Why don’t you just give up!
January 18, 2005 by Michael Smalley
As one of the Sopranos might say, “Forget about it!” Don’t hassle with an unsatisfying marriage. If you are not happy move on to a better life and a better spouse. You’ve tried everything possible. You simply married the wrong person. You are probably feeling, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.” The passion has died. The romance is long gone. Don’t waste another minute in a depressing and doomed to fail marriage. Give up!
Sometimes I want to say these very things to couples who come to me for help. Couples pleading for a better life. Couples desperate to turn a hurting marriage into a healing marriage. But you want to know something ridiculous? Once I try to give them advise I get dismissed with comments like: “Oh, we’ve tried that.” “That won’t work for us.” “It’s more complicated than that.” “You’re asking a lot.” “He will never respond.” “She will never stop.” “It’s too late for us.” “We’ve just fallen out of love.” (which is my most hated comment of all.)
So I’ll say it once more, why don’t you just give up! Throw in the towel. Kick the bucket. Bon voyage. Hasta la vista baby.
I want to give you permission to leave a bad marriage. Because if you refuse to admit you want out, then there is no place for you to begin healing. Sometimes we need to be honest about our current state of feelings. If we try to deny that we want out, then we will never be able to truly face the real reasons our marriage is hurting. So just go ahead and say it to yourself (do not say any of this to your spouse), “I want out.” Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let the healing begin!
Because there are 3 reasons you don’t want to abandon your marriage:
1. Research shows that if you can simply wait it out, your marriage will take a turn for the better. There was a study done out of Chicago years ago that simply followed several hundred couples. It tested their marital happiness and their satisfaction with life. At least half of the marriages were stressed out and dissatisfied with their marriage and their life. Five years later they tested the same couples again and found out something quite amazing. For the couples who ended up divorcing, they were still just as unhappy with their life and their relationships. For the couples who stayed together, they reported being happy with their marriage and satisfied with their life. Sometimes it pays to have a little patience when it comes to marital difficulty.
2. Your children are a huge reason to stay together and resolve your conflict. Research is very clear that children of divorce have a harder time resisting peer pressure, succeeding in school, and succeeding in their future relationships. There was a time when therapists and psychiatrists felt couples should divorce despite the children because it was worse to stay together. Well that time has passed.
3. If you don’t resolve the difficulties in your current marriage, they will simply haunt you in your second marriage. This is the most depressing news of all to couples who divorce, especially if they have children together. Because what they realize, often very quickly, is that the same negative patterns that destroyed their first marriage are creeping into their second. Why? Because divorce doesn’t solve anything. It only makes everything more complicated and hard. This is why divorce rates are so much higher for second marriages. The real tragedy is they eventually have to learn to get along and repair the damage. Then they find themselves smacking their heads saying, “Why didn’t we figure this out when we were married?”
As coach Jimmy Valvano, who was dieing of cancer at the time he made this famous statement, would say, “Never give up!” It is not worth the pain of divorce. You can get help. There are therapists and relationship coaches who know what it takes to turn your marriage around. It will take effort. It will take time. But it is worth the energy because God will truly bless those who never quit.
For more information on this subject and more, go to www.theforeverfactor.com
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What about Christians in verbally, physically or financially abusive marriages? In one Christian Counseling sessions, my counselor showed me the abuse wheel. Out of the 8 forms of abuse, my husband had done 5. He is also a Christian. In fact, he was an ordained minister at one time. We’ve been to many counselors. Most of them get frustrated with him because he talks about changing; but never does. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. It’s also interesting that so many Christians, including Pastors, have different views on this subject. Some say, it’s ok to separate; but not divorce. Some say, if you were more submissive you wouldn’t have this problem. Some say, stay no matter what. Some say, you should divorce him. I have been so confused! We are currently separated. I don’t believe that God calls for a person to stay with someone who is abusing them, especially if they won’t stop. I agree that God doesn’t like divorce; but God doesn’t like abuse either.
Abuse is an entirely different matter. You never accept abuse and you
always put your safety and your children’s safety at the top priority.
There is never an excuse to verbally or physically abuse someone and
God would never support that kind of relationship. It is very clear
that God hates the mistreatment or abuse of any kind toward his
creation.
Michael Smalley
I want out. I’ve been married for 16 years to a good woman. We’ve built a life together with 2 wonderful kids (12 & 14). I felt trapped into the marriage initially, but have always found a way or reason to stay and not give up. I don’t enjoy spending time with her or feel like I love her. I’ve had affairs. We’ve had counselling. We’ve still never been able to communicate consistently or resolve our problems. I want out and she wants me out as well. Yet, I still believe the kids are better off if I stay (she does not).
Dear John,
Well, I can tell you that all the research says it’s better to stay
together and figure it out for the kids sake. Why don’t you two look
at the Phone Coaching option I have. This give me the ability to meet
with you personally and specifically.
http://store.theforeverfactor.com
Here’s the reality, you two will have to learn how to get along
whether divorced or married because you have children. Unless you
want your kids to become delinquent, drop out of school, higher risk
of alcohol and drug abuse, poor future relationships of their own,
etc….
I’ve seen worse relationships turn around when the individuals in the
marriage quit looking at each other and simply become loving
individuals. Anyway, the Phone Coaching will be a good option for
your relationship. Let me know what you want to do.
Staying together no matter what.
I want to take a moment to respond to some things that I have read and give some of my thoughts on marriage. I believe if we are all honest with ourselves, we all know that we have not acted properly and have missed the mark of “agape” love towards our spouse. As someone told me, “We are ALL ax murderers.” I don’t think God gets out his ruler and measures our sin in comparison to our spouse’s sin and says “OK! Yours is smaller than his/hers so you are free to go.” We ALL need redemption! I am going to say this at the risk of some back lash. But, I don’t think even physical abuse is “excused” in God’s eyes to get out of marriage. Absolutely, safety is important. However, 1 Corinthians 7 covers what to do. Separation, even legal separation, is the alternative to divorce. We’ve all read the words of Malachi, “God HATES divorce!” How can ANYTHING that God hates EVER be good for us or permissible. God HATES sin as well and sin is NEVER good for us. When God says Don’t! I believe he means, Don’t hurt yourself! I know of abusive relationships that have survived. If you look for the testimonies, God will show them to you. Let’s face it, we are all abusive. Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of abusive. However, it is harder to identify so people can continue in very abusive cycles and not know it. There are no laws against ignoring your spouse or more extremely withholding love to manipulate your spouse to do what you want. We have all done it. So if abuse is excused than we should all be divorced. I understand the need for safety from physical violence and anyone with this should get help and safety. However, I do not think this is anyone’s pass from God to get a divorce. What about the couples out there (there are many many many) who have tetimonies of physical violence in their marriages at one time or another and God redeemed them both. I know there have been people who have died also. That is why legal separation and finding safety is a good idea in the extreme cases. But, don’t give up on the covenant of marriage because God NEVER does! David was a murder….REDEEMED! Gomer was a prostitute…..REDEEMED! Jacob was a liar….REDEEMED! There is nothing that God can’t do. Prayer moves the hand of God. He has limited himself to move as we pray. Prayer changes things so Pray without ceasing. And, when doubt says “My spouse will never change because God will not infringe or change someone’s free will.” I say your right. I know someone who was praying about her husband and she said these same things to God. “But, God you won’t change someone’s will.” He responded (I love this) “No, but I WILL BREAK IT!!!”
What about the spouse who does stay, for the sake of the children, even though the marriage is an unhappy one and probably never will be fulfilling? What if the spouse is abusive, especially emotionally, and the children learn these terrible games? Giving up and moving on seems to make sense, if one has the courage to do so. But when is the right time to give up? There really isn’t one. The best thing to do is never get caught in such a trap. The best thing is to carefully and prayerfully choose the right mate in the first place. It’s difficult to see my children making the same mistakes and choosing the wrong person and feel helpless in seeing the bad cycle end. One pastor whose messages are broadcast on the radio recently spoke of doing the right thing, even if it means spending years in the desert. I feel like that’s what I’m doing right now. And my prayer is that I may help someone in my lifetime carefully make the right choice in a mate.
Last week, my wife of 14 years told me that she has finally made her decison to end our marriage and break up the family. She has been telling me for almost 3 years that she has not been ‘in love with me’, and can’t pretend anymore. It has been a very loveless and empty marriage. 3 years ago I was convicted of being a husband and father that emotionally hurt my family and wife frequently. I realized that if I didn’t change my behavior and attitudes, I was going to lose them (actually, she had already made up her mind to leave and I didn’t know it. But she didn’t leave).I made a promise to myself to turn my attitudes around, and work on ‘honoring’ my wife every day from that time on. I had finished reading ‘Love is a decision” by Dr. Smalley. Since that time, I have never been so much in love with my wife. I made the decision to NOT look for/at her negative traits, but on the positive ones. And I committed to begin praying together every night. I’ve done the praying, almost without exception, as well.But my most difficult change was my relationship with my step-daughter mostly, and my step-son, as well. That has really hurt my wife. My step-daughter and I have had a horrible relationship, and I have found that I become so defeated and discouraged working on improving it, that I’d give up. Several weeks ago (before my wife’s decision), I sent my step-son and daughter, as well as our son, a ‘forgive me’ letter, and also told them that I do love them, and want so much that we work on getting along for all of our sakes, but primarily for mom.
That all leads to this (sorry); she doesn’t want to try anymore. She tried to make a go of it, we went to councelling (not a Christian, but he really wanted us to succeed!), but she wasn’t happy and still not in love with me. She wanted to have a ‘life’, for once, and not wake up years down the road and realize that she is terribly unhappy and unfullfilled. She will NOT go to anymore councellors, not even the ‘marriage intensives’. She has made up her mind, finally feels free, and doesn’t need to worry about ‘always hurting me’ anymore. And, of course, the kids will be better off not being in an unhappy marriage. And, she still loves God, is not abandoning Him, and knows that He will have mercy on her and support her in this difficult decision to break-up the marrige and family! I don’t get this; I don’t think that our God blesses one who is disobedient, rebellious and breaks a commitment and vow. And despite knowing that God ‘hates divorce’, this will be better for everyone in the end.
I began reading Dr. Smalley’s book ‘Winning your wife back’ just before the break-up and have read it almost 3 times. But I only see a wife who is determined to never come back to heal and restore our marriage and family. I feel so defeated, discouraged, grieved. It is so very difficult to ever think that she would consider returning. I want to trust and have faith that the Lord has control of this. I want to feel encouraged by the stories of the many couples who DID succeed in restoring their marriage. I’ve also read the stats about couples who weathered the storm and stayed together, 90% of them were happier than ever; and 70% of those who divorced were more unhappy than when they were marrried. My wife doesn’t care about the success stories or stats, she’s done and happy (for now!). Keep her and us in your prayers.