What every parent needs to know about the dangers of avoiding conflict.

Extensive research indicates that the number one predictor of divorce is habitual avoidance of conflict.  This occurs when one or both individuals are avoiders, or have a tendency to avoid dealing with conflict when it arises.  This is great information for parents!  My challenge to all parents is to never send your children to their room after they mess up!  OK, you can send them to their room but not until they have dealt directly with the issue. 

You might be thinking, “How does sending your children to their room when they make a mistake lead to a destructive marital relationship?”  If children are sent away after making a mistake rather than being taught to deal with the situation and work out solutions during a conflict, they will be learning how to be avoiders.  There are situations when a family may be too angry to effectively deal with the conflict at the moment.  You may want to take a temporary time out and meet to discuss the problem in 10 or 15 minutes.  Make sure you agree on a place and time to resolve the issue so you don’t teach your children the negative pattern of walking away from conflict, letting time go by, forgetting about it, and never dealing with the issue directly.

I can remember disappointing my parents and being sent to my room when I was younger and staying there for extended periods of time.  So often, I wanted to explain my actions or hear that my parents still loved me despite the mistakes that I made.  If you miss out on those conversations with your children, they miss out on the powerful gift of forgiveness and unconditional love that God expects parents to give their children.  Avoiding conflict means that you also avoid solving anything which in turn avoids teaching your children steps towards changing their behavior.

It is exciting that we have the opportunity as parents to teach our children skills that will help them transition into adulthood and marriage.  We have an incredible opportunity to impact the future of our children’s marriages and the way they will relate to their own children.  I actually have two challenges for you; try not to send your children to their room when they need a conflict resolution discussion and make sure you are not avoiding conflict with your spouse, your children are watching so deal with issues directly.  Good luck!

Do your children love and honor each other? Healthy conflict resolution skills begin at home!

Many people believe that it is normal for siblings to have hateful fights and for homes with teenagers to be filled with conflict-that is not true!  Some people actually expect their children to dislike each because they are siblings.  I believe they should love each other BECAUSE they are siblings.

I have known many parents who allow their children to handle conflicts with name calling, physical fights, and slamming doors.  When this activity occurs the typical response is, “they are brothers, they are going to fight”.  Obviously, family members are going to find themselves conflicted at times but allowing your children to solve their conflicts in dishonoring ways will teach them lessons they will carry out with their friends at school and with their future spouses.

If you expect your children to treat each other in a dishonoring way that is exactly what they will do.  But, if you teach them healthy conflict resolution skills and that the relationship between a brother or sister is one of the most valuable of all human relationships the Lord will bless them with, they will honor their siblings.

Although it would be easier to ask your kids to go fight outside where you won’t have to hear them, it is best to sit them down and help them discuss their feelings with each other and possible solutions to their disagreements.

By expecting your children to resolve conflicts in a loving way you not only keep a peaceful family life even through the teen years but you are preparing your children for strong marriage relationships.  Can you imagine a world where all couples entered into marriage with healthy conflict resolution skills they learned from their parents?

Expect love and honor in your home, I have two teenage sons and I promise it is possible!

Are you auditioning for the role of the spouse? Why cohabitation doesn’t work.

During our dating and early married phase of our relationship my husband and I made many poor choices. Christ was not at the center of our relationship yet and we had not received much direction from our parents regarding relationships. For this reason, I have a strong passion to help young couples with the choices they make about their relationships while they are dating. These decisions will not only impact the early years of marriage but may have life-long consequences.

When a couple decides to live together simply to see if they are meant to be together, they are making a huge mistake. The first year or two of marriage is full of excitement as well as many unexpected challenges. If you don’t have the commitment of marriage to provide you with the safety and security you need to know that your spouse is in this relationship forever, you may feel a need to play the “role” as the perfect spouse during a conflict. If you are unwilling and unsure about showing your real self during conflicting times, you will lose out on the intimacy which is built as the reward of effectively resolving conflict. Intimacy can’t grow if you fear your mate may leave if you don’t pass the test. The reality is if you are not real with your mate, your relationship will suffer.

Lately, I have had couples coming into my office asking for premarital counseling before engagement. I highly recommend this plan! They took a premarital inventory, PREPARE, which analyzed their relationship and made a rational decision based on the results of their counseling sessions.

If you really care about your potential spouse, there is nothing wrong with seeking premarital counseling before getting engaged, in fact, it is a great idea. But, asking your mate to “try out” for the role of your spouse is insulting and an ineffective approach to determining whether you were meant to be a married couple!