that will save numerous lives.

The chain began last Wednesday, when a Michigan man donated a kidney simply because he could. It has resulted in the first kidney donation chain ever, according to Dr. Michael Rees, medical director of the Alliance for Paired Donation, and it’s all possible because of a system called paired donations.

Matt Jones, 28, the donor in Michigan, is what’s known as an altruistic donor, meaning his kidney came with no strings attached.

“I thought that if I could help one person live a decent life, that would be great,” Jones said. “It’s turned out to be a lot more than that.” read more…

‘The Devil Came on Horseback’

If you need good information on the Darfur crisis, then check out this Bloomberg.com article:

 July 25 (Bloomberg) — After serving four years in the U.S. Marines, Brian Steidle was looking for another adventure. So in 2004 he took a job as an unarmed observer for the African Union in Sudan, a country racked by a 20-year civil war.

What he saw during his six-month stay in the western region of Darfur radically changed his life and helped alert the world to a neglected humanitarian crisis.

Steidle’s experience is chronicled in “The Devil Came on Horseback,” a gripping and horrifying documentary about an ethnic slaughter that has claimed an estimated 400,000 lives and driven 2.5 million people from their homes. Since returning from Sudan in 2005, the admiral’s son has traveled the world to spread the word about how Sudan’s Arab-run government — backed by a ruthless militia known as Janjaweed (“devil on a horse”) — has attempted to wipe out Darfur’s black African tribes.

“I knew that bad things happen,” a teary Steidle says near the end of the film made by Annie Sundberg and Ricki Stern. “I didn’t know the world would stand by and allow them to happen.” read more…

Spielberg jumps in to the Darfur crisis by pressuring China

Steven Spielberg, the famous American film director, jumps head first in to the Darfur crisis by writing an official letter to Hu Jintao, the Chinese president, asking him to help pressure Sudan to end the genocide occurring in Darfur.

The NPR reported on this matter and actually published the letter on their website:

His Excellency Hu Jintao
President of the People’s Republic of China
Zhongnanhai, Xichengqu, Beijing City
People’s Republic of China

April 2, 2007

Your Excellency,

I greatly value my association with the 2008 Beijing Olympics, an event meant to unify nations and people as well as to promote respect for universal moral principles. These first Olympic Games to be held in China also promise to be a fitting symbol of the important role that your nation will play in the affairs of the world in this new century.

My contributions as a filmmaker have led me to the Beijing Olympics. As important as film is to me, however, there is another aspect of my life’s work that is both more personal and more significant.

Among my proudest achievements has been the establishment of the USC Shoah Foundation Institute for Visual History and Education. The Institute has recorded the video testimonies of 52,000 survivors of the Holocaust from 56 countries in 32 languages. These remarkable documents have offered the world faces and voices of men and women who survived the genocide which, in Hebrew, we call the Shoah. These first-hand experiences have been preserved and made available for scholarship and education so that the genocide suffered by the Jews under the Nazis can never be forgotten.

Even more important than the collection of the testimonies themselves is the mission of the Institute: to use those testimonies to overcome intolerance, prejudice, bigotry and the suffering they cause. We are doing that now in many countries around the world, and I hope that China will someday be one of them. I regard the creation of the Shoah Foundation Institute as the most important professional accomplishment of my life. It alerts me, and I hope others as well, to the importance of speaking out on behalf of those who are targeted by governments for murder.

I believe there is no greater crime against humanity than genocide. I feel strongly that every member of the world community has a moral and ethical responsibility to act to prevent such crimes, to eliminate the conditions in which they are bred and to combat them wherever they exist. Therefore, I am writing this letter to you, not as one of the overseas artistic advisors to the Olympic Ceremonies, but as a private citizen who has made a personal commitment to do all I can to oppose genocide through the work of the Shoah Foundation Institute.

For four years I have followed the reports of the chaos and human suffering of the civilians in the Darfur region of Sudan. There is no question in my mind that the government of Sudan is engaged in a policy which is best described as a genocide.

I have only recently come to understand fully the extent of China’s involvement in the region and its strategic and supportive relationship with the Sudanese government. I share the concern of many around the world who believe that China should be a clear advocate for United Nations action to bring the genocide in Darfur to an end.

Accordingly, I add my voice to those who ask that China change its policy toward Sudan and pressure the Sudanese government to accept the entrance of United Nations peacekeepers to protect the victims of genocide in Darfur. China is uniquely positioned to do this and has considerable influence in the region that could lead efforts by the international community to bring an end to the human suffering there.

My hope for all sovereign nations is that they will work creatively to co-exist with great peace and lasting prosperity and that they will treat their citizens with dignity and respect. That hope motivates this letter, which I send to you in the spirit of the Olympic Games themselves.

Your Excellency, I look forward to your response and would be more than willing, if you desire, to meet with you to discuss this further. In the meantime, I will watch with great interest China’s actions in Sudan.

Most sincerely,

Steven Spielberg

Making disciplining your kids difficult

Discipline can be difficult, but it usually isn’t the child’s fault.  The biggest mistakes that I see parents making when it comes to disciplining their children are unrealistic, empty threats and lack of follow-through.

The Parent’s Zone has some really good advice for disciplining your children.  You can check them out here.

When a parent makes an unrealistic and empty threat to the child, it weakens their authority in the home.  A good example might be threatening your child with a “life-time” of grounding if they don’t stop whining or telling your teenager that he’ll be grounded for the next 10 years because of a speeding ticket.

I’ve done this, you’ve done this, but we can’t make a habit of unrealistic threats of discipline toward our children.  When we make a threat that we can’t possibly follow-through with, we are significantly hurting the authority we have with our children.  They simply won’t believe us when we spell out a consequence.

When we don’t follow-through with the consequences that we do enact, we’re also undermining our authority for the same basic reason.  Our children will begin (and quickly I might add) to understand we won’t “really” follow-through so they don’t have to worry about our empty threats.

Be consistent and be fair.  Two great words to implement into your parenting.

Preventing divorce through public policy

A new group in the state of Virginia is wanting to develop and implement public policy to help curb the divorce rate:

Family Foundation, which led the push to ban same-sex marriage in Virginia, has formed a commission that will recommend public policies that could preserve traditional marriages. (Read the full article here)

Some people get riled up when the government tries to step in and help with the divorce epidemic in our county.  I must admit, I do not understand the problem.  Why aren’t these same groups up in arms over government regulation of seat belts, car seats for kids, no swimming areas, and the most famous one of all - the anti-smoking crusade?

Who does the government think it is trying to tell me it is more safe to wear a seat-belt and then having the nerve to actually give me a ticket if I’m not wearing one?

Divorce costs this country billions of dollars a year, at that level, the government has every right to step in and try to stop the bleeding.  Especially when the majority of divorces occur simply because a man and woman don’t have the knowledge and skills to get along properly.

It’s not just the “lost boys” who are making a new life for themselves

In an article this morning by USA Today, I learned about Aduei Riak, 23, who survived a 1,000 mile trek alone across her home land in Sudan at the tender age of six-years old.  I couldn’t imagine growing up so quickly and brutally.  There’s been a lot of attention toward the ‘lost boys’ from Sudan but this is the first time I’ve read something about the ‘lost girls’.

Their journey is equally stunning and dramatic and it needs to be heard.  Aduei is now a paralegal in the Boston area and will go to graduate school to become a lawyer after finishing her commitment to a large and prestigious law firm in Boston.

Darfur is a major crisis on a global scale.  Check out what you can do to help.  I’ve also written several other posts that might be helpful for you here, here, and here.

There are treasures in trials

When was the last time something bad happened to you?  Everyone can answer this question, sadly, it is the result of a broken world.  Bad things happen to bad people and good people alike, it does not separate the two.  What are we to do when something bad happens, when we are stressed out, when we are needing to forgive?

The apostle Paul in Philippians gives us a good answer:

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. 7 Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. 8 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. 9 Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
(Philippians 4:6-9 MSG)

God wants us to thank Him in every circumstance.  What a paradigm shift for most of us!  When we feel the worst we are suppose to thank God?  It doesn’t seem logical, then again, many of God’s ideas don’t seem logical to my pea-sized brain - which is why I have faith and trust in God’s word.

My father recently wrote (for a new book he’s working on), “I have discovered that it’s impossible to hold worry, fear and stressful thoughts while at the same time trying to express gratefulness.  Worry is like darkness and gratefulness is the switch that turns on God’s light of peace within us.”

What are the “pearls” that accompany trials?  I believe the first pearls we can experience when meditating and focusing on what Philippians 4:6-9 are the pearls of peace: “Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

Paul tells us how wonderful it is when we “sense God’s wholeness”.  You must admit, during the darker times of your life, when you followed Paul’s wisdom and experienced what he is writing about, it felt good.  Once we get our attitude aligned with Philippians 4:6-9, not only will we experience God’s wholeness, but a literal good will come of the trial.

What I mean by this, is that when bad things have happened to me in my life, usually God will allow me to help someone in the very same predicament (or at least extremely close).  I gain wisdom, strength, and endurance when I go through a trial with grace (like Philippians).  What better pearls are there than wisdom, strength, and endurance?

Possible Questions:

1. Why do bad things happen to good people?
2. How can we meditate on scripture?
3.  What are the eight things we are to meditate on? (hint, the words are in bold up above in the verses)

Does menopause hurt your marriage?

Question:

The question was regarding a wife that left her husband and moved to another city. She wouldn’t talk and won’t respond to letters. He mentioned that his wife was going through menopause, which he thought had a lot to do with the problem.  My question is, menopause affects women differently and the more I read and talk to people the more I find that during this transition period of a woman’s life a small number of women will pack up and leave their husbands that love them dearly and will give now valid or logical reason for doing so. Does this fluctuation in hormones affect the brain chemistry causing good loving husbands to loose their wives?

Answer:

The first part of my response is actually from my personal family doctor, Dr. Peter Bigler.  I respect his opinions and thoughts on this matter (especially since I’m not a medical doctor and Dr. Bigler is a lot smarter than I am):

First.  I would wonder if she is depressed before anything else.  Second.  As I am sure you are thinking, is she involved in another relationship.

Regarding menopause, there are physical and emotional changes that come with the loss of estrogen and progesterone.  This also affects the psyche of the woman as well who is wondering how she will be viewed within her family and within society now that she is truly no longer fertile.  This is first a psychological dilemma not a medical one.  Though medications can be helpful such as hormone replacement and anti-depressants with their inherent risks and benefits.

My thoughts:

I agree with Dr. Bigler’s assessment.  My first thing would be to rule out depression.  Dr. Bigler also alluded to the fact that the wife might be having an affair.  I always wonder about an affair when a wife suddenly (as described by herself or her husband) leaves a marriage.  I’ve been working with couples a long time and my experience dictates that an affair is a possibility when a wife just up and leaves.

I found a great article on WebMD that can also help any of you couples struggling through menopause. Obviously I can’t speak about menopause from my own biological experience, but I do know how hard this can be for women.  The best thing is to always get to a doctor when the intensity of your feelings seem overwhelming.

One last thing, do not use menopause as an excuse to avoid true relationship problems, so seeing a trained marriage expert or counselor would be very beneficial.

Is your child sleep deprived?

I found the following chart in USA Today this morning and thought it might be helpful for all the parents with tiny ones:

When I look at the number of hours an infant is suppose to sleep, I feel ashamed!  My children never slept like the perfect little darlings in this table.  But I will say, that the best thing we ever did with our babies was get them on a routine.

I found an incredibly helpful website by Dr. Sears that touts 31 ways to get your baby to go to sleep and stay asleep easier.  Here are just a few of them that I liked:

7.  Set predictable and consistent nap routines.  Pick out the times of the day that you are most tired, for example 11:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. Lie down with your baby at these times every day for about a week to get your baby used to a daytime nap routine. This also sets you up to get some much-needed daytime rest rather than be tempted to “finally get something done” while baby is napping. Babies who have consistent nap routines during the day are more likely to sleep longer stretches at night.

8.  Consistent bedtimes and rituals. Babies who enjoy consistent bedtimes and familiar going-to-sleep rituals usually go to sleep easier and stay asleep longer. Yet, because of modern lifestyles, consistent and early bedtimes are not as common, or realistic, as they used to be. Busy two- income parents often don’t get home until six or seven o’clock in the evening, so it’s common for older babies and toddlers to procrastinate the bedtime ritual. This is prime time with their parents and they are going to milk it for all they can get. In some families, a later afternoon nap and a later bedtime is more practical. Familiar bedtime rituals set the baby up for sleep. The sequence of a warm bath, rocking, nursing, lullabies, etc. set the baby up to feel that sleep is expected to follow. Capitalize on a principle of early infant development: patterns of association. Baby’s developing brain is like a computer, storing thousands of sequences that become patterns. When baby clicks into the early part of the bedtime ritual, he is programmed for the whole pattern that results in drifting off to sleep.

17.  Driving down. If you’ve tried all the above transitioning techniques and baby still resists falling asleep, place baby in a carseat and drive around until she falls asleep. When you return home and baby is in a deep sleep, carry the carseat (with the sleeping baby) into your bedroom and let baby remain in the carseat until the first nightwaking. If she is in a deep sleep (witness the limp-limb sign – hands unclenched, arms dangling loosely at her side, facial muscles still), you may be able to ease her out of the carseat into her own bed.

Who has felt guilty about number seventeen?  We did as well, until we experienced how well it worked

The eternal fight over cleanliness

I know I’m not the only married guy out there who gets grief over not being clean. What’s the most scary place in the house to clean? If you’re like me, it’s probably not even technically in the house…the garage. Garage organization is a total nightmare, until now, check out carguygarage.com.

They carry over 1,000 different products for garages. Their focus is making the garage another room in your house. The sheer amount of products they carry is amazing. I’m personally interested (and my wife tells me, “In need of”) the Metal Garage Cabinets.

A cool new way to blog and get paid

I love to write, it’s one of the main ways I make my living, but I never new when I first started to blog that it would be a great way to earn money while I’m posting! PayPerPost is a cool service that gives you opportunities to get paid for your posts by simply writing about things you already love. I heard about this new site through some blogger friends of mine, and I’ve finally taken the leap, and I must say that I’m pleased with the results.

I can choose the opportunities that I want to write about, so I don’t have to mention or post about anything I wouldn’t support. Which is very important to me because I value my readers and wouldn’t want to be forced in to pushing things that I disagree with. It’s a great way for me to relay information about products and services I think will be helpful to my readers. PayPerPost is a very creative website and I’m excited about my future with them.

And if you know me at all, you can bet on there being more posts about technological gadgets! I’m a tech geek at heart and am still quite upset that Verizon isn’t offering the new iPhone…yet.

The best thing you can do for your marriage

Research is clear, one of the best things you can do for your marriage is (long dramatic pause) have fun together.  Communication is great.  Forgiveness is great.  Servanthood is great.  But if you are doing all these things but still avoiding fun time together (probably because of work or children) then you still could end up in trouble.

Make time every week to have fun together.  There is no excuse.  You can do something fun in the backyard, front porch, park, restaurant, movie, just make sure that whether you’re spending money or doing something free, have fun with each other.  Be nice.  Relax.  Enjoy each other’s company.

Dads really due matter

I saw this article from an Australian news agency about a study that proves how important dads are:

Mr Jennings studied 434 male students across two Victorian schools in year 10 and again in year 11.  His interim findings showed boys’ self-confidence was raised when their dads showed interest and were involved in their lives.  With self-confidence came long-term success, Mr Jennings said.

“Boys are more likely to prosper if they have a male role model in their corner, and ideally that’s their dad,” Mr Jennings said.  “Where a father is unable to take part for whatever reason, an appropriate male role model such as an uncle or even an older brother could step in.” (read the whole article)

Now if I can just convince my wife of this  finding everything would be perfect!

Seriously though, dads are critical and it shouldn’t take a research study for us to understand and believe in fathers.

Sixty-six percent of couples overspend on their wedding

Weddings are stressful enough, but apparently over 66% of Americans are spending more than they can afford on their wedding day as reported by the Associated Content:

Visa surveyed 1,000 cardholders who got married in the past ten years, and what they found was a lot of overspending. In fact, two-thirds of the respondents admitted that they overspent on the big wedding day. Men typically over-splurged on the honeymoon while women flashed around the credit card for the big day itself-spending big dollars on food, drinks and elaborate wedding cakes. Surprisingly, they spent less on their wedding dresses than on entertaining their wedding guests, but 11 percent of brides said they spent too much on the wedding dress. When asked where they felt the money was best spent, brides answered on decorations and wedding photos, and only 1 percent reported that they overspent on those items. (the whole story)

Now Visa is in the game of helping couples learn how to spend an appropriate amount of money on their wedding day, but something tells me their reasons are far from altruistic.

Being in the world and not of the world: the issues of peer pressure

Being a healthy family is difficult - especially when you add peer pressure for both the parents and the children. I find it interesting that when someone mentions peer pressure, people usually think of kids and their struggles through school to avoid drugs, sex, and rock & roll.

Parents struggle with peer pressure as well, which means it is a family issue. The bible talks about peer pressure or the negative influence of “the world”. John 17:15 tells us, “Just as I didn’t join the world’s ways. I’m not asking that you take them out of the world But that you guard them from the Evil One.” This was part of Jesus’ prayer to God in wanting to help and keep us safe.

Here’s the deal. There is a negative world of influence on your family. Both a physical influence and a spiritual influence. The physical influence is the easiest to see and comprehend because it is right in front of our face. Bad friends, poor teachers, televangelists (not all of them mind you), people of this world that bring us down and cause us to stumble (of course it is our choice to follow them).

The physical influences are easy to see but sometimes hard to run away from. So how can we be in the world but not of the world? We start with hiding God’s word in our heart. Verses like 2 Chronicles 31:20-21 tell us to start doing what is right and true in the eyes of God:

Hezekiah carried out this work and kept it up everywhere in Judah. He was the very best - good, right, and true before his God. Everything he took up, whether it had to do with worship in God’s Temple or the carrying out of God’s Law and Commandments, he did well in a spirit of prayerful worship. He was a great success.

When we conduct ourselves in the way God desires, things will go well for our family. When we don’t, things go bad. We all know the feeling, that gut wrenching sensation that tells us we shouldn’t be doing what we are doing.

The negative spiritual influences are the ones that are not as easy to notice. But they are very real. C.S. Lewis wrote:

There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve their existence. The other is to believe and feel an unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight.

I believe one of the greatest victories the evil one has had in America is the total disbelief in demonic influences working against us. There…I said it! I almost feel strange and unpopular writing this down officially. But I truly believe it and can not ignore it any longer.

I know some of you are thinking to yourselves right now, “But I do believe Satan and devils exist…who is he talking about?” I don’t doubt that many Americans believe there is evil, I just doubt many Americans believe this evil is actually influencing them in real and dramatic ways.

For many of us, our view of demonic influence was developed through seeing clips from the Exorcist movie or Hollywood in general. Which is really a brilliant strategy from the evil one, when you think about it.

I used to think, hey, once you’re a Christian, you can no longer be influenced or possessed. But here’s the problem, and I don’t want to get into a huge theological debate, but the reality is that the evil one, or like one of my nephews likes to call him, the bad Jesus, has dominion over this world. He is here to kill, steal and destroy. This is the reason Ephesians 6 tells us to put on the full armor of God, because there is a battle for our very soul!

I used to read those verses (I even based a book on them titled Don’t Date Naked) and repeat them for others, but I don’t think I truly understood them. I didn’t take them very seriously. But then I learned something from a now good friend of mine, Dr. Ed Laymance.

Do you remember what the verse says in Matthew 12:23, “Jesus turned and said to Peter, ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.’” Jesus spoke these words when Peter was trying to talk him out of the cross or at least convince him that it wasn’t going to happen.

Do you think Peter, the rock of the church, was possessed by Satan? It sure sounds like it, Jesus rebukes Peter, but doesn’t actually call Peter…Peter. Jesus looks right at Peter and says the famous phrase, “Get behind me, Satan!”

Ed helped me learn that even though a Christian is owned by Christ, he can still be influenced negatively by the evil ones. It’s not about possession like you see in the movies, but rather about influence. Pressure to do what is wrong.

It’s not just the peer pressure we need to be worrying about for our families, there is spiritual pressure as well. Here are three ways you can handle spiritual pressure:

1. Get rid of things that are entangling your family. Hebrews 12:1 tells us, “Do you see what this means - all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running - and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins.” Pray and ask God to reveal to you the things that are bringing down your family (i.e. certain movies, music, video games, etc.). We had to do this activity ourselves and were shocked when God revealed to us the things we needed to discard in our lives. Just one example was that somehow, in my laziness (which is the only way I can explain this), I had purchased video games for my 10-year old son that were rated MA! When I looked at them and experienced them, I was shocked at the language and imagery. I had a wonderful conversation with my son in which he also decided those particular games were no good for our family. We then replaced them with ones that were good. It was a true win / win situation.
2. Seek after the truth. John 8:32 tells us, “Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.” Jesus governed all of his actions based on God’s truth and laws, our families should do the same.
3. Set your family up to succeed. Change your environment, what might work for others may not work for your family. 2 Timothy 2:23 reads, “Refuse to get involved in inane discussions; they always end up in fights.” Establish who your network of friends are, do they follow God’s will and lift you up in times of need? Establish how your family is going to grow in Christ. Who’s discipling you or your children? If you can’t answer this question, then you need to find someone.

John Darby wrote, “It is in the intimacy of the counsels and the grace of God that man fortifies himself for the warfare from which he cannot escape…”

Take these three keys to heart and you will soon find that you are well on your way to becoming the family of your dreams.

The newest trend for moms - digesting their own placenta!

In a USA Today article recently reporter Steve Friess illuminated his readers with a new trend for mothers - digesting their own placenta.  Proponents of the digestion say it can help new mothers avoid the potentiality of postpartum depression and can give moms a healthy dose of nutrients vital to their health.

Opponents of the practice say that it is merely an overexaggerated belief that has absolutely no extra benefit to moms.  The Chinese have been practicing this act for centuries and they even have placenta in pill form.

I’m no doctor, but I think watching my wife eat her own placenta would have sent me in to postpartum depression.

A beautiful song on grief as written by a nine-year old

I wish I could brag, but alas, the incredible depth of emotion and tenderness my nine-year old daughter encompasses could not possibly come from me or my wife.  We recently returned home from our Alaskan vacation and among all the joy and thrills of vacation and time away from home, there was great sorrow awaiting the return of my family.  My in-laws accidentally lost our most treasured family pet, Einstein, the dog who won over the heart of my somewhat dog-disliking wife.  She had never wanted the dog, and only did so at the demands and beggings of me and the kids (mostly me).

My wife absolutely loves Einstein, and in fact, this very morning she is driving around our home town of The Woodlands putting up lost posters in a last and frantic attempt to find our dog.

My oldest, Cole, is mostly in denial about Einstein.  He keeps believing that he will find the lost dog.  My son David, the youngest, upon discovering that our dog was lost simply said, and quite quickly I might add, “Can we get a new dog?”  He’s only five and doesn’t truly understand what has happened.  But Reagan, the nine-year old, is taking the loss the hardest.

Three nights ago she wrote the following song to help herself deal with the loss:

We’re going on a road trip
And we’ll sleep in heavenly peace
Things are hard at one point
When you’ve lost something you love
So just sleep in heavenly peace
Just sleep in heavenly peace
Heavenly peace

Reagan kept awake writing the song until 1 a.m and then actually recorded it on her diary (which I was unaware of its recording capabilities…diaries have come a long way!).  When I awoke the next morning, she could hardly contain herself in wanting to share the song with me in bed.  So I listened.  I cried.  I hugged.

It was a beautiful moment and it reminds me of how important it is to experience grief.  Don’t deny grief.   Let it flow in whatever manner works for you.  That might be exercise, sports, movies, etc., but let the grief out.  My daughter wrote a song, and for her, it was a way to acknowledge her feelings - to validate her world.

Is there such a thing as Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)?

The answer is quite simply - yes and no.  The all knowing Wikipedia.org tells us that:

Despite opposition from many quarters, researcher Kimberly Young, Psy. D. is lobbying for the inclusion of IAD into the DSM-V, the next edition of the DSM. Some proponents believe that its inclusion would open the doors for private insurance companies to pay for Internet addiction counseling. However many others argue that IAD is neither a true addiction nor a specific disorder and should not be classified as a mental disorder in DSM-V. Furthermore, there is no evidence that people needing treatment are being denied it; instead, their situations are coded under other labels, such as ADD or depression, according to the underlying situation.

In June 2007, the American Medical Association declined to recommend to the American Psychiatric Association that they include IAD as a formal diagnosis in the 2012 edition of the DSM.[2] Instead, their toned-down response recommended further research of “video game overuse.”[3] Members of the American Society of Addiction Medicine opposed calling overuse of Internet and video games a true addiction.[4] Among the necessary research is a way to define “overuse” and a way to differentiate an “internet addiction” from obsession, self-medication for depression or other disorders, and compulsion.

What does all this mean?  Simply put, it means that there is definitely a problem, and with all the things I read (and there were many) the main issue with this disorder is whether or not it is the problem by itself or a symptom of another problem.  But everyone agrees that people suffer from too much internet and online gaming.

The Wallstreet Journal Europe reported on a Canadian survey this month warning that the Internet can cause antisocial behavior.

The survey dovetails with a decade of horror stories about people who can’t stop spending too much time in front of their computer, even as their lives fall apart. An entire cohort of experts has sprung up to diagnose and treat what they call Internet Addiction Disorder, or IAD. Other experts, so far unwilling to elevate the behavior to addiction level, instead refer to PIU — Pathologic Internet Use, or simply, “internetomania.”

Living one’s life through a virtual world is clearly unhealthy, and if the behavior is hurting a life, then there is a problem that needs to be solved.  It is estimated that between 5% and 10% of Web surfers suffer from a Web dependency.  Researchers like Maressa Hecht Orzack, the director of the Computer Addiction Study Center at Harvard’s McLean Hospital, report that Web addicts can experience the same cravings and withdrawal symptoms as compulsive gamblers.  Check out some of the following horror stories from people addicted to the net:

In 1997, police arrested Sandra Hacker of Cincinnati after her estranged husband complained she spent as much as 12 hours a day on the Internet while their children, ages 2, 3 and 5, were inadequately cared for. Police who took custody of the children said the playroom of her apartment had broken glass, debris and children’s hand prints in human feces on the walls.

Last March, an Italian cybersurfer who spent three full days on line almost continuously was taken to the hospital, suffering from hallucinations and delirium.

And earlier this year, the lawyer for Michael Ian Campbell, a Florida teen-ager accused of threatening a Columbine High school student in a chat room, described his client as having “Internet intoxication.” Campbell’s attorney said that the young man was so addicted to the Internet that he lived in a “virtual world” and should not be held accountable for the threat. Nonetheless, Campbell eventually pleaded guilty.  (Tangled in the net:  Addiction makes some computer users virtual prisoners to their Web habit by Kathryn Balint - The San Diego Union - Tribune)

Is there such a thing as Internet Addiction Disorder?  Yes, there is a major problem, you can see how it has effected real lives.  If you believe a loved one suffers from this issue, please refer to the following sites for help (also, please see a professional counselor):

• http://www.chem.vt.edu/chem-dept/dessy/honors/papers/ferris.html
• http://allpsych.com/journal/internetaddiction.html
• http://psychcentral.com/netaddiction/

Isolation

God created us for relationships so we must resist the temptation to isolate ourselves when we are hurt by them.

The beauty of Alaska

If we can’t see God in this place, we must not be looking at all.

I’m back from Alaska!

Alaska truly is one of the most beautiful places on earth!  I just returned home from a 7-day Alaskan cruise with my entire immediate family (16 of us total).  We are now finishing the trip in Seattle, one of my favorite cities, by chilling out at the hotel and getting our land legs back.

Sorry for the lack of posts, but it’s pretty stinking hard to write when rocking back and forth on a ship.  I also learned a valuable lesson about how tired one becomes after taking a Bonine anti-sickness pill.  I believe it keeps you from becoming sea sick because you actually spend the entire day asleep!

Remembering Rick Monday?

I’ve never heard of Rick Monday until my sister-in-law forwarded me a YouTube of him…you should watch for yourself.

What a cool video to see the day after the 4th of July!

How can you get God’s everything?

I meet with a lot of stressed out couples and individuals…that’s my job. I will often ask the Christian people who come through my door if they’ve been praying about their situation. Many say yes but very few say what I’m hoping to hear. I hear they’ve prayed for weeks or months, but I rarely meet the individual who has committed to pray for as long as it takes. Read the following verse:

That’s why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you’ll get God’s everything. (Matthew 11:24 MSG)

Does God put a time limit on how long you should pray for anything? Does God ever, in any verse, put a time limit on how long we should pray for something? I think not. That is my encouragement today. That you pray for anything and everything, but you pray for God’s will and God’s timing.

Never stop. Never give up. Always keep praying because God cares and promises to be faithful. Just don’t confuse God’s faithfulness with your timeline.