Popular columnist suggests an affair to help marriage

The Chicago Tribune’s, Cheryl Lavin, who writes the popular advice column “Tales from the Front” had the following advice to one of her readers’ questions:

Dear Trapped: You’re too young to take a vow of celibacy. I’m afraid the anger you’re suppressing will overwhelm you and one day you’ll do or say something you regret.

No one thinks that an extramarital affair is a good idea, but in your situation, it may save your sanity and, ultimately, your marriage. There’s an enormous difference between having an affair because you’re bored and having one because you’re denying a vital part of yourself.

It’s certainly better than wishing your husband were dead. And no one who isn’t in your shoes should condemn you.

If you were my sister, I’d tell you to find a male friend and have a discreet sexual relationship. I know this advice is controversial and certainly not an ideal solution. But your problem doesn’t have an ideal solution.

Readers, what advice do you have for “Trapped”? (emphasis added)

The woman’s question to Lavin was simply:

I’m a 42-year-old woman. I’ve been married to my husband, who’s 58, for 16 years. We had an extremely active, passionate sex life for the first eight years of our marriage, but none since. I miss sex desperately. I’ve contemplated affairs and divorce many times. I love my husband so much, but I’m miserable without sex.

The reader goes on to share how their sexual relationship originally stopped because of major physical discomfort and even pain from her husband. Hello! She mentions that he’s never gotten any help with the physical issues, which is fairly normal because most men are ashamed when they are not able to perform sexually.

I will say that he is not coping well with his physical issues, and needs to get help. However, the wife is not coping well either by wanting to divorce or have an affair. First things first, a healthy marriage is not just about sex. It is hard to reconcile with someone who says she “loves her husband very much” but then is willing to leave him because he’s hurting or willing to have an affair.

When your marriage comes up against hurt or physical ailment, do not quit. The greatest gift you will ever give yourself is to learn how to love your spouse unconditionally, like Christ loves you. I would never tell this to someone who is in physical danger, but when your spouse is hurting physically or emotionally, the best course of action is to love them through it.

That way, everyone wins.

How can I teach my daughter the power of purity and modesty when sex is treated so casually?

Q: How can I teach my daughter the power of purity and modesty when sex is treated so casually?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer
More from Michael and Amy Smalley

My boyfriend has had sex, but I am still a virgin - what should I do?

Q: My boyfriend has had sex, but I am still a virgin. I’m really interested in him, but I’d like to marry a man who’s a virgin, too. What should I do? Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer

How can I stop myself from having random sex with men?

Q: I have a habit of going out and drinking too much. When I do this, I take random guys home and have sex with them. How do I stop this behavior? Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer

I have sex, but I still feel really empty inside when it’s over. Is this normal?

Q: I have sex, but I still feel really empty inside when it’s over. Is this normal?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer More from Michael and Amy Smalley

Is oral sex really sex?

Q: Some people claim that oral sex isn’t really sex. What do you think?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer. More from Michael and Amy Smalley

Is oral sex okay?

Q: Is oral sex okay?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer
More from Michael and Amy Smalley

How do I talk to my spouse about wants and dislikes I have in the bedroom?

Q: How do I talk to my spouse about wants and dislikes I have in the bedroom?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer More from Michael and Amy Smalley

How can I achieve intimacy with someone I’m dating without having sex?

Q: How can I achieve intimacy with someone I’m dating without having sex? Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer More from Michael and Amy Smalley

Our sex life has gone down hill - what can we do?

Q: Our sex life has gone down hill - what can we do?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer
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What can we do to prepare for a good sex life?

Q: My fiance has had sex and I haven’t. I’m nervous about having sex. I’m afraid it might hurt and that it might not be a wonderful experience. What can we do to prepare for a good sex life?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer More from Michael and Amy Smalley

How can I rekindle the romance and passion?

Q: There are times when I don’t feel a great deal of love and affection for my mate. Instead I feel like we are just roommates. How can I rekindle the romance and passion?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s AnswerMore from Michael and Amy Smalley

Why is oral sex such a problem for Christian couples?

Here is a comment we received lately from our most popular post on the site:

Do what I suggest. Read Commentaries from trusted Christian teachers from throughout Christian history (not just those who have lived during the past century), meditate on what they wrote and on the Scriptures on which they relied and the reasoning they used, ask whether the Holy Spirit would allow 19 centuries of Christians to be in error on these issues only to reveal the truth in the 20th century, and pray for His discernment.

If one believes truth is objective and unchanging, he has to ask himself why Christians throughout history up until the 20th century were uniformly of the view that sexual intercourse was only licit in a marital relationship between one man and one woman and then only if open to procreation and whether the relative recent abandonment of that teaching is of the Holy Spirit or not. He also must ask whether the abandonment of that teaching has been beneficial or harmful considering that those who opposed it predicted increases in infidelity in marriage, divorce, abortion, pre-marital sex, and a devaluation of the women in the minds of men. Has that in fact happened over the past century? Is it happenstance that it happened after abandoning the theretofore unbroken and uniform Christian condemnation of sex not open to life and that these effects were in fact predicted beforehand?

Most importantly, pray for discernment and don’t rely on the views of ANYONE writing today, including me, but on the wisdom of our ancestors in the faith and their exegesis. Who do you trust, 21st century bloggers and Michael Smalley or John Chrysostom, Jerome, Augustine, Aquinas, Luther, Calvin, Wesley and Henry? Consider what Jeremy Taylor and Daniel DeFoe wrote. These are names who Christians across denominational traditions and across time honor.

May God guide you to His will.

I love how this comment begins, it is always wise to take in to consideration the views of our brilliant Christian ancestors. I’ve never compared myself to Augustine, Aquinas, or Luther but I also don’t believe that God stopped inspiring Christian thought with those men. God still speaks to us, and I challenge anyone to read Song of Songs and discover exactly the kind of sexual things that were going on between Solomon and Shulamith. Rabbis wouldn’t allow young jewish men to read that book until they were of age to actually marry. Why would they prevent them? Because there are very serious and erotic things going on in Song of Songs and a young man shouldn’t read about such things until he is capable of marrying, thus to prevent any kind of major temptation.

Always remember, if God only intended for sex to be for making babies, then why did He give us an enormous amount of nerve endings in our body parts involved with sex? Why would God make sex so incredibly pleasurable, if He did not intend us to enjoy it. One woman, one man, for a lifetime. Enjoying ourselves in that context is a gift and not a sin.

A positive conversation about sex - from a Christian point of view

Listen here to last week’s radio podcast. You might learn something about sex and the code name “Cloverfield”.

RetroFamily: The love boat and the joy of sex

Check out week three of my RetroFamily series and learn all the positive benefits and sacredness of sex.

Overcoming pornography addiction

If you are struggling with an online (or offline) pornography addiction, then take a look at what I found at www.puronline.com:

What are the key components in breaking addiction?

Clearly define the problem.
One common element that we believe must be present in any recovery program is a clear definition of the problem. This includes gaining an understanding of how sexual addiction starts, how it is fueled, and the impact it has on us and the people we love.

Start with a Biblical foundation.
It is vital for a Christian man that the solution be authored from a foundation that is Bible-based. Sexuality and sprituality are tightly linked and trying to solve one without the other will prove futile. Understanding the problem from a biblical perspective will allow you to put in place a solution that is also centered around your faith.

Have a plan.
No recovery program can remove sexual addiction overnight. Nor can any one plan solve every different kind of sexual addiction in every kind of man. But, for a plan to work, we believe that it must have clear, concise recovery steps that the participant can follow.

Take action.
You won’t finish something that you are afraid to start. Often the one thing that prevents a guy from getting help is that he has to tell someone he needs help. That process of disclosure is often perceived to be too painful, and so the problem just continues–and often escalates. So whatever you do, find a course of action that you are able to start quickly–and in a confidential setting. Just like any cancer, early treatment can often mean better, faster, more thorough recovery.

I’ve helped and worked with individuals addicted to pornography and I’m telling you right now…if you don’t get into an accountability relationship (no matter what program you choose to utilize for help) you will significantly lower your chances of success.

Addictions of any kind require an accountability relationship that his grounded in a faith-based accountability  relationship.  You do not want, nor need, to tackle this problem alone.

This is exactly why you shouldn’t tape yourselves having sex!

I recently answered a question from a couple who wanted to know if it was OK to tape themselves having sex. Here is the first comment received on the post:

Please don’t tape yourselves. We received a video from friends once, I’m sure they would die to know that was on the tape, with some other footage. We were horrified when it appeared. Never could we look at them again. We never mentiioned it, just returned the video thinking they would find it out hopefully and destroy it.

If that doesn’t convince you…then nothing will.

Is it OK to video tape yourself while having sex with your mate?

The question:

My wife and I have wondered for quite some time if it would be okay to film ourselves in the act of making love? These videos would be for our enjoyment only, store safely away from others, on password protected media.

However, we want to make sure that we are not doing something that runs contrary to the Word of God, but there’s no mention of this in the bible. Also, it’s not something you run by your pastor after church.

Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance for listening to my email.

The answer:

You are right, there is no mention of filming yourself having sex in the bible. I’m pretty sure that technology was not available at the time the bible was written

However, there are guidelines put forth in the bible that can help you decide if this is the best decision. God is very clear about keeping sex between a husband and wife. We also need to honor each other through sex, which means I would never force my wife to do anything she didn’t want to do.

My gut feeling is that you shouldn’t tape yourselves. I know you might feel like the footage is “secure”, but you have to ask yourselves an important question, “Would we ever want any one else seeing this footage?”

If the answer is no, then do not tape them. No matter how safe you think the footage is, it can always be seen by someone else because it exists. I shutter at the thought of ever stumbling on footage of my parents having sex, there wouldn’t be enough years in my life for therapy to heal from the devastation.

If the answer is yes, and you wouldn’t care, then you definitely should not tape yourselves. That becomes pornography for someone else, and you can not do that. Do not set yourselves up to fail in the sexual arena, it is too dangerous to flirt with disaster in your sexual life.

Finally a Christian who is relaxed about sex

OK, this title might get me in trouble, but I had to say it. One of the more frustrating experiences I have as a counselor are Christians who are prude and uptight about anything involving sex. This is a horrible testimony to the world, it hurts your own sex life, and what we all need to remember is that God created sex - so enjoy it to the fullest!

This comment was left recently and I had to share it with everyone:

I don’t care what my wife says, I am NOT wearing a maid’s costume

You can listen to the podcast in which he is referring to here; you can also get into the comments as well.

Thanks for having fun with the podcast Dominick!

A question about intimacy: How far is too far?

A few months ago, I wrote an entry titled “What is intimacy?” A reader commented and asked me the following question:

“I met a girl about 4 months ago who has a 3 year old child. I understand she has a lot to do and I work a lot, sometimes getting home too late to call her. The only time I get to see her is on the weekends. How can I begin being intimate without making her think I am rushing her?”

I’d like to share my response:

“Dear Mike,

With the information you have given me, let me respond this way:

First, when we think of intimacy, we always think physical. However, there is more than one level to intimacy. Emotional intimacy, I believe, is where the relationship is built. It is here that a couple get to know each other treating each other with honor and respect. It is here where communication with each other is learned. It is here where a friendship can be built getting to know each other’s personality, hopes and dreams. This kind of intimacy is crucial in a strong relationship.

Having said that, my second point covers physical intimacy. It is my belief that sex was created for a man and a woman in marriage. Sex outside of marriage is not His design and can only create a messy situation in many ways. And whatever your faith, pushing such intimacy will likely not turn out well.

You have only known this woman for a short time, it seems. My suggestion to you would be that you take things very slowly, building a friendship. There may come a time when you both feel that you’re serious enough for a lifelong commitment. Once married, you can enjoy the physical intimacy that God intended. ”

The definition of intimacy is often restricted to the physical. There is so much more to being intimate than sex. I hope I’ve explained it a little bit better here.

What is hedonism

The question:

Please explain to me in writing , what is a hedonist and what does he really do? It also leads to affairs. I believe my husband is a hedonist, he denies this when I catch him with wandering eyes - and he did have an affair with a co worker. Please print it out, I’m Deaf and my husband is hearing and I need proof. Please help me out.

The answer:

Your question is slightly complicated, but basically, a hedonist, I believe, in the form you’re suggesting, would be someone who is searching for sexual pleasure. Someone who is out of balance in their need to seek sexual pleasure (i.e. his wandering eyes and the affair). Typically someone who is a hedonist would also be highly self-centered as well.

A hedonist would typically struggle with lusting in his mind toward other women or frequently “undressing” them with his eyes and using his imagination to act out sexual fantasies. His life is all about fulfilling his sexual pleasures and nothing more and this would cause a great deal of conflict in your marriage.

The hedonism would be wrong and unfair, but you would not be the one to confront him or get him to change. Your job would be to simply share your feelings about how his hedonism affects your life and then ask him to join you in your counseling journey. If he says no, then you need to understand that your job is not to change your spouse, that is God’s duty. Your job is to share your feelings and needs, and then take care of yourself and focus on what god wants to do in your own life and work on that.

If your husband refuses to cut off his affair or continues to have affairs, that is totally and completely unacceptable and you need to hold him accountable for his actions. I hope this helps you out.

Resources to get if your husband isn’t interested in sex

The question:

Finally, I am starting to hear I am not alone. I am not the only woman with strong desires and need for sex, living with a husband that cares alot less about it. It is frustrating and hurtful. The rejection is very hard to handle.

Are there any books or resources that can help?

The answer:

I’m thrilled to see the blog is helping you realize that you’re not alone. This is important when it comes to emotional well-being. You have no idea (actually you do since you clearly stated that in your question) how freeing it for someone to hear that they are not alone in their suffering.

Normalization is why I feel so strongly about small groups. Wives and husbands find out, sometimes for the first time, that their spouses aren’t the only ones who clean before the cleaning ladies come or who yell at the TV referee during games.

But you want resources, so I’ll give you resources:

• The Secret to Sexual Intimacy DVD - this is a special DVD my wife and I filmed for couples and it comes with a printable workbook that has everything you need to get your sex life back on track.
• Sheet Music - by Kevin leman

These two would be an excellent start to your library.  If the problem is too intense, then I would recommend a one-day Marriage Restoration Intensive because books or DVD’s aren’t going to help an issue that is routed in deep woundedness.

A testimony for Don’t Date Naked

I always love receiving feedback from people who read our books, take a look at what this young lady wrote about Don’t Date Naked:

First and foremost, I would like to thank you for your book, Don’t Date Naked; it has changed my life. I am a twenty-year old lady, and still single, I have come to learn that most men are after sex, and your book has encouraged me to stay pure.

At one time I was tempted (like what also happened to Amy when she invited Jeremy to her house). I managed to stop because the guy was man enough to respect my decision not to have sex before marriage.

Your book is teaching many youths to abstain and I think you really did a good job. May God continue to bless you in Jesus’ name!

Thanks for the encouragement

How you define an affair

The question:

I have listened to this and I especially appreciate you defining emotional abuse. Now I ask that you define affair. I am the believer in my home, my husband who does not believe uses 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 to justify his actions. I try to forgive and forget and then I find out he is maintaining relationships, friendships and contact with past lovers and meeting new women, sending cards, making calls, and I am almost certain one of them visits our city to see him. How does this apply when dealing with an unbeliever? He is in the world and he is doing what people in the world do, lie, cheat and whore around. How do I as a believer deal with this madness?

The verse for those of you who want to know:

And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband[a] brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. (1 Corinthians 7:13-14)

The answer:

First let me help you understand something very much, God loves both you and your husband very much, but he certainly hates sin! We can never just pick and choose verses at our liking and use them out of context, especially to foster sinful behavior. It dishonors the Bible, God, others, and ourselves! I cannot be plainer about this point!

My blood boils when people use the Bible to further their own selfish wants and desires and I’m truly sorry your husband somehow found this obscure verse and has used it to “keep you in check”.

It is totally and completely unacceptable for him to maintain romantic elationships with other women outside of your marriage. Of course I do not have both of you sitting in front of me, and I am not hearing his side of the story, but if what you are telling me is true, I would give him 7 to 14 days to cut these relationship off compeletely and repent for what he has done and to start the process of reconciliation with you (If you are willing to do so, which I would highly recommend, especially if there are children involved.)

An affair is defined in two basic ways, in my opinion:

1. An emotional affair
2. A physical affair

An emotional affair is when your spouse is overly sharing feelings with someone of the opposite sex and connecting inappropriately on an emotional level, and frankly, to spite emotionally connecting with you. Emotional affairs usually begin because your spouse feels disconnected from you or is injured emotionally and does not feel safe and thus has a strong need to connect with someone else and begins to share with that someone intimate details of your relationship. This typically leads to a physical affair.

A physical affair is obvious; you have sexual relations, which we will not go to former president Clinton for help in defining what that means!

What is intimacy?

I’ve been contemplating for some time how to tackle this very delicate subject. It seems to be a topic most Christians shy away from and I never understood why. I’ve been a Christian for almost 20 years and have never heard a single teaching from a church on the subject. Although discussion does require some degree of decorum, we shouldn’t be so afraid of it. After all, God did create sex and He meant for a husband and wife to enjoy it. It wasn’t designed as a chore or something to be ashamed of. Just take a look at the Song of Solomon. Taken literally, this book is a wonderful picture of the desire a husband and wife can and should have for each other. Tommy Nelson, the pastor of Denton Bible Church in Texas, has an amazing teaching on this book (visit www.songofsolomon.com). It is available in both audio and video and I strongly recommend it. Basically, it is a teaching on God’s best for love, marriage, sex and romance. It’s one of the most descriptive teachings I’ve ever heard.

My own view on what makes for a truly exciting sex life is pretty simple. Great sex is a result of a great relationship. It’s not just about what happens in the physical, as important as that might seem. To me, it’s what leads up to that point that’s more important.

Men and women view sex a little differently, however, the basic foundation is the same. We both want to know we are desired, loved, respected and honored. We both need to know we are attractive to our spouse. We both want to know that we are the most important person on the planet to the one we love. The most exciting moments in the physical come from what we’ve poured into each other in other areas; spiritually, emotionally, mentally. My primary love language is quality time. When I’ve spent a great day with my husband talking, sharing, just really BEING together–knowing that there is no one else HE’D rather be with, it’s totally natural for me to want to be with him physically.

What happens once you get to the bedroom is between the two of you. But when you spend some time pouring into each other BEFORE you get there, the sexual experience will be unforgettable.

20 percent of couples suffer in a sexless marriage

I came across this statistic at the Dr. Keith Ablow blog and have not been able to verify it yet, but it does not surprise me. First, I’m typically very skeptical and quite snobby when it comes to self-help gurus and their television shows (it probably has more to do with jealously than anything else ). So when I actually see a show and television personality that I like, then it means something. When I can say that I like a psychiatrist, that really means something! Now I must admit I’ve only had a very short experience watching Dr. Ablow, so I can’t truly recommend him yet or promote any of his advice, I’ve only watched him once, but I was impressed with his analysis with the Ana Nicole Smith tragedy.

But I found his blog and found this statistic:

Married couples want their love and lust to last a lifetime. In reality, though, nearly 20 percent of couples are in sexless marriages.

Do you want to know why couples might suffer in a sexless marriage? It’s usually not as complicated as you might think. Let me share with you just a few of the more powerful and core reasons a couple would eventually stop having sex with each other:

1. Their initial sexual relationship is traumatic and confusing and they refuse to talk about it. Instead of seeking help, they stop.
2. There is an inability to resolve conflict and they get into one, or all, of four destructive patterns as outlined by Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley. These destructive communication “germs” than infect marriages and destroy the sex drive are escalation, avoidance, dishonor (name calling), and negative beliefs.
3. They keep pushing each other’s buttons (core relational fears) and keep responding poorly. Just type in “core fears” in the search field on this site and you can read about what these are, but basically a core fear is the “why” of your anger, hurt, or frustration. You’re not upset about your husband coming home late, you’re upset because when he comes home late that makes your feel rejected, devalued, or unimportant (these are all core fears). You are responding to your core fears being pushed by withholding sex!

These are just some ideas, I’ll have to do a podcast on this idea tomorrow or the next day, so stay tuned.

Is oral sex Ok in a Christian marriage?

I just received this question and it jumped right off the page at me!

We have just ordered over $400 worth of books, workbooks, cd’s and dvd’s from you and your family……..we are desperate……I just have to ask one question………I have to have an answer to this question before I can get past some issues……….it is this………..

“Is oral sex something that is OK with the Lord, and, is it ok to dress up in a little nurse costume, or such.

I know this sounds so crazy, but I am about to go out of my mind needing to know the answers to this question! We have two boys coming up and I want them to have the best life possible in the Lord………these questions are just not talked about enough!

Thank you for your time and answer. May God richly bless you and all of your family!

You won’t want to miss my next podcast answer! Click here to listen.

My first podcast: Don’t be so resistent to help

This is in response to all the heat about a woman’s need for sex! You won’t want to miss this podcast

Click here to download the MP3 file or to launch your own computers music player.

Am I the only wife who has a need for sex?

The issue:

I also am in the category of women who feel they NEED sex and I have a husband who doesn’t seem to, or at least not very often. And I have often felt like I’m the only wife who has this problem. There certainly aren’t any books out there that address the issue this way. Maybe the Smalley’s could look into it… (read this comment and others)

The answer:

First off let me say that you are most certainly not the only wife out there with these feelings, and I consistently get this issue in the counseling room. I’d say I get almost just as many wives complaining about sex as men in the counseling room, in terms of “not enough sex!” You do not need to feel alone in this, I imagine you do, because society has taught women (especially Christian women, which I’m making an assumption with you on this one) that good Christian women do not want nor discuss sex - and this is a tragedy.

My wife and I are addressing this issue, and we’ve started to with our DVD on sexual intimacy, it’s not an in-depth look into your specific issue, but what I like about our DVD titled, The Secret to Sexual Intimacy, is that it is not a prude’s guide to sexual intimacy! We give all sorts of fun and interesting tips for couples to help them add energy and “newness” to their sexual life together (entirely appropriate and no dirty images of any kind!).

We are working on a new marriage book that would address sexual intimacy more in-depth and we would address specifically what you are struggling with specifically. It is a big topic, but more importantly, you will want to know why your husband is not interested in sex as much as you are. It sounds like you’re frustrated, so make sure that you have the communication skills necessary to share your feelings around this issue as to not create more fear, frustration, or hurt for your husband (and yourself).

If you find that you can not resolve this by yourselves, then you need to simply find a pastor or counselor to help, you can always try our marriage and family center her in The Woodlands, Texas for a one-day marriage restoration intensive.

My next bit of advice would be to make sure your husband doesn’t have anything biological going on, that is the first question I ask any client going through sexual intimacy issues. You always want to rule out biology before you move into psychology or emotional issues. His testosterone level might be too low or other physiological issues might be at hand that are easily solvable.

When a husband abuses intimacy

One of my most popular posts has been whether sex is a want or a need, but I recently got a comment from a reader that truly upset me:

What about the husband that has sex with you when you’ve said no. I have been raped by my husband many times. He says he’s a Christian and looks up this stuff on the internet to preach to me that sex is a need. Preaches to me about the bible that my body is his. I know this is probably extreme but I wish you would have addressed it’s a need but respect and love for the other person is also important.

I want to be as plain and strong as possible.  If what you say is true, then I couldn’t be more upset with your husband, or any husband for that matter, who would use the bible and Christianity for his own selfish purposes!  You can search this blog and find probably dozens of posts that speak frankly and openly about the need for a husband and a wife to openly serve one another like Christ served the church.

I’m horrified that your husband would use the bible in such a way, and what’s sad, is that you’ve allowed yourself to be used this way.  I don’t want this to sound harsh, but I do want you to know that you need help.  If your husband is abusing you sexually, which it sounds like he is, you need protection from your husband.  He needs to be held accountable for his actions, what he is doing is unacceptable and you are far too valuable to be treated like this.  Get to a friend, get to a pastor, get to a family member, get to someone who understands your value and will help you be strong.

I will be praying for you.  No wife deserves to be treated this way.  You don’t deserve to be treated this way. 

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