What is love?

A friend of mine recently asked:

Hi Michael I have a favor to ask you…What is the different between love and being in love?

Here was my answer, I thought many of you might like reading this response and I pray it is encouraging to you:

What a great question Belky! Here’s the difference, when you are “in love”, that can always go away, because feelings come and go. That kind of love is situational and based on feelings and how well you’re being treated or feel at the time. But when you love someone, that is a decision and is not prone to emotional quirks, but rather fortified through commitment. That is the kind of love that is real. And incidentally, when you choose to love someone, no matter what, the feelings of love always follow =]

The mowing lawnman

I think this man has the right idea when it comes to loving others.  Read his story and then try to relate it to conflict resolution.  You might be surprised to learn how similar his story is to the ideals that make resolving conflict possible.  (The key is in discovering the needs of others and then serving them first.) Here is the story:

He’s the mowing mailman

This postman delivers much more than mail.

By Lane DeGregory, Times Staff Writer

Published December 11, 2007

Mailman Eric Wills, 30, wears a large smile after drinking a nice cold drink supplied by a concerned neighbor after cutting Clifford Andrews lawn. It took Wills more than an hour to cut the yard that Andrew says is the same size as five lots. For the last two years, Wills has been spending his days off mowing older men and womens yards for free.

Wills turns from the mail to the lawn this day at the home of Elizabeth Krupa in the Euclid-St. Paul neighborhood of St. Petersburg.

While dispatching the mail two summers ago, Wills decided it was time to dispatch with the overgrown grass.

On his day off, the mailman returns to his route. He drives a beat-up Cherokee with a homemade trailer hitched to the bumper, parks in front of a little blue house on a corner lot tangled with weeds.

He carries no mailbag. He has nothing to deliver. Except his time.

The mailman unlocks his trailer and rolls a red lawn mower onto the yard. He tugs a battered ball cap over his sandy hair and wades into the weeds.

“This is Jack’s house,” says the mailman. It all started at Jack’s house.

Eric Wills’ postal route takes him on a 10-mile hike through the center of the city.

He starts with businesses along Central Avenue, but most of his route is residential. The neighborhoods are mixed, racially and economically. Immaculate two-story homes tower over boarded-up bungalows.

Wills, 30, has been walking the same streets for six years. When he was offered a better route, closer to his home in the Northeast Park area of St. Petersburg, he refused. Somewhere along these cracked sidewalks he found his path.

These are his people: all 480.

He knows who’s on vacation, whose in-laws have moved in, who gets the best catalogs, the most bills. When mail starts coming addressed just to Mrs., he knows there’s no longer a Mr.

He delivers directly to each house - climbs those steps, stands on those porches. Elderly residents call their thanks through mail slots.

For some, Wills is the only person who ever comes to the door.

Ask him about the people on his route and he’ll tell you about Miss Lucille, 86, who worked on Navy ships during World War II; and Miss Betty, 83, whose Irish wolfhound weighs more than she does.

And he’ll talk about Jack and his overgrown lawn.

Iron banisters flank the front steps of Jack’s little blue house. Two summers ago, they were strangled with vines. To get the mail to the front door, Wills had to fight through a jungle.

The mailman didn’t know much about Jack, except that he was old and seldom got out. A frail-looking girlfriend who didn’t seem to speak English lived with him.

For weeks, the mailman struggled through the thicket, silently cursing the man who wouldn’t mow his yard. One day, he heard a voice. His conscience? God?

Someone should mow that yard!

Me.

When Wills’ letter bag was empty, he drove home and loaded the lawn mower into the back of his Cherokee.

Then he returned to the middle of his mail route.

He knocked on Jack’s door, said he wanted to cut the yard. Just to help. No charge. “That yard is the least of my worries,” the old man barked.

So Wills mowed that corner lot. Two weeks later, he mowed it again. Even after the old man moved into a nursing home, the mailman kept mowing his yard. As long as Jack’s girlfriend was getting the mail, the mailman would look after the lawn.

For two years, Wills has been cutting Jack’s lawn. That yard led to another, and another, and another . . .

On the Monday after Thanksgiving, Wills pours gas into the push mower in Jack’s yard and bends to pull the cord. The ancient engine chokes to life.

Wills is tall, with broad shoulders. His calves are thick knots from hiking his route, from pushing that mower on his day off. He longs for a rider, or at least a commercial grade push model. But with the price of gas these days, he can barely afford to fill his tank.

He turns the mower to the sidewalk, shoves his wire-rim glasses higher on his nose. As he starts to cut, a car pulls up and a dark-haired woman gets out.

“Aren’t you the mailman?” she asks.

Wills nods and shuts off the mower.

“My mother lives here. Jack’s girlfriend?” says the woman. “Didn’t you get her note?”

In time, word spread about the mowing mailman. Much of it, Wills spread himself.

Once he started seeing overgrown yards not as eyesores but as a sign someone needed help, he began knocking on doors along his route. He told churches about his service. Other letter carriers sent referrals.

Wills cuts 15 yards now - for free. In the winter, he comes every two weeks; in summer, he tries to make it weekly. His record is eight yards in a day.

He works alone, in silence, except for the hum of the mower. No iPod or headphones intrude. He says he thinks about nothing. Everything. Mowing, he says, gives him peace.

Several years ago, Wills hurt his foot playing pickup basketball. Every step was agony. He worried he’d have to give up his postal route. So he prayed. And God healed him, he says.

He had been searching for a way to give back. But until he got engulfed in Jack’s yard, he wasn’t sure how. Now he knows: His calling smells like grass.

“It’s just my little way of making a difference,” he says. Some of these folks wish they could get out and mow; many can’t afford $100 a month for a lawn service. They sit at home, watching through their windows while things get worse.

“A yard is a reflection of the person who lives there,” Wills says. “So why not help them feel better?”

Lucille Formanek, 86, calls Wills “a blessing from heaven.” A self-described old maid, she has lived alone since her mother died. “He’s such a nice, strong young man.”

Wills and his brother built a trailer to haul lawn gear. They painted a stick man on the side, mowing around a huge brown cross. Sprayed-on letters say, “Lawns for the Lord.”

But the mailman’s ministry includes more than mowing.

He rented a bush hog to clear an aged man’s five lots; carried out garbage for a retired nun - then paved a path to her garbage bin; dug up azaleas for a single mom; moved heavy planters for a widow; brought his 7-year-old daughter to play piano for a lonely old lady. Recently he replaced a lightbulb for an elderly woman who said she hadn’t been able to read her thermostat for weeks.

“In all that time, I was the only person who’d come to her door,” Wills said. “What if I hadn’t come?”

The little blue house has a postage stamp porch. Shaggy shrubs fan across the mailbox. Usually, Jack’s girlfriend is good about bringing in the mail.

But just before Thanksgiving, letters started piling up.

All those holiday fliers buried the note.

It’s folded in the bottom of the mailbox, written on torn paper. Wills fishes it out and walks across the yard. He smooths the message over the handle of his mower.

To: Mr. Mailman

Thank you for your help cutting the grass. Jack died last night and I will be moving out. Again, thank you very much.

The note was signed Zaida. Wills had never known her name.

Lane DeGregory can be reached at 727 893-8825 or degregory@sptimes.com.

Want to help?

If you want to help the mowing mailman, or if you know someone who needs his help, contact him at (727) 642-3971.

The 28 rules for resolving conflict with your children (and the scripture to help you further understand)

When you get into conflict with your children, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world, or even miserable, take a look at the following list of ground rules for fair fighting.  Read more

What will it take to keep America strong?

A highly functioning and healthy society is made up of marriages that, first and foremost, have a loving relationship with God.   Read more

The ‘Purity Ball’ - how you can be a father to your daughter

I love finding incredible stories that not only warm the heart but prove to be an incredible lesson as well.  You have to read this story from TIME magazine about Kylie Miraldi and her ex-NFL football playing father. Read more

There are treasures in trials

When was the last time something bad happened to you?  Everyone can answer this question, sadly, it is the result of a broken world.  Bad things happen to bad people and good people alike, it does not separate the two.  What are we to do when something bad happens, when we are stressed out, when we are needing to forgive?

The apostle Paul in Philippians gives us a good answer:

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. 7 Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. 8 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. 9 Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
(Philippians 4:6-9 MSG)

God wants us to thank Him in every circumstance.  What a paradigm shift for most of us!  When we feel the worst we are suppose to thank God?  It doesn’t seem logical, then again, many of God’s ideas don’t seem logical to my pea-sized brain - which is why I have faith and trust in God’s word.

My father recently wrote (for a new book he’s working on), “I have discovered that it’s impossible to hold worry, fear and stressful thoughts while at the same time trying to express gratefulness.  Worry is like darkness and gratefulness is the switch that turns on God’s light of peace within us.”

What are the “pearls” that accompany trials?  I believe the first pearls we can experience when meditating and focusing on what Philippians 4:6-9 are the pearls of peace: “Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

Paul tells us how wonderful it is when we “sense God’s wholeness”.  You must admit, during the darker times of your life, when you followed Paul’s wisdom and experienced what he is writing about, it felt good.  Once we get our attitude aligned with Philippians 4:6-9, not only will we experience God’s wholeness, but a literal good will come of the trial.

What I mean by this, is that when bad things have happened to me in my life, usually God will allow me to help someone in the very same predicament (or at least extremely close).  I gain wisdom, strength, and endurance when I go through a trial with grace (like Philippians).  What better pearls are there than wisdom, strength, and endurance?

Possible Questions:

1. Why do bad things happen to good people?
2. How can we meditate on scripture?
3.  What are the eight things we are to meditate on? (hint, the words are in bold up above in the verses)

The most important thing in life: When you want to “fix” your relationship

I need to be honest, and I want to be honest. I’m one of those people that typically turns to God at the last moment - when all hell has broken loose in my life - I will finally turn to the Bible or go to God in prayer.

So this morning I decided that I would not wait for impending disaster any longer, but instead, would actually try to get ahead of the game and go to God’s word ahead of schedule and seek God’s counsel through prayer before I’m in total crisis.

I was reading 1 Peter, which is an excellent book to go with if you want to feel really successful, because you can read the entire thing at one sitting A particular verse popped out at me this morning (I was reading from The Message) and I want to share it with you:

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. (1 Peter 4:8)

I have a client who’s husband could be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality disorder. He’s been nothing short of horrible through abuse, affairs, and inappropriate threats to her life. I will protect her privacy, but her upbringing was even worse than her marriage! She is not from this country and has survived things that you and I could never understand.

But she has taught me something through our time together. She is living 1 Peter 4:8. Even though her husband has treated her horribly, she has not responded in kind, rather, she has done the right thing. She is a believer and does not think she should be cruel back to him, and just the other day he actually said to her, “Why haven’t you done anything bad back to me?”

There’s some powerful research coming out on how to help someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and guess what? The most promising therapy is couples therapy! That’s right, a Narcissist needs someone who is capable of loving them and empathizing with them despite all the horrible things they do.

I always tell clients (and remind myself a lot), no matter what, do the right thing and things will go well for you.

Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless - that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here’s what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful; Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you’re worth. God looks on all this with approval, listening and responding well to what he’s asked; But he turns his back on those who do evil things. If with heart and soul you’re doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you’re still better off. Don’t give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you’re living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. (1 Peter 3: 8-15)

You don’t have to be perfect to be a parent

I just got an email from a dad who was hurting over ruining Christmas for his family. One of his kids got in trouble, again (Can any of you parents relate to that?), and he didn’t handle his frustration over the child’s continued disobedience well.

Here’s the deal, you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent, you just have to learn how to repair the damage you create. Too many parents worry about not messing up, and this is a big part of their problem. They’re worried about something they don’t have control over. There is no way to avoid messing up, it’s a little thing called sin.

Instead, worry about quickly recognizing when you’ve made a mistake, then going to your children and repair the damage through soft words, touch, and changed behavior. The greatest gift we can give our children is the gift of humility. The ability to show our children that daddy was wrong and to say, “Will you forgive me?”

Stopping the AIDS epidemic: why the critics of Bush and others don’t understand

I’ve been to Nigeria and South Africa over the past few years and have personally held the hands and hugged the necks of babies, men, and women suffering the horrendous effects AIDS. The HIV virus has infected millions in Africa and in the next decade you can’t even imagine the death you will see on our television sets on the continent of Africa when the epidemic truly breaks out.

It will be massive.

I recently read a post by Mona Gable titled, Bush is Wrong on How to Stop Aids, she wrote:

Which brings me to George W. Bush’s latest lunacy on how to stop the spread of HIV/AIDS. Which is to avoid sex completely. He’s aiming this dangerous nonsense at those who most need good solid health information: teenagers and young people. (I wonder what the Bush twins think of Daddy’s plan?) We all know now how terrific those federally funded abstinence programs in public schools have worked. Teens are still having lots of sex–surprise, surprise–and yet because some want to pretend they’re not, they’re not using birth control. Or condoms. The lesson is obvious. Do we really need to go through another generation of denial and ignorance again on this? I would no more tell the 16-year-old that the only way he can avoid AIDS is not to have sex then I would tell him than it’s OK to drive drunk. They’re both lethal. So is Bush’s idea.

I have to seriously question whether Mona has ever traveled to Africa and spent time in local villages where the Aids epidemic is actually taking place. Maybe she has, and she can correct me and I will accept it graciously. I’ve been wrong before, you can ask my wife about that.

But to say that abstinence won’t help solve the Aids problem in Africa bothers me. That is like saying that breathing won’t solve your oxygen problem for your lungs. Of course not having sex will solve the Aids problem, having sex transmits Aids, so not having sex will certainly help solve the Aids problem.

And yes, I understand that young people want to have sex, and no where in Bush’s plan does he say that he will stop handing out condoms. I also want to point out to Mona that World Vision (a nonprofit Christian organization) is handing out condoms to Africans right now as a part of their mission to solve the Aids problem (amidst a lot of criticism from far right conservatives).

This is where I get frustrated. Mona dismisses abstinence just as ridiculously as conservatives dismiss condoms. At least that’s what the post appears to read like.

There’s another problem I want to address about the African AIDS epidemic. There are serious and profound local beliefs about AIDS that are not going to go away very easily. Did you know that, at least in South Africa…

• women do not believe they can tell a man no when asked for sex, even if it is not their husband?
• men believe that if they have sex with a virgin, their HIV virus will go away? (girls as young as infants are now being raped)
• many of the rural Africans believe that Americans are poisoning the condoms with the AIDS virus (so how does that fit with Mona’s theory of condoms for Africans?)

If we are going to stop the AIDS epidemic in Africa, it’s going to take every single one of us making an effort to care. We have to make a difference with our voice, our hearts, and our wallets. I encourage people to go to Africa. See for yourself what’s going on over there and then you’ll know why you want to make a difference.

I’ve been all over the world and come home with sicknesses like Meningitis, but still I love going back because people matter. I don’t want to see Africa disappear because America didn’t help. Get involved. You know how. There’s so many ways.

Will premarital sex destroy my future marriage?

The question:

My small group youth leader past “don’t date naked” to me and I have enjoyed it thus far. I have two questions. One, how do I interpret the personality test. The second is more personal and regretful.

I have been claiming to be a Christian all my life but never walked strait down that path. I have preformed pre-marital sex. I was not at the time but am very regretful now about this. Obviously I can not do anything about this now but how do you think my relationship with my future Christian wife will handle this news? I have been praying and asking God to direct me towards a Godly woman, I’m just afraid of her reaction. I want to thank the both of you for what you are doing and wish you the best. God Bless.

The answer:

The answer to your first question can be found online shortly, as soon as I upload the results, which should be in a couple of days, so I’ll keep you posted on that front

The answer to your second question is not as complicated as you might fear. I can feel your pain. I have regrets in my life, skeletons in my closet, things I have done in my life that I wish I had done differently, it’s called sin and I wish it wasn’t a part of my life, but it is and it will be until I die.

Did you know that almost 88% of evangelical Christian people surveyed at my seminars admitted to having sex before marriage? You are not alone. I was a virgin when I got married, but I was a minority. The chances of you marrying a woman who hasn’t had sex is going to be much slimmer than you marrying a woman who’s already had sex.

I know that some readers are starting to get upset with me right about now, but I want you to hang in there with me. I’m not condoning premarital sex. I’m not. It’s not a wise decision. But we can’t be naive and just close our eyes and cover our ears and pretend that young adults are not having sex, that simply isn’t true. They are, the vast majority are having sex and we’d better figure out what to do about it. Whatever we are teaching in Sunday school, and the school system, is not working, not even close.

You said something in your question that is really bothering me, though, “I’ve been claiming to be a Christian all my life…” You can not live your life through the acts of your sin but rather through the grace God has give you by the act of Christ dying on the cross for your sin.

My friend, you are forgiven, end of story, you are not a fake, a phony, or anything less because you’ve messed up, and in fact, you’re going to mess up again and again as a husband, father, employee, and boss. What God wants from you is a heart that is recognizes it is broken and a heart that gives access to Christ for healing and restoration.

Rest easy and know that when the day comes and you meet that special someone, like my wife did (at least I hope she still feels that way ). If this woman truly knows Christ, she won’t be concerned about the condition of your past, she’ll be concerned about the condition of your heart.

Why do men lie to women?

I was recently reading an interesting post by Gayla McCord on the 10 Lies Men Tell, and it got me thinking about why men tell lies to begin with. It’s an important question. I know you want to be able to identify if a man is lying to you, but even more important, is that you want to know why would a man want to lie in the first place? That is the question you want to answer.

And I might have a few thoughts on it, if you’re interested that is

There are several reasons why a man might feel the need to lie to a woman:

1. He’s feeling like a failure
2. He’s feeling guilty (which also might make him feel like a failure)
3. He’s feeling attacked and that he’s going to “lose” an argument
4. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so he’s wanting to protect your feelings (which is really pretty stupid, because in the end, he really just hurt your feelings anyway, but at least he tried)

There might be other legitimate reasons why men lie (I’ve read other posts and articles that say men lie because they want sex, and this is true, but if you’re with one of those types of men, then you’re with a total loser and should you leave him immediately! Real men don’t lie to get sex from women.)

Real men lie, don’t get me wrong. Real people lie, cheat, steal, hurt, yell, avoid, and basically sin, but real men do not take advantage of women on purpose, they do that on accident.

Do you know the divorce rate of couples who pray together?

Do you know what the divorce rate is of couples who pray together? It’s about 1%! I recently ran a poll where I asked couples, “How often do you pray together as a couple a week (not including meals)” They were given the following options:

Never
1
2
3
4
5
We’re practically monks

Here’s the results of my poll:

• 69% responded that they never pray together outside of meals.
• 25% said they prayed together about once a week together.
• 6% said they prayed together three times a week together.

I’d suggest that we have a slight praying problem people. If couples who pray together have less than a 1% divorce rate (Barna research group stat), then we need to learn how to better pray together.

So instead of complaining that couples are not praying together very well, I’ll try and offer up some solutions for you

Here’s some good resources and suggestions for you to help kick start a good prayer life together:

• The Power of a Praying® Husband
• The Power of a Praying® Wife

I’ve actually met and interviewed Stormie several times and have to say that her two books are excellent.  Amy and I have used them in our own small group and they are powerful but simple books to help get you started on a prayer journey in your marriage.

Warning signs that your child might be addicted to porn

You know online pornography is devastating to your child, but how can you know if your child is watching it? I want to give you some signs to look for that might give you a hint that your child might be hooked to online porn.

In a study of how online porn can effect children, an Australian research group found that children exposed to pornography were significantly more aggressive:

Of the 101 sexually-abusive children seen over the past three years, almost all had access to the Internet, and 90 percent admitted having seen sexually-explicit material online, the report said.

One of the first things you might notice with your child is that he is more aggressive sexually towards girls. He would probably be acting this out at school and be getting into trouble. Normal sexual behavior for younger boys and girls (pre puberty) would be things like “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.” But trying to put their parts into each other or stroking or really acting on “adult” sexual behavior is definitely beyond the norm.
I can not stress enough how important it is to secure your home against the danger of online porn. Exposure to this industry to your young children leads to so many problems you don’t want to deal with the consequences.

I was meeting with a friend recently, and I recommend, for young children, Apple computers because you can set up a very simple internet safety setting through Safari that only lets your kids surf sites that you have pre-approved. I know this might sound frustrating, but it’s worth it and I haven’t found it that annoying, seriously, my kids rarely come to me to add new sites after an initial set-up time of about an hour of adding safe sites.

Here are some other signs your child mild be hooked on online pornography:

• your child is becoming increasingly more shut-down and secretive
• your child spends too much time online and tends to close windows quickly when you come into the room
• your child stays up late into the night after you’ve gone to bed online
• your child makes an effort to get online at other people’s homes unsupervised
• there’s a computer in the home that is out-of-the-way (i.e. in the basement, attic, their room, etc) and your child uses that computer at odd hours to surf the web

The cohabitation debate should finally be over

When will the cohabitation debate finally end? I’m still amazed at how many young singles still don’t know the devastating statistics about the demise of cohabitating relationships. They don’t work and it’s not a Christian, biblical, fundamental opinion either.

Research is clear that when a couple cohabitates before they get married their chances of staying together virtually disappear. Take the most recent study out of the University of Chicago and what they discovered with French families:

Well, yes, it is true that French family structures have not “disintegrated.” But a 2003 University of Chicago study found that children born to cohabiting couples were 285 percent more likely to see their parents separate than children born to married parents. Not surprisingly, the same study finds that the deinstutionalization of marriage has also been accompanied by a marked rise in single parenthood.

If you’re single, listen to me very carefully, do not, if you love the person you’re with, move in together, no matter what! It will practically guarantee the demise of your relationship. It doesn’t work. Don’t get caught up in the rhetoric with your parents or pastor, read the research of real scientists and people like me who do this stuff for a living (also take a look at Susan Tabbert’s post, it’s a brilliant look at the matter).

Filed Under: Being Single, Getting married, The Top Posts
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What can you do when you’re no longer attracted to your spouse?

November 20, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

It’s a common problem with couples I see in my office:

• “I’m not attracted to him any more.”
• “I don’t love her any more.”
• “She doesn’t turn me on like she used to.”

What can you do when you’re not attracted to your spouse any more, and more importantly, what happened in your marriage to lead you down this path?

It’s actually not as complicated as you might think. The answer is just probably not what you want to hear. Usually the confused spouse wants me to say, “Well, that is horrible, you need to leave this marriage and quickly find someone that will meet your physical and emotional needs as soon as possible!”

I’m never going to say that because it simply isn’t going to solve the problem. If you can’t find happiness with your current spouse, then you won’t find happiness with your next spouse…and that’s a promise.

What you need to do is fix your thinking about love and attraction. Because my guess is that you’ve based your feelings about your spouse on emotion and not on decision, and here lies your problem.

Love is not an emotion it is a decision. If you want passion, romance, and intimacy, then those things always follow a choice and never follow a feeling. In fact, if you follow your feelings, it’s probably why you’re as miserable as you are in your marriage!

Feelings come and feelings go but decisions last a lifetime.

Filed Under: Marriage, The Top Posts
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The secret to plugging in to the source of life

November 19, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 1 Comment 

You’ve reached the end of the line. You can’t handle any more. Your too tired, too hurt, too frustrated, too angry, too…everything. I’ve counseled hundred, no, thousands of people through over a decade of work now and I’ve just discovered the secret to plugging in to the source of life.

I hate sounding cliche. The kind of cliche when I’m sitting with someone who’s just discovered that their spouse has cheated on them, or their child has died, or they are going to die of cancer because a tumor is inoperable and I want to say something like, “you need to pray about that…” or even worse “trust God with that…”

These things are true, but sometimes they don’t feel like the right thing to say or it’s that I feel that people hear them so many times in their lives that they know what it sounds like but they don’t know how to actually do them.

Today, I learned something extremely valuable from my Sunday school class. A collection of extremely bright and talented couples who are dedicated to growing closer to God and closer to each other.

There was a moment during the discussion time when I had the chance to throw out this question, “How do you help someone actually plug into the source of life? I mean, it’s easy to say, ‘plug in to God’, but how do you actually help someone do that?” As usual, my class came up with a brilliant answer, or rather, discussion.

Here’s the secret.  It’s not really a one time act.  It’s a strategy.  Only God can provide for our need for security and he accomplishes this task through His people, His word (the Bible), His spirit (the Holy Spirit), and His timing.

I realized today that I can help people plug in to the source of life (God) by getting them to understand and recognize the power in prayer (our relationship with God), communion (a complete and total mystery), small groups (the essence of community and support for each other), bible reading, listening to God’s guidance through the Holy Spirit, certain books, and the list could go on.  God will touch your life through many avenues, all you need is the patience to let God work things out through God’s timing.  I truly believe that’s the key to all of this.

We get so hurried to get the pain over with that we make things worse.  Slow it down and take a big breath.  Healing is not a drive-through but rather a five-star restaurant that serves a seven course meal.

Filed Under: Spiritual Things, The Top Posts
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Why marriages end in divorce - and what this means to the children

November 6, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

Why do couples divorce? The typical statement I hear from couples who come to my office is, “I know there’s a thousand reasons why couples divorce….” Actually, there are only four reasons why couples divorce, and all four of these reasons center around the way a couple handles conflict. Notice how I didn’t say, how a couple manages to eliminate conflict, but rather, how a couple handles conflict.

Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship, and especially the relationship with your spouse. In fact, conflict is actually one way you draw closer to your spouse. It’s a deeper level of communication. Conflict is not bad, it’s how you handle, or cope with conflict, that makes the difference between a satisfied couple or a miserable couple.

Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley discovered, through one of the most comprehensive longitudinal research studies ever, that there are really only four reasons why couples divorce. They can predict with over 93% accuracy whether or not a couple will divorce simply by discovering how a couple copes with conflict (you can actually take this test online right now).

Here are the four reasons why couples divorce:

1. Escalation: when you get into an argument things spiral out of control. People who escalate do a lot of yelling and screaming and will say hurtful things in the heat of battle that they can never take back (or do things they can never take back).
2. Avoidance: when conflict arises, this person flees the scene and avoids conflict like the plagues of Egypt. I’m an avoider and it’s been difficult for me to learn how to engage in conflict and not run away. Avoidance is so unhealthy because nothing ever gets solved. I used to believe that avoidance was better and less “nasty” than escalation, until one day, I heard my wife say, “It’s like the pain I feel in side will never end.” Wow! That sounds pretty harsh if you ask me.
3. Dishonor: when conflict arises, these people get flat out ugly. They will say things like, “Why did I ever marry you? I hate you. You’re so stupid, fat, ugly, dumb, etc.” They basically take the position that they are better than their spouse.
4. Negative beliefs: these people can’t take anything their spouse does as positive. No matter what their spouse does (especially when the intensions are good) this spouse takes it as negative. This is damaging because hope leaves the relationship for the affected spouse.

Can you see yourself or your spouse in any of these four risk factors for divorce? If so, then you’d better learn a new way to cope with conflict. Remember, it’s not that conflict is bad, but rather how you handle conflict that makes the difference. If you can learn productive ways to handle conflict, then your relationships will be satisfying.

If you don’t change these patterns of relating with each other, then your marriage will end in divorce. It’s not complicated and I can say this with 93% authority. Your children, if you divorce, will be subjected to a myriad of difficulties:

For example, studies have consistently shown that children raised outside marriage suffer disproportionately from physical and mental illness; are more likely to drop out of school, abuse drugs or alcohol, and engage in violence or suffer it in their homes; and are less likely to attend college. Child Trends, a nonpartisan research organization summed up the evidence in 2002: “Children in single-parent families, children born to unmarried mothers, and children in step-families or cohabiting relationships face higher risks of poor outcomes.”

There’s something I share with clients who are contemplating divorce, and I want you to know that I only share this with good intentions. I care deeply for marriages, families, and children. I don’t want to see any family ravaged by divorce. When I’m meeting with a couple who’s only problem is that they simply don’t know how to get along properly (in other words there’s no physical or sexual abuse going on in the home) I will look them straight in the eyes and say, “If you decide to divorce, that will be the most self-centered decision you will ever make, and it will truly hurt the lives of your children.”

I will then follow this statement up with something like, “If your son or daughter were sitting with us now, and you asked him what he thought, or what her opinion was about the divorce, what would he (she) say?” Ten times out of ten the couples answer, “she would say no.”

Divorce is a family decision and not a “grown-up” decision.  Your children are just as impacted by the divorce as you are and their opinions should count.  If your marriage is truly in crisis I have a retreat that is based on a wildly successful program that keeps couples together, no matter how stressed out they are! The Marriage Restoration Retreat is a two-day marriage experience designed to eliminate divorce and increase marital satisfaction.  You can not only survive but actually learn what it takes to thrive!

Filed Under: Conflict Resolution, Marriage, The Top Posts
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14 ways to open the door to intimacy with your spouse

October 18, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

If you’re wondering what it takes to gain intimacy in your marriage, take a look at the list below. It is no secret anymore what it takes to remain married for the long haul (and do so happily).

Researchers have discovered through science, observation, and counseling, what a couple must do and think if they want to remain happily married for life. Living in a healthy, supportive marriage is not impossible, in fact, it is very possible. Take a look below to see just how possible it is!

1. Clarify what the actual conflict is first. Then see if there is any other reason this conflict is here: tired, low estrogen, low sugar level, whatever.
2. Stick to the issue at hand. Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived.
3. Maintain as much physical contact as possible.
4. Avoid sarcasm.
5. Avoid “you” statements. Use the words “I feel” or “I think.” No past or future predictions. For example: Wife says, “You could have called, you know. You always try my patience. You’re inconsiderate and you always will be.” A better example: “It’s not like you to be late without calling. I was worried; what happened to you?
6. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict.
7. Resolve any hurt feelings before continuing the conflict discussion.
8. Don’t resort to name calling or losing your temper. If this happens, agree to continue the discussion later.
9. Avoid power statements and actions. For example: “I quit!” “Sleep on the couch tonight.” “You’re killing me!”
10. Don’t use the silent treatment.
11. Keep your arguments as private as possible to avoid embarrassment.
12. Use the “Quick-listening Method” of communication when arguing. Repeating back each other’s words for clarification.
13. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions. Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.
14. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict.

Filed Under: Marriage, The Top Posts
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Becoming One: A Foundational Principle for a Passionate Marriage

October 18, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

Amy and I (Michael) were locked in what felt like mortal combat.  Neither was willing to give in to the other’s wish.  To make matters worse, both of us had legitimate needs and feelings we were not willing to give up.  This is where our true struggle began.

It was the fall of our third year of marriage.  We’d already survived several major arguments, and actually came out closer as friends and lovers.  But this one was different.  Before, when we argued, the resolution seemed to always make sense.  Like the time we survived the big “Money Management Fight”.  I finally understood it wasn’t “smart” financing to not tell my wife when and how much money I withdrew from that wonderful invention, the ATM machine.  Therefore our checkbook never matched the bank statement which would arrive once a month.  The checkbook not matching up to the bank statement did not bother me because my philosophy for a balanced checking account was to switch banks when things got “confused”!  However, Amy had a different opinion than mine.  The resolution to this problem was fairly obvious, KEEP THE RECEIPTS! Though the argument we were locked in now had no possible Win/Win solution, or at least it didn’t seem to have one in the beginning.

It all started one night as I returned home from my work as a marriage and family intern therapist.  I immediately sensed the mood in the room.  There was a familiar aura about it, then it struck me.  Before Amy could say anything, I knew she was pregnant.  We were going to have our second OOOPS.  You might think that after our first unplanned pregnancy we would have learned how to prevent a second, but alas, we were slow learners.

Both of us immediately panicked.  Actually, Amy had already spent the better part of the day panicked.  How could we finish school with two children?  I had one more year in my masters program, but Amy had just started her two-year program.  That meant that Amy would be pregnant during her first year, and we would have two children during her second year in the program.

We wouldn’t be able to afford to have both children in daycare, and were not truly willing to put an infant in daycare.  This meant that either Amy had to drop out of Wheaton College and attend a school closer to family in Missouri so we could both pursue our dreams, or I could take a year off from my work to stay at home full time so Amy could finish at Wheaton College.

As marriage and family therapists, we were able to recognize that both of us had legitimate needs and feelings.  I had just spent three grueling years obtaining my education and I had an intense need to use that education.  Amy had a legitimate need to finish her education at an elite program in which she had already developed many lasting friendships.  We were stuck.

I felt that she was being selfish in not wanting to move to Missouri, where we could both pursue our dreams while family and friends helped with the children.  She felt that I was being selfish in not wanting to stay at home for one year so she could finish her degree at Wheaton College.

Then one day, after two solid weeks of arguing, we reached the breaking point.  In a small bagel shop in Wheaton, Illinois, Amy and I exploded, only as therapists can explode.  There we were quietly bombarding each other with hurtful words and false accusations, making sure no one could hear us.  I finally stood up and announced, “Well fine! I have to go now and counsel couples!”  I stormed out of the restaurant and headed for the counseling clinic, where I was supposed to help couples get along better!

What happened next was nothing short of a miracle.  Before I entered the counseling room, I met with my supervisor.  I stepped into her office, definitely not in the mood to discuss anything close to therapy or helping people.  She never looked at me, but simply said, “I think we need to just meet in silence.”  So there I sat, sprawled on her couch, eyes closed, and head leaned back.  It was then the miracle occurred.

Lying there on her couch, an image entered my head so clear that I nearly reached out to touch it.  It was Christ gently laying down his left hand to be nailed to the cross.  Next came his right hand, in the same fashion he gently laid down to be hammered to his wooden cross.  It was such a powerful image that I immediately began to weep.

This was the answer to our struggle.  This was the answer to any couple’s struggle.  Laying down your life for the needs and feelings of your mate.  Christ literally went through Hell so we might have life and have it more abundantly.  I wasn’t willing to give up one year of work to spend valuable time with my children and to help my wife finish her degree at a school she loved.

If we want to have a satisfying marriage, one where the passion and excitement never end, we must be willing to sacrifice our own needs for the needs of our mate.  In other words, we need to be selfless.

When couples are entrenched in conflict, there is one major theme pervading the problem.  Neither side is willing to give up their position.  How can we have harmony when we are not willing to accept the feelings of our mate?  In order to successfully solve our marriage conflicts, we must be able to take on the perspective of our mate.  We must be focused toward enhancing the welfare of our mate.

When we are selfless, it is like a beautiful dance, where both partners glide around the room of marriage with utter ease and confidence.  But the key is that it is a couple’s dance.  There’s no room for stylish, single’s dancing.  This is meant to be a Waltz, not a Mosh Pit!  If only one spouse is concentrating on being selfless, the strategy will fail.  It takes two to tango, and two to make selflessness work in marriage.

By becoming selfless, we open the possibilities to truly experience the joy and satisfaction in our marriage God intended.  When God said, “and the two shall become one”, what do you think God meant?  My feeling is that the only way we can experience the full benefit of marriage is when we give of ourselves for the good of our mate.  This is the ultimate oneness!

So how did Amy and I resolve our dilemma?  After my clear image of what Christ did for me, it was simple. I told Amy I would do whatever it took to help her finish school at Wheaton College.  Amy was overcome with gladness, and amazingly, so was I.

We had no idea at the time how valuable my year would be as a stay-at-home father.  One of the most amazing lessons learned from our experience was that of reciprocation.  Because I was willing to put Amy’s needs ahead of mine, she intern was willing to do the same for me .  When couples act for the complete good of their mate, guess what, their mate wants to do the same.  It’s like the most infectious disease ever discovered.

God does a funny thing when we are truly selfless; God rewards us.  We know it would have been a different outcome if I was simply “giving in” to Amy just so God would reward me later.  It does not work that way.  Only when selflessness comes from a complete desire for the good of our mate, and not our own, will we reap the rewards for ourselves as well as the marriage.  The reward will be the true intimacy and passion that God intended for marriage.

Filed Under: Marriage, The Top Posts
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4 ways to protect your marriage from infidelity (powerful affair proofing)

October 18, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

“Why are you asking for a divorce?” the judge inquired.
“Because all my husband wants is to make love,” the woman said.
“Most women would be pleased!” said the judge. “They are!” the woman fired back.
“That’s why I want a divorce.”

The real tragedy of infidelity is that many marriages end in divorce. In the blink of an eye, the trust and security that was the foundation for a healthy marriage is destroyed. Sadly, it takes years of dedicated work to rebuild lost trust and security ripped away by an affair. The reason is simple. After an ice storm, have you ever attempted to walk down a frozen sidewalk? Although it’s possible, there’s always anxiety that a horrible fall might be right around the corner. What many couples fail to realize is that an absence of trust and security in a marriage is like condemning a person to live on that ice-covered sidewalk. Your mate is never truly free to relax because he or she is continually fighting to keep his or her footing.

To protect our marriages, we need to make a daily decision to have an affair-proof relationship. This protection builds trust and security–which in turn–melts the ice. Security from marital fidelity is built when we do four important things.

FOUR WAYS TO AFFAIR-PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE

1. Make a Commitment Towards Growth

First, it’s extremely important to make a commitment to keep growing in your relationship with your mate. According to my mentor, Dr. Gary Oliver, sexual temptation increases as the satisfaction in the relationship decreases. In other words, the lower the relational happiness the greater the temptation to medicate through some kind of addictive behavior (e.g., sex, alcohol, work, etc.). In order to find out what your relationship needs, ask your mate “What is something that I could do that would cause our relationship to grow?” I encourage you to begin making a list of the specific things and pick one of them to do on a weekly basis.

2. Becoming Aware of Your Choices

A damaging force working against marital fidelity is rationalization. Today’s test for honesty seems to be, “It’s okay as long as you don’t get caught,” or “It’s not that bad, every one’s doing it.” A major battle is won when we stop asking what’s wrong with certain choices, and instead, ask what’s right with them.

Every day I read a small poem above my computer. This poem has become the key for affair proofing my own marriage.

The choices we make every day,
Dictate the life we lead.
To thine own self be true!

Basically, this is same message that Luke talks about in the Scriptures. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much” (Luke 16:10). In other words, how we handle the small things dictates how we react to the bigger ones. I now start each day out by thinking about the choices I’ll make and how they can dictate my life. For example, if I spend too much time talking to a female co-worker, I need to be aware of how this can weaken my defenses or make me susceptible for an affair (emotional as well as physical).

The last part, “to thine own self be true,” simply means as Christians, we must learn what God desires for our lives and remain true to His wishes. Becoming aware of our choices leads us right into the third way to affair-proof our marriages.

3. Draw a Line and Then Stay a Safe Distance Behind It!

While doing a seminar in Hawaii, my family and I were caught in a major storm. At one point, thirty foot waves were crashing against the hotel. It felt like we were being shelled by artillery. Wanting to get close to the monstrous waves, my father and I snuck past a sign that read: Dangerous Beyond This Point! Standing near the water’s edge, a gigantic wave suddenly broke and knocked us down. As we laughed and “high-fived” each other, we were confronted by hotel security. They quickly explained that it wasn’t the waves that were the only danger. Instead, the real problem were the rocks that were jarred loose each time the waves struck the shoreline. We had difficulty believing this until we saw some of the “pebbles” that were imbedded into the side of the hotel.

The reason that the hotel placed the danger signs away from the water’s edge was to create a buffer zone. In other words, they wanted to leave room for error. This way if someone made a mistake and crossed the line, hopefully they wouldn’t be killed.

If you want to affair proof your marriage, it’s important to draw a line and then stay a safe distance behind it. For each person the safety line will be different. Some people will not be able to take business trips or work late with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Others may not be able to meet a certain person for lunch or to work-out at the gym. Whatever the situation, determine where you need to draw the line. Since everyone makes mistakes, having room before you fall over the edge can be the difference between a compromising situation and losing your marriage.

4. Become Accountable to Someone

The final piece for maintaining marital fidelity is through accountability. Accountability is simply being responsible to another person or persons for the commitments you’ve made. If you desire to affair-proof your marriage, I encourage you to ask a good friend, pastor, bible study group, or co-worker for accountability. The important ingredient is having someone to ask the difficult questions. For example, “Did you compromise your standards last week?” or “Have you been getting your emotional needs met from someone other than your mate?” Ideally, these questions force us to carefully and prayerfully consider our choices because we know that someone will be checking.

If your desire is to build a protective hedge around your marriage, or if you and your mate are recovering from the damaging effects of an affair, by making the above four things a part of your life, you can melt the ice-covered sidewalks of your relationship, where trust and security are sure to follow.

Filed Under: Marriage, The Top Posts
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Regaining your virginity

October 8, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

Over eighty percent of Christian singles have reported having sex before marriage.  Yet, 99.9% of all churches teach their singles to obstain from sex until marriage.  Virginity is a state of mind and not a physical reality. You can regain your virginity.

If you are hurting from the effects of premarital sex, there is hope.  We want to share with you seven steps to regaining and maintaining your virginity.

1. Turn to CHRIST through repentance and confession.

Making God our first love again begins with CONFESSION and REPENTANCE. The word confession in its simplest terms means “admit it” when we know we’re doing what grieves God. In other words, it’s agreeing with God that our behavior is not His best for us. Becky, in our earlier story, admitted that her life style was not pleasing to God. She also asked Christ to forgive her for sinning.

In addition to confession, REPENTANCE is necessary. Repentance means to “turn around and go the opposite direction.” This means to stop your sinful behavior and go the other direction. It’s doing a 180 degree turn. The Bible says to “Run from anything that takes us away from God’s best.”

2. Understand the CONSEQUENCES of Pre-Marital Sex.

An important part in maintaining virginity or regaining a lost virginity is by resisting further sexual involvement by sharing truthful consequences of sexual behavior.

A Few of the Consequences:

Here are some of the reasons why having pre-marital sexual involvement is harmful:

• It dulls our soul toward God and His ways.
• It lowers our self-worth by making us feel guilty or shameful.
• It reinforces our self-centeredness, strengthens our sensual focus and pulls us away from our loving focus on God and others.
• It creates a greater susceptibility to sexual diseases.
• It increases our need for greater stimulation in sexual contact, which then increases the potential for conflict in marriage.
• It can reduce our satisfaction in the marital sexual relationship because the marital relationship can not compete with the “back seat of a car.” A prominent 1996 poll conducted by the University of Chicago revealed, adults who report the highest levels of sexual satisfaction were those who preserved sexual relations until marriage.
• Couples who have had pre-marital sex have a greater chance of marital dissatisfaction and divorce.
• It increases ones chances of sexual addiction.

3. Discover WHY you had Sex so you can correct the problem.

Attempting to change a particular behavior without first understanding why we did it is very difficult. It would be like telling a chef who made a terrible dinner to simply stop cooking so bad. Unless the chef knows why the meal was so awful, he can’t correct the mistake.

It’s the same rational with premarital sex. Here are some reasons why people have sex before marriage:

• Peer-pressure.
• You believed that the person you were with would break up with you if you said, “No.”
• Your relationship with Christ was weak or nonexistent.
• You were in rebellion.
• You were curious. One study reported that 75% of teenagers say that curiosity about what sex is like was a major factor in their pre-marital sexual behavior.
• Your self-esteem was too low. When someone has a negative self-image and feels like he has very low worth, the more likely he is to be involved in sexual activity.
• You were confused about the meaning of love. A number of investigators have revealed that girls, more than boys, report being in love as the main reason for being sexually active. It seems that these girls tend to rationalize their sexual behavior by believing that they were “swept away by love.”
• Puberty arrived at a young age. In one study, early-maturing boys and girls reported more sexual activity than did late bloomers.

4. Forgive yourself by TREASURE HUNTING the Pain of the Sexual Experience.

One of the best ways to increase your self-value is to find value out of a trial. God instructs us to, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

5. Becoming AWARE OF YOUR CHOICES and build a BUFFER ZONE away from sexual temptation.

Edwin Hubbel Chapin stated the fifth way to develop purity when he said: “Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.” As you maintain or regain your virginity, it’s important to realize how every action we take leaves a lasting impact on ourselves and others. Even the smallest movement can have a major impact. This is the message you must understand if you’re trying to stay pure: Every choice you make has consequences for yourselves and others.

6. Developing a Buffer Zone

We need to learn how to keep from stepping out of play in the area of intimacy with our fiancé. As Dr. Gary Oliver notes in the book, Seven Promises of a Promise Keeper, the key is creating a new sideline—ten yards away from the original line. In other words, leave room for error. For example, if you have had sex, then you need to develop a new purity line. For some, the new line he won’t go beyond might be kissing, holding hands. For others it may be no contact, period. If the new line is kissing, then stepping ten yards back might be not kissing while lying down or no “passionate” kissing. Since everyone makes mistakes, having room before you step out of bounds can be the difference between losing a few yards and losing the game of virginity.

7. Seek out ACCOUNTABILITY.

Accountability with a trusted person is one of the most important ways to maintain or regain virginity. This person could be a family member, friend, coach, counselor or pastor. Or it might be a group of people who have made a similar commitment towards purity. Whoever provides the accountability, we have found that it greatly affects a someone’s ability to say “No” to sex before marriage.

Within an accountability relationship, the important ingredient is having that person ask the difficult questions. For example, “Did you compromise your standards on your date last night?” or “Have you been tempted sexually this week?” Ideally, these questions force us to carefully and prayerfully consider our choices because we know that someone will be checking.

Filed Under: Dating, The Top Posts
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The #1 thing women hate the most

October 1, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 1 Comment 

Guys (dramatic pause) there is something you need to know about women. We’ve researched hundreds of women asking them an important question, “What do you fear the most?”

For most guys, fear sounds like something they want nothing to do with, but it’s not that kind of fear. It’s not the kind of fear that makes you turn on the light when it’s dark or look behind your shoulder as you walk down an empty street or the fear that makes you check under the car before you step inside because you saw this really scary movie when you were too young to understand that it was fiction (not that this is an issue of mine).

The thing women hate the most is to feel disconnected. The fear is about feelings. Women (about 80%) reported that the thing they hate the most is when they feel disconnected from their mate (boyfriend, child, parents, etc.).

If the woman in your life is “nagging” you or seemingly frustrated with the relationship, you might try asking, “Are you feeling disconnected right now?” Give her the word, it’s what she fears the most. What she wants the most is to feel connected. Just by asking the question you’ve already started the work of reconnecting with the woman in your life.

If you haven’t read my post on what guys hate the most, then shame on you

Filed Under: Dating, Marriage, The Top Posts
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Things you can never say in a fight

October 1, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

Your most treasured relationships should be protected from certain statements or words.  Notice how I don’t say all of your relationships, because quite frankly, we can be cruelest to the people we love the most.  Why - because we actually care more about the people closest to us than we do about strangers.  I don’t believe this is wrong, it’s simply natural.

I would need serious medication if I kept treating total strangers like I treat my own family.  We are harder on the people we actually care about, which is why we need to put some structure on what we say and don’t say.

Following is a list of things you should not say in a fight that some of my counselors and retreat attendees at The Smalley Marriage and Family Center came up with:

• Don’t use never or always in statements (this only causes defensiveness and raises the intensity of the conflict)
• Don’t comment on the person’s appearance negatively
• Don’t bring up the past and use it against someone
• Don’t curse at each other
• Don’t mention divorce (I can not stress this one enough; you can never threaten divorce because you can never take that statement back)
• Don’t say “I hate you!”
• Don’t say “You’re just like your mother!” (in other words, try and keep extended family out of the argument)
• Don’t use “You” in blaming, intense sentences
• Don’t make personal attacks like, “You’re so lazy!” “You’re worthless!”
• Don’t turn the table on someone, in other words, you can’t say something like “Well, I’m not the only one who doesn’t clean the house…you…”
• Don’t kitchen sink (which means you can’t bring up everything the person has ever done to you.  Keep it to the here and now.)

Copy and print this list and put it somewhere so you can be reminded of how to keep your conflict as safe as possible.

Filed Under: Dating, Marriage, Parenting, The Top Posts
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The most important thing not to do on your honeymoon!

September 30, 2006 by Michael Smalley · Leave a Comment 

You’re traveling to some exotic location and beginning a lifetime journey with each other and you’ve planned for everything…well…almost everything. What is the most important thing you should not do on your honeymoon?

If you can’t answer this question, then your honeymoon could end up a total disaster (all you need to do is read Don’t Date Naked or my upcoming book More than a Match to understand why I know this so well ).

No one gave me this advice, and it really did hurt my honeymoon, my wife and I don’t even talk about our honeymoon because it was such a disaster. In fact, we paid for another trip about 8 months into our marriage just to try and put our honeymoon behind us!

The one thing you can’t do on your honeymoon is fight. Seems obvious, but please listen carefully, you will hurt each other’s feelings on your honeymoon. When your feelings get hurt, what do you do? You look at your new spouse and say exactly the following, “Honey, that hurt my feelings, but we’ll talk about this when we get back. I want to keep this trip fun.”

Stop laughing! This is the most important thing you could learn about keeping your honeymoon safe. Too many couples get into arguments on their honeymoon (like me and my wife) and end up ruining the trip. Vacations, date nights, family trips, movie night, or whatever you do for fun needs to be kept SACRED.

If you want to be satisfied, Dr. John Gottman tells us that couples who make it 20 years or longer have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive experiences to every negative experience. That is why you don’t want to wait till the big date night or trip to bring up something hurtful or something that needs to be worked on in the marriage. Plan ahead and bring that up when you can deal with it effectively and not during fun time.

Filed Under: Getting married, The Top Posts
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How do you forgive someone who won’t change

September 28, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 1 Comment 

Here’s a question I received this morning:

How do you forgive someone who continues to lie and do what they say they won’t do over and over again?

It sounds like you need someone to change in order for you to forgive them, which is the wrong approach. I believe you may be talking about reconciliation instead of forgiveness. The difference between the two? Forgiveness is for you and is not dependent on the person who hurt you to change (or to even be alive). Forgiveness is about you letting go of the hurt and bitterness and moving forward in a positive direction toward healing and recovery.

Wikipedia.org says this about forgiveness:

Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the feelings of the person who forgives, or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead).

Reconciliation is what you seem to be hinting at with your question. How do you reconcile with someone who won’t change or keeps doing hurtful things? The answer is…you don’t. Reconciliation requires both parties to make a change for the better so you can enter back into relationship with each other. You have no control over whether a relationship is reconciled because you can’t control other people. However, with this said, you may certainly have profound influence over the relationship simply by changing your own behavior for the better.

The more you are able to love well, the better your chances of the relationship succeeding are. Take care of your own ability to love and things will generally go well for you in relationships.

The best book on forgiveness that I recommend to clients is:

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2 things men hate the most

September 27, 2006 by Michael Smalley · 3 Comments 

If you’re interested in men, dating a man, or married to a man then you’d better know the two things guys hate the most.

Just so you know it doesn’t have anything to do with sex.

The two things guys hate the most in relationships are:

1. To feel like a failure
2. To feel controlled

I’m not making this up either, we’ve researched it and found that most men hate to feel like a failure or controlled when it comes to their relationships. How can you make your man feel like a failure? If any of the following statements sound familiar to you, then you’d better be careful and learn how to approach your man more productively:

• “Why can’t you spend more time with the kids?”
• “Are you ever going to come home on time?”
• “Were you born this way or did you develop into being such a jerk?”
• “Why can’t you simply understand what I’m trying to say to you?”

Are you getting the picture of what not to say? The simple truth is that if you come at your man with questions that are more like accusations, then you might be leading him to feel that he’s a failure.  Most men, when they feel like a failure, will withdrawal from the relationship.

What does it sound like to be controlling?

• “You need to be home more so you can spend more time with the family!”
• “Put on your seatbelt!”
• “You should…!”
• “You will…!”

Get the picture of controlling? If you come at your man with strong statements that don’t seem to have any room for his opinion, then you’re going to tap into his fear of control.  Most men, when they feel controlled, will avoid the relationship.

In both cases you’ll lose the desire from your man to be in relationship with you.  No one wins when that happens.

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