Unlimited Strength

Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size - abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. – 2 Corinthians 12:10

You got something…everybody’s got something like broken bones, mean parents, teachers who get jazzed by handing out a ton of homework (and on a holiday weekend no less). Some of you really got something, maybe even something you’ve never talked to anyone about. The reality is that no matter how hurt or weak we become, a Christ-follower can count on the power and strength of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to pull us through the tough times.

The apostle Paul new this more than anyone; he got beaten, accused, harassed, and just plain whipped for following Christ. But he learned, just like you can learn, that when he was the most tired, the most beat up, the most teased, Christ came and took over and turned those bad things in to strength of character, perseverance, and one of the most influential writers of all time. At our weakest, Christ is the strongest.

It’s a paradox – it doesn’t make sense. How can our weakness through painful events in our lives actually help us to be our strongest? It’s easy. When you know Christ, and have a personal relationship with him, then at your weakest moments you will reach out to Jesus and he will give you strength. That’s when Christ pours his grace into your life, because you’ve gone beyond yourself and trusted Christ to work on your problems…and he will work on them. He works on them by giving you the courage and the power – divine power – to overcome anything that comes your way.

CHECK IT

1. What’s the worst thing that has happened to you? How can you give that over to Christ?
2. What weakness (like maybe a physical problem) or hurt in your life has Christ used for something good?
3. What does it mean to let Christ take it over?

What is your battle strategy?

2 Chronicles 20: 12
“O our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.”

To say that the Israelites were in a pickle would be putting it lightly. Years of bad kings, enemy conquests, and disobedience had wrecked havoc on the struggling nation, but King Jehoshaphat, was now in control, providing a fresh breath of God fearing integrity to Judah. Word came that yet another oncoming invasion was threatening. The enemy Moabites were closing in quickly, and from the looks of it, the outcome did not seem favorable. (Vs2 “A vast army is coming against you from Edom”.)

As I read the build up, and anticipate immediate military action on Judah’s part, I am caught off guard by the actions of Jehoshaphat. Instead of instinctively sending forth every able bodied man woman and child to front line defense strategies, he takes time to inquire of the Lord. He calles a fast for all of Judah, and (vs. 3) brings the entire assembly together, using precious moments, hours, and possibly days to pull in the outlying towns and communities. They do not rally or gather weaponry, but, in fervent humility and urgency they pray, fast, and…wait. Yes, wait. Can you imagine nervous army personnel; hearts pounding nervously, readying for action, trained to be bold, strong, and prepared, eating a big meal as they set minds and bodies for intense action. But instead, they are told to sit tight, hold back, and let hunger weaken them.

It gets worse. Instead of confidently and courageously revealing a brilliant battle strategy, their fearless and supposedly prepared leader admits in front of everyone that he doesn’t know what to do. They witness as their chief commander cries out in brutal honesty and humility, throwing up his hands in need, emptiness and complete inadequacy. (vs. 12) “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.”

I wonder how long the crowd lingered. Were they hushed, and hovering together? Was it awkward? Did someone crack a stupid joke in a nervouse attempt to lighten the weight of it all, or, did they just stare wide eyed and broken before one another? Did anyone tell Jehoshaphat he was wasting time and making a big mistake?

I am not sure how long they had to wait, but what came next I’m sure, ended any controversy or doubt…(Vs 14-18)”The spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel, and said …do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours, but God’s… Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf…do not be afraid and do not be dismayed…“

Wow! How relevant is this to us today! When intimidation screams over us, and enemy lines threaten…when the impossible mounts heavy before us, and there seems to be no way through that which looms on the horizon, how do we react? Do we instinctively rush forward with our own version of battle strategy, or do we take time to first seek the Lord? Too often, I can become a victim of urgency, forgetting that my God stands completely outside of time and circumstance; selfishly believing that my own hands are what will get me through the problems I face. What a sad mistake! I urge you today to view every problem in light of our Heavenly Father’s provision. Take time, no matter the issue pressing upon you, to throw up your hands in reliance and anticipation of divine intervention. Our God is quick to rescue, and eagerly desires our attention! Perhaps the issue in front of you is not to build your strength in gaining success, but instead, to build your faith in surrender…
Philippians 4: 6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

When is the last time you actually listened to God

When is the last time you actually listened to God and didn’t actually get what you were hoping for, but you still listened?  Yesterday I was shopping for a pair of pants.  Normally this kind of activity is emotionless for a male, but I must admit that shopping for pants is difficult for me, as the great Kevin James once said (King of Queens star), “You might say I have a weight problem.”

Shopping for pants simply throws this problem in my face each time I try to button up another pair of pants that don’t fit!

Anyway, I really needed a new pair of pants so I spent quite a bit of time praying (silently) to God about helping me find a pair of pants that would fit and make me feel like Brad Pitt (and not the version from Fight Night).  I listened intently, I really did, and felt God pulling me from store to store.

After two-hours of shopping I was nearing my wits end, and was ready to quit when I prayed again and truly felt God calling me to Macy’s to look one last time.  It was like this dramatic sensation that was telling me not to quit, not yet, the pants are right around the next bend.  Ever felt that way?  I did, and I was sure that the pants were going to miraculously fall from the sky in Macy’s and bond themselves perfectly to my lower half.

Macy’s was a total bust, unless of course God wasn’t actually wanting me to find a pair of pants.  I realized something important standing in the isle at Macy’s.  I truly felt God was speaking to me and encouraging me, even though there were no pants.  It was like God wanted to know if I was truly ready to listen to Him, even when my requests were not being granted.  Am I only going to listen when the outcome is what I want?

I walked out of Macy’s triumphantly, and not because I found a pair of pants, but because I felt that I had truly listened to God and obeyed, even though it was frustrating, tiring, and humiliating - I still listened and followed what I felt He was wanting me to do.  That is a good day if you ask me - and you’re probably not - but I thought I would write it any way.

The new face of pornography addicts

Pornography addiction has traditionally been viewed as a “male” problem. But recent research and surveys are starting to show a different picture:

Recent polls - many of them conducted by Christian organizations - indicate that porn might be women’s dirty little secret, too.

One in five church-going women responding to a self-selected poll conducted by the Christian Web site ChristiaNet.com said they struggled with looking at pornography on an ongoing basis.

For years when people discussed women and porn, they were talking about wives with porn-addicted husbands or about how porn encourages men to objectify women.

But people who study the culture of pornography are discovering what the $13 billion porn industry has already found: more and more women are porn consumers. (read the entire article here)

Do you take parenting too seriously?

The widow of Dr. Spock (by far the best-selling parenting expert of all time) , Mary Morgan, says that today’s parents take parenting way too seriously:

Mary Morgan, widow of the late Dr Benjamin Spock, thinks the tidal wave of advice for parents – those hundreds of books about ‘perfect parenting’, ‘idiot parenting’ and all the rest – is threatening to wash away the joy of raising children. After I wrote a piece titled ‘Monitoring mums and dads’ for spiked in May, I received an inbox full of emails from parents who shared my concerns about the phenomenon of intensive parenting. The most interesting letter of all came from Morgan, who agreed to talk to me about her concerns. (by Nancy McDermott for Spiked)

I’m not totally sure I agree with this statement or belief. Of course it is fairly easy for the wife of an author who sold nearly 40 million books to make a claim like this. I certainly believe some parents are far too controlling and manipulative with their children, which usually ends up in serious rebellion for the children.

We should be life-long learners, I hope I never stop reading and discovering new ways to better love my children and my wife.

Living a worry free life

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live. – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

What’s got you stressed out?  School?  Girls?  Boys? You just figured out that Moby is in fact a rock group and not a whale?  Here’s the deal, no matter what’s got you down, the Bible says, “forget about it” (thick New York accent please).  When you are a Christ follower, the Bible tells us that we should put our worries in to prayers, letting God be the one who takes care of whatever we are struggling with.  Sound ridiculously easy doesn’t it, “just let it go man”.  It is difficult to let go of things that worry us, but when we train our minds to simply obey God’s word, things really do change.

The best way to get farther away from trouble and closer to God is to pray without pause.  Every time you feel stressed out, let that be a moment you reach out for the God who actually cares about how you are feeling.  But don’t concentrate in your prayers on what is broken and messed up, rather rethink your prayers into praises letting God know that you know who is in control of your life.  Instead of praying about your stress, ask God of peace.  Instead of praying about fear, ask God for strength.  Turn your negatives in to positive when praying to God.

The big question:

1. What is bothering you right now?  How can you reword that in to a positive for God?
2. How can you be an encouragement to someone else today?
3. When’s the last time you prayed, and it wasn’t a meal-time?  Pray right now and let God know you are listening.

One of the most important things you can do as a family

I meet with couples and families in crisis every week. Do you know what one of the most common similarities is between them? You might be thinking poor communication, money issues, an affair, but you’d be wrong. What I’ve started to discover, and researchers much more smarter than I am already know, is that these couples – for a multitude of reasons – have stopped having fun together.

I guess it makes sense when you think about it for a minute. If a family or couple is in distress, they argue and squabble over everything and feelings are treated like yesterday’s garbage. Who wants to have fun when there is so much pain?

One of the most important things you will ever do as a couple and family is have fun together. Ecclesiastes 8:15 reads, “So, I’m all for just going ahead and having a good time - the best possible. The only earthly good men and women can look forward to is to eat and drink well and have a good time - compensation for the struggle for survival these few years God gives us on earth. (MSG)” Dr. John Gottman tells us that couples who stay together for the long haul, and who are satisfied, have a 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience in their marriage.

The simple reality is this, if you stop having fun together you will stop wanting to be together.

The problem is that many people dictate their ability to have fun with someone based on their feelings. This is a major mistake and one which can eventually lead to divorce. We can not let our lives be dictated by our emotions. Emotions are wonderful but they are chaotic, one day up and the next day down.

American’s have been duped into thinking we are unable to choose our emotions. We can choose our mate, choose our school, and even choose our destiny. But when it comes to our emotions, we are simply victims and we allow our emotions to defeat our relationships. Isaiah 40:30-31 tells us, “For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.”

We can soar like eagles when we depend on God for the strength to do it.

The next time you are on a vacation or a date, and your mate (or child) does something to hurt your feelings, what are you going to do? This is an inevitable part of any relationship. The question is, what are we going to do when our feelings get hurt during fun time? Are we going to sulk, get angry, fight for our honor?

Matthew 5:43-46 gives us a great plan of action, “You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best - the sun to warm and the rain to nourish - to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that.”

Ask God to help you keep focused on the purpose of your time together. I suggest you simply table the feelings for later, for a more appropriate time, and make the choice to enjoy your fun time together. I’m not asking you to avoid your hurt feelings, I’m just asking you to wait for the right time to share them. Keep fun-time sacred from conflict. Remember the Gottman ratio of 5 to 1, if you turn every date night and vacation in to a major battle ground, then what is your ratio going to look like?

To make sure you have a healthy ratio, establish a regular date night with each other and the family. This does not have to be an expensive activity, but something that you can enjoy together. Pick a day of the week for your date night as a couple as well as your family fun time. Scheduling a time is critical if you are going to make it a priority. It is too easy to fall into the same old routine and avoid fun time because of conflict, but if you make an honest and purposeful decision to have fun together on a specific day, then your chances of succeeding significantly increase.

Are you ready yet for holiday shopping?

I know, it’s only August and you are already starting to be hassled about your holiday shopping. But the reality is that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are just around the corner, and if you’re like my wife, you’ll want to start now and save big! I recently discovered CouponChief.com - a great site for saving big in mainstream stores like Target, Best Buy, The Children’s Place, and many more.

The site is really quite genius, because you can find all sorts of different discounts that are easily applied online through promo codes on the different merchant websites. Amy and I are already starting to figure out what we are going to get for our kids (and even the dog!). If you asked David, our youngest, he would tell you that all he has “ever wanted” was the new Star Wars II game, which we can find easily at Best Buy. Reagan, our middle child and only daughter, will be begging us for the latest outfit (she’s only nine) from the The Children’s Place. Cole, the oldest, will probably try and out due his younger brother with Madden Football 08 (our family is a total video game family).

Don’t waste any more time waiting for the holiday season to come to you, take charge of your list starting today and maybe even save a bunch of money so you and your spouse can take a long vacation after the holidays

Extreme sports and family bonding - a new trend for families

My wife took the kids to the local park the other day here in The Woodlands, TX area and discovered something amazing - a skate park filled with young families.  Both of my sons love extreme sports like skating, BMX, and snowboarding and it appears that mine are not the only ones.  Getting outdoors as a family is an incredible way to bond, and now you can add extreme sports as an option.

Communities all over the country are adding new and improved skate parks so families can get involved easier.  Sites like www.modernskateboardshop.com are providing an easy and cost effective way to get in to the world of extreme sports.  They have everything you need to get your kids ramped up with the best and newest products like element skateboards or zero skateboards.

What makes a woman truly attracted to a man?

What is truly attractive to a woman?  Is it a man’s muscles?  Is it a man’s manly look?  You might be surprised about what Forbes discovered in a recent study by Durham and St. Andrews Universities:

When it comes to a woman’s choice of a life-partner, a man’s face may mean a lot, a new study finds.

Many women regard men with masculine facial features — such as a square jaw, larger nose and smaller eyes — as unsuitable long-term partners, because they’re more likely to be domineering, unfaithful, unaffectionate and poor parents, U.K. researchers have found.

On the other hand, women believe that men with finer facial features — fuller lips, wide eyes and thinner, more curved eyebrows — to be more committed, less likely to cheat, and to make better parents, said the study by psychologists at Durham and St. Andrews Universities.

Thankfully for men like myself, a tad on the rounder and more feminine side, women like what I got ;-)  I wonder what the study would find for men?  Probably nothing like what it found for women.  Women clearly want someone who looks sensitive and soft and I think we all know what most men are looking for…and it’s not sensitive.

Strangers giving life

Life-Saving Strangers

After One Kidney Was Incompatible, Eager Donor Found Recipient and Spurred More Transplants

By BARBARA PINTO
July 26, 2007

A domino-like series of kidney transplants across the country first started with Matt Jones, a 28-year-old father of four.

Last week, he made the unusual decision to donate his kidney to a complete stranger.

“You only need one to survive,” Jones explained, “and there’s a lot of other people out there who could use the other one you have.”

After running his information through a nationwide database, doctors found a match for Matt’s kidney in Barbara Bunnell — a grandmother from Phoenix, Ariz., who has battled kidney disease her entire life. (For information on the database contact www.paireddonation.org)

The hereditary kidney disorder she suffered from claimed her mother and her grandmother in their mid 50s. Her husband, Ron, had hoped to donate his kidney to his wife, but tests showed he wasn’t a good match.

“The fact that she gets this kidney, we’ll grow old together,” said Ron Bunnell. “We’ll see our grandchildren grow up. It’s just a miraculous gift.”

Gift Keeps on Giving

His wife’s gift has led Ron Bunnell to the University of Toledo Medical Center, where he sat in a hospital bed ready for surgery. “I’ve transcended the nervousness. I’m totally relaxed,” he told ABC’s Barbara Pinto while glancing over at the woman in the hospital bed across the room.

She is Angie Heckman — a virtual stranger until a few weeks ago — who was just hours away from receiving Ron’s donated kidney.

Angie has spent most of her 32 years on dialysis. She was diagnosed with kidney disease at a young age, and spent 12 hours a week hooked to the blood-cleansing machinery to stay alive. She is also on drugs to control her blood pressure, which has skyrocketed as the result of her kidney disease. To Angie, Ron’s gift is overwhelming.

“We don’t know each other and he wants to help so his wife could be well. He’s just passing it on,” she said, her eyes welling with tears.

“This is the first day of the rest of her life,” said Angie’s mother, Laurie Sarvo, nervously pacing the room.

Computers Bring Donors Together

This first-ever chain of transplants is not only the result of amazing generosity — but of something called paired donation. A potential donor who wants to give a kidney to a friend or loved one, but is not a biological match can now be paired with an appropriate recipient. A computer program connects donors and kidney patients nationwide.

In this case, the computer matched Matt, who lives in Michigan, with Barb, from Arizona. Her husband, Ron, who was not a suitable donor for his wife, was perfect for Angie in Toledo. And now, Angie’s mother, Laurie Sarvo, who was not a match for her daughter, will soon give her kidney to another perfect stranger — touching off a chain of six more transplants.

“The simplest way to explain it is ‘paying it forward’ when it comes to organ transplantation,” said Dr. Michael Rees, medical director of the Alliance for Paired Donation.

“The future that I see in America is there will no longer be such a thing as a willing incompatible donor,” added Dr Rees. “If you’re willing, we’re going to get you a transplant.”

While a family member is usually best, doctors say in some cases a stranger can be an even better match. That means fewer life-threatening complications, and more lives saved.

And a kidney from a living donor, as opposed to a cadaver donor, will also last longer — 16 years, as opposed to eight, according to Rees.

For Angie Heckman, this is a new beginning.

“There are not even words to say how thankful I am,” she said to Ron — the man she calls her “guardian angel.”

“I don’t want her to pay me back,” Ron replied. “I just want to keep it going. Keep the chain going.”

That is the hope among doctors and patients — that this cascade of lifesaving miracles, sparked by one selfless act of kindness — will continue indefinitely.

For more information on paired donors: www.paireddonation.org

Copyright © 2007 ABC News Internet Ventures

The strongest case against cohabitation I’ve ever read!

Duane Sheppard has written one of the best articles I’ve ever read on the case against cohabitation.  Here is the first part of the article, please make sure you read the entire thing:

Tis the season for weddings, but it’s a little difficult to get starry-eyed at the nuptials when more than half of all American couples have lived together before walking down the aisle.

During the past four decades, the number of cohabiting couples has increased by more than 1,200 percent. What was considered scandalous just a few decades ago is now regarded as the norm. It’s virginity that makes the news.

In their book, “Shacking Up: the Smart Girl’s Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned,” sisters Stacy and Wynne Whitman capture the flippant attitude held by many of the nation’s 5 million cohabitants: “By shacking up, you get to test out what marriage would be like. It’s sort of like sampling a flavor of frozen yogurt before ordering a dish.”

Should couples be encouraged to have a free, no-strings-attached trial period to see whether they’re compatible? On the surface, this philosophy might seem to have merit. But despite the widely held notion that this burgeoning practice improves the quality of a subsequent marriage, the evidence shows otherwise.

What studies say

Thirty years of research and scores of studies now confirm what most of us have always known in our hearts to be true: Living together before marriage can be hazardous to your physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and future marital health.

Consider these findings:

• Cohabitation does not lead to marriage in the majority of cases. The median duration of cohabitation is 1.3 years.
• The risk of divorce after living together is 50 to 100 percent higher than for couples who have not lived together. (Axxinn & Thornton, 1992)
• Those who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs. (Ciavola, 1997; Forste & Tanfer 1996)
• Cohabiting couples argue, shout and hit each other more than married couples. (Penn State University, Brown & Booth, 1997)
• Women are 62 times more likely to be assaulted by a live-in boyfriend than by a husband. (U.S. Justice Department, Colson, 1995)
• Cohabiting women have rates of depression three times higher than married women.
• Those who live together are at a higher risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases, which have tripled in the past six years. (Ciavola, 1997)
• Premarital sex creates emotional baggage that lays the groundwork for comparisons, suspicions and mistrust. (Laumann, et.al, 1994)

Read more…

Thanks Duane, for putting forth a great argument supported by fundamental research.

Letting Go

I’ve written on this particular subject before, but with summer sadly winding down, I think it might bear repeating.

In September, many of you will be sending your young adult children away to college. While some may attend local colleges and still be at home, many others will be traveling far away. This is a very difficult time fora parent; having to let their child go out into the cold cruel world where we know have little control. The college experience can be both amazing and frightening. Our kids will be exposed to new things, some they may never have dreamed of encountering.

It is during this time where we must trust in God the most. If we have done our part in raising them up correctly, we must trust in that training to guide them in making wise choices and decisions for their future. We must allow them to become strong adults and that may include their making a few mistakes and failing occasionally. But if we’ve done our job, we trust that in the end they will become the men and women that God has destined them to become.

My oldest son will be entering his second year of Bible college shortly. He made the decision to travel out of state last year and he is quite a distance away. It’s not that easy to get together during the school year. That makes it hard. He came home for several weeks over the summer and our family was blessed to enjoy a wonderful vacation together. It was a great time. He went back to school this week and saying goodbye to him at the airport was just as hard as the first time. I fought tears so I wouldn’t upset him, but they’ve been flowing pretty easily over the last two days. I miss him already.

The point is this: We have a job to do as parents. It is our responsibility to prepare them for life. We do the best we can. Then it is our job to let them live that life. As hard as it is, we have to let them go. We do it through tears, but we do it. And the greatest reward is seeing them live that life to their fullest potential in fulfilling God’s destiny.

As September approaches, hold on parents. Know that you’re children are in God’s hands. And as the recent song says, “help them find their wings…”.

Increase your marital satisfaction through home improvements

Home improvements might not sound like a good way to help your marriage be stronger, but you might be surprised. There are actually several ways home improvements can help your marriage.

First, you get to go through the trauma of home improvements together. Going through anything difficult always brings couples closer together, especially when they see the difficulty as an opportunity to grow.

Secondly, you can create a space for the two of you to simply “hang” out and relax together. Anglian products actually has these really cool Conservatory items that allow you to enjoy the outdoors without having to deal with the bites and other irritations of being outdoors (Like if you live in Houston and you don’t want to be attacked by the killer squadrons of mosquitoes!).

The CO$T of parenting

What does it cost to raise a child from the cradle to eighteen-years old?  Take a look at the latest U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates which conclude that the average nationwide cost ranges from $143,790 to $289,380, depending on the income of the family. In essence, the more you make the more you’ll spend raising your child (spending more money on camps, clothes, electronic items, etc.).

I’d like to see the “emotional” numbers of raising a child figured out

More than a Match: how to turn the dating game into lasting love

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How to Find - and Keep - the Love of Your Life

When you find the love of you life, you quickly discover that compatibility profiles and personality tests don’t tell the whole story. While finding your soulmate is a good start, you need much more to build a successful, vibrant relationship that leads to a lifetime of love.

In More Than a Match, marriage and relationship experts Michael and Amy Smalley draw on their years of counseling experience - as well as hard-earned lesson from their own relationship - to reveal the specific skills you need to transform your ideal match into a lasting love. With refreshing candor and practical insights, they examine the secrets of loving well, including…

* the truth about online match-making and what makes a couple truly compatible
* defining your “perfect ten”
* keeping your eyes open while dating
* the truth about sex and dating
* finding the “easy button” in your relationship

Give your love story a happy ending by working now to lay a firm foundation for the marriage of your dreams.

We’re on Life Today August 6th!

Amy and I are thrilled to be featured on James and Betty Robison’s program Life Today! If you’d like to download you can certainly do so here. We had a blast doing the show with Kathy Troccoli and I think you’ll enjoy the content. The show features our latest book, More than a Match. So make Life Today and our publisher happy by getting your own copy

If you want to watch it, then here’s the schedule:

Check out other stations and local times here (US residents).

Should we lie to our children?

I found this question at FunAdvice and it made me want to respond:

‘Do as I say, not as I do?’ Do you feel that if you had premarital sex, then it is not OK to teach your children abstinence until marriage. Same scenario with the use of alcohol or drugs. If you tried them or are still using them, is it OK for your children to experiment, too? Do you feel you want your child at home where you can supervise if they insist on smoking cigarettes or drinking under age? Do you feel you are being a hypocrit if you tell your child not to do something that you did at their age or younger?

So how do we handle our past (and future) mistakes with our children?  I believe in total honesty with our kids, but only when they are capable of understanding our past mistakes.  Children who can’t yet understand what it means to make a mistake, seek forgiveness, and then repair the damage should not be burdened with our past mistakes.

Once your child can understand, and at least comprehend analytically, what you did and how you overcame it, then it is time to be honest.  Kids can always tell the hypocritical from the honest, so you might as well be honest.  Do not fear that they might make the same mistakes as you simply because they know what you did as a young person.

Your child will make his own mistakes, I can promise you this much.  When sharing about your own past, just make sure you share it in a way that doesn’t glorify the mistake but rather helps your child understand the consequences of the decision and then hopefully how you overcame the issue.

A step in the right direction for Darfur

The International Herold Tribune reported that:

The UN Security Council has at last taken a meaningful step toward stopping the genocide in Sudan’s Darfur region, authorizing a joint UN-African Union peacekeeping force to begin operations this fall. With 26,000 soldiers and police officers, it will be the world’s largest peacekeeping effort.

Keep praying for Darfur and for the success of the latest effort to end the violence and genocide.

The secret to finding a great marriage counselor

A struggling marriage is no fun. Could I be any more simplistic? When you are not getting along well and the tension is thick - life, love, and family are simply no fun. Day after day it becomes increasingly more difficult to talk with each other through the clouds of disbelief and rain of negative beliefs.

You don’t know what to do, and even more importantly, you don’t know who to turn to.

Eileen, the Episcopalifem, wrote an incredibly honest portrait of her own struggling marriage. I’ve never read Eileen’s blog before, but her beginning paragraph caught my eye:

First off…Friday evening. Husband and I had a quick chat, he finally agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. Of course, now I have to find a counselor, which I don’t relish, but, I shall do my part and search for one.

It is scary to look for a marriage counselor - and it’s not because of the counselor. I believe it is frightening to look for a marriage counselor because, at a deep level, we have to admit there is something wrong in our marriage - something wrong with us. That is the scary part of looking for a marriage counselor. The fact that we must embrace our imperfection and look directly in the mirror and say, “What went wrong?”

But do not fear, most marriage counselors do not bite. The biggest secret in finding a healthy and productive marriage counselor is to find one that fits for you. Someone you like (not someone who doesn’t challenge you, but someone you can handle the challenge from), someone who is recommended by people you trust. That is the easiest way to find a good marriage counselor.

Start by asking your pastor, a friend, a family member who might know of a trusted marriage counselor. Then, once you meet this marriage counselor, make sure he or she is a good fit for you as a couple. Don’t be afraid to look for someone else if you don’t match well with the marriage counselor. An important part of the therapeutic process is being able to relate and feel empathized from the counselor.

What’s the point of divorce - you have to learn how to get along anyway

Psychology Today posted the following thought on children of divorce:

Divorce can strengthen kids’ ability to sustain successful relationships, but only if their parents stay supportive throughout the ordeal—and afterward. Parents should explain their marital dilemmas to their children to alert them to problems they might otherwise duplicate. In the end, good communication can prevent romantic history from repeating itself.

My first thoughts wonder about the validity of David Mahl’s research methods.  Mahl makes a very unique statement about children of divorce, one that I’m not accustomed to seeing in any other research (not that I’ve done all the research possible).  Secondly, I wonder why the parents couldn’t get along in their marriage when it seems apparent that they need to get along in their divorce in order for the children to do well in future relationships.

Divorce doesn’t need to be a reality, and this is something I tell couples frequently.  Listen…if your children are going to avoid the tremendously negative effects of divorce, then you will have to learn how to get along with each other.  So why not do that in your marriage as opposed getting along after your divorce?