How can I teach my daughter the power of purity and modesty when sex is treated so casually?

Q: How can I teach my daughter the power of purity and modesty when sex is treated so casually?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer
More from Michael and Amy Smalley

My boyfriend has had sex, but I am still a virgin - what should I do?

Q: My boyfriend has had sex, but I am still a virgin. I’m really interested in him, but I’d like to marry a man who’s a virgin, too. What should I do? Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer

I got pregnant and my husband is angry - what can I do?

Q: I got pregnant and my husband is angry. He insists it’s my fault because I didn’t take my birth control. I took it, what do I do to communicate this to my husband so he’ll believe me? Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer

How can I stop myself from having random sex with men?

Q: I have a habit of going out and drinking too much. When I do this, I take random guys home and have sex with them. How do I stop this behavior? Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer

My husband simply doesn’t want me in his life anymore - what do I do?

Q: My husband simply doesn’t want me in his life anymore. After a year of counseling he’s decided to divorce me. Should I do more to try to save our marriage?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer More from Michael and Amy Smalley

My mother-in-law is overbearing and disrespectiful - how can my husband help?

Q: My mother-in-law is overbearing and disrespectful. How can I get my husband to help with the situation?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer
More from Michael and Amy Smalley

Is it OK to pray with my boyfriend?

The question:

Is it okay to pray together with your boyfriend? I have heard some say that praying together needs to be reserved for when you are married because it is so intimate. I don’t think I agree with that. I think everyone who is in a relationship should pray together. What do you think?

The answer:

I certainly do not struggle with a boyfriend and girlfriend praying together, however, what you’ve heard from other people about becoming more intimate with each other is true. If you are going to pray together, then you need to be aware of the unintended consequences of praying together. With intimacy comes a desire to grow even closer, and this usually means sexual activity. It might sound extreme, but it is a reality. I’ve counseled well intentioned Christians who struggled with sexual intimacy because of praying together.

Just don’t be naive and make sure you keep the relationship healthy and honoring God. I would never discourage a dating couple to pray together, it is important to be on the same page spiritually, and what better way to connect spiritually than praying together.

How do my boyfriend and I keep from having sex?

The question:

I have been dating a great man for just over 6 mos. On our first date he told me of his limits and I agreed. We have not had sex. We both have a history of having sex with our S.O.s. Realizing our mistakes in life and striving for a better life and future, we opted to live with Christian beliefs. How can we be together with the brakes on? We find it hard not to fall into old habits. He tells me he finds it hard to be together without having the desire. Any tips for keeping our dates on the PG level?

The answer:

Thank you for this question and thank you for your desire to keep the relationship healthy. Not everyone is willing to keep this kind of commitment with their boyfriend or girlfriend in today’s society. So you are to be commended!

If you truly want to keep the relationship from becoming sexually active, there are several things you need to keep in mind. The first thing you already accomplished! Always date someone with the same moral desire, if you don’t, then there is no way you will keep from having sex. So good job on the first thing. The second is just as important as the first, but a little more difficult to honor. I don’t know how old the two of you are, but if you are serious about saving sex for marriage, then you will not want to spend significant alone time together at night where there is a greater and easier opportunity for sex. Late night movies in the basement or bedroom are not a good idea. It is natural to want each other sexually, you are fighting against biology - the way God designed us. Third, create an accountability group for yourselves. A group of people who believe in saving sex for marriage. This group of people will help you when the strength to fight your biology is weakest. If you do not get into an accountability group, then I do not believe you can make it. We need the strength and support of people we do not want to let down to help us keep our commitments.

Am I allowed to have different hobbies and interests than my husband?

The question:

How can I explain to my spouse that just because we are married and love each other does not mean that we can’t or shouldn’t have interests that do not necessarily involve the other (they could, but just don’t.) Any time I develop an interest in something that takes any time away from him or our kids, he starts to feel like I am neglecting him to extremes. And it does not matter if I only spend an hour a day doing that thing. Any advice?

The answer:

Your spouse is complaining about your interests and the fact they take time away from him and the kids, but that is not what he is really complaining about (click on “that” to read more about what he is really complaining about).

You need to download the core fears list from the article I linked to in the previous paragraph. The words listed on that sheet are what he is complaining about. Until you are able to validate a “fear” or the underlying emotion of your husband, then you two will be in conflict over your hobbies.

Now, about you having separate hobbies and interests. That is totally and completely healthy! There is not problem in the two of you having different interests, in fact, it is important so you can keep your love alive.

But if your spouse, husband, is complaining about your hobbies or interests, then like I said in the first paragraph, first find out what he is really complaining about, then validate those feelings. Once you validate the feelings, he will probably not have such an issue with them.

However, if you are out of balance when it comes to your “alone” time, you need to back off and spend less time with whatever it is that is taking you away from your family. If the two of you do not see eye to eye on this matter, then go ask a friend or relative what he (she) thinks. Get an outside opinion, who knows, they might have a different take on the matter which will help you and your husband resolve this conflict in a healthy and supportive way.

How can I fix my hurting marriage?

The question:

It appears that my spouse and me have been at each other for the last four and half years of our marriage. My spouse and I are both Christians and are in the ministry. However, we messed up in the beginning because we committed fornication and that forced us to get married earlier than we should have. It has been a problem ever since. I knew better but i just gave up hope during that season of my life. I don’t know what to do. I stay because I have a daughter and we have a church. Do you have any advice?

The answer:

I’m actually writing a currently titled A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage. The concept of the book is personal responsibility and how this one love skill can change everything in your marriage - and for the better! The basic idea of personal responsibility is that we need to stop blaming our spouse for our hurting marriage. The more we focus on our spouse and what he or she is not doing, the worse our marriage will be.

I want to encourage you to take the focus off your husband and off the rough start of your marriage. You can’t change anything about how you two got married, but you can make a choice to change how you are interacting with each other today. I’m thrilled you are staying in the marriage, even if you think it is only because of your daughter. That is the right decision. Trust me when I say that divorce is horribly worse than an unsatisfying marriage. The consequences for your daughter are not worth splitting up. Research is perfectly clear on this matter.

I hear you when you tell me your marriage got off to a rough start because you were having sex with each other before the wedding day. I’m not sure if you got pregnant before you got married, but if that is the case, then everything you are going through is normal. It is difficult to start a marriage under those circumstances. But now you are married and I challenge you to focus on the ways you can change.

You might be surprised how this impacts your marriage - besides - you can never lose when you do the right thing. The right thing is to focus on God and ask Him where you are weakest in the marriage and then to work on those areas.

How can I get my boyfriend to forgive my past?

The question:

I’ve met the perfect guy in my life. But whenever we talk about my past mistakes, which I’ve made a lot of them and I do wish I could go back and change it, I can’t. He sometimes likes to throw my past up in my face and he’s made the same mistakes too, just not as many. How can I get him to understand that I know what I did done was wrong and for him to forgive me and move forward?

The answer:

Dear unforgiven, first let me say that I’m saddened your boyfriend has been pointing the finger at your past mistakes and ignoring his own. Secondly, and I hate to say this, but you can not make him forgive you. Forgiveness will be on his shoulders and not yours. You can certainly move toward reconciliation by asking him what he would need from you to move past your past, but I don’t like it. Something makes me nervous about a boyfriend who shames his girlfriend about her past.

I talked to my wife about your question, and we both agreed that the most likely reason for your boyfriend pointing out all of your past mistakes is simply that he feels guilty about his own. He has probably avoided his own forgiveness and hates to see himself through knowing your past. Typically, when someone refuses to “move past” someone’s mistakes in life, they have their own unresolved issues.

You do not need him to forgive you to be happy. Frankly, if he does not forgive you then I will share the advice of my eight-year old daughter Reagan. She overheard us discussing the question (no mention of your name ) and promptly responded, “Or… she could just dump him!”

Now that might not be what you want to read, but it is true. There is absolutely no reason to stay with someone who is unforgiving when you are simply dating. I can not stress this enough. God may be handing you a gigantic gift in seeing this guy’s heart, and an unforgiving heart is an ugly thing.

You do not have to keep defending or apologizing for your past. God sees you as completely and totally clean in His eyes because of the gift Christ gave us through His death. Your boyfriend needs to see you this same way, because he is no better than you.

An excellent response to the ridiculousness of cohabitation…Did I just say that cohabitation is ridiculous?

Thank you John for your thoughtful response to Amy’s (not my wife, but a reader) comment on cohabitation. I love the debate and wanted to highlight it for all the readers to enjoy:

In response to Amy:

Study after study has shown that cohabitation is related to relationship instability.

Children born under cohabitating circumstances are more likely to be victims of abuse. There’s higher indicdences of depression, abuse, and instability.

Marriages that are a result of cohabitation are less stable.

http://www.mafamily.org/Cohabitation.htm

Yes, correlation does not equal causation, but why is it that there has not been any significant study that has shown any benefit to cohabtitation? If cohabitation was such a great thing, why are there so many negatives seemingly associated with it, yet not really one positive?

Marriages that occur after cohabitation result in a higher rate of divorce. Kids are more likely to be victimized in cohabitating scenarios.

So basically, cohabitation offers no real benefits according to current research AND has not been shown to offer any positive factors on a relationship.

Fantastic.

People need to quit living in this dream world.

You can read the article and comments here.

How to survive the miserable times with your spouse: a readers perspective

I had to share this comment by one of the brilliant readers of the blog:

Thank you for addressing this issue. I just wanted to say that for my own marriage of 20 years, I have stayed through the miserable times because the “smooth-over” and “make-up” times really do make me forget how rough it had been just a few days or weeks or months before. I considered the idea that I may be “co-dependent”, but I don’t think that’s the case for me. I needed to recognize that my spouse mirrors and reflects my moods (although he seems louder than me!) When I am feeling unappreciated, I can bet he is too. The trick is to be the giver at that moment. That has been so hard to learn and to practice. I have a ways to go yet. Thank you for your work, it has been very helpful!

What a great response and I can clearly tell you’ve been on a mature spiritual journey that has taken you to a very good place!

Why you won’t leave a miserable spouse

She has lived with her abusive husband for over 38 years, her parents and siblings have told her to leave, a Christian counselor has told her to leave, yet she still wants to know if she should stay in the marriage. Why do women stay in abusive relationships? Listen to find out!

What is hedonism

The question:

Please explain to me in writing , what is a hedonist and what does he really do? It also leads to affairs. I believe my husband is a hedonist, he denies this when I catch him with wandering eyes - and he did have an affair with a co worker. Please print it out, I’m Deaf and my husband is hearing and I need proof. Please help me out.

The answer:

Your question is slightly complicated, but basically, a hedonist, I believe, in the form you’re suggesting, would be someone who is searching for sexual pleasure. Someone who is out of balance in their need to seek sexual pleasure (i.e. his wandering eyes and the affair). Typically someone who is a hedonist would also be highly self-centered as well.

A hedonist would typically struggle with lusting in his mind toward other women or frequently “undressing” them with his eyes and using his imagination to act out sexual fantasies. His life is all about fulfilling his sexual pleasures and nothing more and this would cause a great deal of conflict in your marriage.

The hedonism would be wrong and unfair, but you would not be the one to confront him or get him to change. Your job would be to simply share your feelings about how his hedonism affects your life and then ask him to join you in your counseling journey. If he says no, then you need to understand that your job is not to change your spouse, that is God’s duty. Your job is to share your feelings and needs, and then take care of yourself and focus on what god wants to do in your own life and work on that.

If your husband refuses to cut off his affair or continues to have affairs, that is totally and completely unacceptable and you need to hold him accountable for his actions. I hope this helps you out.

Resources to get if your husband isn’t interested in sex

The question:

Finally, I am starting to hear I am not alone. I am not the only woman with strong desires and need for sex, living with a husband that cares alot less about it. It is frustrating and hurtful. The rejection is very hard to handle.

Are there any books or resources that can help?

The answer:

I’m thrilled to see the blog is helping you realize that you’re not alone. This is important when it comes to emotional well-being. You have no idea (actually you do since you clearly stated that in your question) how freeing it for someone to hear that they are not alone in their suffering.

Normalization is why I feel so strongly about small groups. Wives and husbands find out, sometimes for the first time, that their spouses aren’t the only ones who clean before the cleaning ladies come or who yell at the TV referee during games.

But you want resources, so I’ll give you resources:

• The Secret to Sexual Intimacy DVD - this is a special DVD my wife and I filmed for couples and it comes with a printable workbook that has everything you need to get your sex life back on track.
• Sheet Music - by Kevin leman

These two would be an excellent start to your library.  If the problem is too intense, then I would recommend a one-day Marriage Restoration Intensive because books or DVD’s aren’t going to help an issue that is routed in deep woundedness.

Why can’t following God eliminate our Core Relational Fears?

The Question:

I’m an Indonesian and live in Indonesia.

Just want to ask one question: why does following God not destroy our core fear? What is wrong with our way in following God?

I think this is an important question we should answer, since man faithful Christians also suffer bad relationships in their life (I experienced it once and getting better now, and I know many who experienced it and still have problems with it).

Please help answering this question.

Thank you.

The Answer:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful, and probably very brave question. Rarely does a Christian ask such a vital and honest question of God, and of others, and I’m so thankful you did.

I believe the answer you might be looking for is not a simple one, I wish it were, but it is not. Because what you are dealing with is the issue of sin. While living on this earth, there is no freedom, from my understanding, of the issue of sin. We are born into sin, live in sin, and die because of sin. Thanks be to Christ that, if we put our faith in Him, when we die, we are saved and can experience eternal life. But that does not mean we can eliminate the hurt and muck we got ourselves into once sin entered into this world.

Now, it’s not that God can’t eliminate our Core Relational Fears, God can do anything, but we live under the consequences of our choices, and some of those consequences are the CRF’s.

But here’s the best news of all! If you want satisfying relationships, it’s not about eliminating CRF’s, it’s about changing how you respond when your CRF’s are pushed! If you are feeling rejected, controlled, like a failure, stupid, inferior, helpless, unworthy, etc., and you respond by being judgmental, critical, unforgiving, impatient, unkind, or by lashing out then you are not going to be happy in your relationships.

However, if you respond differently, when your CRF’s are pushed or revealed, like being kind, patient, merciful, gracious, emotionally mature, and communicate well. Then your relationships will not be victims of your CRF’s but rather you will learn how to cope with your CRF’s in a far more healthy manner that actually leads you to a better relationship as opposed to a more distant relationship.

Back to your original question When you follow God, the strength to respond differently to our CRF’s comes from Him! Prayer, a community of faith, and actively pursuing a life like Christ are all excellent ways to learn how to respond to our CRF’s in a more Christlike manner.

How you define an affair

The question:

I have listened to this and I especially appreciate you defining emotional abuse. Now I ask that you define affair. I am the believer in my home, my husband who does not believe uses 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 to justify his actions. I try to forgive and forget and then I find out he is maintaining relationships, friendships and contact with past lovers and meeting new women, sending cards, making calls, and I am almost certain one of them visits our city to see him. How does this apply when dealing with an unbeliever? He is in the world and he is doing what people in the world do, lie, cheat and whore around. How do I as a believer deal with this madness?

The verse for those of you who want to know:

And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband[a] brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. (1 Corinthians 7:13-14)

The answer:

First let me help you understand something very much, God loves both you and your husband very much, but he certainly hates sin! We can never just pick and choose verses at our liking and use them out of context, especially to foster sinful behavior. It dishonors the Bible, God, others, and ourselves! I cannot be plainer about this point!

My blood boils when people use the Bible to further their own selfish wants and desires and I’m truly sorry your husband somehow found this obscure verse and has used it to “keep you in check”.

It is totally and completely unacceptable for him to maintain romantic elationships with other women outside of your marriage. Of course I do not have both of you sitting in front of me, and I am not hearing his side of the story, but if what you are telling me is true, I would give him 7 to 14 days to cut these relationship off compeletely and repent for what he has done and to start the process of reconciliation with you (If you are willing to do so, which I would highly recommend, especially if there are children involved.)

An affair is defined in two basic ways, in my opinion:

1. An emotional affair
2. A physical affair

An emotional affair is when your spouse is overly sharing feelings with someone of the opposite sex and connecting inappropriately on an emotional level, and frankly, to spite emotionally connecting with you. Emotional affairs usually begin because your spouse feels disconnected from you or is injured emotionally and does not feel safe and thus has a strong need to connect with someone else and begins to share with that someone intimate details of your relationship. This typically leads to a physical affair.

A physical affair is obvious; you have sexual relations, which we will not go to former president Clinton for help in defining what that means!

Is oral sex Ok in a Christian marriage?

I just received this question and it jumped right off the page at me!

We have just ordered over $400 worth of books, workbooks, cd’s and dvd’s from you and your family……..we are desperate……I just have to ask one question………I have to have an answer to this question before I can get past some issues……….it is this………..

“Is oral sex something that is OK with the Lord, and, is it ok to dress up in a little nurse costume, or such.

I know this sounds so crazy, but I am about to go out of my mind needing to know the answers to this question! We have two boys coming up and I want them to have the best life possible in the Lord………these questions are just not talked about enough!

Thank you for your time and answer. May God richly bless you and all of your family!

You won’t want to miss my next podcast answer! Click here to listen.

Am I the only wife who has a need for sex?

The issue:

I also am in the category of women who feel they NEED sex and I have a husband who doesn’t seem to, or at least not very often. And I have often felt like I’m the only wife who has this problem. There certainly aren’t any books out there that address the issue this way. Maybe the Smalley’s could look into it… (read this comment and others)

The answer:

First off let me say that you are most certainly not the only wife out there with these feelings, and I consistently get this issue in the counseling room. I’d say I get almost just as many wives complaining about sex as men in the counseling room, in terms of “not enough sex!” You do not need to feel alone in this, I imagine you do, because society has taught women (especially Christian women, which I’m making an assumption with you on this one) that good Christian women do not want nor discuss sex - and this is a tragedy.

My wife and I are addressing this issue, and we’ve started to with our DVD on sexual intimacy, it’s not an in-depth look into your specific issue, but what I like about our DVD titled, The Secret to Sexual Intimacy, is that it is not a prude’s guide to sexual intimacy! We give all sorts of fun and interesting tips for couples to help them add energy and “newness” to their sexual life together (entirely appropriate and no dirty images of any kind!).

We are working on a new marriage book that would address sexual intimacy more in-depth and we would address specifically what you are struggling with specifically. It is a big topic, but more importantly, you will want to know why your husband is not interested in sex as much as you are. It sounds like you’re frustrated, so make sure that you have the communication skills necessary to share your feelings around this issue as to not create more fear, frustration, or hurt for your husband (and yourself).

If you find that you can not resolve this by yourselves, then you need to simply find a pastor or counselor to help, you can always try our marriage and family center her in The Woodlands, Texas for a one-day marriage restoration intensive.

My next bit of advice would be to make sure your husband doesn’t have anything biological going on, that is the first question I ask any client going through sexual intimacy issues. You always want to rule out biology before you move into psychology or emotional issues. His testosterone level might be too low or other physiological issues might be at hand that are easily solvable.

Should I get married if he still seems attached to someone else

The question:

We’re going to be getting married, so what do you do with a guy who won’t throw out his old girlfriend and kids’ pictures? He says they’re too nice to throw away. He’s emotionally attached to the kids because he never had any of his own. He’s not in their life any more, hasn’t been for years, but she likes to send pictures to his siblings to stir up trouble for us, because she knows it will get to him.

The answer:

I’m going to make sure and ask you the most important question of all, have you two received any REAL premarital counseling yet?  When I write, REAL, I mean from someone trained in a program like PREPARE or from a professional counselor who does premarital counseling for a living.

Getting premarital counseling from your friend, parent, or pastor who met with you for an hour and asked you two if you love each other does not count.  If you haven’t met with someone like I described in the previous paragraph, then you are not ready to get married and I would suggest you postpone your wedding day until you get at least 8 hours in, and if you want, you can get a whole day with me, or one of my trained counselors or life coaches at my center at one of our one-day premarriage intensives.

I bring this up because of your question; it brings up some serious questions for me.  I don’t like the amount of attachment your boyfriend has with his former girlfriend and her children.  Something doesn’t sit right with me and what your describing and I would explore that in depth through premarital counseling, if it were me

Now, since you asked the question, and this is a blog, I’ll give you a quick reply.  Ask yourself, could you live with that kind of behavior for the rest of your life?  If you answer yes, then don’t worry about it, if you answer no, then worry about it.  Never marry anyone hoping they will change after the wedding.  That is the best advice you’ll ever get before the wedding.

Couples who pray together stay together

I had to post this recent comment to make sure Nicole knows how much I appreciate her, and to let the rest of you know that I’m reading your comments personally and responding to your questions. I truly desire this blog to be a support to everyone who reads it or participates in it as a commenter, reader, or writer.

I didn’t realize how long it’d been since I visited your blog but was thrilled to see this response to my comment last week! In fact, my husband and I set up a date night to discuss what you’d shared. I even teased him that Michael Smalley knows my name! (We’re both Smalley junkies.) Anyhow, thank you! I realized (and shared with my DH) how BLESSED I am to have a husband who wants to pray with me and we’ve been working on putting your suggestions to action. It’s fabulous! Thank you for being so encouraging, realistic (we were both relieved to see we didn’t have to commit to rising at 5 AM to pray together!!) and REAL.

Thanks again Nicole for your kind (probably too kind) words. Keep up the prayer and know that any positive and fun thing you do as a couple is a good thing .

You need to simplify to magnify your love for each other

A couple who attended one of our live events has recently posted this question:

My husband and I were doing great after the seminar; however, recently, we have been fighting over petty things. My husband is under a lot of stress due to working full-time, taking classes to become a deacon, and preaching every Sunday at his church, due to the pastor leaving. He has been very short with the family, including my daughter, his step-daughter. He is still having difficulties bonding with her. Please give me any suggestions that can help us. The welfare of my children is very important to me and I am concerned with our recent arguments because he has placed blame on her. After the fact, he realizes it was a mistake, but I don’t want it to happen again. I have a lot of fault also. I allow him to get me to the escalating point and then I say the wrong things. I know I should take a time out when he starts hitting my buttons, but then he continues and then I get out of control. Please give us suggestions because we do love each other very much. We just don’t know how to fix it. Thank you so much. You both were an inspiration to us.

Here’s the best advice I’m going to give this couple (more specifically the husband). You can know all the relationship advice stuff on the planet, but if you don’t have enough time to do any of it, then it can’t help you.

The greatest thing you could do for your family is simplify immediately. Stop at least one major thing you’re doing and say, “My family is more important than…(the deacon thing, the school thing, the preaching thing.”

None of those activities are more important than family and it sounds like they are getting in the way of your family getting along and are adding unnecessary stress. It’s hard to be well when you are not taking care of yourself. If you have nothing in the tank, you can’t give anything.

As for the stepdaughter, he needs to get very serious about making her a priority and a friend. His first job is to take her out to dinner and own up to his mistakes as a stepdad and say something like, “I’ve not done the best job in being a very loving stepdad, and I want to ask your forgiveness.” Then he needs to listen to anything she might need to say. After that he can simply ask something like, “What can I do from this day forward to let you know how valuable you are to me?”

Here’s the deal, I know the wife sent me the email, so I will encourage you not to go to your husband and say, “See, I told you this is all your fault. Michael Smalley said that YOU need to change all of your ways and that YOUR destroying this family!”

Just by the sound of your question, I’m fairly confident you wouldn’t have done this, I’m really writing this for the other wives who were getting tempted to do it. But seriously, be soft and know that your husband is probably trying to do his best, but it sounds like he’s gotten caught up in the trap of “doing” God’s work when really God’s work is sitting right in front of him at home.

Should my boyfriend and I pray more together: Part 2

Keep those comments coming in, I love to respond to your questions and thoughts. A reader posted this comment earlier today:

Interesting. I’m familiar with the issue - to a slightly lesser extent, I took the initiative the first time and suggested it now and then, left it, mentioned it once, and let him initiate it (somehow that was important), it doesn’t perhaps happen quite as often as I’d like it to (how much that is I’m not fully sure myself and I do sometimes get caught in ideals) but it’s getting there. Encourage a little, take some initiative and then let him step up, he will. Pray about it too (you can read the post she is commenting on here)

One of the hardest things in life to learn is to let people go, and I’m not talking about letting them go off the side of a cliff, but rather, letting them go in terms of change. I just spent two full days meeting with couples in crisis doing my one-day marriage restoration intensives (I did them for the first time with my dad, he’s never done one with me, so I let him experience them, and he loved it, and actually, I loved doing them with him. I actually thought he and I would have some sort of melt down with each other, but we were a good team…it was a great experience for us and hopefully the couples ).

One of the biggest issues for both couples was the fact that neither of them would allow the other spouse to simply be, and what I mean is, sometimes we spend more energy trying to get the other person to change than actually working on the things we need to change.

The best advice I could give you about praying with your boyfriend is to relax, don’t make it a big issue. If he is not a prayer warrior, and you’re looking for a prayer warrior, then I’d suggest that you break off the relationship and find a prayer warrior. Find a man who wants to pray just as much as you do. Do not continue dating a man who you think will get better one day with prayer, you have to assume that he will never get better than what he is at this moment. If you do, then you could be in big trouble.

An important discussion on love: a reader engages in good debate

One of crashintolove.com’s readers has posted a thoughtful response to my latest post on love and I wanted to take the time to really respond to his comment:

Great article Michael, and I don’t think it’s that simple. True, MLK is more celebrated than someone such as Malcolm X, but the real dichotomy there is a passive vs assertive response. MLK chose the more passive response while Malcolm X chose the more assertive. Some have called this dichotomy feminine vs masculine (feminine being the passive response).

And yes, for some reason, in the last half century, the passive response has been more celebrated that the assertive.

I think, however, that we should not look at who is the most celebrated of the two, but instead, look at who achieved results. And the answer is they both achieved results.

I think that within the black community, Malcolm X is as much a hero as MLK. They both achieved something for the cause of human rights, albeit their methods were diametrically opposed to each other. One chose peace, the other, non-peace.

And in the end, they both died for the cause. So, laying down your life for others shows up in different ways.

I suppose, as it relates to this particular young man you counseled, the real question is what is his purpose and how is he best equipped to pursue that purpose; in an assertive or passive manner?

Service for it’s own sake is fine, but service in response to a higher purpose is the real meat and potatoes. The only question is what is that higher purpose?

Both MLK and Malcolm X made it their purpose to expand the reach of equality to include all people. And, if I’m not mistaken, that’s pretty much what Jesus did (although he may not have framed it that way).

Methods aside, is achieving one’s purpose not the grander pursuit?

I rather believe this is anything but passive, but rather the most powerful and aggressive thing we can do to get movement in any relationship (especially a hurting relationship).  What is easier for any person to do?  Go with our instinct an strike out at someone in anger (which is our natural instinct) or to withhold that anger and do the total opposite and respond in love and turn the other cheek?  I believe it takes far more strength, power, self control, and more to do peace than it does to do violence or aggression.

Also, here’s another issue with taking out aggression, it never ends.  The cycle of violence never stops.  Anger feeds anger.  Violence feeds violence.  In the end, Malcolm X’s methods never would have brought about the needs of the black people, peace, civil rights, respect, etc.

Now, I’m not an idiot, I know that one party can dominate another and take it over and demand these things, but that never lasts.  All we have to do is look at the Middle East and see a living example of my point.

The Middle East’s philosophy is an eye for an eye.  For thousands of years they have taught this philosophy and they continue to slaughter each other.  Take a look at what Nelson Mandela did for South Africa.  That could have been a total disaster (and I’m not saying they don’t have problems, but it could have been far worse), but after decades of mistreatment, abuse, and imprisonment, he chose reconciliation and forgiveness as his “weapons” and it took him all the way to the presidency.Methods do make a major difference, especially in relationships, and life is about relationships.  If I take a Malcolm X approach to my wife or my children, an aggressive approach or masculine approach, I will lose every time.  Anger feeds anger.  Rage feeds rage.  Hate feeds hate.

Love feeds love.  Peace feeds peace.  Patience feeds patience.  Mercy feeds mercy.  Kindness feeds kindness.  These are the things that heal relationships and build bridges where hurt has broken and torn people apart.

I’m certainly not a pacifist, if I see someone getting physically hurt by someone else, I will run and intervene every time.  But when it comes to relationships, love is all we have

How to pray as a couple

In my recent post on how to pray, I gave some easy guidelines on how you might approach prayer as a discipline.  Nicole left a comment asking how she could pray better with her husband.  This makes me very happy ;-)  Thanks for making me happy Nicole, and then inspiring me to write at 5:30 a.m. in the morning (I now have to admit that I have a blogging problem).

If you want to pray together as a couple, there are several important things you need to keep in mind.  First, read my post on prayer.  You want to make sure you understand the basic principles of good praying before you tackle praying together.  If your fundamentals are off individually, then they’ll be off as a couple as well.  Secondly, make sure your spouse wants to pray with you.

If your spouse is not at the same place as you spiritually, then don’t press the issue, you’ll only make things worse.  You’ll become a major stumbling block to your spouse spiritually. Is it good to pray together as a couple?  Yes.  Is it the end of the world if you don’t pray together as a couple?  No.

Christ wants you.  Christ wants your spouse.  Christ would love to have both of you praying together, but that does not give you cart blanche to ridicule your spouse for not wanting to pray with you, and in fact, that probably should clue you in to why your spouse doesn’t want to pray with you in the first place.  Be kind.  Be gracious.  Be patient.  Be merciful.

These are the kinds of attitudes that will attract your spouse, and in fact pull your spouse closer to Christ.  Nagging, bullying, bothering, pestering, bossing, condemning, or judging will only drive your spouse further away.

If you and your spouse do desire to pray together, here are some easy things to help foster a healthy prayer life together:

• Keep it short and simple: don’t feel the urge to spend a vast amount of time in prayer, it is unrealistic because of time and kids.
• Don’t worry about the Jones’: your prayer life together is going to be unique to you as a couple and does not have to look like any other couple.  If you set up a high expectation like, “let’s pray every morning at 5:00 a.m.”, then you’ll probably fail and get discouraged.  Be realistic with your prayer life and allow yourselves to pray together when it comes naturally during the week.
• Instead of complaining to each other about something try praying about it.  Use your need to complain as a trigger to pray together, not every time, but give it a try and see what happens.
• Don’t tell each other how to pray or evaluate each other’s prayer life.  Stick to yourself and take personal responsibility for your own prayer walk and be gracious toward one another in your prayer time.  If you don’t, then your spouse will not be encouraged to pray with you.

Why young girls get into dumb relationships

Question:

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months. She had some trust issues with me that became too much of a burden on our relationship, so I had to end it. Recently I found out that she met someone new. I was glad that she had moved on (she took the break up pretty bad). However, I also learned that she has moved in with this guy in a house with a few other roommates. They share a bedroom. I was shocked that she began cohabitating after only 3 weeks of dating this person. To me this relationship has disaster written  all over it. Do you have any experience or knowledge on “immediate cohabitation”. I am worried she will go through a lot of stress again, but all I can do is wish her the best.

Answer:

I’m not familiar with the term “immediate cohabitation”, but I can certainly affirm your belief that her relationship will be a disaster.  What’s sad is that she is clearly coping with a core relational fear in a very unproductive way.  Your ex-girlfriend is feeling something like rejected, invalidated, defective, ignored, devalued, disconnected, etc. and she must be thinking that if she could only “be” with some man that he could meet this need of hers.  The only problem is that her strategy is not going to meet her very legitimate need.

Now, please hear me when I say this, it is not your responsibility to let her know how destructive her behavior is, unless of course, she comes right up to you and actually asks, “What is wrong with my life?  Please give me your advice!”  Then, and only then can we offer someone of the same age or older our advice .

Your question has now got me thinking on a much broader sense.  Why do young women get into dumb relationships? The answer might be more complicated than I’m going to make it, but maybe it’s not.  I want to propose that most of the young ladies I’ve helped over the years who’ve had one bad relationship after another are dealing with wounds on their hearts they’ve allowed to fester from their fathers (sometimes from their mothers), but usually mostly from their fathers.  Wounds of self-worth, rejection, disconnection, and defectiveness seem to be the major sources of hurt, but there are others.

The longer a young woman denies the source of their hurt the more dumb relationships she will find herself in.  It’s a rather simple formula.

Will premarital sex destroy my future marriage?

The question:

My small group youth leader past “don’t date naked” to me and I have enjoyed it thus far. I have two questions. One, how do I interpret the personality test. The second is more personal and regretful.

I have been claiming to be a Christian all my life but never walked strait down that path. I have preformed pre-marital sex. I was not at the time but am very regretful now about this. Obviously I can not do anything about this now but how do you think my relationship with my future Christian wife will handle this news? I have been praying and asking God to direct me towards a Godly woman, I’m just afraid of her reaction. I want to thank the both of you for what you are doing and wish you the best. God Bless.

The answer:

The answer to your first question can be found online shortly, as soon as I upload the results, which should be in a couple of days, so I’ll keep you posted on that front

The answer to your second question is not as complicated as you might fear. I can feel your pain. I have regrets in my life, skeletons in my closet, things I have done in my life that I wish I had done differently, it’s called sin and I wish it wasn’t a part of my life, but it is and it will be until I die.

Did you know that almost 88% of evangelical Christian people surveyed at my seminars admitted to having sex before marriage? You are not alone. I was a virgin when I got married, but I was a minority. The chances of you marrying a woman who hasn’t had sex is going to be much slimmer than you marrying a woman who’s already had sex.

I know that some readers are starting to get upset with me right about now, but I want you to hang in there with me. I’m not condoning premarital sex. I’m not. It’s not a wise decision. But we can’t be naive and just close our eyes and cover our ears and pretend that young adults are not having sex, that simply isn’t true. They are, the vast majority are having sex and we’d better figure out what to do about it. Whatever we are teaching in Sunday school, and the school system, is not working, not even close.

You said something in your question that is really bothering me, though, “I’ve been claiming to be a Christian all my life…” You can not live your life through the acts of your sin but rather through the grace God has give you by the act of Christ dying on the cross for your sin.

My friend, you are forgiven, end of story, you are not a fake, a phony, or anything less because you’ve messed up, and in fact, you’re going to mess up again and again as a husband, father, employee, and boss. What God wants from you is a heart that is recognizes it is broken and a heart that gives access to Christ for healing and restoration.

Rest easy and know that when the day comes and you meet that special someone, like my wife did (at least I hope she still feels that way ). If this woman truly knows Christ, she won’t be concerned about the condition of your past, she’ll be concerned about the condition of your heart.

How do I tell a girl I like her?

The question:

Dear Mike and Amy,

I recently read your book “Don’t Date Naked” because I had a secret crush on a girl named Kerri (name changed for privacy) for about 4 months. I hope I could find some kinds of clues on what should or should not I do about this.

We have been friends for over a year and a half since we were introduced by our common friend named John. Kerri and I, both Christian, have only hung out twice by ourselves while the other times our other friends also present. I guess she does not know that I have a crush on her because I have never told her about my feeling for her.

The first problem I have is she earns a higher salary than me because my working experience gained from Canada does not really fit American job market.

The second problem is I do not want to ruin our friendship.

The third problem is I do all sorts of things for her with ulterior motives? I know I’m acting like a friend that I’m not. I know I should not do this. So for the past month, I have been avoiding some get-together and even I attended those gatherings, I purposefully avoided any conversation with her.

The question is should I tell her how I feel about her? If yes, how?

I hope you could give me some hints on how to handle this situation.

Thanks.

The answer:

Yes. You should always be honest with people on how you feel. That is the best policy. Now, don’t be surprised if she doesn’t react the way you want her to react. Because you’re right, you haven’t been doing the right thing and have had some ulterior motives, and that could come back and bite you in the buttocks, if you know what I mean. But it’s worth the effort. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t give it a try. And besides, if this girl is looking for the perfect person, then she’ll be looking a long time. At least your ulterior motives were because you really like her but just didn’t know how to approach her.

Now, on to the how part of your question. This is the hard part of life, isn’t it. You’re obviously shy, at least that is my guess, and believe me, I can relate to that! I could barely breathe when I was around a woman that I liked. I was so bad that when I fell in love with my eventual wife that I would rather become a male cheerleader than simply ask her out on a date! But that’s a long story that you already got an idea about in the book

I wish I had you in my office in The Woodlands right now so I could be face to face with you, but since that is not possible, my best advice would be to take her to dinner, go for it, there are times in your life that you have to man up and just do it. This is one of those times. Don’t over analyze the situation and think of every possible thing that could happen, the question you are fearing is, what if she doesn’t want me? What if she doesn’t want you?

So what! That means there is someone far better for you and you get to do life! One day, somewhere (there’s a more than 90% chance that you’ll get married) you’ll meet that special someone and have a happy life together.

Should my boyfriend and I pray more together?

The question:

This has been something that’s been bugging me for quite a number of months.

Not so much bugging in a negative, anxious type of way but more in a “am-i-the-only-person-that’s-experiencing-this” type of way.

I hope you understand what I mean?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and eight months. We both have a personal and very close relationship with the Lord, but what has been bugging me is the fact that we NEVER pray together.

This, to me personally, is a vital even foundational part of a relationship (please correct me if I’m wrong) and you need that in order to grow closer, not only spiritually but in every aspect of your relationship.

I am very much of a relational person (I guess most women are more than men, but you do have those rare exceptions) and my boyfriend is too, however men do enjoy their “cave time” or alone time, so I have kinda come to the conclusion that maybe his prayer time is more of a “alone” thing for him than a “together” thing.

I really do respect him and I will never force him, but I still believe that praying together strengthens a relationship in profound ways. A few months ago I started something; that Sunday nights when he drops me at home after church, we pray for the week ahead. Then after a while I left it to see if he would suggest it himself, he did it once and never again.

Now I left it in his hands. I am not going to force him to pray, because I feel that if he really wanted to he would have suggested it a long time ago. It is really bothering me and I don’t know how to deal with it. I asked him once why he doesn’t want to pray together, he said that he’d tell me but he never did.

We have been talking about getting married and stuff, but I really want to sort this out before we even look in that direction. I don’t want to have “high expectations” thinking that it will happen when we’re married and be disappointed if it doesn’t. because I know that if something like that is not happening now already, it will rarely happen after you’re married.

Are my expectations too high? Or is it important to pray together?

Answer:

It sounds like you’ve backed your boyfriend into a corner on this prayer thing. What I mean is that you’ve potentially made this prayer issue into something much bigger than it really is to either of you. You seem to be a very strong and independent woman, which I love, I married one, but this might be difficult for your boyfriend to understand (especially since you’re a South African woman ).

Yes, I like when a dating couple can learn how to pray together in a significant way. It is such a crucial part of a loving, lasting relationship. But you need to be able and understand what is keeping your boyfriend from praying with you, and asking him over and over again is not the solution. Backing off completely and avoiding the subject hoping it simply goes away is not the solution either.

Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes.

I would ask my boyfriend this important question (and not on a fun date night either, but at his home or on a specified time somewhere safe like a park or neutral ground during the day; something like that), “It feels like I’ve made a really big mess of things with this prayer issue, and that was not what I wanted to do. Is this true?” You want to check out this negative belief first. He might not be feeling that, so you want to know this first before preceding to any other question.

If the answer is yes, then I would say something like, “I am so sorry that I’ve come on so strong or insensitive, that was not what I wanted to do, and I’m sorry.” Pause here for a moment and let him say anything if he needs to. “Prayer is important to me. I may have blown that for us, but if you ever want to pray with me in the future, what could that look like? Is there a way you would like for us to pray together? Or is that something you just don’t feel comfortable with?”

Then allow him to answer honestly. It’s not your job to make him pray with you. Remember, you’re just dating and the point of dating is to see if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. If prayer ends up being something that doesn’t matter to him, then he probably isn’t the right guy for you, and I’d recommend that you end the relationship is in the most honoring way possible.

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